Hostesses With The Mostest > Entertaining and Hospitality

Baby Shower Advice needed

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--- Quote from: jpcher on November 02, 2012, 06:30:25 PM ---
--- Quote from: Judah on November 02, 2012, 11:15:21 AM ---Since what is being offered is a shower for 10, GF2 should invite ten people or decline the gift of the shower.  If she has her heart set on 30 guests, she should have someone else host it for her.

--- End quote ---


I think GF2 is entering gimme-pig stage by requesting specific #of guests, date of party, etc.

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This is how I felt when GF1 told me - but I wasn't present for the conversation between them ... so its hard for me to judge. GF2 is usually VERY etiquette conscious (so I'm really confused how it even got to this point!) ... and why I think GF2 would take a different position if she knew the whole story.

--- Quote ---Question -- How has GF2 reciprocated your and GF1's generosity in the past?

--- End quote ---

she is very generous and kind, which is why I'm willing to overlook 2nd shower issue. She was supportive morally when my son had a difficult birth and stayed in the hospital for a month .. but her first child was barely 3mo old at that time - so I completely understood that she wasn't making meals, etc!

--- Quote from: NyaChan on November 02, 2012, 06:04:15 PM ---I really don't understand how GF2 hasn't offered to help you with money for the groceries when you are cooking for them so often.  I would be sorely tempted to say, "Hey, I know you are probably going to have a hard time shopping and cooking when you get closer to your due date.  If give me your list, I'm happy to help out.  I'll bring you a receipt so we can settle up afterwards." 

--- End quote ---

About a month ago I learned she was too tired to do her own cooking, and she was constantly bringing home take-out. So I started making some meals ... they have offered money, I just haven't received any yet. So until I do, (and in case I don't) I can't scratch it out of my budget. But I'm not really worried about that aspect of it ... I didn't feel obligated - I offered. I want her to eat properly for the babies. When they move into the neighbourhood, I'll invited them over eat dinner with us, rather than having to prepare & send over an extra casserole.

"About a month ago I learned she was too tired to do her own cooking, and she was constantly bringing home take-out. So I started making some meals ... they have offered money, I just haven't received any yet."

I felt so strongly about this that I have signed up to EH to be able to reply, after lurking and reading for a couple of years!

In your original post you said that you were cooking etc for her as she is having a difficult pregnancy.  I read it and re-read it looking for clues that they were moving because they are downsizing, or that they had lost their jobs or were in any sort of financial difficulty.  Nothing.  And now you say you have stepped in because she was getting take-away food all the time, so they are obviously not too hard up.

Well, sorry, however good friends you are and however much you may feel you owe her for past help, they are seriously taking advantage of you.  Just to be doing all the cooking and shopping is surely enough to be repaying any debts, real or perceived, and it sounds as if you be doing it for the rest of the pregnancy and for the first weeks after, even if by then they are more local.  Being more local may make the logistics a bit easier but the food cost will still be much the same.

The fact that you offered makes no difference to anything unless your offer specified that you were not only offering to do all that work, you were also offering to fund it.  That obviously isn't the case as you now make clear.

I can't comment about the original etiquette question as I am in the UK and we don't make such a big deal about "showers" of any sort and therefore there is no accepted correct behaviour for them.

I would back out of any discussion about the shower. "Gee, I'm sorry about that." Then offer huge helpings of bean dip. It is not your worry; don't make it yours by trying to make everything all right. Well, you might tell GF1 that she absolutely does not have to agree to host a shower bigger or more expensive than what she originally planned.

The mom-to-be either accepts her friend's offer of a 10 person shower or she doesn't. She does not get to determine the size of the shower, where it is held or any of the other details. She can't make a friend rent a hall or buy food for a party three times the size of the original plan.

If Mom-to-be isn't careful, she's going to lose the friends she's probably counting on to help her through the first, chaotic months of having twins and a older child.

If she wants a shower for 30 people, then she needs to find a way to make that happen without bullying her friends into doing it.

thank you to everyone who replied.

I spoke to mother-to-be last night, and she is not doing well emotionally. She is in serious discomfort, she has had 2 cases of false contractions (dr wants her to start her mat leave already) ... she is temp staying at her in-laws (which is a chilly relationship at best) while trying to keep her 2yr old happy (which is exhausting on a good day) and her belongings are completely packed away. She isn't complaining in a "poor me" kind of way ... she's upset because she doesn't know how she can cope with the upheaval & the discomfort anymore.

It did strike me that GF2's requests about her shower seemed "demanding" ... but (to be fair) I was only receiving the info 2nd hand. I don't know how she presented her information, and this is really unlike her nature. No, she has never prepared meals for me (other than having me over for dinner) but she is loyal, honest and very kind. It is very unlike her to be demanding in any way ... she usually goes out of her way to make certain she isn't imposing on anyone. In fact, I'm sure she's had many people tell her "I'm so happy about your news, please invite me to your shower" she's worried about offending someone if they aren't invited.

She was too tired to do her own cooking, and grabbing take out ... which is financially and nutritionally unhealthy. No, they don't have a lot of money, but at the end of the day she has to feed her family something. She would never ask for help, let alone take an inch more than she really needs to, so I have no worries about being taken advantage of. And if needed, I would feed her every day until things got better ... although she will get really tired of my cooking! ;D

So in conclusion about the shower: the date has been chosen, and I have prior commitments. And I'm hoping a Dr orders GF2 to bedrest by then anyhow. But if the shower proceeds, then I will prepare some desserts or a cheese platter for the venue.

livluvlaf, it's unclear to me whether or not GF1 actually told GF2 that she can only host 10 people?  If she did and GF2 still insisted on 30, then that's rude.  If GF1 was just wishy washy and/or GF2 is normally not like that, then I think it's just a miscommunication and GF1 should be more clear.  I don't think this is your problem, though.  You have done a lot, and it's really nice of you to even do desserts or a cheese platter. 


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