Author Topic: Bean dipping a break-up?  (Read 7755 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

onyonryngs

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 362
Re: Bean dipping a break-up?
« Reply #15 on: February 08, 2013, 04:16:11 PM »
Why would you think this is strongly recommendable?

If the idea is to move on and form a new relationship, to make stories about YOUR life be mostly about "your life with the ex" does not signal , to me, someone who is ready for a new relationship.  I would think the point of the story is what happened, not that it involved the ex.

Not everyone is ready to move on immediately after the end of a relationship.  It's healthy to get your head together first before jumping right into another relationship right after the conclusion of the previous one.  There is nothing wrong with discussing the ex - it can be cathartic and a method to get him out of her system.  It's been a couple of weeks & she's still getting used to the change.  If she adds the ex to the story every now & then, it doesn't hurt anyone.

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6117
Re: Bean dipping a break-up?
« Reply #16 on: February 08, 2013, 04:21:31 PM »
Not everyone is ready to move on immediately after the end of a relationship.  It's healthy to get your head together first before jumping right into another relationship right after the conclusion of the previous one.  There is nothing wrong with discussing the ex - it can be cathartic and a method to get him out of her system.  It's been a couple of weeks & she's still getting used to the change.  If she adds the ex to the story every now & then, it doesn't hurt anyone.

Oh, I am not talking about immediately after the end of a relationship and I am not saying everyone moves on in the same way or moves on at all.  I was addressing the comments that telling stories after a breakup will necessarily have to involve the ex.  I don't think this is true.  In my opinion and experience, after a breakup, for me, it is healthy to focus on me and what I have done and what I am doing.  So I can say, "I went to Key West and did X, Y and Z" and the focus is on what I did, not the fact that I honeymooned there with my husband.  If that doesn't work for someone, no worries on my end. I was addressing instances where someone is ready to move on and saying that one can talk about times they were coupled without the focus being on the fact they were coupled.  I was saying that I strongly recommend people do that (take the focus off the relationship and onto what the speaker herself did) if they are ready to move on.

To clarify, for me, I have had some harsh "break ups."  Focusing on the past did nothing to help me and did much to harm me.  Focusing on my future got me through and keeps me happy.  YMMV.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2013, 04:23:42 PM by TurtleDove »

Twik

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 28633
Re: Bean dipping a break-up?
« Reply #17 on: February 08, 2013, 04:56:14 PM »
Well, it was the ex who thought he was going to be killed, not the teller of the story. Telling the story as if she singlehandedly rented a stranger's couch and then was terrifed by the situation makes her sound rather foolish.

I agree that you have to avoid making it sound like you're constantly retelling the story of Me and My Ex, but if otherwise you end up telling distortions of the truth in order to avoid mentioning him, it's equally unhealthy.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

thedudeabides

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 512
Re: Bean dipping a break-up?
« Reply #18 on: February 08, 2013, 05:30:15 PM »
Well, it was the ex who thought he was going to be killed, not the teller of the story. Telling the story as if she singlehandedly rented a stranger's couch and then was terrifed by the situation makes her sound rather foolish.

I agree that you have to avoid making it sound like you're constantly retelling the story of Me and My Ex, but if otherwise you end up telling distortions of the truth in order to avoid mentioning him, it's equally unhealthy.

Not to mention confusing for listener and teller alike. Cutting a person completely out of a story can require a lot of mental effort. Not everyone is going to want to expend that much just to have a conversation.

OP, cut your cousin some slack, please. She's going to move on, but for now, just let her talk and talk with her. She's going to have to have new experiences so she has memories that don't involve the ex.

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6117
Re: Bean dipping a break-up?
« Reply #19 on: February 09, 2013, 08:27:39 AM »
Maybe I wasn't clear. I don't mean lying or cutting a person completely out of a story. I mean telling the story so the focus isn't on the fact there was a romantic relationship at the time. Also, having discretion in why someone would want to hear a story about your ex. About you when the ex happened to be present? Sure! But make it about you, not about the ex being there.

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8930
Re: Bean dipping a break-up?
« Reply #20 on: February 09, 2013, 09:21:29 AM »
Well, it was the ex who thought he was going to be killed, not the teller of the story. Telling the story as if she singlehandedly rented a stranger's couch and then was terrifed by the situation makes her sound rather foolish.

I agree. I wouldn't want to falsely ascribe foolish behavior to myself just to cut the ex out of the story!

For me, there are usually about three stages,

The first stage is when it's really raw and I'm still not quite used to the fact that we are no longer together, and I might talk about him like he's still in my life just because I'm used to doing so, and haven't yet broken the habit. (After all, don't they say it takes 3 weeks to change a habit?) That's the stage the OP's cousin seems to be in.

The second stage is where I really don't want to talk about the person anymore, and the third stage is when the ex does start reappearing in my stories--because he or she was a part of my life, and the past hasn't just been erased. The mentions just get more casual and no longer as emotionally charged. Instead of "Bob likes bacon...sob!" like it might be at the beginning, it becomes more like "I used to date this guy who ate a package of bacon every day..."

If the idea is to move on and form a new relationship, to make stories about YOUR life be mostly about "your life with the ex" does not signal , to me, someone who is ready for a new relationship.  I would think the point of the story is what happened, not that it involved the ex.

I don't think the OP's cousin is to that point yet, and it's not like she's going out on dates and talking like this to the new dates (which of course can be awkward, but is not what's happening here). She's confiding in her relative.

takeheart

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 209
Re: Bean dipping a break-up?
« Reply #21 on: April 28, 2013, 10:24:36 PM »
It's been a while... I did cut her some slack and allowed her to continue talking while I listened (and bit my tongue). This continued for quite some time, but mellowed out when she started school—something she wanted to return to, but never did while she was with her ex.

However, recently she found out he had started dating someone new and impulsively sent him a text demanding her washer/dryer back. Long story short, she has started talking about her ex again, going as far as saying, "This feels like we're breaking up all over again." Since their breakup, they have had little contact (if any). So now we're back to her talking about him, except it's worse.

I've been through bad breakups, even a divorce, so it's easier for me to know what I would do in her situation because I have had those 'hindsight is 20/20' moments, but I'm not going to give her advice because that's the last thing she wants to hear. It just makes it difficult to listen to her and bite my tongue for a second time!

Is it okay to bean dip a breakup now?!
« Last Edit: April 28, 2013, 10:37:36 PM by takeheart »

Nikko-chan

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2756
Re: Bean dipping a break-up?
« Reply #22 on: April 28, 2013, 10:28:04 PM »
It's been a while... I did cut her some slack and allowed her to continue talking while I listened (and bit my tongue). This continued for quite some time, but mellowed out when she started school—something she wanted to return to, but never did while she was with her ex.

However, recently she found out he had started dating someone new and impulsively sent him a text demanding her washer/dryer back. Long story short, she has started talking about her ex again, going as far as saying, "This feels like we're breaking up all over again." Since their breakup, they have had little contact (if any). So now we're back to her talking about him, except it's worse.

I've been through bad breakups, even a divorce, so it's easier for me to know what I would do in her situation because I have had those 'hindsight is 20/20' moments, but I'm not going to give her advice because that's the last thing she wants to hear. It just makes it difficult to listen to her and bight my tongue for a second time!

Is it okay to bean dip a breakup now?!

Yes, I think that it is okay now. It's been what... two or three months since she broke up with this guy? And she stopped talking about him and now she's started again? Oh yes, it is definitely okay to bean dip now.

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6117
Re: Bean dipping a break-up?
« Reply #23 on: April 28, 2013, 10:35:15 PM »

I agree. I wouldn't want to falsely ascribe foolish behavior to myself just to cut the ex out of the story!


To be clear, I am not saying pretending another person wasn't there.  I am saying that at some point it can be about "my friend" or "another person I was with" doing something as opposed to defining that person as "MY EX."  I do this all the time.  I have had some really great experiences with (now) exes of mine.  When I tell the stories it is ambiguous who the other person was to me.  He was a friend, another person present.  The story is about "The Story" and not about the fact that "MY EX" was a part of it.

takeheart

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 209
Re: Bean dipping a break-up?
« Reply #24 on: April 28, 2013, 10:40:19 PM »

I agree. I wouldn't want to falsely ascribe foolish behavior to myself just to cut the ex out of the story!


To be clear, I am not saying pretending another person wasn't there.  I am saying that at some point it can be about "my friend" or "another person I was with" doing something as opposed to defining that person as "MY EX."  I do this all the time.  I have had some really great experiences with (now) exes of mine.  When I tell the stories it is ambiguous who the other person was to me.  He was a friend, another person present.  The story is about "The Story" and not about the fact that "MY EX" was a part of it.

I understand what you mean. I would say, "My ex-husband and I..." a lot when we first separated, but nowadays, I change it to, "I went to Florida a lot!" If they ask with who, then I will say my ex-husband. It took a while to get used to not including him in my stories though.

RooRoo

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 702
  • I’m out of my mind. Please leave a message.
Re: Bean dipping a break-up?
« Reply #25 on: May 01, 2013, 04:49:04 PM »
Quote
However, recently she found out he had started d@ting someone new and impulsively sent him a text demanding her washer/dryer back. Long story short, she has started talking about her ex again, going as far as saying, "This feels like we're breaking up all over again." Since their breakup, they have had little contact (if any). So now we're back to her talking about him, except it's worse.

Sounds like she wasn't really done with him, but was hoping he would decide to commit, and she could go "home". So when she found out he was d@ting, it hurt. In a sense, it really is "breaking up all over again." And now she wants the stuff she left there in hope/expectation of starting again. (BTDT. Poor kid.)

The tactic that worked on me was some cold water thrown over me by my BFF. Lovingly. She responded to remarks about him by saying, "Too bad he turned out to be an [expletive]." (I believe the filter replaces that word with "bacon-fed knave.")

This gave me the opportunity to vent about him. As I took it in for good, I'd pause, realize it was true, and say, "Yeah, he is, isn't he?" She really helped me get past the venting stage. After that, regular beandips worked on me. If I mentioned something about going to the beach with him, she'd talk about the beach.

You know your niece better than I do; you'll know whether either of these will work on her.

Good luck to both of you.
"Someday we must write a book of Etiquette for sensible people," said Mrs. Morland, "though apart from a few rules it really boils down to an educated mind and a kind heart." ~ Angela Thirkell, Never Too Late