Rude Not to Shake Hands with Family Member?

[Hmmmmm]

He should not have gone to their house.

Agreed.  It is rude to not shake your host's hand.  If you have that much ill will for them, then you should be utilizing the cut direct and that would include not being a guest in their home. 

Sorry, I can sort of see why your uncle was so offended by this behavior that he lost his temper. 

[VorFemme]

It is far easier to "refuse" to shake hands and get away with it not being seen as an "insult" if your hands are full.

If your brother had been juggling the baby, the diaper bag, and anything else that he could carry to make things easier for the baby's mother......then uncle would have come across as the ONLY rude one because you just don't risk dropping a baby to shake hands.....this works best if the baby is a squirmy one that takes both hands to keep a good, firm grip on.

But even a limp, sleeping baby might need both hands if you have a blanket on one shoulder, a diaper bag, the baby, a pacifier, a stuffed animal trying to fall out of the diaper bag, and.....well, you get the idea - keep your hands obviously too full to have one to spare to shake hands. 

Too late for the christening and after-party - but something an Aspie can remember as a "rule". 

If you don't want to shake hands or get screamed at for not shaking their hands - have your hands full of something that is obviously too precious to risk dropping.  No baby?  He can carry any leftovers in glass dishes out to the car for his wife (spouse, partner, whatever) - he can hold onto the toddler (babies do grow up - but they sometimes have to be carried out to a vehicle while asleep - and this is another good technique to avoid shaking hands without being too obvious) and carry something else in the other hand (keys, a purse, diaper bag for a younger sibling, Christmas stocking if they've just been over for the family get-together, that sort of thing).

Or he can mention having a "sore hand", if he can pull off the social lie/little white lie without being obviously telling a lie.  Some can, some can't.....wearing an elastic brace or a strategically placed bandage of some kind helps keep some of the worst "I'm gonna shake your hand and squeeze it till it hurts to show how sincere I am" types (or is that "I'm gonna squeeze it till it hurts to prove that I am stronger than you are or superordinate to you"?  I'm never sure....).

I had to read an article about "body language" in high school to realize that I'd been missing something that everyone else thought was obvious.  I went into sociology because "science" and "engineering" make sense - I wanted to study what I didn't understand - which was how people interact.  After reaching my fifties, I understand people much better....some of the time.....I just don't understand all of the people all of the time.  Apparently logic circuits got left out of a lot of people - I'm still trying to figure out which ones, because the logical ones don't have pointed ears....and the illogical ones don't look obviously Klingon...or like trolls, orcs, sprites, or anything else that would help me tell them at a glance from the logical ones.

But I digress...and your brother might have been a 1 on a rudeness scale of one to five - uncle reached a 5 and was apparently trying to scream his way to a 6, even if the scale wasn't meant to go that high.

[Visiting Crazy Town]

 Your Brother was extremely rude her had not problem accepting your uncle's hospitality but when he was leave and your uncle went to shake his had your brother not only refuse he apparently folded his arms infront of your uncle and just nodded his head as of your uncle was unworthy of even a comment.

[Judah]

I think the only mistake your brother made was going to uncle's house.  He should have just gone to the church and attended the service for the baby, but bowed out of the celebration afterwards if it was at uncle's house.  I think your brother is justified in giving uncle the cut direct, but should have avoided the position of accepting hospitality from him. I wouldn't shake someone's hands after being insulted and demeaned either.

I agree with this, and I would add that while I wouldn't shake hands with someone who had insulted and demeaned me, I wouldn't go to their house either. 

[LadyL]

It is far easier to "refuse" to shake hands and get away with it not being seen as an "insult" if your hands are full.

Yep. Your brother needs to learn to navigate the modified cut direct  (by definition you're not applying the cut direct to someone whose hospitality you've accepted by attending a party in their home). Basically as soon as there is an opportunity to come in contact with the person, you suddenly become occupied - need to use the bathroom, refill your drink in the other room, have to hold the door for someone, etc. If directly confronted, a white lie is a safer bet if having physical contact with the person is a deal breaker (tell everyone you are sick and not giving hugs/hand shakes, or that you hurt your hand, etc.).

The uncle sounds like a real peach but people like that unfortunately exist everywhere and your brother will benefit from learning how not to engage this particular type of crazy.

[SamiHami]

Refusing to shake hands with someone is a big deal. I think that your brother refused to shake hands with your uncle in your uncle's house makes it even worse.

If you brother was not going to give your uncle the basic courtesy of shaking his hand, he should never have gone to his house and accepted his hospitality.(Not that your uncle's behavior was acceptable, but still, your brother was in the wrong, Aspbergers or not).

This exactly. You don't accept someone's hospitality and then refuse to shake his hand. If your brother felt that strongly he should have declined to attend. That doesn't excuse the uncle's rudeness, but the first offense was committed by your brother.

[rashea]

Sorry, but I think if you're going to accept someone's hospitality, you can't then refuse to shake hands with them. You don't go to the party someone is giving if you're giving them the cut. It's that simple. Had he gone to the ceremony and then home, he would have been fine. But if someone came to my house and then refused to shake my hand they simply would never be invited over again.

[Lynnv]

Refusing to shake hands with someone is a big deal. I think that your brother refused to shake hands with your uncle in your uncle's house makes it even worse.

If you brother was not going to give your uncle the basic courtesy of shaking his hand, he should never have gone to his house and accepted his hospitality.(Not that your uncle's behavior was acceptable, but still, your brother was in the wrong, Aspbergers or not).

This exactly. You don't accept someone's hospitality and then refuse to shake his hand. If your brother felt that strongly he should have declined to attend. That doesn't excuse the uncle's rudeness, but the first offense was committed by your brother.

I agree.  Uncle Obnoxious won't be winning any good manners prizes either.  And he certainly sounds like a complete jerk.  But, unless he did something offensive at the party to warrant giving him the cut direct, your brother was in the wrong for accepting his hospitality and then refusing a basic courtesy like a handshake.  Truthfully, I would not have been willing to shake hands with Uncle Obnoxious-but that means that I would not have gone to his home and accepted his hospitality.

[Jones]

After all the stories you've told on this website about Uncle, I probably would have done what you did...attend the church ceremony, go home. Send a card, maybe. Similar to the rights read at arrest, once going to Uncle's house, anything your brother said or did could be used against him, and, obviously, was.

[DavidH]

I think we all agree your uncle was particularly rude, but since the tirade happened after your brother refused to shake hands, that can't be the justification for refusing.

Your brother, on the other hand, was also rude.  Once you accept someones hospitality, you have implicitly decided to move on.  You cannot say I tried to put our differences aside and came to your home, but won't shake your hand and take any moral high ground.  Had his uncle reopened the argument during the reception, then you could argue that this new argument was why your brother refused, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. 

He either should have not gone to your uncle's house, or actually moved on, the midpoint doesn't work. 

[NyaChan]

Uncle's response doesn't change what your brother actually did, which was to accept someone's hospitality, go to their home, and then refuse to shake their hand.  Your brother is the one who first brought the negativity to the event which should have been a nice memory for the parents of the child.  Rude.  If he was not in a good enough place to shake the hand of his host, he should not have attended.

[Jenny13]

Although they may have disputed about something entirely different, your uncle was still invited to the christening and  was refused a handshake by the "host"? I'm thinking your brother was rude by not accepting a handshake.

I should add though that your uncles reaction was far from appropriate.

[CrochetFanatic]

This is all clear to my brother now, in retrospect, and he acknowledges it.  I'm just glad I got out of having to witness this one.

[Yvaine]

Although they may have disputed about something entirely different, your uncle was still invited to the christening and  was refused a handshake by the "host"? I'm thinking your brother was rude by not accepting a handshake.

I should add though that your uncles reaction was far from appropriate.

I think the uncle was the host, but I'm not 100% sure.

[CrochetFanatic]

He was.  It was over at his house.