Author Topic: Rude not to drink?  (Read 7343 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #30 on: November 08, 2012, 06:14:19 PM »
If nothing else, your DH made you look good!

Your MIL has to know that the coffee wasn't good, but she also has to know what you did. And if she's at all sensitive, she's realized that you tried to spare her feelings. That HAS to win you points.

girlysprite

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #31 on: November 09, 2012, 04:10:15 AM »
Yeah, your DH has been rude. I do wonder if you should insert yourself in the situation where he is a rude against her, or let those two figure it out themselves. I also sometimes have smaller issues where I feel that my DH is kinda rude against his family, but I decided to leave it up to his family to speak up for themselves. For my part, I just try to stay nice and polite to them.

LB

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #32 on: November 09, 2012, 06:57:23 AM »
There is certainly a middle ground between your reaction and your husband's. Like others have said, I think it is not impolite to gently say you don't care for something. That's a big difference from saying you can't drink something and pouring it down the sink. I think he was rude. Even in a "know your audience" situation, you can be kind when saying you don't like something.

MamaMootz

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #33 on: November 09, 2012, 09:00:05 AM »
Yeah, your DH has been rude. I do wonder if you should insert yourself in the situation where he is a rude against her, or let those two figure it out themselves. I also sometimes have smaller issues where I feel that my DH is kinda rude against his family, but I decided to leave it up to his family to speak up for themselves. For my part, I just try to stay nice and polite to them.

I spoke to him afterward and told him he could have been kinder to her. I don't see that as inserting myself. She is a lovely woman and was trying hard with very little means to make a bad situation better for us by giving us the treats she could. She doesn't drink coffee, so she didn't know what she did was wrong. It wasn't my place to correct her but it wasn't his place to be mean, either. She deserved to be treated with kindness, not disdain. If that is inserting myself into the situation, then so be it. Sometimes he does not realize how harsh he can be.
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Fleur

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #34 on: November 09, 2012, 09:38:25 AM »


I am going to go against the grain and say that your DH absolutely was rude. I wouldn't dream of speaking to anyone that way, parents or anyone else. You were quite right, though I certainly don't blame you for not finishing the bad drink. As someone who also hasn't got the first clue about coffee (see a much earlier thread of mine) I think your MIL just was trying to be nice, and your DH should have been far more polite in how he handled her mistake.

msulinski

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #35 on: November 09, 2012, 10:56:12 AM »
This reminded me of when I was 8 years old and spending the night at my best friend's house.  BFF had told her mother that I liked bacon a bit undercooked.  (Yes, but just a little bit undercooked!)  So BFF's mom made us bacon -- that was almost completely raw.

Even at that age, though, my mom's training came through -- I ate the bacon without a murmur, even though it was awful.

I vote DH was a bit rude, and the OP was gracious.

I can't think of a situation where I think someone should have to eat something (not just have 1 bite) of something truly awful while pretending it was good. If I don't want to eat something, I won't though I will generally try to deflect any questions about why I am not eating something.

In your case, you ate borderline-raw food, which can make you sick. I don't think you need to risk your health to avoid hurting someone's feelings.

Winterlight

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #36 on: November 09, 2012, 11:57:27 AM »
Yeah, your DH has been rude. I do wonder if you should insert yourself in the situation where he is a rude against her, or let those two figure it out themselves. I also sometimes have smaller issues where I feel that my DH is kinda rude against his family, but I decided to leave it up to his family to speak up for themselves. For my part, I just try to stay nice and polite to them.

I spoke to him afterward and told him he could have been kinder to her. I don't see that as inserting myself. She is a lovely woman and was trying hard with very little means to make a bad situation better for us by giving us the treats she could. She doesn't drink coffee, so she didn't know what she did was wrong. It wasn't my place to correct her but it wasn't his place to be mean, either. She deserved to be treated with kindness, not disdain. If that is inserting myself into the situation, then so be it. Sometimes he does not realize how harsh he can be.

I think you were right to call him on this- he was rude to someone who is doing him a favor (taking your family in because of the hurricane) and doing the best she could. If he was treated that way, would he want to go the extra mile and help this person in future?
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To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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Hmmmmm

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #37 on: November 09, 2012, 12:27:30 PM »
I'm sure there is additional back story here given he hasn't seen his mom in 6 years but was willing to call her up to request a favor of staying with her during an emergency.  But I agree with you that your DH is being a brat.

I'm sure he is dealing with some of his own personal issues like being displaced, maybe a little guilt about going so long without seeing his mom, maybe even concern about her personal finances.  But I think you are right that he needs to get over himself. 

Honestly, if my DH had complained about the dinner the night before and refused to eat and then reacted that way with the coffee the next morning, I think I'd be taking my MIL out for lunch and having us figure out a way to communicate while pouty boy stayed home and fixed his lunch just the way he liked it. 

MamaMootz

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #38 on: November 09, 2012, 12:43:15 PM »
I'm sure there is additional back story here given he hasn't seen his mom in 6 years but was willing to call her up to request a favor of staying with her during an emergency.  But I agree with you that your DH is being a brat.

I'm sure he is dealing with some of his own personal issues like being displaced, maybe a little guilt about going so long without seeing his mom, maybe even concern about her personal finances.  But I think you are right that he needs to get over himself. 

Honestly, if my DH had complained about the dinner the night before and refused to eat and then reacted that way with the coffee the next morning, I think I'd be taking my MIL out for lunch and having us figure out a way to communicate while pouty boy stayed home and fixed his lunch just the way he liked it.

OP again. No sinister backstory here - haven't seen her in 6 years as we were relocated across the country from her for the past 6 years. She refuses to fly - to get her out of the house is a major coup. We could not afford to fly back and see her during that time. He speaks with her on the phone almost daily, so they have a pretty good relationship, although she just wants to chat with him and he gets impatient with that as well. We just got relocated back and she heard we were without power and offered us her home.

I was fine with DH going without dinner due to his poutiness the night before, and as I said, I reprimanded him for the coffee thing. He could have told her gently that the coffee was not brewed properly instead of dumping it down the drain and saying "I can't drink this s***".
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Hmmmmm

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #39 on: November 09, 2012, 03:55:22 PM »
I'm sure there is additional back story here given he hasn't seen his mom in 6 years but was willing to call her up to request a favor of staying with her during an emergency.  But I agree with you that your DH is being a brat.

I'm sure he is dealing with some of his own personal issues like being displaced, maybe a little guilt about going so long without seeing his mom, maybe even concern about her personal finances.  But I think you are right that he needs to get over himself. 

Honestly, if my DH had complained about the dinner the night before and refused to eat and then reacted that way with the coffee the next morning, I think I'd be taking my MIL out for lunch and having us figure out a way to communicate while pouty boy stayed home and fixed his lunch just the way he liked it.

OP again. No sinister backstory here - haven't seen her in 6 years as we were relocated across the country from her for the past 6 years. She refuses to fly - to get her out of the house is a major coup. We could not afford to fly back and see her during that time. He speaks with her on the phone almost daily, so they have a pretty good relationship, although she just wants to chat with him and he gets impatient with that as well. We just got relocated back and she heard we were without power and offered us her home.

I was fine with DH going without dinner due to his poutiness the night before, and as I said, I reprimanded him for the coffee thing. He could have told her gently that the coffee was not brewed properly instead of dumping it down the drain and saying "I can't drink this s***".

Sorry for jumping to a conclusion.  I incorrectly assumed you guys had been living in the same general area and evacuated to her home so while yours was inhabitable.

LB

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #40 on: November 09, 2012, 04:27:31 PM »

OP again. No sinister backstory here - haven't seen her in 6 years as we were relocated across the country from her for the past 6 years. She refuses to fly - to get her out of the house is a major coup. We could not afford to fly back and see her during that time. He speaks with her on the phone almost daily, so they have a pretty good relationship, although she just wants to chat with him and he gets impatient with that as well. We just got relocated back and she heard we were without power and offered us her home.

I was fine with DH going without dinner due to his poutiness the night before, and as I said, I reprimanded him for the coffee thing. He could have told her gently that the coffee was not brewed properly instead of dumping it down the drain and saying "I can't drink this s***".

I know I said before that I thought he was rude. Saying what he said raises it to hurtful, IMO. Maybe not deliberately so, but hurtful, nonetheless.

He could have just told her "Thanks for the thought, but instant isn't supposed to be brewed in the coffee maker."

It might be a kindness to tell her this in case she has coffee drinking guests in the future.

MamaMootz

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #41 on: November 09, 2012, 08:25:09 PM »
I'm sure there is additional back story here given he hasn't seen his mom in 6 years but was willing to call her up to request a favor of staying with her during an emergency.  But I agree with you that your DH is being a brat.

I'm sure he is dealing with some of his own personal issues like being displaced, maybe a little guilt about going so long without seeing his mom, maybe even concern about her personal finances.  But I think you are right that he needs to get over himself. 

Honestly, if my DH had complained about the dinner the night before and refused to eat and then reacted that way with the coffee the next morning, I think I'd be taking my MIL out for lunch and having us figure out a way to communicate while pouty boy stayed home and fixed his lunch just the way he liked it.

OP again. No sinister backstory here - haven't seen her in 6 years as we were relocated across the country from her for the past 6 years. She refuses to fly - to get her out of the house is a major coup. We could not afford to fly back and see her during that time. He speaks with her on the phone almost daily, so they have a pretty good relationship, although she just wants to chat with him and he gets impatient with that as well. We just got relocated back and she heard we were without power and offered us her home.

I was fine with DH going without dinner due to his poutiness the night before, and as I said, I reprimanded him for the coffee thing. He could have told her gently that the coffee was not brewed properly instead of dumping it down the drain and saying "I can't drink this s***".

Sorry for jumping to a conclusion.  I incorrectly assumed you guys had been living in the same general area and evacuated to her home so while yours was inhabitable.

Oh, no need for an apology - nobody is going to know the background unless I explain it.  :)
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MamaMootz

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #42 on: November 09, 2012, 08:27:06 PM »

OP again. No sinister backstory here - haven't seen her in 6 years as we were relocated across the country from her for the past 6 years. She refuses to fly - to get her out of the house is a major coup. We could not afford to fly back and see her during that time. He speaks with her on the phone almost daily, so they have a pretty good relationship, although she just wants to chat with him and he gets impatient with that as well. We just got relocated back and she heard we were without power and offered us her home.

I was fine with DH going without dinner due to his poutiness the night before, and as I said, I reprimanded him for the coffee thing. He could have told her gently that the coffee was not brewed properly instead of dumping it down the drain and saying "I can't drink this s***".

I know I said before that I thought he was rude. Saying what he said raises it to hurtful, IMO. Maybe not deliberately so, but hurtful, nonetheless.

He could have just told her "Thanks for the thought, but instant isn't supposed to be brewed in the coffee maker."

It might be a kindness to tell her this in case she has coffee drinking guests in the future.

And fortunately, she didn't understand what he said when he poured it down the drain, as he said it in the language she doesn't really understand all that well.  I knew the commentary was rude but at least she didn't understand what he said. The action was hurtful enough to her, I think. I believe her other son told her not to brew instant in the coffee maker again, so she knows better now.
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mindicherry

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Re: Rude not to drink?
« Reply #43 on: November 09, 2012, 10:20:05 PM »
DH and I had a disagreement this past weekend while staying at his mom's house. She doesn't know how to cook very well and wanted to make me some coffee in the morning. She tried to brew instant coffee in her coffeemaker and it tasted just awful.

My question is this: do you drink the coffee anyway or do you tell his mom that it's bad?

I was of the opinion that I drink it anyway, because I don't want to insult her hospitality. I just took some sips from the cup and said my stomach was bothering me a bit, so I couldn't finish it and I left it at that.

DH picked up his cup and dumped it down the sink straightaway, stating he couldn't drink that.

I contend he was rude. Thoughts? Does the fact that this is his mom and family pay any part in whether or not it was rude?
If it was me and my mom (and my mom couldn't make a decent cup of coffee even if you held a gun to her head), I would have taken a sip and said "mom - stick to tea - you are good at that!".  My husband would have politely drank the coffee

With my MIL, it would be the same (except hubs would have told her her coffee was horrible and I would have taken a few sips until Hubs outburst gave me an "out" to stop drinking)

It just depends on the family dynamic!