Author Topic: Recently in "Since you asked..." by Cary Tennis  (Read 9472 times)

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Twik

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Re: Recently in "Since you asked..." by Cary Tennis
« Reply #45 on: November 02, 2012, 08:11:49 AM »
Yep. His answer is, basically, "You are a horrible person to expect this child to behave in any way other than what takes his fancy right now. If you could just sit back and embrace his nastiness, perhaps he'd see you're worth not abusing and you would become soulmates. Or maybe not, but you will become a better person by learning to appreciate the joyous, unfettered cruelty of the child, without wanting to constrain it within society's oppression."

I love this response to the column:

"Furthermore, I would suggest that you take your friend and his "brat" to Cary's Writing Retreat on Tomales Bay November 2-5, 2012. I guarantee you that after that weekend with your friend's son, Cary will change his tune about his ridiculous advice that he gave you."
« Last Edit: November 02, 2012, 08:13:47 AM by Twik »
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

laud_shy_girl

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Re: Recently in "Since you asked..." by Cary Tennis
« Reply #46 on: November 02, 2012, 08:29:44 AM »
what a load of twaddle. I get really angry with the hole "oh he's just a kid, isn't it cute..."

My DH step sisters child has bouts of bratish behavior that drive DH and I up the wall. MIL and SIL just respond "oh he's a child what can you do?"

I am a very strong believer that if a behavior is unacceptable in an adult then its not acceptable in a child and the parents need to address it.

The LW  needs to cute of Child and dad in this case.
“For too long, we've assumed that there is a single template for human nature, which is why we diagnose most deviations as disorders. But the reality is that there are many different kinds of minds. And that's a very good thing.” - Jonah Lehrer

Take2

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Re: Recently in "Since you asked..." by Cary Tennis
« Reply #47 on: November 02, 2012, 12:26:26 PM »
The whole point in giving kids slack is that they are supposedly in the process of learning appropriate behavior. If they aren't learning, then it serves no purpose to cut them slack. My 4 year old can't always remember which letter makes a G sound, and we cut him some slack. My 6 year old is expected to remember which letters make which sounds, but if she struggles to read the word "though" we cut her some slack. But if I forget which letter makes the G sound or struggle to read the word though, nobody is going to pat me on the back and say it's OK. Learning anything, including appropriate behavior, is a process. The father in the OP story seems to have confused patience for a learner with excusing the child from needing to learn at all. He is setting that child up for a rough future.

Twik

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Re: Recently in "Since you asked..." by Cary Tennis
« Reply #48 on: November 02, 2012, 12:32:10 PM »
The father in the OP story seems to have confused patience for a learner with excusing the child from needing to learn at all.

I think that sums up quite accurately the problem many people have with children's learning processes, in a very concise way.

On the other hand, the columnist seems to object to the very concept of learning, at least learning how to behave around other people.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Roses

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Re: Recently in "Since you asked..." by Cary Tennis
« Reply #49 on: November 02, 2012, 03:48:54 PM »

[/quote]

POD, POD, POD.  I got through a 1/3 and then the last paragraph and wanted to scream.
[/quote]

This.  Useless advice.  The child has no boundaries, the partners are not setting them and if I were the gentleman who wrote that letter, I would pull back from that friendship.  I certainly would not PAY MONEY to spend time with a child like the one he described.

Take2

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Re: Recently in "Since you asked..." by Cary Tennis
« Reply #50 on: November 02, 2012, 10:00:07 PM »
On the other hand, the columnist seems to object to the very concept of learning, at least learning how to behave around other people.

I don't think the columnist has really thought very deeply about his own argument, to be honest. I mean, yes, the natural state of humanity and all of creation is somewhat amazing and awe-inspiring. But the natural state of humanity also leaves us naked in the woods eating roots and bugs and raw animals that we caught with our bare hands. And accepting every fever and cavity without benefit of modern medicine. Choosing to accept the benefits of civilization means choosing to be civilized. We can't live in large societies without a codified and somewhat formalized set of behavior standards that suit that environment. And a large part of the cost of being a part of society is the responsibility to teach its code to our offspring. In return we get a huge slew of creature comforts and a far easier existence than we would if we were living wild. To advocate leaving a pre-teen child in his wild and unsocialized state while raising that child otherwise unequipped for a wild existence doesn't actually make any sense.

cheyne

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Re: Recently in "Since you asked..." by Cary Tennis
« Reply #51 on: November 04, 2012, 07:59:38 PM »
Our closest relatives (the chimpanzees) also have a society and a code of conduct for living within it.  Training your child in the social mores is a huge part of our wild and free primate heritage.

Maybe Cary needs to watch a documentary on our primate cousins.  He would then see that in all societies, there is acceptable and unacceptable behavior.