When dinner is significantly delayed...

[LeveeWoman]

But that's a completely different situation and I don't see how it applies here.

Neither do I.

[gen xer]

But that's a completely different situation and I don't see how it applies here.

I mention it because I think it is one of those situations where there is a lot of blurring between having a genuine beef like the OP did ( with respect to having discussed it in advance ) to becoming rigid, inflexible and demanding.  I am not accusing the OP of that....I just think that many parents can become a little too "mama-bearish" when it comes to accomodating their children.

It's a fine line that the OP didn't cross....but others do which is why I do think it applies here.  Just something to consider.

[Rohanna]

I disagree- particularly when children, the elderly or people with known food-sensitive illnesses like diabetes are involved its incumbent on the host to mention if dinner will be served outside of culturally normal "Dinner time". In most parts of N America that tends to be sometime between 5:30 to 7. If I get invited over for 5 for dinner, I would be upset if I had to wait to eat until 8 or 9 without being warned previously. My father would have to leave, as his diabetes cannot handle that long without food . It's always good to check- but really, if you're invited over at dinner hour for dinner, I wouldn't fault you for not having the timing stamped in triplicate.

[jpcher]

Chiming in late, here. I haven't thoroughly read all of the responses, pretty much skimmed.

When DDs were toddlers I always brought snack food, if not an entire meal for them, to gatherings. Just in case. Not saying that OP should do this, but it worked for me. When they got older I stopped bringing food for them, thinking that they should just eat off of whatever is served.

I'm reminded of a time when the DDs were maybe 5&7. SIL invited us over for dinner. (Guest list was just LDH, DDs and I along with her SO.) She said "Show up any time after 3:00" I did not ask when dinner would be served and I didn't bring snacks for the kids. I figured dinner would be around 6:00. SIL served appetizers, but they were more adult tastes (buffalo wings, spicy mexican roll-ups, etc.) Getting to be around 6:00 I asked if I could order a pizza or something for the DDs. SIL said "No, no, no. We'll start dinner soon. They can eat whatever we're serving!" 7:00 and still no signs of any dinner prep. I ran out to McDonald's for food for the DDs, much to SIL's chagrin.  It was after 8:00 when SIL and her SO started the grill . . .

That being said, I do believe that a polite hostess should take any invited kid's needs into consideration.

You can be damned sure that if CakeBeret had been at one of OUR houses, she wouldn't be posting at Etiquette Hell about this--because not a ONE of us would have let her leave our house without an apology for our bad timing. She'd have left KNOWING that the friendship hadn't been damaged and that she hadn't been rude.

LOL! I agree whole-heartedly.




5 replies while I was posting . . .

[gen xer]

I disagree- particularly when children, the elderly or people with known food-sensitive illnesses like diabetes are involved its incumbent on the host to mention if dinner will be served outside of culturally normal "Dinner time". In most parts of N America that tends to be sometime between 5:30 to 7. If I get invited over for 5 for dinner, I would be upset if I had to wait to eat until 8 or 9 without being warned previously. My father would have to leave, as his diabetes cannot handle that long without food . It's always good to check- but really, if you're invited over at dinner hour for dinner, I wouldn't fault you for not having the timing stamped in triplicate.

Fair enough....my DH is hypoglycemic and needs to eat regularly.  I would not fault someone with a genuine medical need for making a discreet inquiry about the timings of a meal.....and trust me I know what it is like to have hungry, tired small children.  I too have given my kids small snacks etc when they were really young to help them get through to a late meal.

That being said I expect my kids to buck up and make do now.  Yes I think hosts should serve dinner at a reasonable hour - nobody would be served at 9:00 pm at my house - but still....I remember my MIL arriving at my SIL's place at about 1:00 pm and the first words out of her mouth were "Where's my lunch? I haven't eaten and I'm huuuuunnnngggrrryyyy"  She was shrill, rude and obnoxious.

The manners go both ways here.....

[LeveeWoman]

I disagree- particularly when children, the elderly or people with known food-sensitive illnesses like diabetes are involved its incumbent on the host to mention if dinner will be served outside of culturally normal "Dinner time". In most parts of N America that tends to be sometime between 5:30 to 7. If I get invited over for 5 for dinner, I would be upset if I had to wait to eat until 8 or 9 without being warned previously. My father would have to leave, as his diabetes cannot handle that long without food . It's always good to check- but really, if you're invited over at dinner hour for dinner, I wouldn't fault you for not having the timing stamped in triplicate.

Fair enough....my DH is hypoglycemic and needs to eat regularly.  I would not fault someone with a genuine medical need for making a discreet inquiry about the timings of a meal.....and trust me I know what it is like to have hungry, tired small children.  I too have given my kids small snacks etc when they were really young to help them get through to a late meal.

That being said I expect my kids to buck up and make do now.  Yes I think hosts should serve dinner at a reasonable hour - nobody would be served at 9:00 pm at my house - but still....I remember my MIL arriving at my SIL's place at about 1:00 pm and the first words out of her mouth were "Where's my lunch? I haven't eaten and I'm huuuuunnnngggrrryyyy"  She was shrill, rude and obnoxious.

The manners go both ways here.....

Not in CakeBeret's situation.

[gen xer]

I should note too that DH never makes demands on anyone...if he needs to eat or is concerned that dinner may be delayed he either eats something beforehand or brings something along.  That's what I do with the kids too so we aren't imposing our schedule on our hosts

[NyaChan]

When my sister and I were little, my mom always fed us a decent amount of food ahead of time and then would give us smaller amounts of food at the actual dinner party.  Her reasoning was that  if we came up against food we couldn't eat or if food was late for our schedules, neither the host nor the other guests need know about it.  That said, I agree that in this case, the child's schedule was irrelevant.  An agreement was made & the host neither kept up their end of the bargain, nor showed any sign of remorse for having failed to do so. 

[Rohanna]

I wouldn't call someone without manners or consideration a "host". It's fine if you choose To be so flexible, but I don't think people should be expected to allow others to walk all over them. I don't believe a bag of goldfish cracker is an acceptable dinner for my kid, so if dinner is going to be at or past his bedtime, especially if I had checked the time as. the OP did, I would be going home.

I believe in teaching my kids to be flexible, but I also believe in teaching them to stand up for themselves and not be taken advantage of.

[gen xer]

I disagree- particularly when children, the elderly or people with known food-sensitive illnesses like diabetes are involved its incumbent on the host to mention if dinner will be served outside of culturally normal "Dinner time". In most parts of N America that tends to be sometime between 5:30 to 7. If I get invited over for 5 for dinner, I would be upset if I had to wait to eat until 8 or 9 without being warned previously. My father would have to leave, as his diabetes cannot handle that long without food . It's always good to check- but really, if you're invited over at dinner hour for dinner, I wouldn't fault you for not having the timing stamped in triplicate.

Fair enough....my DH is hypoglycemic and needs to eat regularly.  I would not fault someone with a genuine medical need for making a discreet inquiry about the timings of a meal.....and trust me I know what it is like to have hungry, tired small children.  I too have given my kids small snacks etc when they were really young to help them get through to a late meal.

That being said I expect my kids to buck up and make do now.  Yes I think hosts should serve dinner at a reasonable hour - nobody would be served at 9:00 pm at my house - but still....I remember my MIL arriving at my SIL's place at about 1:00 pm and the first words out of her mouth were "Where's my lunch? I haven't eaten and I'm huuuuunnnngggrrryyyy"  She was shrill, rude and obnoxious.

The manners go both ways here.....

Not in CakeBeret's situation.

I have acknowedged several times that I don't think OP was rude since it was discussed beforehand....and I agree that if you are invited for a dinner you should in fact receive said dinner in a reasonable time.  I just think the guests need to consider the line between reasonable accomodation for their needs ( discussed in advance to be fair to both parties ) and being demanding. 

[TootsNYC]

But that's a completely different situation and I don't see how it applies here.

Agreed!

[TootsNYC]

For OP - I do think it would have been preferable to stick your head in the kitchen and say "sorry, we have to go, Baby has to eat".  But if you couldn't, you couldn't.

This is the ONLY thing that perhaps the OP could have done different or better--perhaps she could have been a bit more proactive in socializing, but especially in saying goodbye *in person.*

(though I can understand if she was just a little bit peeved and didn't want to; and she may have been reading nonverbal signals that aren't really represented her that gave her the "stay out of the kitchen" vibe)

[LeveeWoman]

I disagree- particularly when children, the elderly or people with known food-sensitive illnesses like diabetes are involved its incumbent on the host to mention if dinner will be served outside of culturally normal "Dinner time". In most parts of N America that tends to be sometime between 5:30 to 7. If I get invited over for 5 for dinner, I would be upset if I had to wait to eat until 8 or 9 without being warned previously. My father would have to leave, as his diabetes cannot handle that long without food . It's always good to check- but really, if you're invited over at dinner hour for dinner, I wouldn't fault you for not having the timing stamped in triplicate.

Fair enough....my DH is hypoglycemic and needs to eat regularly.  I would not fault someone with a genuine medical need for making a discreet inquiry about the timings of a meal.....and trust me I know what it is like to have hungry, tired small children.  I too have given my kids small snacks etc when they were really young to help them get through to a late meal.

That being said I expect my kids to buck up and make do now.  Yes I think hosts should serve dinner at a reasonable hour - nobody would be served at 9:00 pm at my house - but still....I remember my MIL arriving at my SIL's place at about 1:00 pm and the first words out of her mouth were "Where's my lunch? I haven't eaten and I'm huuuuunnnngggrrryyyy"  She was shrill, rude and obnoxious.

The manners go both ways here.....

Not in CakeBeret's situation.

I have acknowedged several times that I don't think OP was rude since it was discussed beforehand....and I agree that if you are invited for a dinner you should in fact receive said dinner in a reasonable time.  I just think the guests need to consider the line between reasonable accomodation for their needs ( discussed in advance to be fair to both parties ) and being demanding.

This is not a guest's problem. This is a host's problem. In my opinion, she lied to CakeBeret, pulling an unconscionable bait-and-switch.

[gen xer]

I disagree- particularly when children, the elderly or people with known food-sensitive illnesses like diabetes are involved its incumbent on the host to mention if dinner will be served outside of culturally normal "Dinner time". In most parts of N America that tends to be sometime between 5:30 to 7. If I get invited over for 5 for dinner, I would be upset if I had to wait to eat until 8 or 9 without being warned previously. My father would have to leave, as his diabetes cannot handle that long without food . It's always good to check- but really, if you're invited over at dinner hour for dinner, I wouldn't fault you for not having the timing stamped in triplicate.

Fair enough....my DH is hypoglycemic and needs to eat regularly.  I would not fault someone with a genuine medical need for making a discreet inquiry about the timings of a meal.....and trust me I know what it is like to have hungry, tired small children.  I too have given my kids small snacks etc when they were really young to help them get through to a late meal.

That being said I expect my kids to buck up and make do now.  Yes I think hosts should serve dinner at a reasonable hour - nobody would be served at 9:00 pm at my house - but still....I remember my MIL arriving at my SIL's place at about 1:00 pm and the first words out of her mouth were "Where's my lunch? I haven't eaten and I'm huuuuunnnngggrrryyyy"  She was shrill, rude and obnoxious.

The manners go both ways here.....

Not in CakeBeret's situation.

I have acknowedged several times that I don't think OP was rude since it was discussed beforehand....and I agree that if you are invited for a dinner you should in fact receive said dinner in a reasonable time.  I just think the guests need to consider the line between reasonable accomodation for their needs ( discussed in advance to be fair to both parties ) and being demanding.

This is not a guest's problem. This is a host's problem. In my opinion, she lied to CakeBeret, pulling an unconscionable bait-and-switch.

Agreed.  But I can't figure out why she would invite them over for that time if she had no intention of serving a meal at the agreed upon time.  I don't even ascribe terrible motives on her others have done....cluelessness about what it is like to have kids maybe....but not necessarily deliberate nastiness.

[LeveeWoman]

I disagree- particularly when children, the elderly or people with known food-sensitive illnesses like diabetes are involved its incumbent on the host to mention if dinner will be served outside of culturally normal "Dinner time". In most parts of N America that tends to be sometime between 5:30 to 7. If I get invited over for 5 for dinner, I would be upset if I had to wait to eat until 8 or 9 without being warned previously. My father would have to leave, as his diabetes cannot handle that long without food . It's always good to check- but really, if you're invited over at dinner hour for dinner, I wouldn't fault you for not having the timing stamped in triplicate.

Fair enough....my DH is hypoglycemic and needs to eat regularly.  I would not fault someone with a genuine medical need for making a discreet inquiry about the timings of a meal.....and trust me I know what it is like to have hungry, tired small children.  I too have given my kids small snacks etc when they were really young to help them get through to a late meal.

That being said I expect my kids to buck up and make do now.  Yes I think hosts should serve dinner at a reasonable hour - nobody would be served at 9:00 pm at my house - but still....I remember my MIL arriving at my SIL's place at about 1:00 pm and the first words out of her mouth were "Where's my lunch? I haven't eaten and I'm huuuuunnnngggrrryyyy"  She was shrill, rude and obnoxious.

The manners go both ways here.....

Not in CakeBeret's situation.

I have acknowedged several times that I don't think OP was rude since it was discussed beforehand....and I agree that if you are invited for a dinner you should in fact receive said dinner in a reasonable time.  I just think the guests need to consider the line between reasonable accomodation for their needs ( discussed in advance to be fair to both parties ) and being demanding.

This is not a guest's problem. This is a host's problem. In my opinion, she lied to CakeBeret, pulling an unconscionable bait-and-switch.

Agreed.  But I can't figure out why she would invite them over for that time if she had no intention of serving a meal at the agreed upon time.  I don't even ascribe terrible motives on her others have done....cluelessness about what it is like to have kids maybe....but not necessarily deliberate nastiness.

She has a toddler.