Author Topic: If you're out with us don't ignore us  (Read 5493 times)

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bloo

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #15 on: November 05, 2012, 09:58:39 AM »


I am very surprised that anyone is making excuses for A. IMO, she was very rude indeed and I would be reconsidering the status of the friendship.  I find her behaviour very very odd and don't think that you overreacted at all.

I agree with this. Totally.

TurtleDove

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #16 on: November 05, 2012, 10:09:32 AM »
Outside I had a private word with her about how upset we were that she would exclude us from the conversation, and that while we didn't feel that we were owed thanks or praise for taking her out because that's what friends do, treating us like we were merely a convenience was hurtful to us.


I'm not sure what you hoped to achieve by this. It was pretty much guaranteed to ruin the rest of the evening for everyone. Which is what happened.

Sometimes it's better to ignore mildly annoying behavior, or to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I agree with this.  I am not certain how old you are, but especially when I was younger it was commonplace to meet new people when out.  This still happens and I am almost 40.  I've had some great times, met some interesting people, and sometimes even formed lasting friendships.  I am not saying you are "wrong" for not wanting to do this, just that for a lot of people, being "out" means being social, so getting to know new interesting people isn't an affront but rather par for the course.

You say she ignored you, but did you do anything to contribute to the conversation?  In my experience, people who claim to be "left out" also don't do anything to be "part of" whatever it is.  I am not saying this is you, but I have a difficult time understanding why you didn't simply be friendly for the length of time it took to finish one drink and then go elsewhere if you were unhappy.

VorFemme

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #17 on: November 05, 2012, 10:11:53 AM »
If she's still on pain meds - then she might get a medical pass on this - but take note of what she does NEXT time, after she no longer is on pain meds.....because that is not good behavior for a friend (at least one in their right mind, sober, and trying to catch up with people they haven't seen in a while). 

It is the behavior of someone who is NOT in their right mind due to drugs or alcohol - or someone with a social problem (drama llama, queen bee, emotional vampire, or whatever flavor of SS she might be).
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Yvaine

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #18 on: November 05, 2012, 10:12:54 AM »


I am very surprised that anyone is making excuses for A. IMO, she was very rude indeed and I would be reconsidering the status of the friendship.  I find her behaviour very very odd and don't think that you overreacted at all.

It's more that it's just so weird that it might be medication. The fact that these were total strangers, and the fact that she remembered the incident completely differently afterward--it could be that she's just an awful person and was rude and then gaslighted, but if it's out of character for her (and only the OP knows that--but it sounds like she wasn't a "frenemy" until this incident), it could have been an effect of something she's on for the pain. Being influenced by pain medication is not limited to uncouth people. I remember a few years ago there was an ehellion who flirted with her dentist while a drug was in effect and didn't remember it afterward. The OP's friend is drugged up enough that she can't drive, if I read it right, and mentioned feeling unwell before she started misbehaving. The question is whether this is unusual for her.

WillyNilly

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2012, 01:37:37 PM »
A was rude for sure.  But at least she didn't straight up ditch you.  If you are going to be livid at anyone you should be mad at your BF who just left you, without a word or hint of concern over you.  It sounds like A at least would have welcomed your inclusion in the conversation with the 2 guys, your BF didn't give a hoot about you or your comfort or your good time at all and was the astoundingly selfish one.  A's actions were too inclusive - she invited two too many people in the conversation, your BF's actions were too exclusive - he excluded everyone, even you.

BeagleMommy

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #20 on: November 05, 2012, 01:53:15 PM »
If this was unusual behavior for A I would attribute it to the medication.  If this was typical behavior, then she was rude.

I also find the guy making blatant insinuations that he was attracted to your BF very rude.  I would have had to put a stop to that immediately.  It would certainly have made my DH uncomfortable and I would have needed to rescue him.

Giggity

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #21 on: November 05, 2012, 02:07:57 PM »
Quote
Not to mention that one of the men kept making fairly blatant remarks about being attracted to BF, which was making him extremely uncomfortable.

Awkward! So one of the men was openly hitting on your boyfriend, right in front of you? And A didn't grasp that it made your boyfriend uncomfortable? "BF" means boyfriend here, right? Or does it mean "best friend?"

This is why I preach against the acronyms.
Words mean things.

Bookgirl

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #22 on: November 05, 2012, 02:09:09 PM »
But if A was on so much medication that she was acting completely out of character and can be excused for her actions, maybe she shouldn't be at a wine bar drinking?  I do realize that the OP and her BF took A there and maybe she had no say in the matter but it does seem like an odd choice of venue is she's completely hopped up on medication. 

OP, was A drinking wine or something nonalcoholic?  Was the venue your choice or hers? 
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rashea

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #23 on: November 05, 2012, 02:26:50 PM »
But if A was on so much medication that she was acting completely out of character and can be excused for her actions, maybe she shouldn't be at a wine bar drinking?  I do realize that the OP and her BF took A there and maybe she had no say in the matter but it does seem like an odd choice of venue is she's completely hopped up on medication. 

OP, was A drinking wine or something nonalcoholic?  Was the venue your choice or hers?

It's also possible that she was having a drink for the first time and didn't realize how they would combine.

I don't think people are saying she wasn't rude, or that she should get off on an excuse. I think people are looking for an explanation because it's just so odd. Hopefully A will get back to the OP soon to apologize!
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onyonryngs

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #24 on: November 05, 2012, 02:30:49 PM »
I think that I would give this a one time pass, for both sides.  I can see this happening if she was having a reaction to pain meds + alcohol.  I would also have to point out that the OP let someone find her own way home knowing that she had a combination of pain meds & alcohol in her system.  To me, that seems worse than the friend's actions, but like I said, free pass for everyone.  Maybe the friend wasn't aware that she'd have this strong a reaction with the mix.  I'm not saying that the friend wasn't rude to ignore her friends, but there seems to be a very logical explanation for her actions.  I would talk to her with a clear head and not accuse her of acting badly, but ask her if she thinks that she might have had a reaction to the med/alcohol combination -- and do it without judgement.

Yvaine

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #25 on: November 05, 2012, 03:09:46 PM »
I would also have to point out that the OP let someone find her own way home knowing that she had a combination of pain meds & alcohol in her system. 

This stood out to me too.

My best guess would be that the friend was either loopy from pain meds or else loopy from an unexpected reaction to mixing them with alcohol. Again, if this is the first time she seemed like a frenemy, I'd say let it go.

ladiedeathe

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #26 on: November 05, 2012, 03:15:24 PM »
Please correct me if I have facts wrong:
A agrees to go out with you a few weeks after a major surgery, and less time after treatment for a DVT.
She can't drive, has stitches, and is on pain medication. She is hobbling.
She complains of feeling faint and ill.
She has alcohol.
She behaves oddly, and later can't remember it.
She get's corrected for her behavior and leaves to seek public transport home- still denying behavior that was open and obvious.

I would seriously seriously say: What the blazes was she doing drinking on pain meds? And then wandering off home alone- hobbling?

A probably should not have been out, and really really probably should not have had a drink without her doc's permission. When she started acting weird, and then denying she had invited the guys over, it was time to take her home, and probably to call the doc or call her parents just to make sure she wasn't having a drug/alcohol interaction.

I certainly can't say if she was rude or not- I have no where near enough info, but my guess would go with "something interacted".
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Cat-Fu

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #27 on: November 05, 2012, 03:17:29 PM »
I would also have to point out that the OP let someone find her own way home knowing that she had a combination of pain meds & alcohol in her system. 

This stood out to me too.

My best guess would be that the friend was either loopy from pain meds or else loopy from an unexpected reaction to mixing them with alcohol. Again, if this is the first time she seemed like a frenemy, I'd say let it go.

I admit I found that a bit disturbing as well. Honestly, going out to wine bar with someone on pain meds is generally not a good idea. I know I've acted completely bizarrely & inappropriately when my pain meds have been mixed with basically anything else. (Luckily my DH is a very easygoing guy :P) You're the only one who can really determine if this is par for the course or unusual behavior, but I hope that if it's the latter, you chalk it up to pain med weirdness and let it go.
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MerryCat

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #28 on: November 05, 2012, 09:12:59 PM »
If this is out of character for A, I'd let it drop and try again. But if this is just another example in a history of dismissive/rude behaviour, which your description of her as a "frenemy" makes me think it might be, then I'd probably start distancing myself. You can still be supportive in her time of need without spending a lot of time around her. Maybe drop by with a casserole, chat for a bit, and then be off.

O'Dell

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #29 on: November 05, 2012, 09:36:53 PM »
If this is out of character for A, I'd let it drop and try again. But if this is just another example in a history of dismissive/rude behaviour, which your description of her as a "frenemy" makes me think it might be, then I'd probably start distancing myself. You can still be supportive in her time of need without spending a lot of time around her. Maybe drop by with a casserole, chat for a bit, and then be off.

I agree with this.
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