Author Topic: Supporting Sandy victims vs. taking care of myself - need advice and phrasing.  (Read 12094 times)

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Two Ravens

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I think quibbling over our own personal definitions of what an 'emergency' is is probably not helpful to the discussion. The OP's friend apparently thought it was enough of an emergency to ask to stay. It wouldn't be the right course to imply to him "Sorry, that isn't a big enough deal to qualifiy for our original offer."

SPuck

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I think were arguing over semantics at this point. The fact is LadyL has a crippling medical emergency and her friend has a disaster emergency. LadyL has opened her house for other friends, and to this friend she has offered him a night to stay over in the past. They are both being equally effected in the aftermath of the storm. LadyL is not in the wrong or is not even a bad friend for not allowing this friend to stay with her for several nights. It is her house. They both have major problems going on in the moment, and some times no matter how much you want to help you just can't accommodate people.
« Last Edit: November 05, 2012, 08:02:42 PM by SPuck »

penelope2017

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My family members are waiting for hours for gas in a borough of NYC. They get it but in some cases they are parking in wee hours of morning and doing shifts. They get it, though. Is that a 'hard to get' or 'impossible ' to get area? I wait 30 min in Connecticut because people are filling tanks for generators. To me 30 min waits aren't even a blip on the current gas problem radar. If people need to wait hours for gas I consider that an emergency. It's great that some people can last a month on a tank of gas but the reality is many of us can't.

Style_and_Grace

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It really seems as if you are acting like a selfish child.  You offered something (I can't decide if the offer was even genuine) and when your friend, in a very real emergency situation, tried to take you up on the offer you are posting to an etiquette site to see if you can refuse to help out because you're having some, in the grand scheme of things, smaller issues. 

While yes, you seem to be having health issues you have power, a dry space that is in livable condition, no need to wait in the long gas lines, and technically space for a friend to crash.

If I was your friend and you refused to help out in any way I would be thinking long and hard about our friendship and if you are a friend who can be counted on in a true emergency or if you are just a fluffy little friend who can be counted on when the "emergency" is a broken nail and the need for a cocktail.

TootsNYC

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That's sort of harsh!


AngelicGamer

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That's sort of harsh!

Fixed that for you, TootsNYC. 

OP, I hope that you haven't run away far enough to give us some kind of an update?  I know that we open opinions to everyone when we post something online but this thread takes the cake for me for people being harsh to the OP.




"Life's tough, huh?  And then you die." ~ Buck, the Magnificent Seven.

sourwolf

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That's sort of harsh!

Fixed that for you, TootsNYC. 

OP, I hope that you haven't run away far enough to give us some kind of an update?  I know that we open opinions to everyone when we post something online but this thread takes the cake for me for people being harsh to the OP.

Aside from that last post, I'm not sure what you are talking about.    If there has been hyperbole it has most definitely been on both sides of the issue. The majority of posters seem to be bending over backwards to give the OP the benefit of the doubt.

thedudeabides

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If you're going to say no, just say no.  But let's face it, you're probably going to get blowback -- it doesn't get much closer to an emergency situation than what he's facing right now.  As long as you're willing to accept that graciously, just say no.

LeveeWoman

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She offered a night. He wants a whole week.

kareng57

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She offered a night. He wants a whole week.


Yes, but the original scenario was for something like a blizzard, where the streets presumably would be cleared the next day.  No one was envisioning the worst hurricane that the East Coast got since 1938 or so.

I don't think that he was wrong in asking regarding a week, and I think it's kind of hair-splitting for PPs to assert that it was really not an emergency for him.  Just because "I got to work okay, it took a bit longer, that was all" does not mean that this was universal for every other person working in the area.

A week is a lot to ask, I think we all understand that here.  And OP is not rude for saying no.  But it would naive to figure that there would be no consequences for saying no.

sourwolf

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If we want to get very technical, he asked for 4 nights, which is just over half a week.  However since it's  Monday night and we haven't heard back from the OP I'm assuming it's now a moot point.

Firecat

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She offered a night. He wants a whole week.


Yes, but the original scenario was for something like a blizzard, where the streets presumably would be cleared the next day.  No one was envisioning the worst hurricane that the East Coast got since 1938 or so.

I don't think that he was wrong in asking regarding a week, and I think it's kind of hair-splitting for PPs to assert that it was really not an emergency for him.  Just because "I got to work okay, it took a bit longer, that was all" does not mean that this was universal for every other person working in the area.

A week is a lot to ask, I think we all understand that here.  And OP is not rude for saying no.  But it would naive to figure that there would be no consequences for saying no.

We don't know that there will be consequences, either. I have a close friend who suffers from some serious mental and emotional conditions. And there have been times (although not in circumstances this severe) when she's been unable to do something she promised, or forgotten something important, or something along those lines. And when she realizes, she apologizes, we work around it as best we can, and we go on from there. Yes, sometimes I get frustrated or upset, but mostly, I'm upset with her illness, not with her. I know she's doing the best she can, and she's very open with me about when things are especially bad and she needs a little extra understanding.

It sounds like the OP's friend is aware of her illness, and of how it affects her during a rough patch. OP, I think, if you can, you should talk candidly with your friend and tell him that a week just isn't going to work for you, and you're really sorry. If a night or two could be made to work, then offer that, or see what other options might be workable. 

I do think that there is a bit of "snap out of it" in this thread, and that's never helpful. Mental illness is as real and devastating as any other serious, chronic illness.

kareng57

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She offered a night. He wants a whole week.


Yes, but the original scenario was for something like a blizzard, where the streets presumably would be cleared the next day.  No one was envisioning the worst hurricane that the East Coast got since 1938 or so.

I don't think that he was wrong in asking regarding a week, and I think it's kind of hair-splitting for PPs to assert that it was really not an emergency for him.  Just because "I got to work okay, it took a bit longer, that was all" does not mean that this was universal for every other person working in the area.

A week is a lot to ask, I think we all understand that here.  And OP is not rude for saying no.  But it would naive to figure that there would be no consequences for saying no.

We don't know that there will be consequences, either. I have a close friend who suffers from some serious mental and emotional conditions. And there have been times (although not in circumstances this severe) when she's been unable to do something she promised, or forgotten something important, or something along those lines. And when she realizes, she apologizes, we work around it as best we can, and we go on from there. Yes, sometimes I get frustrated or upset, but mostly, I'm upset with her illness, not with her. I know she's doing the best she can, and she's very open with me about when things are especially bad and she needs a little extra understanding.

It sounds like the OP's friend is aware of her illness, and of how it affects her during a rough patch. OP, I think, if you can, you should talk candidly with your friend and tell him that a week just isn't going to work for you, and you're really sorry. If a night or two could be made to work, then offer that, or see what other options might be workable. 

I do think that there is a bit of "snap out of it" in this thread, and that's never helpful. Mental illness is as real and devastating as any other serious, chronic illness.


I think you are misreading my post.  I did not say that there would be consequences - perhaps there won't be.  I simply said that that no one should figure that there would not be consequences.

I am very familiar (more than I would like to be) with mental health issues, and I don't think that anyone here has had a snap-out-of-it mentality.  I think it's more the sometimes-it's best-to-cope-with-it mentality.  If OP decides that she simply can't, then that's the end of it.

SPuck

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I wouldn't even call it a mental issue. It is a detox/chemical issue a the moment. Each person is affected by migraines differently. You can compare pain, but when it comes to handling the problem itself and drug intake each person is different.

citadelle

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say "having you here for too long will probably stress me out" without it sounding bad, like he is just a source of stress instead of our friend (when in reality it's not personal, having *anyone* here or really any major change to my environment would be disruptive - I am also still coping with stress about how the storm is going to affect my school and work obligations, not to mention my overall concern for all those still affected who we are trying to help by volunteering

This is what the OP said. That having the guest would probably stress her out. It seems as though we are characterizing her situation as crippling, when that is not how she herself described it.

As for the stress of concern for others mentioned in the OP, this favor might be one way of feeling like she is able to so something.