When dinner is significantly delayed...

[CakeBeret]

BG: We have a 2.5yo son who, like me, thrives on routine, and a consistent bedtime is key for him to be compliant and not cranky. We are still somewhat flexible--we shoot for 8pm bedtime but it's not a big deal if it's closer to 8:30 before he gets to bed.

DH's best friend Joe has a new-ish girlfriend Annie. We were invited to Annie's home for dinner at 8pm, and DH told her he was sorry but we couldn't come over that late, as 8pm is DS's bedtime. We've spent enough time around Annie and Joe that they are pretty aware that we stick to bedtime pretty closely. So Annie said no problem, we could have dinner at 6:30 instead. That would give us ample time to eat, visit, and get DS home in time for bed.

So we get to Annie's house and she's prepping the food. Son and I play with Annie's toddler, and we wait. And wait. Son starts getting cranky from hunger, so my husband got him a snack. And we waited more.

By 7:30, Annie had the food prepped but had not even begun cooking. I decided that Son and I were leaving (DH had plans with Joe after dinner and had planned to stay later anyway) but DH thought it would be rude. Son was getting pretty cranky (close to bedtime and hadn't had dinner) so I put my foot down and we left. Annie and Joe didn't say goodbye to us or even say anything at all, really.

I had to stop and get Son dinner on the way home, which irritated me as we had already spent $15 bringing groceries at Annie's request.

Was there anyone rude in this situation, or was it just a combination of bad luck and poor planning?

[Shoo]

Annie was extremely rude.  She knew your schedule limitations, and chose to ignore them.  Not only was she rude, but she was PA, as well.  I'm not fond of your husband not leaving with you.  He should have cancelled his plans with Joe and gone home with you, IMO.  He ended up rewarding Annie's rudeness by staying.

[HermioneGranger]

No, I'd be angry too.  Dinner at 6:30 means dinner at 6:30, give or take (maybe fifteen minutes).  She was at the very least. inconsiderate, if not out and out rude.  She knew your son's bedtime, and didn't care.  I wouldn't be going back over there anytime soon. 

[WillyNilly]

I think it was poor planning (not bad luck) and that poor planning, on Annie's part, was rude.

Some parents, heck some people, do not keep schedules at all.  In fact they get defensive and angry at even the idea of keeping to a schedule.  That's fine for them.  But its not ok for them to inflict that lifestyle on people who  personally keep to a schedule and calmly and politely communicate that.

You were 100% clear and honest about your timeline.  You had to be home by 8 for kiddo to be in bed no later then 8:30, closer to 8 if possible.  She said "ok" and then didn't come through.  That's on her.  It would have been fine, I'm sure for her to say "oooooooooh, gosh I really don't know if I can do that.  Maybe we could do an early night of take out?  I'd really love to spend at least some time together." Or she could have said "how about lunch over the weekend?"  There were lots of options that could have been exercised.  But placating your verbally and then going ahead with the plan that you'd communicated wouldn't work for you, was not ok by any means.  She owes you an apology.

[weeblewobble]

No, your son needed to eat and go to bed.  The hostess was made aware of this when you (sensibly) tried to decline her invitation.  It's her fault for not adjusting accordingly, especially after she said she would prepare dinner earlier.  If she didn't want to follow through on that, she should have said, "That's too bad, maybe another time."

And not talking to you just compounds the rudeness on the "hosts" part.

[Jones]

You bought the groceries, she knew your time restrictions, and she got to keep the groceries and eat at the time she wanted to eat? Not cool. I don't think you were rude for leaving early, but it sounds like Annie was quite the inconsiderate hostess.

[JenJay]

They were rude to delay dinner so late, rude not to say goodbye to you when you had to leave, and possibly rude to ask you to supply groceries for the dinner they invited you to and then didn't serve to 2/3 of your family. What was up with that? And when did your DH finally get to eat? (just cuz I'm curious)

[Zilla]

Well part of the groceries would be consumed by your husband so not a total loss.  I think she was rude in the sense she should have informed  you that she was running behind and couldn't adhere to the earlier dinner date.  That way you could have planned to stay to visit for a bit and leave.
I would also look into a babysitter next time a dinner invitation is issued so you aren't caught like that again.

[VorFemme]

I'd say more like Annie planned that dinner would be ready when SHE wanted it ready - but that is a 55 year old woman who has seen a few passive aggressive people in her lifetime.

Granted - I am also a 55 year old woman who sometimes has trouble getting organized - but I don't leave food sitting around prepped but not cooked for more than ten or fifteen minutes - "food poisoning" is not a fun experience. 

[lowspark]

I think it was poor planning (not bad luck) and that poor planning, on Annie's part, was rude.

I agree.

But here are my questions:
-- What groceries did you bring? Was it something which would take the hostess mere minutes to put together like salad fixings, or something which would require a lot of prep like a bunch of veggies that would need chopping for example? I ask because whatever she asked you to bring might have been a clue as to how long it was going to take to make dinner.
-- Did you offer to help? I'm not saying you needed to or should have. But I'm just putting myself in your place and at about 6:45 I'd have handed Junior over to Dad and gone in the kitchen to see what still needed doing as it was already 15 minutes later than dinner was supposed to be served.
Doing this would have also given you some insight as to when dinner was really going to be ready.

In your place, by 7 pm, I would for sure be questioning when dinner was really going to be ready and I'd be making my excuses right then because when my kids were that age, delaying their dinner by as much as a half hour could easily be disastrous in terms of their disposition.

[Redneck Gravy]

Wow!  Annie did exactly as she pleased didn't she? 

I wouldn't be accepting anymore invitations for dinner there again and if asked I would politely explain why. 

You are owed an apology but I will be surprised if you get one. 

Update please if new info comes up.

[amylouky]

You weren't rude. I'm guessing Annie doesn't have children.. I know before we had our little ones I kind of did an internal  at people who were so adamant about bedtimes and naptimes.. I know better now. Our two start melting down around 8:45, by the clock.

I think maybe the not sticking to 6:30 dinner time was clueless and inconsiderate, but not unforgiveably rude.. maybe the food prep took longer than she'd bargained for? But acting PA and not speaking to you? Definitely rude. I don't think DH was rude for staying, sounds like that was the plan all along..

[Luci45]

Annie was really rude and thoughtless. Some people just can't keep schedules, so we have learned who they are and avoid situations where it is important - no concerts with a certain couple, for example.

I am wondering why you took 'groceries'. Did you just take raw materials and then not help with prep? I think I would have found out what they were for and had the dish/tray ready to go.

You did state your parameters, though, and she promised to abide by them, so I think you acted in the best interests of your child.

You weren't rude. I'm guessing Annie doesn't have children.. I know before we had our little ones I kind of did an internal  at people

They played with Annie's toddler.

[TootsNYC]

... we had already spent $15 bringing groceries at Annie's request.

Was there anyone rude in this situation, or was it just a combination of bad luck and poor planning?

Well, I think it's a fundamental rudeness. Or a fundamental and total lack of awareness of what "having people over for dinner" means and what the responsibilities and pleasures of being a host are.

I think your leaving was absolutely the best possible thing you could have done. It's perfect feedback for Annie about the consequences of her actions.

[CakeBeret]

I brought toppings that required no more than 5 minutes prep, and were not needed for the cooking process. I would have prepped/served them when the time was right, but I didn't want to prep them prematurely and have them sitting out for an unknown period of time.

I did offer to help, twice. The first time, Annie ignored me completely, and the second time, she said no.

I thought about leaving earlier, when it was readily apparent that dinner was not forthcoming anytime soon, but as Son was behaving well at that point it seemed a little abrupt.

I don't know what time they ate, I haven't had a chance to talk to DH. Based on what I saw before I left, I would guess they ate around 8:30.

Annie does have a toddler a few months younger than my son.