Author Topic: If you're out with us don't ignore us  (Read 5494 times)

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MrsJWine

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #30 on: November 06, 2012, 12:24:10 AM »
Is she still on painkillers? Because painkillers can kill more than just the pain. My judgment has occasionally been very off when I've been on painkillers. And that bad judgment might include the decision to take a drink when you shouldn't (I haven't done that, but I have attempted very physically demanding chores that could have put me back in the hospital, and other things). I am definitely more friendly and waaaay more laidback when I'm on them. I'm very thankful it has only ever been for very brief periods, where I could stay at home the whole time.

I can only imagine what would happen if I were out in a public place and a friend bought me a drink. I know you meant well by taking her out, but if she's still being treated for pain, that was probably the start of the Crazy Landslide.


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JadeAngel

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Re: If you're out with us don't ignore us
« Reply #31 on: November 06, 2012, 08:17:23 PM »
OP here, I'm going to answer a few of the very good points raised in this thread, apologies if this post is overly long

First and foremost for everyone who was concerned about alcohol and pain meds and getting home on her own, A was not drinking that day. We chose this wine bar specifically because they offered a large range of non-alcoholic drinks as well as wines and beers and also because it was close to Aís house and not likely to be crowded.

the only retrospect-type advice I would offer is to wait to deal with the issue.  Since you were already leaving to go to dinner, you could have had a nice dinner out and then called her a day or two later to discuss. 

"Hey, you know those guys you invited to sit with us at Wine Bar X?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, BF and I felt a little left out of the conversation after they sat down, we really wanted some time to catch up with you.  Next time, do you think we could avoid that sort of thing?"

You *could* wait a few days and call her to have this sort of conversation.  It might mean she is able to look at it with a clearer perspective.  Or not, and it's the sad truth, some people do these sorts of things because it suits them at the time and then get angry when others have the nerve to speak up.

True, it might have been better to wait a few days before broaching this with her, but the thing was she had noticed that my boyfriend seemed upset and asked about it directly, so I was in the position where either I told her some comforting white lie at the time and then came clean a few days later, or I had it out with her right there and then. Neither option was ideal, I chose the option I felt was best, possibly I was wrong.

I should also mention that this kind of behavior is something of a habit for A, itís not uncommon for her to turn around and start chatting to a complete stranger at the next table or to flirt with every man who comes past. She particularly likes having lots of men dancing attendance on her so she'll be very flirtatious. If the situation had been reversed and we as a couple had been more interested in snuggling with each other and talking privately in each others ears than chatting to A, I wouldn't have faulted her for being upset and feeling excluded. As far as I can see, that is pretty much what she did to us (minus the snuggling)

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It seems you and your BF saw this as a quiet catch-up. Your friend saw it more as a "hey, I'm feeling better now! Let's go have fun and maybe there'll be some guys at the bar for me to hook up with!" type situation

Possibly, although as I said A was still very fragile, she had a lot of stitches and found walking an arduous process so I donít think she was in any way ready to hook up with anyone. But perhaps she did get overexcited at being out of the house for the first time since her surgery, I can't necessarily fault her for that she is a friendly chatty person, but the plan was changed along the way because she didn't want to go anywhere crowded because she was afraid of being pushed or bumped, so the implication was that we were going for a quiet and casual afternoon out.

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However, your BF's reaction to having people sit with you was very immature.  Just walking away for so long that you got worried and went looking for him?  How much effort does it take to say, "I'm going to look for a bathroom" or "I think I have a phone call coming in, I'll be back in a bit"?  I understand where he's coming from, because it does hurt to be dropped by a friend when you're out with them.  It doesn't excuse the way he acted though.

Unfortunately I have to allow this as being correct. My boyfriend has a bad habit of walking away when something is aggravating him. On one hand itís a positive trait because he walks away, counts to ten, goes around the block and calms down before addressing the situation, but yes simply walking away and not coming back was not a polite way to behave. Heís getting better at talking to me when he is feeling stressed, but he still has bad reactions at times and this was one of them.

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Awkward! So one of the men was openly hitting on your boyfriend, right in front of you? And A didn't grasp that it made your boyfriend uncomfortable? "BF" means boyfriend here, right? Or does it mean "best friend?"

Apologies folks, yes he is my boyfriend, and yes the man was hitting on him despite being told that he and I were a couple. A laughed it off, I donít think she realized how uncomfortable it was for BF who was stuck at the end of the table with this guy beside him making quasi-flirtatious remarks. It was all meant in fun, but coming on to a complete stranger when the only thing you know about them is that they're dating someone sitting at the table who is female, was definitely crossing a boundary.

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You say she ignored you, but did you do anything to contribute to the conversation?  In my experience, people who claim to be "left out" also don't do anything to be "part of" whatever it is.  I am not saying this is you, but I have a difficult time understanding why you didn't simply be friendly for the length of time it took to finish one drink and then go elsewhere if you were unhappy.

I was joining in the conversation, out of a sense of politeness, even though I have no interest in the US housing market, which was primarily what they were discussing. My boyfriend was less forthcoming, but with A it is often hard to get a word in edgewise, hence the reason I had trouble leaving the table, I had to wait for a gap in the conversation where I could say Ďexcuse me for a momentí. I was indeed polite for the time it took to finish my drink, but there wasn't much call for me to do more than nod my head occasionally because A really could, given the chance, talk the leg off a chair.

I've not heard from A, apart from the text since the day of the unfortunate outing. I did want to thank everyone for their responses, it gave me a number of perspectives that I didn't consider and I don't know that I am willing to write off A as a friend just yet, but that will depend entirely on whether she still wants to be friends with me.