Your family isn't invited to the baby shower I am throwing!

[Deetee]

This is a shame. I'm wondering if there is any way to get past this. I can't predict the future, but it doesn't bode super well for the father to suddenly step up. However in situations with an absent father, the grandma can sometimes be a great source of support and stability. This grandma is not tending that way.

[theatrevenus]

The father doesn't live with his mother. She kicked him out over a year ago do to his heavy partying and other misbehavior. He also has not expressed the desire to have partial custody of the baby. My parents even offered to let him stay at their house so he could be more hands on but he usually goes out with his friends at all hours instead.

[Charliebug]

If the mother-to-be is only 19 it doesn't surprise me the boyfriend is still into heavy partying- that is the time to do it before settling down. Unfortunately the equipment is often operated before reading the owners manual thoroughly.

I have a feeling both sets of grandparents will be doing a lot more parenting than they thought they would and it would be in the best interests of everyone if the soon-to-be grandparents were acquinted a few times before the new arrival comes along and agree on what their roles will be. A baby shower might be a good place to start with the initial introduction and perhaps after that the paternal grandmother will see that she isn't the be all end all in grandparenthood (is that a word?) and arrangements can be made that are beneficial to all involved. Daddy doesn't seem to be willing to step up to the plate...perhaps his Mommy can?

Hope springs eternal though....I wish all the best for everyone in this situation.   

[cicero]

Not including S's family is acceptable if there are two showers.  its common to invite at least the 'grandma to be' but not required.

But keeping the gifts is, IMO, unacceptable - if they are given to S they belong to S and its straight up theft to take them from her.  I think your sister would be fine to not show up herself if none of the gifts are actually for her.

yes.

but seriously, the bigger picture here is that there will be a baby coming along in about 3 months! and the baby needs parents, and an extended loving family. both the grandma to be, her relatives, and her son/baby daddy as well as your sister are acting like infants. I hope your parents understand that most likely they will have to step in as parents or part time parents. and i hope someone will step in to protect this child and the child's best interests.

[Pen^2]

What a situation and a half!

If the grandma is going to keep the gifts (technically, we have a word for this: 'stealing'), then the shower is for her. Your sister has no reason or obligation to attend. In fact, it would be very much better if she didn't.

Often, we wait until the baby is born to see people's true colours. Fortunately, grandma here is giving everyone a heads-up. It's great that your sister has already told her 'no' to looking after the baby on her days off. But it's clear that grandma needs a clearer message, since she doesn't seem to want to hear it.

Grandma is preparing to walk all over your sister (moreso, anyway). That much is obvious. Your sister, unfortunately, is now in the position of being about to raise a child while being essentially a single mother, with an overbearing and ill-intentioned relative making things a hundred times harder than they need to be. It really sounds like grandma will give your sister more trouble than a newborn baby! She needs to very quickly get used to standing up for herself and, more importantly, her baby. It's good your sister has a family that is willing to help her out in these areas, but still, be strong! Don't show weakness or this woman will make life hell. I hope your sister is aware of what she'll have to do in this respect, in the interests of her baby.

It goes without saying that the baby should never be left in this woman's clutches. She'd probably go and get its ears pierced or give it whisky to stop it crying or something awful. It doesn't bear thinking about.

[BeagleMommy]

OP, may I suggest somebody embroider a sampler with several ehell saying on it to be given to your sister.  The ones that come to mind are:

I'm afraid that won't be possible
How kind of you to take an interest
Why would I want to do that?
No

[Mikayla]

This is so off the rails I don't even know what to think.  But I'm not quite ready to hold Grandma's feet to the fire.

Her shower "plans" are ludicrous, but she's also reacting to a pretty scary situation.  This baby has 2 young parents who can't hold down a job, and neither of whom - especially her son - is ready for any of this.  She may feel she'll need to step in as a major support system, and in some weird way this "entitles" her to a shower.

It doesn't change the wrongness of how she's going about it, but it gives context as to why she's doing it.   And I agree with PPs saying the important thing is that everyone pull together on behalf of this baby.

[MurPl1]

No the baby will not be living with the Grandma. She has throw a fit and demanded S let her have the baby on all her off days. S told her no but she still seems to think it will happen.

This grandma needs to be put in her place in regards to who makes these decisions - grandma has a special place in a baby's life, but this kind of thing is hte province of the parents and only them. If they don't start right from the start with boundary enforcement, they will be sorry in the long run. After all the baby has two grandma's and two sides of the family - both of whom have the right to see and form relationships with this child.

Sadly, I think the boundaries will end up being set by a court order in the sooner rather than later future. 

[kareng57]

This is so off the rails I don't even know what to think.  But I'm not quite ready to hold Grandma's feet to the fire.

Her shower "plans" are ludicrous, but she's also reacting to a pretty scary situation.  This baby has 2 young parents who can't hold down a job, and neither of whom - especially her son - is ready for any of this.  She may feel she'll need to step in as a major support system, and in some weird way this "entitles" her to a shower.

It doesn't change the wrongness of how she's going about it, but it gives context as to why she's doing it.   And I agree with PPs saying the important thing is that everyone pull together on behalf of this baby.

Sigh ....I have to agree. Grandma obviously is not going through this in the correct way, but it does sound as though she's realistic as to who will be raising the baby.  A sad situation, all around.

[HermioneGranger]

This is so off the rails I don't even know what to think.  But I'm not quite ready to hold Grandma's feet to the fire.

Her shower "plans" are ludicrous, but she's also reacting to a pretty scary situation.  This baby has 2 young parents who can't hold down a job, and neither of whom - especially her son - is ready for any of this.  She may feel she'll need to step in as a major support system, and in some weird way this "entitles" her to a shower.

It doesn't change the wrongness of how she's going about it, but it gives context as to why she's doing it.   And I agree with PPs saying the important thing is that everyone pull together on behalf of this baby.

Sigh ....I have to agree. Grandma obviously is not going through this in the correct way, but it does sound as though she's realistic as to who will be raising the baby.  A sad situation, all around.

I agree too. 

[katiescarlett]

My niece was born to a teenage mother (18), and my brother, who at 23 wanted nothing to do with her.  In fact he never even held her until she was 4 months old.  Our situation was rather like the OP's, in that we did not know a baby was coming until the mother was 7 months pregnant.  My brother refused to tell my parents.  My parents found out when the mama sent them a baby shower invitation with a letter inside it telling them it was for the granddaughter they did not know existed.

We did not know this girl at all, but did our best to get to know her and her family.  Long story short, she lived with my parents until Ella was 8 weeks old, then left.  My parents have been raising Ella since (adopting her when she was 4). 

The point to my rather rambly story is that your sister needs to set boundaries now, before the baby is born, and stick to them.  She will need to rely on your family, and extended family if possible, but make sure other grandma knows who is in charge.  It's fine if other grandma wants baby things at her house, but don't throw a shower for sis and then keep her gifts.  They are not hers to keep, and I would not allow it if I was S.  I would simply pack them up.  Really, if I was your sis, I would not even go to the shower, as PPs have suggested.

Good luck and congrats on being an aunt.  Even if it is not the best situation, there will still be a precious little baby coming who will need lots of love, especially from an aunty!  That was one thing I had a hard time with.  While we were not thrilled with the whole situation, it was not Ella's fault, and I was rather excited about being an aunt.