The family taxi service - the revolution begins p.#29!

[NyaChan]

Yikes.  Glad your mom is finally acknowledging that things are not currently fair.

[gen xer]

As a former "chauffeur" myself I am feeling your pain.   When you are the obliging one it quickly morphs from a favour to an obligation....and who better to ask than the nice one who is NOT difficult, who cares about her family and wants everyone to get along with no ruffled feathers?

One thing I find is that there are often "untouchables" where to say no or refuse to do something is absolute blasphemy.  That is an attitude that really, really frosts my cornflakes because of the entitlement complex that goes along with it.  I experienced it myself when I was trying to get the nerve up to stop driving my coworker ( Lady X ) to and from work everyday.  She was the the sweet older lady who had been there for a thousand years, had "icon" status and everyone loves her - ( Of course you don't mind driving her!  It's Lady X!  How could you not feel that it is a privilige? )  Of course that was not actually said but it was the feeling I had....that Lady X was untouchable and that it was unconscionable to have any negative feelings about what was becoming a real burden.

Stand strong and break that family dynamic.  Seriously.  It is asking a lot....and trust me it goes beyond gas and wear and tear on your vehicle.  It is an abuse of your time and you are not wrong to limit it.

[TootsNYC]

It's time for Grandpa to be told that the responsibility for getting to family events is HIS, but that he needs to ASK FIRST, because other people might have plans. Like, your mom might not have room in her car.

[silvercelt]

It's time for Grandpa to be told that the responsibility for getting to family events is HIS, but that he needs to ASK FIRST, because other people might have plans. Like, your mom might not have room in her car.

Agreed.

I'm not in this situation anymore, as I don't live in the same state as the rest of my family, but for the last 5-6 years, my grandparents haven't been able to drive themselves around.  The whole family takes turns doing it, but it would be unthinkable (to my grandparents) to 1) assume a ride was a given, without asking someone to do it, 2) not offer money for gas, or 3) expect everyone to work out the details on their behalf. 

[CrochetFanatic]

Not an easy situation to be in, and good for you and your mom for standing up for yourselves.  Also, good luck. 

I've been in the doghouse for being unable to drive a family member who doesn't drive.  She's not unable to drive, she just won't learn.  She keeps saying, "I should really get my license", but she's been saying that for eight years.  The most notable example is when she called the house to ask if I could drive her to a doctor's appointment the next day.  It had been the only appointment she was able to get.  Fair enough, but I had to work that day, and I told her that I couldn't do it and why. 

There was a pause, then she said, "Oh...I was hoping you could do it.  I was sort of counting on you." in a disappointed, almost reproachful tone.  I don't know if she ever got to her appointment or not, but they were very chilly towards me the next time we saw each other.

[gen xer]

Not an easy situation to be in, and good for you and your mom for standing up for yourselves.  Also, good luck. 

I've been in the doghouse for being unable to drive a family member who doesn't drive.  She's not unable to drive, she just won't learn.  She keeps saying, "I should really get my license", but she's been saying that for eight years.  The most notable example is when she called the house to ask if I could drive her to a doctor's appointment the next day.  It had been the only appointment she was able to get.  Fair enough, but I had to work that day, and I told her that I couldn't do it and why. 

There was a pause, then she said, "Oh...I was hoping you could do it.  I was sort of counting on you." in a disappointed, almost reproachful tone.  I don't know if she ever got to her appointment or not, but they were very chilly towards me the next time we saw each other.

That burden of obligation was one of the reasons I got fed up with driving my coworker - I hated having someone depending on me.  It is really irksome when they just CHOOSE not to either get a license or purchase a car because it is so much easier ( and cheaper ) to rely on others.  They have to have that sort of inconvenience happen to them in order to realize that it may be in their best interest to get a license / car.  Good for you not altering your day to suit her.  She needs more people to do that and then maybe she will get her license.

My MIL also pulls this stuff.  She CAN drive, DOES drive and owns a car.  She lives about 15 minutes away from BIL but whenever there is a family gathering she expects someone to pick her up and drop her off.  Two round trips out of the way.  I asked DH why on earth they continue to do so when she is perfectly capable of driving herself but I have thrown up my hands in resignation.They will do it because she has that "untouchable" status and nobody, but nobody will say no to the grand matriarch of the family.

[kherbert05]

We used to drive my Mimmi places.


1. She would ask
2. If we were going towards her - we would call when leaving our house (pre cell phones) and she would be in the lobby when we got there.
3. If we were going away from her she would drive to our house and ride with us. If the event was late, we would plan on her spending the night at our house since driving after dark was a safety issue
4. When she had to move to an assisted living facility that was further away from us other households helped out often sending their HS/University ages kids to pick her up, my cousin's Inlaws would even offer to pick her up because the facility was on their way.


Sis often offers to let me ride with them to the kids' events. Usually the families have been asked to carpool due to parking issues - I always meet them at their house.   

[Roe]

My MIL also pulls this stuff.  She CAN drive, DOES drive and owns a car.  She lives about 15 minutes away from BIL but whenever there is a family gathering she expects someone to pick her up and drop her off.  Two round trips out of the way.  I asked DH why on earth they continue to do so when she is perfectly capable of driving herself but I have thrown up my hands in resignation.They will do it because she has that "untouchable" status and nobody, but nobody will say no to the grand matriarch of the family.

There's nothing wrong with driving family if relatives are willing to do so.  If your husband's family wants to drive her, regardless of whether or not she can drive herself, there's nothing wrong with that.  We drive my g'mother places every now and then.  And she drives and has her own car.  Didn't bother me much to make the trip across town.

Now a coworker, I'd be much less willing to drive back and forth for years.  In my mind, there's no comparison.  Co-worker no, g'mother yes.

[gen xer]

My MIL also pulls this stuff.  She CAN drive, DOES drive and owns a car.  She lives about 15 minutes away from BIL but whenever there is a family gathering she expects someone to pick her up and drop her off.  Two round trips out of the way.  I asked DH why on earth they continue to do so when she is perfectly capable of driving herself but I have thrown up my hands in resignation.They will do it because she has that "untouchable" status and nobody, but nobody will say no to the grand matriarch of the family.

There's nothing wrong with driving family if relatives are willing to do so.  If your husband's family wants to drive her, regardless of whether or not she can drive herself, there's nothing wrong with that.  We drive my g'mother places every now and then.  And she drives and has her own car.  Didn't bother me much to make the trip across town.

Now a coworker, I'd be much less willing to drive back and forth for years.  In my mind, there's no comparison.  Co-worker no, g'mother yes.

No....nothing inherently wrong with it I suppose....and I don't say anything anymore because they will do what they do regardless.  I do think it is asking a lot of someone to do something that you are perfectly capable of doing on your own though.  If she got scared in bad weather or otherwise had a reason for making this request - no problem - perfectly willing to do so.  But that isn't the case - it is just her not wanting to be bothered.  Oh well....I privately shake my head but it isn't a battle worht fighting if they wish to do so.