Your son should live on campus

[CreteGirl]

We are fortunate to live in a city with a well respected university.  My son is a junior, and commutes about 45 minutes to get to class.  Because of the in-state tuition rate, we are able to pay for his college education without any loans or student aid.  We can do this because my son lives at home, saving us the cost of student housing.  My husband and I agree that my son should not have to work if he chooses not to, as long as he focuses on school and keeps his grades up.  We are also trying to teach him how to make smart financial decisions.  He graduated with highest distinction from Jr. college, and has no desire to live on campus.

However, some friends of ours think that our son should be living on campus, even going as far as saying we should buy him a house near campus.  They have brought it up several times, and each time we have told them clearly that we have made the right decision for our family. 

Saturday night we met them for dinner, and they once again brought it up, even going as far as to show my son a picture of a girl who is looking for a roommate at the college.  Again we stated that we have made a decision that works for our family.

i am irritated, because I feel like they are overstepping their bounds by trying to change a decision that they have no part of.

Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

 

[NyaChan]

You are not overreacting - this is very odd behavior on their part.  I suspect they are projecting their own experiences onto your son, perhaps imagining him being tied to home against his will, rather than enjoying the independence that in their minds is crucial to growing up.  I would say the next time, "Friend, this is the Xth time you have brought this up, and quite frankly, I don't understand why.  Son made the decision that worked best for him and we as his parents support him.  This is not up for discussion and if you continue to bring it up, we will be leaving."

[misha412]

What NyaChan said completely.

Your son is making a very smart decision to stay at home and rack up no debt going to college. You are great for giving him that chance.

[WillyNilly]

wow.  They are way out of line! They really have no say in the matter, and unless they are willing to pay for your son's housing they need to stay out of it and not tell you how to spend your money.

[MrTango]

I would ask them directly why they are so insistent on the matter.  Don't let them change the subject after you ask.

The more uncomfortable you make this conversation for them, the less likely they are to ever bring it up again.

[strawbabies]

If they don't drop it, I'd stop socializing with them.  They're being very presumptuous in acting like they know what's best for your son and your money.

[Hmmmmm]

I would ask them directly why they are so insistent on the matter.  Don't let them change the subject after you ask.

The more uncomfortable you make this conversation for them, the less likely they are to ever bring it up again.

This.  But be prepared for them to really end up telling their opinions.  And it could damage your relationship with them for a long time.

[Lady Snowdon]

Wow!  These friends of yours actually tell you that you should buy a house for your son near campus?  That is way overstepping any boundaries I can think of!

That being said, I can kind of understand where they're coming from.  It's very firmly entrenched in many people's minds that you can only acquire the skills necessary to surviving on your own by actually living independently.  For many young adults, the first time they have a chance to live independently is when they go to college.  So your friends may feel that you are stifling your son, and preventing him from learning skills vital to living in the "real world".  This in no way gives them the right to make these comments to you guys, of course. 

Instead of saying "We made the right decision for us", can you focus on how this is something your son is okay with?  Start saying "Yes, and Son is very glad that he doesn't have to live on campus since he has no desire to do so".  That might be giving out too much information though. 

[Deetee]

The only thing I can think of (and I still think they are overstepping) is if your son actually would prefer to live on campus (but I know you said he didn't).

I suppose I think of myself and even though I get along well with my family, I wanted to move out at  18 and I really enjoyed the freedom I had and I would have gladly taken on the debt. (I paid for my own university but had enough scholarships and a job to cover it)

So maybe it sound better of your son could tell them that he is happy with the arrangement.

[Sharnita]

I'd be tempted to say "wow, he will be so excited to hear that you have offered to pay for his room and board"

[LeveeWoman]

We are fortunate to live in a city with a well respected university.  My son is a junior, and commutes about 45 minutes to get to class.  Because of the in-state tuition rate, we are able to pay for his college education without any loans or student aid.  We can do this because my son lives at home, saving us the cost of student housing.  My husband and I agree that my son should not have to work if he chooses not to, as long as he focuses on school and keeps his grades up.  We are also trying to teach him how to make smart financial decisions.  He graduated with highest distinction from Jr. college, and has no desire to live on campus.

However, some friends of ours think that our son should be living on campus, even going as far as saying we should buy him a house near campus.  They have brought it up several times, and each time we have told them clearly that we have made the right decision for our family. 

Saturday night we met them for dinner, and they once again brought it up, even going as far as to show my son a picture of a girl who is looking for a roommate at the college.  Again we stated that we have made a decision that works for our family.

i am irritated, because I feel like they are overstepping their bounds by trying to change a decision that they have no part of.

Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

 

They showed him a picture of a girl? Why? To entice him to live with her? Do they know her? Could she be a niece or some other relative whom they're trying to help pay for her own apartment?

[O'Dell]

I would ask them directly why they are so insistent on the matter.  Don't let them change the subject after you ask.

The more uncomfortable you make this conversation for them, the less likely they are to ever bring it up again.

I like this. But if you aren't up for it, then I agree with those saying that the emphasis should be on what your son wants and what he has decided. If he's around to tell them that, then all the better.

[kareng57]

Both of my kids lived at home while attending college.  We could afford to help them out with tuition - we couldn't afford to pay room-and-board for them simply to let them have the "college experience".  And honestly, I can't understand why anyone would think that the "college experience" is important for letting young people make smart financial decisions.  If Mom and Dad are paying room and board and providing an allowance - what's to stop Student from making a stupid decision to spend his allowance on a cool stereo system as opposed to needed clothing, for example?

But I agree that there's little point in engaging people with this mindset.  "This works for us" is likely the best bet.

[jedikaiti]

For some folks, getting out from under Mom & Dad's roof and truly living on their own is a very important lesson. Not always an easy one, but an important one. Some people seriously chafe (did I spell that right?) if they're trying to become an adult while living with Mom & Dad. In my case, the point was made moot by me ruling out anything within a 1-state radius of my parents. :-) (They encouraged this, and it was definitely the right decision for us all.)

It is not, however, the right decision for everyone, and it sounds like your friends need a swift smack with a clue-by-four as to how boorish their behavior is. I like the previous posters' ideas for explaining to them exactly how far out of line they are, and even the suggestion to take their comments as an offer to pay for it if they prove particularly stubborn. OK, maybe that's a bit snarky, but it could be effective.

[violinp]

Not everyone wants to, or can, live on campus...and that's okay! I would be saying, "What an interesting assumption. Beandip?" so much that I'd go hoarse.