Author Topic: Need a reply ready  (Read 1179 times)

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shostet

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Need a reply ready
« on: November 06, 2012, 03:17:35 PM »
I am part of a group of friends who have known each other for years and years.  There are six of us, one who lives out of state from the rest of us.  All of us (me first) reached a milestone birthday this year.  For my birthday, I organized a trip to Mexico and all 6 of us went (each paying her own way).  We have not done specific things for the other birthdays.  Next week, the last of the group will hit the milestone and it was her choice to travel by train to nearby city for a weekend of girl fun, shopping, etc.  Four of us are going.

The out-of-state friend was not invited, but only because she does live so far away and she will also be visiting hometown the following weekend for a family event (at which we will also celebrate her milestone birthday).  The other who was not invited was not invited for a number of reasons--no reciprocation of invites for anything, abusing pool privileges at the house of another friend leading to friction, health problems that would prohibit her from doing the amount of walking that we will be doing, but to be honest, the main reason is that she no longer fits in well with the group and none of us particularly wanted to include her.  I don't know how to say that any other way.  While it was not my decision to make, I supported the decision on not inviting her along. 

I am sure she will find out that we went and may possibly ask why she was not invited.  How do I answer that if she asks me specifically?   Is this a case for bean dipping?

WillyNilly

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Re: Need a reply ready
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2012, 03:25:12 PM »
Well I think in this case yes you can beandip, since its not your plans or your birthday and therefore the guest list wasn't up to you.

But I think in the long run, you are going to have to answer her at some point about why she's being cut from the group, if she's the type to ask instead of take the hint.  At which point I suggest very gently saying "do you really want to know?' and if she says "yes" tell her the truth.  Pretty much what you wrote here, that she's no longer a good fit for everyone, there have been some instance where her behavior came across as abusing privileges and caused friction, and just in general you feel as though you've grown apart.

If she tries to fight you on it, like she starts to justify the pool situation, you can calmly turn it back on her "you see?  This right here is an example.  You just don't see it the same as we do.  We are all in agreement except for you.  That doesn't make you a bad person, but it does make you a bad choice of friend for me, and maybe for the others."

Kaypeep

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Re: Need a reply ready
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2012, 03:35:01 PM »
These aren't your events so if she asks you why she wasn't invited you can say "I didn't arrange these plans, so I can't answer that."

Cat-Fu

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Re: Need a reply ready
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2012, 05:02:09 PM »
These aren't your events so if she asks you why she wasn't invited you can say "I didn't arrange these plans, so I can't answer that."

I completely agree.
“Poetry is a sword of lightning, ever unsheathed, which consumes the scabbard that would contain it.” PBS

SleepyKitty

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Re: Need a reply ready
« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2012, 05:19:11 PM »
I'm torn. On the one hand, I agree with WillyNilly. Except in extreme cases, I think people should be up-front about problems as soon as they come up. For example, did anyone frankly tell this woman she was abusing her privileges and that it was causing resentment/tension? Has anyone told her that not reciprocating invites makes people want to stop inviting her? Note, I wouldn't do this with an acquaintance. But someone who has been a friend for years and years? She needs to know when she's doing something that's causing her to lose friends. And if no one has given her the chance to change, just quietly fumed about it, then I think she deserves to know what people have been thinking.

On the other hand - this isn't your event. It isn't your place to tell her why someone else didn't invite her, it's up to the person who didn't invite her.

So, I suggest a combination of the two. Say something like, "Listen, you have to ask Sally directly why she didn't invite you. I don't want to speak for her."

And then, in a different conversation, talk to her about the problems that you've been having with her. It doesn't seem fair that she never reciprocates, it doesn't seem she's a good fit with you anymore. That way, when it is your turn to host, she already knows why she's not invited and she won't put someone else in the uncomfortable position of having to fact this same dilemma.

Drawberry

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Re: Need a reply ready
« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2012, 07:02:39 PM »
In Boyfriends group of friends (and I suppose mine now as well, I am just not familiar with everyone he knows so it's mostly a small group of them I am friends with)there is one fellow that rubs everyone the wrong way. This is the guy I wrote a thread about many months back who set up a charity fund event for himself on facebook in which he asked for friends to join the event and pay him to do a 24 run of a video game to be released in the coming months. (For an update on that one, it never happened and has never been heard of since) In particular the older sister of one friend really has taking a great disliking to him for multiple reasons like his mooching, treatment of women (he can be very inappropriate, including telling everyone he's going to 'turn' a lesbian friend of ours..), and other incidences that have led to her outright hating him. Other friends where invited to her wedding, he was not. She cannot stand to be in the same room as him and he's never done anything to try and be courteous or apologetic to her.

So this is why when her brother, Boyfriends buddy since middle school, or his live-in girlfriend have an event in which the sister is invited they do not invite guy friend as well. It keeps everything much more pleasant and no issues arise with him being snarky or unpleasant because she's there.

The general rule of thumb is to just not mention anything went on and he doesn't find out, or he knows and just pouts around for a day then acts like nothing ever happened and never brings it up again.

There have been times Boyfriend and I where questioned if something went on and we honestly say yes, and he ask's why he wasn't invited and since these events are not organized by us it's usually something to the effect of "So and so just asked us to meet up with them, that's all". The difference with guy friend is that he KNOWS several folks are not the fondest of him so he can generally take the hint.

That said, I don't think it's your place to talk for all your friends. If this girl asks you personally you are free to answer her honestly on your own behalf but do not extend that to others. You don't have to be rude or mean in your honesty but you could simply say "I am sorry I didn't think we where particularly close, I thought you might enjoy time with friends your closer with then myself".

If she asks why you seem to not care for her much that again is up to you how honest you want to be.

"Well I thought it was a bit rude that you kind of showed up at So and So's home to use her pool while she was gone, and you don't seem to really invite me out to anything you do so I assumed we weren't very close"

She may not have realized she had trespassed rudely and you may find she apologizes genuinely and makes a new effort to include your group in her own activities. If you have an issue with someone I always prefer telling them as gently as possible rather then stewing in passive aggression. This girl may genuinely have no clue she's offended people and snubbing her because no one wants to approach the subject with her is going to end up hurtful and leaving her confused on what she did wrong.

If someone tells her that it was really rude of her to do X or Y act and she's unaware of this I think it's only fair to allow her a chance to make amends or at least amiably leave the group without a lot of hurt or confusion.