Author Topic: Supporting Sandy victims vs. taking care of myself - need advice and phrasing.  (Read 10847 times)

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bonyk

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Also, the gas shortages in my friend's area are a problem, but he is able to get gas (he lives in a less populous area so the waits are on the order of hours, not days), for those who were wondering how that factored in. It is actually much harder if not impossible to get gas in our area right now, but that is expected to get much better within the next few days.

I agree with you.  Maybe tell friend how you're feeling, and let him know that you'd greatly appreciate him making an attempt to get gas, but you'll put him up if he can't manage it.

Aeris

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<snip>

I didn't want to sound defensive or like I was nitpicking people's language, but since SPuck picked up on this as well  - I feel this goes beyond me being simply stressed or inconvenienced over lack of privacy. I have had more days than not when I have struggled to get out of bed, get dressed, and leave the house and some where I have failed to do so entirely. I have had to take potentially habit forming sedatives in order to function, something I am trying to minimize as much as possible by keeping my stress levels as low as possible.

Also, the gas shortages in my friend's area are a problem, but he is able to get gas (he lives in a less populous area so the waits are on the order of hours, not days), for those who were wondering how that factored in. It is actually much harder if not impossible to get gas in our area right now, but that is expected to get much better within the next few days.

While I understand that you are struggling with some serious issues, in my world this all still falls under 'things friends do for each other'. Especially since you offered your help in emergency situations.

There are ways to minimize the impact and inconvenience to yourself while still being there for your friend in wake of the hurricane's substantial* effects.


*There seems to be some downplaying of the hurricane's effects in this thread, which I find disturbing. The combination of the loss of heat and power, the extraordinary gas shortages, and the gridlock some areas are experiencing (as a result of public transport systems being severely compromised) make a 1 hour commute a nightmare scenario.

buvezdevin

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LadyL,  I neglected to say in my previous post that I hope you are doing and feeling much better soon, in all respects.

The only other thought I wanted to add is that it sounds unlikely that your friend knows the extent of your personal situation, and it isn't clear (to me) the exact nature of your friend's need, meaning - is he asking to stay at your place to save gas for his family's use of the generator and/or significant wait time for getting gas - or is his request due to some other matter, or less or more urgency. 

If you or LordL will be speaking with friend today, can you/LordL share some detail of your medical matters/considerations, and explain to friend that you definitely do want to help him in a time of need, and you are also in a time of need, so want to explain needed considerations for your situation and that you are working to balance both?  That may allow your friend to either re-evaluate his request, or explain the reason he is asking to stay so his need is clearer and easier to fully understand.
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bonyk

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*There seems to be some downplaying of the hurricane's effects in this thread, which I find disturbing. The combination of the loss of heat and power, the extraordinary gas shortages, and the gridlock some areas are experiencing (as a result of public transport systems being severely compromised) make a 1 hour commute a nightmare scenario.

But it's not like that everywhere that was effected.  My normal hour commute into the city was actually shorter, and there is more gas available here everyday.  What's wrong with the OP letting her friend know how she's feeling, and see if he is good with staying half the time? 

FoxPaws

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Serious question: Would those of you who think LadyL should set aside her health issues to accommodate her friend feel the same way if she were recovering from chemotherapy, or recuperating from major surgery, or in the throes of a high risk pregnancy?

Quote
*There seems to be some downplaying of the hurricane's effects in this thread, which I find disturbing.
There is also quite a bit of downplaying the severity of the medical problem in question. Migraines are not "just headaches" and tapering off powerful drugs doesn't just leave a person "stressed". According to the latest update, we are talking about symptoms that leave the OP incapacitated and unable to function.
I am so a lady. And if you say I'm not, I'll slug you. - Cindy Brady

Octavia

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Serious question: Would those of you who think LadyL should set aside her health issues to accommodate her friend feel the same way if she were recovering from chemotherapy, or recuperating from major surgery, or in the throes of a high risk pregnancy?

Quote
*There seems to be some downplaying of the hurricane's effects in this thread, which I find disturbing.
There is also quite a bit of downplaying the severity of the medical problem in question. Migraines are not "just headaches" and tapering off powerful drugs doesn't just leave a person "stressed". According to the latest update, we are talking about symptoms that leave the OP incapacitated and unable to function.
I'm parking my POD right here. Her health, her home, her rules. None of us have any business telling LadyL to suck it up when she is suffering from debilitating anxiety and other serious symptoms. That would be no different than telling a depressed person to just smile and things will get better.
"I never explain anything." ~Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins

Aeris

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Serious question: Would those of you who think LadyL should set aside her health issues to accommodate her friend feel the same way if she were recovering from chemotherapy, or recuperating from major surgery, or in the throes of a high risk pregnancy?

Yes, actually. If I were recovering from major surgery, for instance, I would explain my situation to my friend, explain that I would being doing nothing more than opening the door for him - that I would not be 'hosting', I would not be cooking, I would not be chatty, and I would not be in any way 'entertaining'. Opening your home in an emergency situation really just means giving access. It's not remotely the same as 'hosting'.

Millionaire Maria

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Serious question: Would those of you who think LadyL should set aside her health issues to accommodate her friend feel the same way if she were recovering from chemotherapy, or recuperating from major surgery, or in the throes of a high risk pregnancy?

Yes, actually. If I were recovering from major surgery, for instance, I would explain my situation to my friend, explain that I would being doing nothing more than opening the door for him - that I would not be 'hosting', I would not be cooking, I would not be chatty, and I would not be in any way 'entertaining'. Opening your home in an emergency situation really just means giving access. It's not remotely the same as 'hosting'.

I agree. I can honestly say that I would open my home to my friend in this situation even if I was on my death bed. And that's not hyperbole. Nobody has the right to tell LadyL what to do, but she herself has admitted to having some aspergers tendencies and being socially awkward. Posters are simply telling her what the consequences might be if she decides to say no. I know for myself it would be a friendship dealbreaker.
People everywhere enjoy believing in things they know are not true. It spares them the ordeal of thinking for themselves and taking responsibility for what they know. –Brooks Atkinson

Sharnita

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Serious question: Would those of you who think LadyL should set aside her health issues to accommodate her friend feel the same way if she were recovering from chemotherapy, or recuperating from major surgery, or in the throes of a high risk pregnancy?

Quote
*There seems to be some downplaying of the hurricane's effects in this thread, which I find disturbing.
There is also quite a bit of downplaying the severity of the medical problem in question. Migraines are not "just headaches" and tapering off powerful drugs doesn't just leave a person "stressed". According to the latest update, we are talking about symptoms that leave the OP incapacitated and unable to function.
I have migraines so I comprehend how they can impact a person.  I have been unable to function at times too.  That being said, I do believe that OP should follow through on the offer she made.  That doesn't mean hosting in the traditional sense.  It means offering space to survive in.

dirtyweasel

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Serious question: Would those of you who think LadyL should set aside her health issues to accommodate her friend feel the same way if she were recovering from chemotherapy, or recuperating from major surgery, or in the throes of a high risk pregnancy?

Quote
*There seems to be some downplaying of the hurricane's effects in this thread, which I find disturbing.
There is also quite a bit of downplaying the severity of the medical problem in question. Migraines are not "just headaches" and tapering off powerful drugs doesn't just leave a person "stressed". According to the latest update, we are talking about symptoms that leave the OP incapacitated and unable to function.

Here's the thing though...if you know you're unable to help people out because of medical issues that you've been having for a few weeks then don't say you can help people out and rescind that offer when someone asks for help. 



TamJamB

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Serious question: Would those of you who think LadyL should set aside her health issues to accommodate her friend feel the same way if she were recovering from chemotherapy, or recuperating from major surgery, or in the throes of a high risk pregnancy.
. Emphatically, yes. This isn't a guest-host thing, it's an emergency-crash thing. And she has a bedroom to go to if she needs some privacy.

June24

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Serious question: Would those of you who think LadyL should set aside her health issues to accommodate her friend feel the same way if she were recovering from chemotherapy, or recuperating from major surgery, or in the throes of a high risk pregnancy?

Quote
*There seems to be some downplaying of the hurricane's effects in this thread, which I find disturbing.
There is also quite a bit of downplaying the severity of the medical problem in question. Migraines are not "just headaches" and tapering off powerful drugs doesn't just leave a person "stressed". According to the latest update, we are talking about symptoms that leave the OP incapacitated and unable to function.

Here's the thing though...if you know you're unable to help people out because of medical issues that you've been having for a few weeks then don't say you can help people out and rescind that offer when someone asks for help.

Like the OP said in an earlier post, she wasn't having the medical issues when she offered help. After she started having the issues, she hoped that they would be temporary, so she didn't feel the need to go around and tell people that her offer to let them stay at her place was temporarily on hold.

bbgirl

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Serious answer here: Yes Foxpaws I would.  I have a  very strong sense of duty when it comes to the promises I make and my loyalty is very strong towards my family and friends.  If I've offered something, I will always follow through and I have been in the situation where I didn't want to in the moment. But I did it anyway, because in the end my word is more important. You can strip me of my cash and my home and my valuables...and all that is left is my word. I will always be where I say I will and I will always follow through. 

An emergency is a different situation than hosting for a visit.  If I were a chemo patient I would open my home to friends who are facing significant difficulties.  But the OP's situation is not comparable to someone on their gravely ill, perhaps even death bed and to compare the two is to ascribe a quality to the situation that is not authentic.

Ladyl, you're obviously free to do what you wish but I would not be surprised by any fallout from your friend. 

MariaE

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Serious question: Would those of you who think LadyL should set aside her health issues to accommodate her friend feel the same way if she were recovering from chemotherapy, or recuperating from major surgery, or in the throes of a high risk pregnancy.
. Emphatically, yes. This isn't a guest-host thing, it's an emergency-crash thing. And she has a bedroom to go to if she needs some privacy.

Exactly. Aeris put it best, there's a huge difference between hosting and opening your door to somebody in need. I've had people stay the night where I literally didn't do anything other than making sure they had a key to get in (I wasn't even home when they arrived) and clean sheets for the bed.
 
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citadelle

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I will add my voice to those asking LadyL to consider helping her friend. It is strongly likely that he will understand your limitations and simply be grateful that you were able to be there for him in his time of need.