Author Topic: Your son should live on campus  (Read 9288 times)

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peaches

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #15 on: November 05, 2012, 11:56:05 PM »
I would simply say "That subject is closed".

This has the virtue of being true; you aren't soliciting advice, your family has made its decision on the issue.

They may counter with something like "but we're only trying to help," etc. Reply: "As I said, the subject is closed."



Danika

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #16 on: November 06, 2012, 12:04:08 AM »
I think the point is that they're beating a dead horse. It's not their place to keep pushing their opinions on you. They voiced their opinion once. Fine. Friends do that. But they need to drop it because it's none of their business.

I'd say something like "This subject isn't up for debate. Please, drop it."

If there is silence after that, then you can bean-dip and say "Now, who would like some tea?"

But if they counter with "But, you're robbing him of the opportunity to..." or something where they're trying to continue, I'd say "I mean it. We're the parents. We've made the decision. It is not your place to try to convince us otherwise. We're not discussing this." I would never JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) unless you want to get into a debate.

It's not about the matter at hand, it's about the fact that they're sticking their noses in your business and it doesn't matter what the subject is. It's not their place to tell your family how to do things.

Emmy

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #17 on: November 06, 2012, 06:57:45 AM »
Wow!  These friends of yours actually tell you that you should buy a house for your son near campus?  That is way overstepping any boundaries I can think of!

That being said, I can kind of understand where they're coming from.  It's very firmly entrenched in many people's minds that you can only acquire the skills necessary to surviving on your own by actually living independently.  For many young adults, the first time they have a chance to live independently is when they go to college.  So your friends may feel that you are stifling your son, and preventing him from learning skills vital to living in the "real world".  This in no way gives them the right to make these comments to you guys, of course. 

Instead of saying "We made the right decision for us", can you focus on how this is something your son is okay with?  Start saying "Yes, and Son is very glad that he doesn't have to live on campus since he has no desire to do so".  That might be giving out too much information though.

They have the right to their opinions, but they don't have the right to badger the OP about it over and over.  The OP's son had plenty of time to live on his own after college so I don't feel all those arguments about you stifling him or preventing him from living in the 'real world' are valid.  (If he had a job and wanted to move out, but you insisted he stay, that would be a different story).  Just because college is the first time many people live outside their parents home doesn't mean that he will never learn life skills if he chooses to live at home.  Besides, just because a young man or woman lives away from home does not actually mean they are learning life skills, especially if their parents are footing the bill.  Many children move back into their parents homes after college in part due to finances.  The OP's son would be starting his adult life without debt.

As others have said, what is right for one person may not be right for another person.  This decision works for the OP and her family and her friends should accept that and move on.

If they bring it up, I would say what Danika suggested, simply the subject isn't up for debate and not to bring it up again.  Maybe I throw in if it means so much to them, they should put up the money for son's housing.  If they are unwilling to do that, they should drop it forever.

StoutGirl

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #18 on: November 06, 2012, 09:26:43 AM »
Your friends certainly have no business in the matter.

From personal experience, I too commute from home to campus (about 45 minutes as well), although I lived on campus for the first 3 and a half years.  I enjoyed the freedom, but the room mates got on my nerves frequently.  I commuted all last year and it is nice knowing that the loan will be a little smaller because of it.  When I return to my normal campus in the spring, I will be commuting again.  If your son is interested in having a special college experience, I would highly recommend study abroad or exchange opportunities.  Those experiences are far more fun and valuable.

bopper

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #19 on: November 06, 2012, 10:05:18 AM »
"I think there is something to be said for students living on campus so that they can gain some independence, but there is also something to be said for graduating without debt.  We have chosen no debt, but I am sure he would be willing to if you would be willing to fund it.  No?  Well this way works best for us."

wx4caster

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #20 on: November 06, 2012, 10:08:43 AM »
I'd be tempted to say "wow, he will be so excited to hear that you have offered to pay for his room and board"

LOL  That is one temptation I would not be able to resist.  Nobody has the right to tell you how to spend your money.
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Cat-Fu

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #21 on: November 06, 2012, 11:48:57 AM »
I am another who sees where they are coming from. Honestly, you can often get room & board for free for being an RA, so debt isn't really the greatest excuse—I wouldn't even bother using using it.

That said, they are being boors. I'd start getting a little annoyed with them. "Yes, you've said your opinion on this before, but we've made our decision on this—why do you keep badgering us about it??"
“Poetry is a sword of lightning, ever unsheathed, which consumes the scabbard that would contain it.” PBS

Judah

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #22 on: November 06, 2012, 11:51:52 AM »
I am another who sees where they are coming from. Honestly, you can often get room & board for free for being an RA, so debt isn't really the greatest excuse—I wouldn't even bother using using it.

Not at either of the colleges my kids go to, or the one I went to.

OP, this would really annoy the heck out of me.  "Why do you keep bringing this up? DS doesn't want to live on campus, but you seem oddly invested in him doing so. Please stop."
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CreteGirl

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #23 on: November 06, 2012, 11:54:01 AM »
We are fortunate to live in a city with a well respected university.  My son is a junior, and commutes about 45 minutes to get to class.  Because of the in-state tuition rate, we are able to pay for his college education without any loans or student aid.  We can do this because my son lives at home, saving us the cost of student housing.  My husband and I agree that my son should not have to work if he chooses not to, as long as he focuses on school and keeps his grades up.  We are also trying to teach him how to make smart financial decisions.  He graduated with highest distinction from Jr. college, and has no desire to live on campus.

However, some friends of ours think that our son should be living on campus, even going as far as saying we should buy him a house near campus.  They have brought it up several times, and each time we have told them clearly that we have made the right decision for our family. 

Saturday night we met them for dinner, and they once again brought it up, even going as far as to show my son a picture of a girl who is looking for a roommate at the college.  Again we stated that we have made a decision that works for our family.

i am irritated, because I feel like they are overstepping their bounds by trying to change a decision that they have no part of.

Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

 

They showed him a picture of a girl? Why? To entice him to live with her? Do they know her? Could she be a niece or some other relative whom they're trying to help pay for her own apartment?

Yes, I believe they showed him the picture of the girl to entice him to live with her.  I found that especially troublesome, like they were using her as "bait". 

She is not a relative they are trying to help, just someone they know.

Cat-Fu

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #24 on: November 06, 2012, 12:01:30 PM »
I am another who sees where they are coming from. Honestly, you can often get room & board for free for being an RA, so debt isn't really the greatest excuse—I wouldn't even bother using using it.

Not at either of the colleges my kids go to, or the one I went to.


I did say "often," not "always," but TBH it is really unusual for an RA (or the equivalent) to *not* get free room & board. (I worked in college housing for quite a while after college...)
“Poetry is a sword of lightning, ever unsheathed, which consumes the scabbard that would contain it.” PBS

BeagleMommy

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #25 on: November 06, 2012, 12:55:24 PM »
CreteGirl, we are in an identical situation.  DS goes to a small community college about 45 minutes drive from our home.  They do not have dorms.  Students who come from other cities/states/countries find housing off campus.  The tuition is so low that DS will have only minor loans to repay.  He has a part-time job but it doesn't pay enough to afford him the luxury of living on his own.  He pays his cell phone bill and keeps himself in pocket/gas money.

Friends of the family (not close ones) insisted we were doing him a huge disservice by not insisting he live away from home.

Our response was always "our kid, our decision" followed by "oh look, The Beagle has learned to make margaritas" (beandip as appropriate).

EMuir

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #26 on: November 06, 2012, 01:14:17 PM »
In University I was so jealous of my peers whose parents lived nearby so they could live at home! To have meals ready for you, use of the family car possible, and usually a much nicer living situation where they didn't have to deal with partying roomies... plus lower student loans.  What's not to like?


Harriet Jones

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #27 on: November 06, 2012, 01:19:21 PM »
Living on campus can be a lot of fun (and can have other advantages), but not being in debt is also pretty great!  I can't believe someone would suggest *buying* a house for a college student.

TootsNYC

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #28 on: November 06, 2012, 01:31:41 PM »
Living on campus can be a lot of fun (and can have other advantages), but not being in debt is also pretty great!  I can't believe someone would suggest *buying* a house for a college student.

It's the new financial strategy: Buy the house, own it for 4 years, get roommates, and then sell it 4 years later (hopefully at a profit, or at break-even).

Of course, it has other costs, but there are people who've actually made money this way. Of course, they have to HAVE the money in the first place to buy it. And it assumes an ever-rising housing market.

Emmy

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Re: Your son should live on campus
« Reply #29 on: November 06, 2012, 01:50:13 PM »
I am another who sees where they are coming from. Honestly, you can often get room & board for free for being an RA, so debt isn't really the greatest excuse—I wouldn't even bother using using it.

Not at either of the colleges my kids go to, or the one I went to.


I did say "often," not "always," but TBH it is really unusual for an RA (or the equivalent) to *not* get free room & board. (I worked in college housing for quite a while after college...)

RA's on our campus got free room and board too.  However, not everybody is cut out to be an RA or would enjoy that type of job and I am sure there are more people who are interested in the position than jobs available.  It certainly isn't a universal answer for anybody who is worried about room and board costs.

The OP and her family don't wish for the son to live on campus.  She shouldn't have to defend herself or make excuses to people who won't take 'no' for an answer.  It is one thing to have a discussion about it and for each side to give their reasons why they feel the way they do.  It is another thing for the OP's friends to continually push the issue after the OP has made her answer clear.

This argument is similar to many life decision arguements, I'll using having kids as an example.  If your friend is childfree by choice, it would be rude to bring up having kids constantly, insist how she is missing out, and not dropping the subject when she says she is not interested.  There are many wonderful things about having kids, but also many wonderful things about remaining childfree as well.  If your friend made the right choice for herself, it would be rude to talk her out of it because that isn't the choice you made for yourself.  Just like living on campus is right for some people, but choosing to save the money on housing is a better decision for others.