Your son should live on campus

[TootsNYC]

RA's on our campus got free room and board too.  However, not everybody is cut out to be an RA or would enjoy that type of job and I am sure there are more people who are interested in the position than jobs available.  It certainly isn't a universal answer for anybody who is worried about room and board costs.

And, the OP and her family aren't worried about room and board costs--they have them covered. They're using the family home for that.

[Mikayla]

I would ask them directly why they are so insistent on the matter.  Don't let them change the subject after you ask.

The more uncomfortable you make this conversation for them, the less likely they are to ever bring it up again.

This.  But be prepared for them to really end up telling their opinions.  And it could damage your relationship with them for a long time.

I agree with both of you, but on the issue of damaging the friendship, I think it's headed in that direction already.  This is astoundingly intrusive.  If OP asks politely about it, and these other people react inappropriately, I wouldn't particularly care if it soured things. 

Anyway, I'm a huge fan of question-as-response.  It moves the spotlight to the rude person and the response can be intriguing.

[Cat-Fu]

It case it wasn't clear, I brought up the financial benefits of being an RA to point out an argument these friends would likely use if the OP brought up not wanting debt as an excuse.

TBH I don't think the OP should be making any excuses at all—this is a decision that is none of their business!

[jedikaiti]

CreteGirl, we are in an identical situation.  DS goes to a small community college about 45 minutes drive from our home.  They do not have dorms.  Students who come from other cities/states/countries find housing off campus.  The tuition is so low that DS will have only minor loans to repay.  He has a part-time job but it doesn't pay enough to afford him the luxury of living on his own.  He pays his cell phone bill and keeps himself in pocket/gas money.

Friends of the family (not close ones) insisted we were doing him a huge disservice by not insisting he live away from home.

Our response was always "our kid, our decision" followed by "oh look, The Beagle has learned to make margaritas" (beandip as appropriate).

That's even better than "gotta go, cat's on fire"

[Bijou]

We are fortunate to live in a city with a well respected university.  My son is a junior, and commutes about 45 minutes to get to class.  Because of the in-state tuition rate, we are able to pay for his college education without any loans or student aid.  We can do this because my son lives at home, saving us the cost of student housing.  My husband and I agree that my son should not have to work if he chooses not to, as long as he focuses on school and keeps his grades up.  We are also trying to teach him how to make smart financial decisions.  He graduated with highest distinction from Jr. college, and has no desire to live on campus.

However, some friends of ours think that our son should be living on campus, even going as far as saying we should buy him a house near campus.  They have brought it up several times, and each time we have told them clearly that we have made the right decision for our family. 

Saturday night we met them for dinner, and they once again brought it up, even going as far as to show my son a picture of a girl who is looking for a roommate at the college.  Again we stated that we have made a decision that works for our family.

i am irritated, because I feel like they are overstepping their bounds by trying to change a decision that they have no part of.

Am I over reacting?  What should I say next time they bring it up?

 

I wouldn't give them another opportunity to bring it up.  I wouldn't consider them friends of mine if they persisted in interfering in my family business.  I wonder how the girl or her parents would feel about them showing her picture to a stranger in order to tempt him to have her as a roommate.

[TootsNYC]

It really bothers me that they're showing this girl's picture to him.

As if it matters what she *looks* like, as if that would be an appeal to your son if he were looking for a roommate. Isn't that called "procurement" in legal circles?

And it's disrespectful to your son. And to the young lady.

[Diane AKA Traska]

Y'know, if I were going to college, I'd gladly drive an hour each way just to *not* have to live on campus.  I do not like shared living arrangements unless I know the person and like them a LOT.  So far, M is the only person I've shared living arrangements with outside of family... at least, of my own will.

[Texas Mom]

Y'know, if I were going to college, I'd gladly drive an hour each way just to *not* have to live on campus.  I do not like shared living arrangements unless I know the person and like them a LOT.  So far, M is the only person I've shared living arrangements with outside of family... at least, of my own will.

DD got out of the dorm as quickly as she could.  She got tired of being subjected to irresponsible drinking, round robin scrabble and the drama that accompanied it.

OP, tell your friend the topic is not up for discussion.  If they don't respect you enough to drop it, it's time to cut back on the amount of time you spend with them.

[Bijou]

It really bothers me that they're showing this girl's picture to him.

As if it matters what she *looks* like, as if that would be an appeal to your son if he were looking for a roommate. Isn't that called "procurement" in legal circles?

And it's disrespectful to your son. And to the young lady.

My thought, exactly, TootsNYC. 

[aiki]

I am another who sees where they are coming from. Honestly, you can often get room & board for free for being an RA, so debt isn't really the greatest excuse—I wouldn't even bother using using it.

That said, they are being boors. I'd start getting a little annoyed with them. "Yes, you've said your opinion on this before, but we've made our decision on this—why do you keep badgering us about it??"

An RA should have some experience of actually living the dorm lifestyle before being expected to supervise others doing so.

[Redsoil]

"Yes, we're well aware of your opinion.  You seem to be inferring that you know what's best for someone else's child, but I'm sure you don't mean it to come across that way."

Hopefully, they'll never bring it up again, after trying to backtrack their way out of it.  Cut off the backtrackiing with major amounts of beandip.

[scotcat60]

It really bothers me that they're showing this girl's picture to him.

Does you son have a girlfriend? They may feel that they are introducing him to a girl who will be, as some people think that others should have a partner, without thinking that the best way for some is to make thier own choices. It would bother me too. I heard of a case where a well meaning relative introduced a girl to a young man on the grounds that she was new in town, and needed friends. She ended up concentrating on him rather than on her studies, got pregnant, left college, and the relationship broke up.

(edited to add that I'm sure your son will behave responsibly)

[LeeLieLow]

As a college student, I lived on campus and found it to be a wonderful opportunity to make life long friends, be semi independant and have fun.  I would recommend living on campus to a college student.  Then I would respect their decision/opinion regarding their living arrangements and finances.  Tell friends to myob.

[lady_disdain]

From what I have heard from friends and read here on Ehell, I have serious doubts that living in a college dorm is the only (or even the best) way to become an independent adult. It may be great for some, ok for others and not work at all for some. The friends have expressed their opinion and should now shut up about it.

However, at this point, I do not think it is as easy as saying "we are the parents, we have decided", as previous posters have said. I assume that a college kid is over 18 and, therefore, can make his own choice, including getting massive amounts of debt. Making it all the parents' decision would seem to indicate that your son isn't being allowed to function as an adult, which would be fuel for the comments. Something as simple as "We have all talked about it and Son is comfortable with his decision" may be better.

[yokozbornak]

I am another who sees where they are coming from. Honestly, you can often get room & board for free for being an RA, so debt isn't really the greatest excuse—I wouldn't even bother using using it.

Not at either of the colleges my kids go to, or the one I went to.

I did say "often," not "always," but TBH it is really unusual for an RA (or the equivalent) to *not* get free room & board. (I worked in college housing for quite a while after college...)

I was an RA in school, and it was considered a work study job.  Evey school is different.  Also, my school wouldn't allow you to be an RA until your senior year so even if it did cover room and board, there will still other years that I would have been responsible for.

OP, I think your son's choice to live at home to avoid debt is very wise, and I think you need to tell your friends that they need to mind their own business and that the topic is not up for discussion.  I speak as someone whose college debt was all from my room and board.  I had planned to live at home and communte to avoid loans, but my parents basically kicked me out and let me know I was on my own.  I loved living on my own even though I didn't have two nickels to run together, but I would rather have had parents who cared about my well-being and my future.  Your son is blessed to have parents who are helping him see the big picture and how decisions he makes now will affect him for the rest of his life.