Author Topic: trick or treating question  (Read 4522 times)

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magicdomino

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #15 on: November 02, 2012, 05:24:52 PM »
I'm going to say rude. 

First, we don't know what they may have done in previous years and previous neighborhoods.  Maybe they gave full-sized candy bars; maybe they did the same thing and just gathered candy from other people instead of buying any.  So, we can't use the past as a guide. 

Second, there was no need for the whole family to go.  Yes, it is a way to meet the neighbors, but only the neighbor who is standing at the door, and only if the next batch of little goblins isn't coming up the sidewalk. 

Third, it sets a bad precedent.  If too many people are out gathering candy, and fewer people are at home giving it out, then those few are going to get fed up with feeding everyone else.  Granted, I'm not that objective in this matter because of the declining number of participating houses in my neighborhood.  Many of those dark houses don't have young children, and yes, I  understand that some people need to work, or come from other cultures, or simply don't want to be bothered, but it was depressing to stand on the corner, and realize that I was the only lit-up house in sight. (My nearest neighbors are all on the "Don't want to bother." side.)

NyaChan

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #16 on: November 02, 2012, 05:38:55 PM »
I think that if you're taking (e.g. Trick or treating) you should reciprocate by giving.  But that reciprocation doesn't have to happen that year. If a person gives out candy before they have kids and after their kids are grown up/stop trick or treating, is it really such a big deal if they skip passing out candy for a couple (or even 20) years in the middle?

I totally agree - but the OP says this family only moved in a few months ago, so while they have given in the past they didn't give in the community they are now taking from.

But ...so what? The point is not an exact even exchange. The point is that, when and where they can contribute, they should. It's not a big deal if that doesnt happen every single year in the exact location. Sure, maybe they just moved in, but that means somebody else just moved out. If the mover-outers gave candy for the last ten years, does that mean in their new neighborhood, they won't get "credit" for the giving in the past. What if this new family gave out candy for the last ten years - does that not count?

I agree.  Not rude to not give out candy, even if they do go trick or treating themselves - at least not yet.  Maybe they saw it as a way for the whole family to see the new neighborhood & will give out candy next year.  Maybe they are awesome neighbors who don't give out candy ever but will pet sit, lend tools, or collect mail for others.  If they go every year and never give out candy and never reciprocate the friendliness in other ways, then I would think they were rude.

Knitterly

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #17 on: November 02, 2012, 05:41:09 PM »
editing because I just spotted your extra info (missed it on my first read through)
I don't think it's rude. 

Taking 3 kids out in the dark is a bit of an undertaking for 1 person, especially if they start eating candy halfway through and get all sugared up.

And unfortunately, I agree with those previous posters who think you sound a little judgey.

I think that if you're taking (e.g. Trick or treating) you should reciprocate by giving.  But that reciprocation doesn't have to happen that year. If a person gives out candy before they have kids and after their kids are grown up/stop trick or treating, is it really such a big deal if they skip passing out candy for a couple (or even 20) years in the middle?

I totally agree - but the OP says this family only moved in a few months ago, so while they have given in the past they didn't give in the community they are now taking from.

But ...so what? The point is not an exact even exchange. The point is that, when and where they can contribute, they should. It's not a big deal if that doesnt happen every single year in the exact location. Sure, maybe they just moved in, but that means somebody else just moved out. If the mover-outers gave candy for the last ten years, does that mean in their new neighborhood, they won't get "credit" for the giving in the past. What if this new family gave out candy for the last ten years - does that not count?

I agree.  Not rude to not give out candy, even if they do go trick or treating themselves - at least not yet.  Maybe they saw it as a way for the whole family to see the new neighborhood & will give out candy next year.  Maybe they are awesome neighbors who don't give out candy ever but will pet sit, lend tools, or collect mail for others.  If they go every year and never give out candy and never reciprocate the friendliness in other ways, then I would think they were rude.
I agree with this post.
« Last Edit: November 02, 2012, 05:43:00 PM by Knitterly »

pearls n purls

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #18 on: November 02, 2012, 09:39:01 PM »
I don't think it's a big deal.  Both parents may have been needed to keep an eye on the kids or both of them might have wanted to enjoy watching the kids have fun.

I don't have a child yet, but there may be some years where my DH and I take our children to another area, to the mall, etc. to trick or treat leaving no one home to hand out candy.  However there have been many years where we've handed out candy and have not received any candy in exchange.  And once the kids are to old for trick or treating, there will be many more years of us handing out candy.

It's a community event - people can choose to participate if they wish.  I would only consider it inconsiderate/selfish if the parents try to get as much candy as they can for the kids and never plan to give out candy in return.

Jones

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #19 on: November 02, 2012, 10:11:27 PM »
Of all the houses in my neighborhood (around 15-20) there were 4 others handing out candy. 3 of the 4 were older retired people. There are many more years after the kids grow up and move out, that they can catch up on "Halloween candy debt".

Acadianna

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #20 on: November 02, 2012, 10:17:00 PM »
We always did what you do -- DH took the kids out for trick-or-treat, and I stayed on the porch with the candy bowl.

Even so, I don't think it's rude for a family not to pass out candy because both parents are with their little ones.  If their children are very young, I certainly understand if both parents want to be part of the trick-or-treat experience.

In our case, I'm giving out tons of candy now, while my children are all way too old for trick-or-treat (except for DD who has a little one of her own).  So even if we hadn't given out candy years ago, we'd be making up for it now.  In fact, this year seemed to set a record, and my son had to run to the store for more candy!

sparksals

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #21 on: November 02, 2012, 10:26:00 PM »
No it's not rude for the entire family to go trick or treating.  Their definition or decision to celebrate Halloween in this manner is not rude just because it doesn't match up with your definition.  That's pretty judgmental and harsh.

Who knows, maybe they only went out for a short time then came back and gave out candy.  There may be other reasons why they celebrated this way.

I don't think it is harsh to expect reciprocation.  I see a bit of judgment in your post for solely for someone's different opinion.  I personally think it is rude for the entire family go to out and get candy and not hand any out in return.   

sparksals

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #22 on: November 02, 2012, 10:26:32 PM »
A little more info.

All the lights were out at their house all evening.  I turned my lights out a little before 9:00 and there lights were still out, so its pretty clear no one was home to hand out candy all evening.  Like I said before I understand that no one is obligated to hand out candy, it just seemed strange to me.

 I agree with you.

sparksals

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #23 on: November 02, 2012, 10:28:48 PM »
Does that mean both parents have to stay at home with the kids at the same time b/c they can't handle three at a time?    I think it is a bit much of an excuse to think that one parent with three kids can't corral them.  If they can corral them at home, the grocery store, the doctor's office, they can on Halloween and reciprocate what they take.

Rohanna

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #24 on: November 02, 2012, 10:45:14 PM »
So single parents can't take their kids trick-or-treating? What about special needs families? What about all the years my husband will have to work on holidays?

For me, it's always been a cycle- parents hand out candy before you have kids, and when your kids are old enough to go out by themselves/too old to go out. Most kids that are small enough to need/want parents with them will probably not be out the entire night anyhow, so candy can be handed out around that. When they are little, then I don't begrudge parents of small kids the chance to enjoy the holiday with them- they are only small for a little while on the grand scheme of things.

 There seems to be so much judgement about who "deserves" what, how and when they should get it- and now, even the adults are judged simply because they want to go for a walk on a holiday with their family? It's candy, not gold bullion. It's supposed to be a fun holiday, but reading a lot of posters in some of these threads has me a bit depressed.

I guess I am a terribly rude person because this year my husband and I went out with our 4 year old and baby. I thought we were having a good time as a family on one of the rare occasions he didn't have to work a holiday. We chatted with a lot of neighbours, showed the baby off (we did not collect candy for him), the 4 year old said his thank you's nicely. We went home for hot chocolates afterwards. My older kiddo went off to bed and mumbled "that was the best hallowe'en EVER". I guess I should have missed it though- because the fact that I handed out candy for 10 years before I had kids, and will do so again until I'm too old after they get a bit older, isn't enough.
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Shoo

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #25 on: November 02, 2012, 10:49:56 PM »
People are allowed to disagree.  No need to take it personally.

Oh Joy

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #26 on: November 02, 2012, 10:58:39 PM »
So single parents can't take their kids trick-or-treating? What about special needs families? What about all the years my husband will have to work on holidays?
...

I guess I should have missed it though- because the fact that I handed out candy for 10 years before I had kids, and will do so again until I'm too old after they get a bit older, isn't enough.

I think that's taking our OP's question a bit far.

I do think that the ideal etiquette for ToTing is that, if your family members collect, then your family members should also hand out.  There are many ways to make that happen (divide and conquer, team with neighbors, invite a preteen along, leave a bowl out, etc.) but if some years a house stays dark it's not cause for tarring and feathering.

kareng57

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #27 on: November 02, 2012, 11:05:47 PM »
I think that if you're taking (e.g. Trick or treating) you should reciprocate by giving.  But that reciprocation doesn't have to happen that year. If a person gives out candy before they have kids and after their kids are grown up/stop trick or treating, is it really such a big deal if they skip passing out candy for a couple (or even 20) years in the middle?

I too kind of figure that it all comes-out-even in the end.  Years ago, we lived in an area that was not very ToT-friendly (steep driveways, houses far apart) and would get about 6 kids each year.  We gave out candy anyway.  But when our own kids came along, we took them to our good friends' neighbourhood, about 45 minutes away.  It was a lot more fun for them, seeing more kids in costume - and a few years later we moved to a more family-friendly suburb, anyway.

But, at this stage it's been more than 10 years since my own kids went ToTing, and I'm still giving out candy.  Overall I just don't think it's one of those things where people ought to keep a score-card.

And I do feel for single-parent families, or for families where one parent has to work some evenings (and this is a *lot* of families).  It could be difficult to trade shifts because of Halloween, as opposed to Christmas/Thanksgiving/New Years.

Iris

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #28 on: November 02, 2012, 11:54:18 PM »
A new family moved in next door a few months ago.  Mom, Dad and three little girls.  On Halloween night they rang my door bell for trick or treating and the entire family was there.  They all went trick or treating together as a family which was nice, but that meant that no one was at there home to hand out candy to the other trick or treaters.  Is this considered rude?

I know when my kids were little I would take them trick or treating and my wife would stay home and hand out the candy.  I know that no one is required to hand out candy, but I always thought that if your kids are out trick or treating that you kind of have a obligation to hand out candy to the other children trick or treating.  You know to kind of keep the whole system working.  Is my thinking flawd, or am I missing something?

I think this is one of those things that different people see differently. There was a woman at DD's ballet school who never helped with the dressing (it's a volunteer thing). However after her daughter grew up she started to help. I thought it was a great idea because it meant that those of us with kids still in the concert had one less thing to do and could enjoy our children. Other people were highly offended. Similarly at DH's work those whose kids are older and have left home often cover the Christmas shifts for people with children still at home, as even older employees did for them years before.

So to me, as long as it all balances out in the long run I couldn't care less. However it is obvious from the posts here that other people feel strongly in a whole other direction. So I would have to say that it is not rude because it does seem to boil down to attitude towards reciprocity rather than an actual etiquette rule.
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Surianne

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Re: trick or treating question
« Reply #29 on: November 03, 2012, 08:46:37 AM »
I don't see it as rude at all.  I figure it all evens out over time.  I don't plan to have kids, so I'll never have anyone to take trick-or-treating, but I love handing out candy without the expectation of any reciprocation.  If I started thinking of the holiday in those terms it would be a lot less fun.