Author Topic: When dinner is significantly delayed...  (Read 23435 times)

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bloo

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #90 on: November 08, 2012, 09:49:00 AM »
I'm sorry - but barring the $ aspect (which when someone invites me to dinner, I expect, be it food, wine or flowers),, this just seems like different parenting styles.

Promising to have dinner ready by 6:30pm and then for it not to be ready until 9pm has absolutely nothing to do with parenting styles. The tired child is a red herring - we might just as easily have a situation where the OP was diabetic. At the end of the day, the host promised something and then failed to deliver. That in itself is rude.

Agreed with MariaE, this has nothing to do with parenting styles. Rude no matter what the situation might have been that dictated that OP leave by 8 or eat by 6-7pm.

And mindicherry, I agree with the PP's that say you were lucky. One of my kids could sleep anywhere, the other couldn't.

And it wasn't for lack of trying.

CakeBeret

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #91 on: November 08, 2012, 10:38:14 AM »
I have 3 kids..and all 3 of them can fall asleep at the drop of a dime,  This is not because they had a specific nap time or bed time.  If I was invited to something at the approximate time they needed to go to bed, I gave a heads-up that I may be in another room rocking them to sleep...or they may just have fallen asleep on the sofa in the house. I honestly have little patience for parents who insist on a schedule and get mad at the world when they are not willing to bow to that schedule.

I absolutely and unequivocally do not expect anyone "to bow to that schedule." It is a decision that DH and I made and uphold, and our problem to deal with. We have never asked anyone to change their plans to fit our schedule. I did not ask Annie to move dinner time. We declined the invitation; it was her choice to reissue it for an earlier time. Yes, I mold my schedule around my child's bedtime, but I do not ask anyone else to do the same.

You are extraordinarily blessed to have children who are so easily put to sleep. My son goes to sleep wonderfully in his own bed, but he is going through a phase right now and does not sleep well anywhere else. And getting him to sleep without dinner? Not going to happen.
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citadelle

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #92 on: November 08, 2012, 10:46:44 AM »
Just wondering, did you enjoy their company otherwise? Were the conversation and interactions fun and interesting for you? If so, maybe it is just a quirk that dinner was not served in time, and you'd be able to socialize with this couple knowing that even though the food may not be forthcoming, the company is still good! If not, maybe it isn't even about the late dinner as much as it is that you and Amy just do not get along.

CakeBeret

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #93 on: November 08, 2012, 10:51:45 AM »
Just wondering, did you enjoy their company otherwise? Were the conversation and interactions fun and interesting for you? If so, maybe it is just a quirk that dinner was not served in time, and you'd be able to socialize with this couple knowing that even though the food may not be forthcoming, the company is still good! If not, maybe it isn't even about the late dinner as much as it is that you and Amy just do not get along.

I got to converse minimally with Joe, and not at all with Annie. DH and I spent most of the time entertaining our son and Annie's toddler. So no, it was not really enjoyable socializing.
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Bexx27

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #94 on: November 08, 2012, 11:03:21 AM »
I'm sorry - but barring the $ aspect (which when someone invites me to dinner, I expect, be it food, wine or flowers),, this just seems like different parenting styles.

I have 3 kids..and all 3 of them can fall asleep at the drop of a dime,  This is not because they had a specific nap time or bed time.  If I was invited to something at the approximate time they needed to go to bed, I gave a heads-up that I may be in another room rocking them to sleep...or they may just have fallen asleep on the sofa in the house. I honestly have little patience for parents who insist on a schedule and get mad at the world when they are not willing to bow to that schedule.

You left - that was your choice.  My children would have just fallen asleep on the sofa and then I would have just transferred them from house to car to bed.  i know that other people would say "my kids would NEVER have slept through them coming home, being transferred from a car seat to a bed, etc".  Well - maybe because you never tried it,  My kids could always do it!

What an interesting assumption.

First, as several PPs have pointed out, the fact that the child was the reason for needing to leave by a certain time doesn't actually matter. The point is that they needed to leave by a certain time. They did not expect the host to accommodate them -- they simply declined the invitation that didn't suit their schedule. The host chose to change the time so they could attend, but didn't stick to the terms of her invitation. Maybe the delay wasn't intentional on Annie's part (although it probably was), but she was perfectly aware that CakeBeret needed to leave at 8 and she's wrong to hold it against CakeBeret for sticking to that. I suspect that a) Annie didn't really want CakeBeret there, and b) Annie is one of those smug parents who think that their kids' naturally easy dispositions are due to their superior parenting and everyone else is just not trying hard enough.
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RingTailedLemur

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #95 on: November 08, 2012, 11:09:44 AM »
It really does sound like a power play, CB.  You didn't make your child's bedtime this woman's problem because you graciously declined her invitation because it was at a time you could not make. She offered to change the time for you and then stuck to her original plans.

TootsNYC

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #96 on: November 08, 2012, 11:11:02 AM »
Hello - I'm new here although I've read for a while, so I hope it's OK to steam in on this.

I think Annie was probably a bit rude, maybe a bit passive aggressive and certainly badly organized.

However, I also think it's rude to turn up for a 6.30 dinner then eat and run, which is pretty much what you'd have had to do to get your son home for bed at 8. What time did you arrive?

I've read a lot of threads here about dinner parties and it seems to me that it's more about the food than the socializing, which I find a bit... odd. I do think it's rude to eat and run like that - it says 'I'm only here for the food' to me.

If dinner were ready at 6:30, there would have been plenty of time for socializing during and afterward.  And besides, that was the agreement going into it.  The hosts knew the OP had a deadline.

The OP also would have been willing to put her child to bed at 8:30.

Also, one reason the child was getting cranky is that he was hungry.

I had easy kids, always. Both of them. I knew how incredibly lucky I was. Sure, I stretched things, and it's true that if you don't try, you'll never know if your kid is "elastic" enough. But I don't believe that every parents whose kids need a rigid schedule is someone who has never challenged their kid.

rose red

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #97 on: November 08, 2012, 11:13:49 AM »
I agree it doesn't matter why the guest has to leave at 8pm.  You do not change the time, promise dinner at 6:30, and then not serve until 9pm.  You don't do that without an explanation even if nobody has to leave.  I can see around a 30 minute delay, but almost 3 hours?  No.  Just no.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #98 on: November 08, 2012, 11:16:40 AM »
I remember a thread from about a year ago where the OP suffered from acid reflux.  Her doctor had told her to not eat after 9 pm.  And yet, although she had warned her mother and stepfather several times about this, it seemed that every time they went out to dinner, the parents would have this and that happen ("Listen to this CD!"  "Let's just order drinks and talk first before we even look at the menu.") such that the food wasn't even being served until 9 pm.

This is the same situation.  The OP needs to have their meal served by a certain time, and although the other party agrees, they manage to sabotage the effort and push the meal back to their preferred time.  It was rude then, and it is rude now.
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TomatoBunny

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #99 on: November 08, 2012, 12:29:35 PM »
I got to converse minimally with Joe, and not at all with Annie. DH and I spent most of the time entertaining our son and Annie's toddler. So no, it was not really enjoyable socializing.

This makes it sound like you and your husband were essentially babysitters.  :-\

Since Joe apparently wasn't socializing with you and your husband, was he mostly in the kitchen with Annie?

bopper

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #100 on: November 08, 2012, 12:51:03 PM »
I wonder if to her "come over for dinner at 6:30"  meant "I will start dinner at 6:30" and for you it means "eat dinner at 6:30".

Maybe it is bordering on rude to leave, but on the other hand, you are the one who has to deal with a cranky toddler the next day, not them.
And how can they complain because you want your son to be in bed by 8:00 and aren't that flexible, but they were equally not flexible in wanting to eat when they wanted to eat.

EmmaJ.

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #101 on: November 08, 2012, 01:23:09 PM »
I think Annie knew exactly what she was doing.  Moreover, I think she planned to do exactly that.  When she did not come out to say goodbye to you, that proved it to me.  A clueless, unorganized person would have rushed out to apologize for the delay. 

I'd tread carefully around her in the future.  I don't think I'd ever call her on it, but would certainly refuse any future invitations.


artk2002

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #102 on: November 08, 2012, 01:27:44 PM »
I wonder if to her "come over for dinner at 6:30"  meant "I will start dinner at 6:30" and for you it means "eat dinner at 6:30".

Maybe it is bordering on rude to leave, but on the other hand, you are the one who has to deal with a cranky toddler the next day, not them.
And how can they complain because you want your son to be in bed by 8:00 and aren't that flexible, but they were equally not flexible in wanting to eat when they wanted to eat.

Although there can be a lot of leeway between the invitation time and the actual serving time -- we've had many, many threads on that -- I think that 2.5 hours is rude without a specific heads-up. If Annie meant "come at 6:30 for dinner at 9:00," she was obligated to say so, especially since the OP told her that she had a hard stop and Annie agreed to move the dinner time because of that.

I don't think that it was at all rude to leave. OP was given a set of parameters before the event and the event was changed arbitrarily. An invitation is not a summons, nor is it a prison sentence. OP wasn't obligated to stay as a prisoner of etiquette.
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Luci

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #103 on: November 08, 2012, 01:42:28 PM »
As adults without young children to take care of, we have left twice.

Once dinner was scheduled for a certain time, was very, very late. We had told the hostess that we had to leave at a certain time because of an uncle's funeral. She said fine. As I remember, I did help with the prep and serving, Lucas and I gulped down a serving of meat and a dinner roll, and left on time. I didn't do any cleanup.

The look on their faces was priceless. We did get to the funeral on time, and had a good meal afterwards. All interactions with them have been a little better scheduled since then, even when it didn't matter.

The second time was after a cousin's funeral. Oddly, there was no meal afterwards - which might be the norm in some places - so we were invited to the other cousin's house for supper. No plans were made. They wandered around for a while trying to decide whether to go to the seafood place  or run out for Chinese and a couple of other options. After an hour of no decisions, we just thanked them, gave our condolences one more time, and left. We had an 8 hour drive. Burger King never looked so good!

So, yeah, hungry adults get cranky, too. In CakeBeret's case, her focus in on the child,

Decimus

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Re: When dinner is significantly delayed...
« Reply #104 on: November 08, 2012, 02:50:23 PM »
I will agree that the child is a red herring.

It doesn't matter whether it was the child's bed time, acid reflux, or that they had something else to do that required they leave at a fixed time (say, a scheduled flight).  "Come over at 6:30 for dinner" could mean "come over at 6:30 and we'll socialize and then eat later," yes.  But here there was a fixed end time.  If the hosts had socialized and then served dinner at 7:30 it would be 'borderline' but, if the food only takes a half-hour to eat, just barely borderline.

The hostess did not start PREPARING the food until 7:30 -- this I feel indicates deliberate rudeness.  Even heating up a frozen pizza in the oven takes 15 minutes!  That, I feel, is the key.

I understand why OP's husband did not depart but I feel it does set a bad precedent in that the hostess will take it as "If I drag my feet enough I'll never need to feed that woman I dislike and my SO can keep his friend."