Heading off gifts that aren't your style

[MariaE]

Had you just written "They're not to my taste" or "I really don't like them", nobody would have batted an eye. But you went so far beyond that as to be unnecessarily harsh. You are not faced with the OPs MIL... and even if you were, MIL likely isn't reading this board, so phrases like the bolded below seemed pointless and offensive (as in 'the opposite of defensive' - I couldn't find a better word for it).

I finally went to the website for Pandora.  I can't imagine anything I'd like less on my wrist....  Even the kids floss friendship bracelets would annoy me less.  I have no suggestions for OP on what to do, but I sure do sympathize on her wish to not start accumulating this stuff!  I actively dislike it, rather than feeling neutral about it!  I'm personally not a bracelet or jewelery fan, I LOVE earrings, both fine and foolish, and I like some necklaces, but bracelets would actively get in my way.  THOSE would drive me to drink in short order, and I think they're fugly....   

Besides, "f...ing ugly" is not a phrase I'd have expected to see on eHell - even when the swearword is being cutsey and hiding in an abbreviation.

[Venus193]

I'm with Minimom3 because I've been where the MIL and SIL are, in a way.

When I last worked in midtown more than 15 years ago there was a wholesale watch show held regularly near my office.  I love fashion watches and have about 60 of them that I got at $10 or less each, including a Versace.  They had a bracelet watch with cameos that I bought for Blanche because she loves cameos and it matched several she already owned.  She gave a bland reaction when she saw it and said "I really don't like wearing anything on my wrist; it's some past-life thing."

In retrospect I realized she probably sensed that I was also trying to let her know that she had a punctuality problem.

A year or so later I went back to that same show and bought her a pendant watch with an emerald-green face.  That is her favorite colour.  It was also encased in silver-toned metal which she prefers because she thinks that gold looks "cheap."  At the same facial expression I said "I thought that was your favourite colour" to which she replied, "It's that I don't like watches... as jewelry."

I knew at that moment that she realized it was a Pygmalion gift so I let the matter drop and never gave her another watch again.  She has since invented other excuses for not wearing watches.

Total expenditure on these two items was only $15, much less than the potential expenditure on the Pandora stuff the OP doesn't like.  It would be a kindness to the MIL and SIL for the OP's husband to let them know that the Pandora charm bracelet is not to her taste.

[Snooks]

OP is there any chance that your MIL/SIL would suggest to DH that he buy you a Pandora bracelet?  I'm thinking along the lines of him telling them he's stuck for ideas for you this year and them suggesting the bracelet then he could let them know it's not your style.  It's convoluted but it may work.

[Shoo]

OP is there any chance that your MIL/SIL would suggest to DH that he buy you a Pandora bracelet?  I'm thinking along the lines of him telling them he's stuck for ideas for you this year and them suggesting the bracelet then he could let them know it's not your style.  It's convoluted but it may work.

I think that's a good plan.  He could even bring it up himself.  "I thought about getting her one of those Pandora bracelets, like yours, but then I realized it's not her style at all, so now I have to come up with something else."

[MariaE]

OP is there any chance that your MIL/SIL would suggest to DH that he buy you a Pandora bracelet?  I'm thinking along the lines of him telling them he's stuck for ideas for you this year and them suggesting the bracelet then he could let them know it's not your style.  It's convoluted but it may work.

I think that's a good plan.  He could even bring it up himself.  "I thought about getting her one of those Pandora bracelets, like yours, but then I realized it's not her style at all, so now I have to come up with something else."

Terrific idea! Unless your MIL is the kind of person who'd think "Oh, but what would he know about jewelry? He's a man!"

[Adelaide]

I went through this exact situation with my aunt last Christmas. When my mother told me that my aunt was thinking of getting me a Pandora bracelet, I literally broke out in a cold sweat out of sheer panic. My aunt, like your MIL, wouldn't see it as a one-time thing. Every gift after that would be a bead, and I don't know how long I could be polite about getting a bead and how many creative reasons I could come up with for why I wasn't wearing the bracelet. She's one of those people who likes to continually ask about the gift she's given you and to see how many times you've worn/used it.

My mother ended up coming to the rescue and telling my aunt that I didn't want one of the bracelets. I'd say let your husband know that you don't want the bracelet. That way if his mother asks/tells him about getting you one he can answer honestly. But other than that, just be neutral about them when she brings them up. There's no harm in saying "I know they're very popular but they're just not me" when asked for your opinion.

[Ciarrai]

Thanks everyone, I will try what you've suggested.

[Jocelyn]

Another suggestion:
If she talks about how easy it is to buy Pandora items for your SIL, say, 'You know, that's how I feel about Amazon.com. Man, you can get ANYTHING with a Amazon gift certificate. If I had to stick with getting one present for the rest of my life, it'd be Amazon.com gift certificates.'

Well, it worked with my family last year.  The more technologically ept bought off my Wish List, with Christmas morning delivery to my Kindle; the more inept bought gift certificates, which make buying for the Kindle very easy.

If you would like other gift suggestions for me, Keepsake Quilting, Hancocks of Paducah, Craftsy.com and the Yarn Barn of Lawrence all work, too. 

[White Lotus]

I have to say I do not care for the Pandora bracelets either and would not wear one. I do have an old-fashioned silver charm bracelet started when I was a child and I still do occasionally buy charms for it and wear it, but the former is simply not to my taste.  I like the idea of suggesting something more along your own style, which can be added to regularly, like an add-a-pearl necklace, or mentioning your china or silver patterns, always a ready source of nice but don't have to cost the earth gifts.  Letting DH do some of the suggesting -- "I am getting OP a basic place setting of silver for Holiday.  Why not add (extra piece)? You know she will love that!" 
And -- why don't people on this board simply return whatever they don't like and get something they do?  What is wrong with that?  That is considered ordinary behavior in both the Prof's and my families. Tags are always included, and possible returns are assumed.  If I think I look grim in peach, or cannot tolerate round necklines, no one is offended if I say, "Sis, look what you got me! I traded the peach crew neck for this purple jacket.  Isn't it great?" 
I don't think it is necessary to HATE something like this unless it would creep you out to have it in your house.
Personally, a gift certificate to my favorite art supply store or Amazon makes me the happiest middle-aged lady in the world.

[Mikayla]

I'm part of that very small group that says grit your teeth, accept the bracelet if it arrives, accept the charms, wear it only when you see MIL (and this doesn't have to mean every single time - just often enough so she knows it still lives). 

If your relationship with her was good, my answer would be quite different.  It would also be different if the gift was offensive to you in some way.  But it's a harmless bracelet that apparently means something to her.  Let her have it.

 


 

[Specky]

Why would OP wear something she actively disliked, was forced upon her (the "gift" that keeps on giving.....) just to please the giver, who chose it to please herself?  Isn't that kind of doormattish?

[Mikayla]

^Because I don't think these things occur in a vacuum, and the context is critical.  If it makes my MIL happy for me to wear an ugly bracelet 3-4 times a year for a few hours, I'm going to do it.   

I love cats, and my whole life I've gotten cat gifts, ranging from the ugly to the scary.  One aunt in particular, who also loves cats, always gets me something she made or found with a cat theme.

I've never mentioned it and never will. 

[NyaChan]

^Because I don't think these things occur in a vacuum, and the context is critical.  If it makes my MIL happy for me to wear an ugly bracelet 3-4 times a year for a few hours, I'm going to do it.   

I love cats, and my whole life I've gotten cat gifts, ranging from the ugly to the scary.  One aunt in particular, who also loves cats, always gets me something she made or found with a cat theme.

I've never mentioned it and never will.

Exactly - for me the gift is not about the physical item, it is about the feelings behind it.  I sincerely doubt OP's mother in law would gift her a pandora bracelet out of maliciousness.  It is something she personally enjoys, knows other family members enjoy, and presumably thinks the OP will enjoy also.  Does OP have to wear it ever?  No, but it doesn't hurt to be gracious about it and maybe even wear it once.  If I were her and received something I didn't like, I'd put it on right then and there for the giver to see and then not wear it again.

My aunt sent me a charm bracelet once, I don't like them.  But I called her up, I thanked her for thinking of me and sending me a gift, and I keep it safe in my jewelry box. 

[Sheila Take a Bow]

Exactly - for me the gift is not about the physical item, it is about the feelings behind it.  I sincerely doubt OP's mother in law would gift her a pandora bracelet out of maliciousness.  It is something she personally enjoys, knows other family members enjoy, and presumably thinks the OP will enjoy also.  Does OP have to wear it ever?  No, but it doesn't hurt to be gracious about it and maybe even wear it once.  If I were her and received something I didn't like, I'd put it on right then and there for the giver to see and then not wear it again.

My aunt sent me a charm bracelet once, I don't like them.  But I called her up, I thanked her for thinking of me and sending me a gift, and I keep it safe in my jewelry box. 

I agree.

My MIL bought me a Tiffany charm bracelet one year, because she and her daughters each have one.  It's not my style (I don't really like charm bracelets), and I tried to wear it but I can't wear it around the office without sending paperwork and office supplies flying everywhere.  So I wear it very rarely.

But you know what?  I love that bracelet.  I love it because my MIL was trying to bring me into a family tradition, even if it wasn't one I preferred.  Sure, she probably could have guessed that it wasn't my style, but she was trying to include me in a family thing, and that's what I love about it.

It's a gift.  There are no guarantees that anyone will like any particular gift they receive.  And I think it's hard to sound gracious about receiving gifts when you're dictating what gifts aren't acceptable.

[joraemi]

So - advice of a different sort -

My aunt is going through breast cancer treatments and the patient liaison/support type person gave her a bracelet that they give to all the patients.  It's lovely - a charm bracelet typ eof thing with pink ribbons dangling and what not.  But my aunt does NOT wear bracelets.  She was concerned about hurting this person's feelings, so instead I suggested she fasten it around the handle of the bag she takes to chemo with her all the time.

So now it dangles on her bag like a little piece of bling.  If you get the bracelet and it isn't accompained by "Now, if you dont' like it we'll return it!", then perhaps you can repurpose it.  Dangle it from a purse handle/cabinet knob/holiday tree/keychain or whatever.  kwim?

I have a Brighton bracelet of that same type that I love, but they are heavy and if you don't care for how it looks, you definitely aren't going to be inclined to wear it!  Just practice accepting gifts gracefully and how you will express your gratitude for her thoughtfulness if you see it sitting in that little box on Christmas.