Author Topic: Do you speak?  (Read 10229 times)

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Roe

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #15 on: November 06, 2012, 04:51:27 PM »
I have to say while I knew them as vocabulary words, I never other then eHell have heard people refer to "introverts" and "extroverts" and it always chafes me on eHell, as I find their usage somewhat obnoxious.  The usage of the words implies some sort of pleasure or something in reference to speaking or not speaking a lot.


That's not what the words mean at all. Wikipedia has a fairly simplistic definition of the terms which may help you understand them better. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion

Just because they are not common in your life doesn't mean they aren't valid terms describing perfectly valid personality types.

The rest of your post also had nothing to do with what introverts and extroverts actually are.  I'm a classic introvert - I prefer to spend my time relaxing quietly or with a few friends, but that doesn't mean I can't or won't socialize in larger groups when the occasion calls for it.  Your entire post was really dismissive, and not a single trait you ascribed to introverts was accurate - those were all traits of *rude* people.

Well my point was I think when someone with whom you have established contact with asks a direct question and you "...takes [your] time and processes their information/question before answering" is rude.  I mean one needn't answer fully immediately but to not even acknowledge being spoken to, is IMO, rude.

I suppose the word "tour guide" gave you that impression but we did not know this person.  This was the person standing next to the exhibit to answer questions.  I used tour guide for simplicity sake.  I don't know their job description. 

MayHug

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #16 on: November 06, 2012, 04:56:43 PM »
My grandson is autistic and virtually non-verbal. If someone asked him a question I would step in, but what if I were distracted and didn't hear it? Someone saying to him "do you speak?" would be so beyond hurtful and rude . :-(

WillyNilly

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #17 on: November 06, 2012, 04:57:26 PM »
I suppose the word "tour guide" gave you that impression but we did not know this person.  This was the person standing next to the exhibit to answer questions.  I used tour guide for simplicity sake.  I don't know their job description.

Yes.  To me the usage of the title "tour guide" implies to me this person introduced themselves earlier and had established (or at least attempted to establish) at least minimal rapport with you and your son, and that they had been or would be with you for a stretch of time longer then just one exhibit.

Cat-Fu

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #18 on: November 06, 2012, 04:58:14 PM »
It's very common for kids to have overactive "stranger danger," so this tour guide/docent/what-have-you is in for a world of frustration if she continues badgering kids so rudely for answers.

I think you were perfectly fine in your reaction—anything stronger and it might have been on the rude side.
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Moray

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #19 on: November 06, 2012, 05:00:33 PM »
Go ahead and take apart my words all you want. I'm not going to argue.  Too tired for that.

However, what I'd like is advice on what I can do in the event this happens again?

Thanks to anyone who is willing to give advice!

Well, what you can do is pleasantly say "He's pretty reserved" or "Oh, he must not have heard you". You can also choose to gently prompt your son to respond if he has not heard the initial question. No further action is required, nor would it be appropriate.

It is not out of line for a tour guide to ask a question of a tour participant, and although her tone during her follow-up question may have been a little brusk, there really isn't anything to be gained from zeroing in it.
Utah

Take2

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #20 on: November 06, 2012, 05:17:32 PM »
I think that a parent has an obligation to smooth social interactions while a child is learning. As such, I would say to my child "the tour guide asked you a question," as a prompt to reply. If my child looked sheepish, I would ask if he needed the question repeated and help him ask if needed. Then if he was older than 6, I would probably remind him that it is polite to acknowledge when someone speaks...but I would wait until we were alone to do so.

doodlemor

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #21 on: November 06, 2012, 05:18:46 PM »
The tour guide was rude and out of line.  There could be many valid reasons why a child [or adult] might not immediately answer a question or add a comment. 

I like amylouky's answer for the future. 

Do not speak to my child that way!

Or......You may not presume to speak to my child in such a manner.


sourwolf

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #22 on: November 06, 2012, 05:21:34 PM »
I have to say while I knew them as vocabulary words, I never other then eHell have heard people refer to "introverts" and "extroverts" and it always chafes me on eHell, as I find their usage somewhat obnoxious.  The usage of the words implies some sort of pleasure or something in reference to speaking or not speaking a lot.


That's not what the words mean at all. Wikipedia has a fairly simplistic definition of the terms which may help you understand them better. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion

Just because they are not common in your life doesn't mean they aren't valid terms describing perfectly valid personality types.

The rest of your post also had nothing to do with what introverts and extroverts actually are.  I'm a classic introvert - I prefer to spend my time relaxing quietly or with a few friends, but that doesn't mean I can't or won't socialize in larger groups when the occasion calls for it.  Your entire post was really dismissive, and not a single trait you ascribed to introverts was accurate - those were all traits of *rude* people.

Well my point was I think when someone with whom you have established contact with asks a direct question and you "...takes [your] time and processes their information/question before answering" is rude.  I mean one needn't answer fully immediately but to not even acknowledge being spoken to, is IMO, rude.
That's not at all what you said though.  You made a number of nasty comments about introverts when it's clear you don't know what you are talking about.  It's ok to not know things, but it's not ok to say that you have only heard about something on E-hell and then spend the next couple of paragraphs disparaging it.

Jones

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #23 on: November 06, 2012, 05:25:03 PM »
"Guide" was rude.

As a side note, how did the "guide" know that she was interacting with someone who:
Wasn't deaf
Wasn't autistic
Spoke English
Didn't stutter
Hadn't been overtaught "stranger danger" or experienced said danger in person
Other_____

I just don't see any positive spin on the phrase "Do you speak?" when a person doesn't immediately reply to a query.

rose red

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #24 on: November 06, 2012, 05:27:37 PM »
The guide did not ask the question in a friendly tone but rather in an accusatory and rude tone, which upset me.

Rude.  She doesn't know if he can speak, can't speak, can't hear, etc.  You don't follow up with a rude tone and "Can you hear?!" just because someone (child or adult) doesn't answer right away.  How hard is it to say "Excuse me.  Perhaps you didn't hear, but I asked..."

CakeBeret

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #25 on: November 06, 2012, 05:29:22 PM »
I feel for the OP's son. If I'm out in public and someone speaks to me unexpectedly, it does take me some time to (a) realize they've spoken to me, and (b) process what they've said. If I'm not expecting someone to speak to me or looking at them, I may not notice that they've spoken to me, and thus I will not be able to process right away what's been said. It's embarrassing, and I would have been incredibly uncomfortable to be asked "Do you speak?"

And I think that giving the term introvert can provide important context.

Roe, I think you should teach your son to give some sort of acknowledgment that he heard the speaker while he formulates his response. It's really helpful in these sort of situations. Even eye contact and a faint "Hmm..." will buy him some time.

I think the guide was incredibly rude, but I don't know what you could have said about it.
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WillyNilly

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #26 on: November 06, 2012, 05:29:47 PM »
What number of nasty things did I say about introverts?  I simply don't think its a valid excuse to not answer direct questions.  That's my opinion about all humans.  The OP implied that it was because the child is an introvert that he didn't answer (it apparently was not the case, but that how its was presented).  I thought rude behavior was being hidden behind the word introvert.

I think in most social situations it doesn't matter if you are introverted or extroverted - there are certain behaviors one should be able to participate in.  Of course one should, to the greatest extent possible tailor their social interactions around their comfort level, but in cases where they can't control the situation, they should be able to adjust themselves appropriately and not engage in antisocial or rude behavior and then explain it as being introverted or extroverted.

Tabby Uprising

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #27 on: November 06, 2012, 05:30:39 PM »
I think that a parent has an obligation to smooth social interactions while a child is learning. As such, I would say to my child "the tour guide asked you a question," as a prompt to reply. If my child looked sheepish, I would ask if he needed the question repeated and help him ask if needed. Then if he was older than 6, I would probably remind him that it is polite to acknowledge when someone speaks...but I would wait until we were alone to do so.

I think this is fine if the guide hadn't followed up with "do you speak".  Once the rudeness has been delivered, I wouldn't respond with retaliatory rudeness of course, but I wouldn't gloss over it either.

sourwolf

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #28 on: November 06, 2012, 05:31:27 PM »
What number of nasty things did I say about introverts?  I simply don't think its a valid excuse to not answer direct questions.  That's my opinion about all humans.  The OP implied that it was because the child is an introvert that he didn't answer (it apparently was not the case, but that how its was presented).  I thought rude behavior was being hidden behind the word introvert.

I think in most social situations it doesn't matter if you are introverted or extroverted - there are certain behaviors one should be able to participate in.  Of course one should, to the greatest extent possible tailor their social interactions around their comfort level, but in cases where they can't control the situation, they should be able to adjust themselves appropriately and not engage in antisocial or rude behavior and then explain it as being introverted or extroverted.

Please go look at those definitions.  You seem to be basing your replies on the idea that introverts are these rude people who refuse to socialize and that's quite simply not the case. 

Sharnita

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Re: Do you speak?
« Reply #29 on: November 06, 2012, 05:32:00 PM »
I guess the question of what to do depends on what exactly was happening.  If he didn't realize he was being spoken to then I would discuss with him what happened and the fact that the woman was rude but that he can say something in the future like "I'm sorry. were you talking to me?" There will be times in the future he can use that with somebody who hasn't been rude.

If he was shy or uncomfortable speaking up then you might discuss things you can say or other strategies you can use - either to help him feel more comfortable or for him to cue you to step in.  If anybody speaks to you or him like this I might respond "He is just fine, thank you for your concern"