Poll

You're holding a formal event, for which you have invited social units (married/engaged/living together) together, but others who do not fall into those catagories alone.  After the invites are sent one of your solo guests becomes engaged. Your invites go

Leave the guest list alone.
Extend an invitaion to the fiencee.
Send an invitaion to fiencee, and hope they don't realise they wern't initally invited, if their partener hasn't RSVP'd.
Send an invitaion to fiencee, and hope they don't realise they wern't initally invited, if the RSVP date hasn't past, even if partner has responded.
The unavoidable other, plese explain.

Author Topic: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.  (Read 5956 times)

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PurpleFrog

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Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« on: November 04, 2012, 11:34:59 AM »
Question from poll:



You're holding a formal event, for which you have invited social units (married/engaged/living together) together, but others who do not fall into those catagories alone. One of your guests, whose partner was not invited then becomes engaged, their fiencee was not on the original guest list. Your invites go out in the stanadard time frame, and you have bugeted to the number of invitees. What would be your course of action? (please see poll)

This is just a question that occurred to me and I was trying to think of the 'best' solution. I can't decide as I see problems with each option:

Leaving the guest list alone: Couple may feel snubbed as 'all the other engaged couples were invited together'

Extend invitation to fiancee: He/She may feel snubbed as they weren't 'good enough' prior to engagement.

Send invitation as if they had always been invited: He/She would probably realise and then return to the above problem.

I think I'd probably leave the guest list alone unless the engagement occurred less than 5 days after sending the invitations.

eta: Because I can't mange to write clearly.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2012, 02:52:29 PM by PurpleFrog »
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Shoo

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2012, 11:51:21 AM »
It seems you have left out a huge part of this story.  What is the situation?  I can't make sense of what you've written.

Yvaine

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2012, 11:58:33 AM »
It seems you have left out a huge part of this story.  What is the situation?  I can't make sense of what you've written.

Read it together with the poll question. You've sent out invitations to your event and you only invited a "plus one" for people who were married, engaged, or living together. A few days after the invitations went out, one of the guests got engaged. Do you invite the new fiance/e, and how do you do it?

That said, I don't know what the rule is.

Shoo

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2012, 12:00:10 PM »
It seems you have left out a huge part of this story.  What is the situation?  I can't make sense of what you've written.

Read it together with the poll question. You've sent out invitations to your event and you only invited a "plus one" for people who were married, engaged, or living together. A few days after the invitations went out, one of the guests got engaged. Do you invite the new fiance/e, and how do you do it?

That said, I don't know what the rule is.

I guess that's what can be inferred.  But it is no way clear that is what the OP is getting at.

SoCalVal

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Re: Hypothetical, a change to a social unit post-invitation
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2012, 12:30:39 PM »
I don't think there's any clear way to handle it, but I'm not afraid to explain to others why the guest list is set up the way it is.  The guests can be offended or not, but inviting married/engaged/living together couples vs. only inviting one half of a not married/not engaged/not living together couple is an acceptable practice.  Sorry, but when you're working on a budget, the line has to be drawn somewhere.

The OP's hypothetical situation has an engagement occurring after the invites go out.  The offended now-invited guest might need an explanation on the social rule of inviting both halves of a serious couple.  If the now-invited guest were still offended, I wouldn't worry about it as it wasn't intended to be a snub.  That guest could opt not to attend.

For my own guest list, we learned a couple broke up just before sending our save-the-dates (DF's cousin and his live-in GF) so the save-the-date was addressed only to him.  If he should be back together with her seriously prior to the invites going out, we'll probably invite her with him (we've met her).  If not, he gets an invite just for him and no +1.  However, should they get back together seriously before our wedding but after sending the invites, we'll probably include her.  If he were to get together with anyone else?  Then, no.  I already omitted about 20 of my relatives, and DF left off a few people who mean a lot to him -- all of these people were left off the guest list because we can't afford to invite them so we're not inviting people we don't know.  If anyone were to make a stink about it, I'd point out that it's OUR guest list (and, again, I can play the card where I omitted 20 relatives on my mother's side and included zero relatives on my father's side -- we're talking about leaving off about 75-100 relatives who are first cousins and biological aunts and uncles so I don't think anyone else's argument would get very far with me).



camlan

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2012, 01:32:19 PM »
So the question is, after sending out invitations, one of the single guests gets engaged. What do you do about the invitations.

What I'd do is call the newly engaged guest and extend an invitation over the phone for the new fiancee. The guest is now part of an "official" social unit and the fiancee should be invited.

However, if the final head count deadline has passed when you get news of the engagement, I think I'd call and explain that to the guest, that you are really, really sorry, but there is no way to accommodate the fiancee at this time. And I guess you'd have to do the same if the venue couldn't accommodate one extra seat--but I might wait until the RSVPs started coming in, because most likely at least one person will have to decline.

If the budget is really tight, I'd still invite the fiancee, and cut something else out of the budget--fewer flowers, different favors.

There's really no reason for anyone to feel snubbed or offended. As far as the hosts knew, they weren't in a committed relationship that required extending the social unit rule to them. But that's also why I'd call or invite them in person--tone of voice says so much. "We had no idea! We are so hoping s/he can come! We'd love to meet him/her!" said with gushing enthusiasm says so much more than a second invitation dropped into the mail.
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PurpleFrog

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2012, 01:35:00 PM »
It seems you have left out a huge part of this story.  What is the situation?  I can't make sense of what you've written.

Read it together with the poll question. You've sent out invitations to your event and you only invited a "plus one" for people who were married, engaged, or living together. A few days after the invitations went out, one of the guests got engaged. Do you invite the new fiance/e, and how do you do it?

That said, I don't know what the rule is.

Shoo I've restated the question in my op in the hope that clarifies.

I guess that's what can be inferred.  But it is no way clear that is what the OP is getting at.
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MariaE

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2012, 01:41:11 PM »
PurpleFrog, the thing is you're still missing the part where somebody got engaged! That's only implied, not stated outright - I'd add the bolded.

"You're holding a formal event, for which you have invited social units (married/engaged/living together) together, but others who do not fall into those catagories alone. Your invites go out in the stanadard time frame, and you have bugeted to the number of invitees. After the invites have gone out, one of your guests moves in with her boyfriend / gets engaged, What would be your course of action? (please see poll)"

That said, I think it would depend on the situation. Is it before or after the RSVP deadline? Can the venue physically accommodate another person? If after the RSVP deadline, have any other guests declined?
 
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Yvaine

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2012, 01:42:07 PM »
There's really no reason for anyone to feel snubbed or offended. As far as the hosts knew, they weren't in a committed relationship that required extending the social unit rule to them. But that's also why I'd call or invite them in person--tone of voice says so much. "We had no idea! We are so hoping s/he can come! We'd love to meet him/her!" said with gushing enthusiasm says so much more than a second invitation dropped into the mail.

How do you phrase it if you did know the fiance/e when they were just the girl/boyfriend?

Shoo

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2012, 01:51:01 PM »
PurpleFrog, the thing is you're still missing the part where somebody got engaged! That's only implied, not stated outright - I'd add the bolded.

"You're holding a formal event, for which you have invited social units (married/engaged/living together) together, but others who do not fall into those catagories alone. Your invites go out in the stanadard time frame, and you have bugeted to the number of invitees. After the invites have gone out, one of your guests moves in with her boyfriend / gets engaged, What would be your course of action? (please see poll)"

That said, I think it would depend on the situation. Is it before or after the RSVP deadline? Can the venue physically accommodate another person? If after the RSVP deadline, have any other guests declined?

This is what I meant.  Purplefrog, if you don't clarify your OP and the poll, you are going to have posters who aren't inclined to "figure out" what you are trying to say and just skip your thread.  You still haven't said what the issue is or given any info about WHY you're asking what you're asking.  Posters here have had to go back and re-read and infer what it is you're asking.  Frankly, I don't think we should have to try and figure out what you are saying.  It really needs to be more clearly written.

PurpleFrog

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2012, 02:49:46 PM »
PurpleFrog, the thing is you're still missing the part where somebody got engaged! That's only implied, not stated outright - I'd add the bolded.

"You're holding a formal event, for which you have invited social units (married/engaged/living together) together, but others who do not fall into those catagories alone. Your invites go out in the stanadard time frame, and you have bugeted to the number of invitees. After the invites have gone out, one of your guests moves in with her boyfriend / gets engaged, What would be your course of action? (please see poll)"

That said, I think it would depend on the situation. Is it before or after the RSVP deadline? Can the venue physically accommodate another person? If after the RSVP deadline, have any other guests declined?

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, I had it in when I originally wrote it and must have accidentailly removed it when editing and my brian just kept putting it in when it wasn't there. I have some difficulites with reading and usually use a progarmme that 'reads' the screen for me, but unfortunally I'm using my husband's computer and I didn't think even I could mess up somthing this short. I shall refrain from posting untill my computer is reparied or someone can proof read for me. I'm so sorry for the confusion everyone.

 I can't seem to change the poll question itself, sorry.

ETA: because I still can't mange to type clearly.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2012, 02:53:53 PM by PurpleFrog »
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O'Dell

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #11 on: November 05, 2012, 11:09:49 AM »
I voted other. I'd keep the guest list as is and let my friend know why the invitation isn't for both. I'd also keep the fiance in mind if a seat opens up.
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hobish

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #12 on: November 05, 2012, 01:42:15 PM »
So the question is, after sending out invitations, one of the single guests gets engaged. What do you do about the invitations.

What I'd do is call the newly engaged guest and extend an invitation over the phone for the new fiancee. The guest is now part of an "official" social unit and the fiancee should be invited.

However, if the final head count deadline has passed when you get news of the engagement, I think I'd call and explain that to the guest, that you are really, really sorry, but there is no way to accommodate the fiancee at this time. And I guess you'd have to do the same if the venue couldn't accommodate one extra seat--but I might wait until the RSVPs started coming in, because most likely at least one person will have to decline.

If the budget is really tight, I'd still invite the fiancee, and cut something else out of the budget--fewer flowers, different favors.

There's really no reason for anyone to feel snubbed or offended. As far as the hosts knew, they weren't in a committed relationship that required extending the social unit rule to them. But that's also why I'd call or invite them in person--tone of voice says so much. "We had no idea! We are so hoping s/he can come! We'd love to meet him/her!" said with gushing enthusiasm says so much more than a second invitation dropped into the mail.

That is exactly what i would do. It wouldn't change if i had known the person beforehand, unless they were already invited, in which case nothing would need to be done.
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WillyNilly

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #13 on: November 05, 2012, 01:47:30 PM »
I had to vote other because, well, I can't imagine ever extending an invitation to someone in a relationship serious enough that an engagement was pending and not including their SO.  Sure by strict etiquette its allowed, but by my personal code of conduct its not. YMMV

I suppose if I was in the situation though, I would immediately get on the phone, congratulate the person and say "of course please bring your fiance along to [event]!"

Mikayla

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Re: Hypothietical, a change to a socail unit post invitaion.
« Reply #14 on: November 05, 2012, 04:50:21 PM »
I don't think there's a one size fits all answer to this.  A lot depends on size of group, timing etc.  If it's a large-ish formal event taking place in 6 weeks, it would seem odd not to invite the other person.  If it's in 3 days and it's for 11 people, that might be different.