Author Topic: "Please don't stand up for me" (UPDATE p2)  (Read 6559 times)

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Optimoose Prime

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Re: "Please don't stand up for me"
« Reply #15 on: November 08, 2012, 06:58:26 PM »
My birthday is next month and if any of you want an invite you have to contribute to my new car.  >:D

Melle

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Re: "Please don't stand up for me"
« Reply #16 on: November 09, 2012, 02:54:35 AM »
I agree with everyone's opinion that it would not be right for Angela to cause a scene at Paul's birthday party.

It's in December btw; Deetee was probably referring to Betsy's party, which is tomorrow night - Angela had already sent her regrets for that one before she even knew I wasn't invited, so that's not the parade she's determined to rain on.

I'll see Angela in person before Paul's party and I'll try to mollify her then, probably using some of your very useful replies :) thanks again!

But I doubt I can get her to not say anything at all if she's got her mind set on it already. She's very stubborn and won't listen to anybody, not even me, if she's convinced she's right :/

TootsNYC

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Re: "Please don't stand up for me"
« Reply #17 on: November 09, 2012, 09:04:06 AM »
Maybe she'll listen if you don't frame it as "you're wrong" but more as "I am your friend. You care about me, right? And as a favor to me, I am asking you to drop this. Because *I* will suffer from the fallout. I understand how mad you are, but if you care about me, please do as I ask. For me."

Melle

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Re: "Please don't stand up for me"
« Reply #18 on: November 24, 2012, 09:34:34 AM »
Hello everybody, I have an update for you.

First, I have to add a little bit to the back story:
Angela, Betsy, Paul and I used to live fairly close to each other.
Betsy and Paul have since moved a considerable distance away but usually celebrate their birthdays and other occasions at their relatives' house, back where we all used to live.
I moved to another city, a 3 1/2 hour train ride away, last year.

When Betsy announced Paul's birthday party to Angela last summer, I was in hearing distance, and she was addressing everyone close by asking them to save the date, so I had reason to think that applied for me as well. I immediately arranged with Angela and her husband (who should get a name, too, having been mentioned so often by now: let's call him Thomas) that I'd stay at their home for the whole weekend since we're eager for any opportunity to meet up and spend time together.

The announced date for Paul's party is in two weeks. So far, neither Angela nor Thomas, who happens to be an old friend of Paul's, have received an invitation - despite having already paid for Paul's birthday present; we don't know whether anybody else in that circle of friends has received one, there has been radio silence as to whether the party will actually take place or not.

However, a week ago Betsy posted a picture of the present she collected contributions for, and already bought, on facebook.
And Paul went right ahead and liked it.
I think at this point there is little doubt left about Betsy and Paul's materialism and I suspect that you agree with me that this was quite a tacky thing to do.

All this is not exactly supporting my case of keeping Angela from going ballistic in Betsy's face. But I have said my lines, that if she must have it, I'd rather she keep the encounter away from the party guests. I also asked Angela if she didn't care what our other friends thought about her ruining somebody's party and she said no, at this point, she didn't. There had been other presumptious things Betsy did before that aggravated Angela and this latest issue is kind of a "last straw" for her.
But she grudgingly agreed that this was a conversation better suited for four eyes and closed doors.

She is, however, adamant that she will not keep it a secret that, while they are all celebrating, I'll be alone at Angela's home, and that she and her husband will spend no longer than 2 hours at the party and then excuse themselves to keep me company.

At this point, I'm not sure I want to object (even though I have no trouble spending hours on end alone at Angela's: I adore her parakeets and she has quite an extensive library ;)).
Should I?

What's your take, especially since all this is just assuming Angela will be invited at all - and that I won't?

bloo

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Re: "Please don't stand up for me"
« Reply #19 on: November 24, 2012, 09:47:20 AM »

All this is not exactly supporting my case of keeping Angela from going ballistic in Betsy's face. But I have said my lines, that if she must have it, I'd rather she keep the encounter away from the party guests. I also asked Angela if she didn't care what our other friends thought about her ruining somebody's party and she said no, at this point, she didn't. There had been other presumptious things Betsy did before that aggravated Angela and this latest issue is kind of a "last straw" for her.
But she grudgingly agreed that this was a conversation better suited for four eyes and closed doors.

She is, however, adamant that she will not keep it a secret that, while they are all celebrating, I'll be alone at Angela's home, and that she and her husband will spend no longer than 2 hours at the party and then excuse themselves to keep me company.

At this point, I'm not sure I want to object (even though I have no trouble spending hours on end alone at Angela's: I adore her parakeets and she has quite an extensive library ;)).
Should I?

What's your take, especially since all this is just assuming Angela will be invited at all - and that I won't?

Per the bolded would be the best reason, for your sake and Angela's, of why she shouldn't create a scene. It WILL make Angela look bad, in my opinion.

In your circle of friends it may well be possible that persons may wonder 'Where is Melle?' There is nothing wrong with Angela answering honestly:

'Actually Melle is staying with me but she wasn't invited so if I leave early, it's not personal - I just have to get back to my guest.'

I'd have no problem making it clear to Betsy, when we we're alone, that I - and Melle - would have good reason to believe that Melle was going to be invited to this party and had even made arrangements for that to be possible. And while Betsy is free to ultimately invite whomever she wants, it was hurtful to give people an impression that they'd be invited, then not invite them. And under those circumstances, I'd be cutting my time at the party short since I've a dear guest at home I don't want to leave for long.

If Angela didn't contribute money to the present, well who knows, maybe she won't be invited either and then this all becomes a non-issue for all of you and you can just enjoy your weekend with no distractions.

I did suspect that Angela was angry at Betsy about a lot of things. I honestly think the better option is for neither of you to attend no matter who's invited and make plans for yourselves and make a pact to not even mention Betsy and to enjoy yourselves! Best wishes and thanks so much for updating. I hope everything goes okay no matter what you decide.

Shoo

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Re: "Please don't stand up for me" (UPDATE p2)
« Reply #20 on: November 24, 2012, 12:45:48 PM »
At this point, I think Angela should just call Betsy up on the phone and ask her why you haven't been invited yet.  For that matter, ask her why SHE hasn't been invited yet.  All this talking about it isn't doing anybody any good.  If Angela does get invited and carries through with her plan, relations are going to be strained anyway, so why not just find out NOW what's going on and get it out in the open?

Normally I wouldn't advise that someone (Angela) stick her nose in the situation (your non-invitation), but she seems determined to do so anyway, so I think she needs to just get on with it and do it right now.

gramma dishes

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Re: "Please don't stand up for me"
« Reply #21 on: November 24, 2012, 01:33:08 PM »
Maybe she'll listen if you don't frame it as "you're wrong" but more as "I am your friend. You care about me, right? And as a favor to me, I am asking you to drop this. Because *I* will suffer from the fallout. I understand how mad you are, but if you care about me, please do as I ask. For me."

Yes, this.  I think Toots' wording is perfect.

I think this might be the best way to handle it.  If Angela wants to confront Betsy, you probably can't stop her, but maybe you can at least persuade her to do it privately and not during the party.  Toots is right.  If she loves you so much and is so protective of you, she wouldn't want to make you look bad, especially since you really don't FEEL all that bad about not having been invited. 

Had your feelings been absolutely crushed by the fact that you weren't included on the guest list, a confrontation (still in private though) might have been okay, but certainly not during the party - any party - ever!