Rude Not to Shake Hands with Family Member?

[CrochetFanatic]

I apologize.  I know I said I wouldn't post anymore in this topic, but I think I misunderstood.

[June24]

Nobody's asked the question I would like to hear the answer to - Did your uncle attempt to shake hands with anyone else? If he was shaking hands all around, I personally think that's weird with family but I'd say your brother was probably rude.

If on the other hand your brother was the only one your uncle wanted to shake hands with, I'd guess it was a deliberate provocation and I personally think your brother is fine. If you choose to bait someone you've already been horribly rude to, I don't think normal rules take precedence.

I completely agree. The way I envision it, the uncle singled out the brother for a handshake as a way of forcing him to acknowledge that everything was ok between them. I can see brother going to uncle's house as a way of starting to mend the relationship slowly. But this deliberate, passive aggressive provocation probably undid his resolve to be civil. Shaking hands is usually not a normal thing that uncle does. He just wanted his nephew to capitulate and forget about his hateful comments.

[Marbles]

CrochetFanatic, if you're looking at what to do in the future, here are a few suggestions.

- If your uncle comes to your mom's house as a guest, be busy helping your mom with the hosting duties so that you don't have to interact with him much. Cook, set the table, clean up, invent things to do. Be too busy to sit down and visit.

- If he hosts, then don't go. If you and your brother feel that strongly about Uncle's shananigans (understandably), then it isn't appropriate to accept Uncle's hospitality.

- Once you move out, don't invite him over if you don't want to give him the basics of courtesy. In fact, I'd say it's a good rule of thumb that if you wouldn't shake a man's hand, you shouldn't be extending an invitation to him.

[Twik]

In fact, I'd say it's a good rule of thumb that if you wouldn't shake a man's hand, you shouldn't be extending an invitation to him.

Pod here. If it's important enough that you would cut someone to their face (and there are times when I think that it is), you don't expect to avoid unpleasantness otherwise.

[Drawberry]

It's absolutely not rude to not shake hands with someone who has insulted your sexual orientation. Prejudice deserves no niceties.

I admit to finding it appalling that people would find a lack of hand-shake rude when the man in question has been abusive and slanderous and prejudiced. If Uncle had been openly racist towards the brother I doubt people would say that Brother owed him a hand-shake!

It's really simply horrifying to me that anyone would even consider that this man owes Uncle any form of nicety.

[Sharnita]

It's absolutely not rude to not shake hands with someone who has insulted your sexual orientation. Prejudice deserves no niceties.

I admit to finding it appalling that people would find a lack of hand-shake rude when the man in question has been abusive and slanderous and prejudiced. If Uncle had been openly racist towards the brother I doubt people would say that Brother owed him a hand-shake!

It's really simply horrifying to me that anyone would even consider that this man owes Uncle any form of nicety.

It isn't that he owes a handshake, it is that he owes consistancy.  So if he is cutting uncle he needs to be consistant about it.  Back and forth, on and off is the problem. 

[Mental Magpie]

It's absolutely not rude to not shake hands with someone who has insulted your sexual orientation. Prejudice deserves no niceties.

I admit to finding it appalling that people would find a lack of hand-shake rude when the man in question has been abusive and slanderous and prejudiced. If Uncle had been openly racist towards the brother I doubt people would say that Brother owed him a hand-shake!

It's really simply horrifying to me that anyone would even consider that this man owes Uncle any form of nicety.

It isn't that he owes a handshake, it is that he owes consistancy.  So if he is cutting uncle he needs to be consistant about it.  Back and forth, on and off is the problem.

Exactly, Sharnita.  Had brother not gone to uncle's house to celebrate a major life event and instead randomly ran into uncle in the store, he wouldn't owe uncle a handshake.  However, after accepting uncle's hospitality and on the surface be appearing to support the uncle in his daughter's baptism, brother seemed to support things uncle said and thus is rude to refuse the handshake.  If he wanted to boycott uncle's slanderous comments, he shouldn't have gone to the event period.  You don't eat the entire meal then call the waiter over to complain that it was cold and had hair in it.  You start out by just not eating it.

[DavidH]

As others have said, giving him the cut direct is fine and probably waranted, however, you can't accept an invitation from someone in the middle of giving them the cut direct.  Once you accept the invitation, you are in effect saying I am willing to socialize with you now, so unless there was a new issue during the event, you are committed to the new course you've chosen.

It is possible that asking him to shake hands was baiting him, but it could just as easily have been a way of trying to acknowledge that their disagreement was in the past.  I can't find a way to justify the double standard of accepting the invitation and the hospitality, but being unwilling to shake hands.

[miranova]

It's absolutely not rude to not shake hands with someone who has insulted your sexual orientation. Prejudice deserves no niceties.

I admit to finding it appalling that people would find a lack of hand-shake rude when the man in question has been abusive and slanderous and prejudiced. If Uncle had been openly racist towards the brother I doubt people would say that Brother owed him a hand-shake!

It's really simply horrifying to me that anyone would even consider that this man owes Uncle any form of nicety.

Nobody owes anyone anything.  But if someone is trying to send a message that prejudiced behavior is not ok, the first step would be to NOT accept social invitations to their home.  It just doesn't make sense to do so and only then to make a point to refuse to shake their hand.