Etiquette School is in session! > "Have you tried the bean dip?"

Bean dipping a break-up?

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Yvaine:

--- Quote from: Twik on February 08, 2013, 04:56:14 PM ---Well, it was the ex who thought he was going to be killed, not the teller of the story. Telling the story as if she singlehandedly rented a stranger's couch and then was terrifed by the situation makes her sound rather foolish.

--- End quote ---

I agree. I wouldn't want to falsely ascribe foolish behavior to myself just to cut the ex out of the story!

For me, there are usually about three stages,

The first stage is when it's really raw and I'm still not quite used to the fact that we are no longer together, and I might talk about him like he's still in my life just because I'm used to doing so, and haven't yet broken the habit. (After all, don't they say it takes 3 weeks to change a habit?) That's the stage the OP's cousin seems to be in.

The second stage is where I really don't want to talk about the person anymore, and the third stage is when the ex does start reappearing in my stories--because he or she was a part of my life, and the past hasn't just been erased. The mentions just get more casual and no longer as emotionally charged. Instead of "Bob likes bacon...sob!" like it might be at the beginning, it becomes more like "I used to date this guy who ate a package of bacon every day..."


--- Quote from: TurtleDove on February 08, 2013, 04:00:21 PM ---If the idea is to move on and form a new relationship, to make stories about YOUR life be mostly about "your life with the ex" does not signal , to me, someone who is ready for a new relationship.  I would think the point of the story is what happened, not that it involved the ex.

--- End quote ---

I don't think the OP's cousin is to that point yet, and it's not like she's going out on dates and talking like this to the new dates (which of course can be awkward, but is not what's happening here). She's confiding in her relative.

takeheart:
It's been a while... I did cut her some slack and allowed her to continue talking while I listened (and bit my tongue). This continued for quite some time, but mellowed out when she started school—something she wanted to return to, but never did while she was with her ex.

However, recently she found out he had started dating someone new and impulsively sent him a text demanding her washer/dryer back. Long story short, she has started talking about her ex again, going as far as saying, "This feels like we're breaking up all over again." Since their breakup, they have had little contact (if any). So now we're back to her talking about him, except it's worse.

I've been through bad breakups, even a divorce, so it's easier for me to know what I would do in her situation because I have had those 'hindsight is 20/20' moments, but I'm not going to give her advice because that's the last thing she wants to hear. It just makes it difficult to listen to her and bite my tongue for a second time!

Is it okay to bean dip a breakup now?!

Nikko-chan:

--- Quote from: takeheart on April 28, 2013, 10:24:36 PM ---It's been a while... I did cut her some slack and allowed her to continue talking while I listened (and bit my tongue). This continued for quite some time, but mellowed out when she started school—something she wanted to return to, but never did while she was with her ex.

However, recently she found out he had started dating someone new and impulsively sent him a text demanding her washer/dryer back. Long story short, she has started talking about her ex again, going as far as saying, "This feels like we're breaking up all over again." Since their breakup, they have had little contact (if any). So now we're back to her talking about him, except it's worse.

I've been through bad breakups, even a divorce, so it's easier for me to know what I would do in her situation because I have had those 'hindsight is 20/20' moments, but I'm not going to give her advice because that's the last thing she wants to hear. It just makes it difficult to listen to her and bight my tongue for a second time!

Is it okay to bean dip a breakup now?!

--- End quote ---

Yes, I think that it is okay now. It's been what... two or three months since she broke up with this guy? And she stopped talking about him and now she's started again? Oh yes, it is definitely okay to bean dip now.

TurtleDove:

--- Quote from: Yvaine on February 09, 2013, 09:21:29 AM ---
I agree. I wouldn't want to falsely ascribe foolish behavior to myself just to cut the ex out of the story!


--- End quote ---

To be clear, I am not saying pretending another person wasn't there.  I am saying that at some point it can be about "my friend" or "another person I was with" doing something as opposed to defining that person as "MY EX."  I do this all the time.  I have had some really great experiences with (now) exes of mine.  When I tell the stories it is ambiguous who the other person was to me.  He was a friend, another person present.  The story is about "The Story" and not about the fact that "MY EX" was a part of it.

takeheart:

--- Quote from: TurtleDove on April 28, 2013, 10:35:15 PM ---
--- Quote from: Yvaine on February 09, 2013, 09:21:29 AM ---
I agree. I wouldn't want to falsely ascribe foolish behavior to myself just to cut the ex out of the story!


--- End quote ---

To be clear, I am not saying pretending another person wasn't there.  I am saying that at some point it can be about "my friend" or "another person I was with" doing something as opposed to defining that person as "MY EX."  I do this all the time.  I have had some really great experiences with (now) exes of mine.  When I tell the stories it is ambiguous who the other person was to me.  He was a friend, another person present.  The story is about "The Story" and not about the fact that "MY EX" was a part of it.

--- End quote ---

I understand what you mean. I would say, "My ex-husband and I..." a lot when we first separated, but nowadays, I change it to, "I went to Florida a lot!" If they ask with who, then I will say my ex-husband. It took a while to get used to not including him in my stories though.

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