Does an engagement change things? UPDATE #15

[NyaChan]

So my friend Jenny's birthday is tomorrow.  Todd, her boyfriend, sent out two emails:  1) to invite a large group of people to meet up at a bar & 2) to invite a limited number of us friends to "pre-game."  Todd asked my BFF if we could use her apartment.  His reasons for asking were 1) her apartment is closer to the bar, 2) Todd/Jenny's apartment is a bit smaller than hers, and 3) it would be hard to keep Jenny from doing work for her own birthday celebration if he had everyone over to their apartment.  Friend said it was fine if everyone met up at her place, but reminded him that she has an exam in the morning and couldn't really do much in the way of hosting.  Todd assured her that he'd be bringing over alcohol for anyone who wanted some (Friend doesn't have to serve anything that way).  She had since told me that she was a little embarrassed/feeling bad, but after the exam, she wouldn't be up to cleaning things like she normally might when people come over. 

Well tonight I got a text from someone wanting to let me know since I'm not on FB to see it myself that Jenny and Todd have gotten engaged & announced it/posted pictures on FB.  I wasn't surprised to hear about the engagement as I had a wee little inkling that something might be coming up since Todd had been doing a lot of follow up on the invites to make sure people would be there for her birthday.  The Friend whose apartment Todd asked to use then called me, but I didn't really know what to say, as I was surprised at her reaction.

Friend is wondering if tomorrow is actually more of an engagement announcement event than a birthday thing and therefore more of a big deal.  She had been expecting a quick, let's meet and have a drink at Friend's apartment before we consolidate cars with the DD and meet a whole crowd of people at a bar.  As a result, she is feeling worse about not having the apartment clean, in general & also because there are likely to be a lot of pictures taken.  Her second thought was a sense of irritation - Friend said that she can totally understand him not wanting to spread it around ahead of time, but that if he had known the birthday event was actually an engagement thing, she would have liked a bit of a heads up as it feels like more of a big deal to her than what she originally signed up for.

She is now stressing about whether she has to make an extra effort to clean the apartment after the exam and wondering if she is supposed to do more than she had planned to.  I can kinda see why she is torn on the state of the apartment.  Todd and some of the others have only been over when it was in its "company's coming" state so he might not be expecting what he's walking into. 

I think she is borrowing trouble at this point, or possibly just really stressed out about the exam?  No one has heard from either Todd or Jenny.  Friend texted Jenny to say she'd seen the pictures and congratulations, but there wasn't any response.  So questions from Friend:  Does Friend have to or should she do more than she planned to do originally?  Should Todd have given her a heads up? Oh and one question for me - Is it okay if I wait to congratulate the newly engaged ( yay  ) Todd & Jenny  in person tomorrow night rather than text? I feel weird saying I heard it through the text grapevine, but I don't want them to think I'm ignoring it either.   

Whew that was way longer than it probably needed to be, sorry!!

[LifeOnPluto]

My view is that no, your friend is not rude for making a greater hostessing effort just because Jenny and Todd have got engaged. Obviously, her apartment should be reasonably clean and tidy, with enough room for people to sit, etc but I don't think she needs to do anything more.

I think your friend should continue to treat the occasion as a casual birthday gathering, rather than an engagement party, unless told otherwise.

[doodlemor]

Your friend is already being very generous by letting them use her apartment.  She doesn't need to do more.  When the apartment is full of people no one will notice extra cleaning.  She can clean up after the party, and her apartment will stay clean for awhile.

I think that it would be fine if you congratulate them at the party.  You could do both, though - send them a text now and give them best wishes when you see them.  You seem concerned about it, so maybe doing both will make you more at ease.

[SleepyKitty]

Sorry if I missed something, but why doesn't Friend just call Todd and ask? If he doesn't answer, she can leave a voicemail explaining that he needs to get back to her before the party.

Whether or not Todd thinks of this as a more party-like event or a quick meet-up event, Friend is not obligated to do any extra-clean up or preparation than she had already planned to do. But at this stage, I think Friend is borrowing trouble. Instead of stressing, she should just ask him what he had in mind.

[JenJay]

I don't think your friend needs to change the level of hosting she was already planning to provide. One thing that might clue her in on Todd's plans - how early is he having people over? If the pre-party is only an hour before the bar party I'd say he's expecting a quick "meet up, have a drink, say congrats, let's go!" but if it's 3-4 hours before he may be expecting people to snack (on food he's provided, I hope!), drink and hang out. That's more of a "party at friend's house!" vibe and I can see why she's more stressed.

[O'Dell]

BFF is fine leaving her home as it is. If Todd wanted it spotless, then he should be doing the cleaning. I've known people to borrow places for parties and they did the cleaning. (And if he grouses about the state of things, she can tell him that. )

And you are fine waiting til tonight to give your congratulations.

[NyaChan]

Update:  So I picked up friend from her exam this morning (car troubles) and she was even more stressed out.  Apparently, Todd had initially told her he would only be inviting 8 people.  When she texted him to ask for a head count, he didn't respond.  Today he finally responded saying he hoped she didn't mind, but he invited a few more people and the party was at 8 yes & 4 maybes.  That was then increased by 1 when it was discovered that a closer friend had inadvertently been left off the invite list.  Friend is now stressed because she doesn't know who the other 4 people are and doesn't want them to think her place looks bad.  Friend was also at a loss because she doesn't have that many spots to sit (only 7), nor does she have enough shot glasses (Todd had asked her if hers could be used). 

I told her not to worry since he knows what her apartment set up is & I seriously doubt everyone is going to want a shot.  I had her all ok after she decided to gulp some Red Bull and clean the apartment as best she could, but then Todd texted her.  Sigh.  So close.  "I bought tequila, rum, and some wine.  Do you have mixers?"  Now she had been under the very clear impression that Todd was taking care of the refreshments.  She was fine with providing cups and the venue, but had no plans to serve things.  I did tell her that if she wanted to it was perfectly okay to just respond that she didn't have any as she had thought that Todd was taking care of the refreshments.  Friend doesn't like to say no though and texted my response + a "I can pick them up if you need me to."  No response yet though so we'll see.

The pre-game is 1.5-2 hrs. long. 

[Iris]

1. If your friend really, really wants the apartment to look tidy, tell her to throw all the mess in one room and shut the door. I have tidied my house for guests in 15 minutes using that technique. Add another 10 minutes for a quick wipe over of surfaces. 10 more if she wants to vacuum the most obvious spots. Then stop. I would die before I let invited guest come with that level of cleaning, but that's not the situation here. In a highly stressful situation sometimes things just have to be 'good enough'.

2. Your friend needs a spine booster shot, stat. She let Todd know what she could do, if he has other expectations that is not her problem or her fault. I would have no hesitation saying, even in front of guests "Todd, this is YOUR party. I told you you could use my apartment. Why would you think that *I* had bought chips and dips?" In fact, especially in front of guests because odds are Todd has said "Friend said that she would have us over before game."

3. Todd is clueless. I would hesitate to do favours of this kind for him ever again. He clearly has no idea what goes into hosting and doesn't listen to what people say to him.

[Acadianna]

1. If your friend really, really wants the apartment to look tidy, tell her to throw all the mess in one room and shut the door. I have tidied my house for guests in 15 minutes using that technique. Add another 10 minutes for a quick wipe over of surfaces. 10 more if she wants to vacuum the most obvious spots. Then stop. I would die before I let invited guest come with that level of cleaning, but that's not the situation here. In a highly stressful situation sometimes things just have to be 'good enough'.

2. Your friend needs a spine booster shot, stat. She let Todd know what she could do, if he has other expectations that is not her problem or her fault. I would have no hesitation saying, even in front of guests "Todd, this is YOUR party. I told you you could use my apartment. Why would you think that *I* had bought chips and dips?" In fact, especially in front of guests because odds are Todd has said "Friend said that she would have us over before game."

3. Todd is clueless. I would hesitate to do favours of this kind for him ever again. He clearly has no idea what goes into hosting and doesn't listen to what people say to him.

Iris is good, Iris is wise.  Couldn't have said it better!

[Deetee]

Friend needs a spine. Either say no or stop worrying. I lost sympathy for her with the mixers. She has no time, she's already overcommitted and she offers to do more work?

Todd is pushy, but sometimes people who have no problem saying no don't realise that people may agree to things they don't want. If Todd was asking I'd tell him he's bring too pushy but I really think this is friends problem. The world is full of pushy people. She needs to embrace "NO".

[Surianne]

Yeah, at this point if I were her I'd decline hosting the get-together.  Todd is clearly pushing the boundaries of what she agreed to, so I'd either enforce those (no more than 8 people, and Todd provides all refreshments) or tell him sorry, but with the change in plans, she can't have the party at her place.

[SoCalVal]

Yeah, at this point if I were her I'd decline hosting the get-together.  Todd is clearly pushing the boundaries of what she agreed to, so I'd either enforce those (no more than 8 people, and Todd provides all refreshments) or tell him sorry, but with the change in plans, she can't have the party at her place.

Pod.  He has a very off idea of "no more than 8" and him providing all the refreshments.  Why do I also see her running around during the party taking care of everything while he holds court and having to do all the clean-up afterwards?

[buvezdevin]

It sounds like this is the same Todd who caused some issues among your group of friends with his planning a "birth week" of celebrations for Jenny last year.

He needs a clue by four, stat.

[secretrebel]

I remember the Jenny and Todd show! He sure does like to make a fuss of Jenny on her birthday.

I think friend should not have agreed to host in the first place since she had an exam the next day. She doesn't have time to clean and not cleaning is going to make her feel bad. Can you go over and help at all for her sake?

Also, she shouldn't have offered to pick up the mixers, I doubt T will pay her back. Honestly I think she should call him and say this is really expanding into more than she has space for and suggest he scales back the invites or choses a different venue. You can rent rooms for this kind of event.

[O'Dell]

I remember the Jenny and Todd show! He sure does like to make a fuss of Jenny on her birthday.

I think friend should not have agreed to host in the first place since she had an exam the next day. She doesn't have time to clean and not cleaning is going to make her feel bad. Can you go over and help at all for her sake?

Also, she shouldn't have offered to pick up the mixers, I doubt T will pay her back. Honestly I think she should call him and say this is really expanding into more than she has space for and suggest he scales back the invites or choses a different venue. You can rent rooms for this kind of event.

Ditto all of this including remembering the Todd and Jenny show. Blech...

Methinks Todd has figured out that your BFF won't say no and is taking advantage of that.