Author Topic: acquaintances behaving badly  (Read 4847 times)

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yachtchick

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acquaintances behaving badly
« on: November 07, 2012, 12:27:06 PM »
I'm in a quandary.  Being a southern lady of a certain age, I am well versed in etiquette.  This site has made me even more so.  Thank you.

I  have a friend, lets call her Jamie.  We're recent friends for about a year now. She is somewhat P/A but otherwise nice enough.  Then there is Rachel.  Rachel was friends without benefits with the fella I am now living with. They would have dinner occasionally, movies that sort of thing.  I met Rachel at Jamie's Xmas party last year when fella and I were first out in public together.  FWIW, I am a widow of two years so the acquaintance is not unseemly.  Fella is also somewhat socially awkward.

My next encounter with Rachel was a few months later when she told Fella her printer wasn't working (in front of me at a play) and was wondering if he could come to her house to work on it. He is a computer geek by trade. I laughed when she left and told him there was nothing wrong with her printer. He did not go by.

Had lunch with the "girls" about two weeks ago. Rachel swore we had never met before.  Later that day she asked, according to Jamie, why I didn't like her? My response was "She never has met me what possible opinion could I have?  She seems nice enough."

Jamie is, as many of us, having some financial difficulties. She was planning a "Red Hat" ladies luncheon on November 15 but has found she really can't afford it.  BG - Red Hat Ladies are a bunch of us old broads over 50 who get together and raise hell and do good works. Now, Jamie can't pay the rent. She asked if it would be ok to cancel. I said if you can't pay the rent I don't really see how you can handle Turkey and the fixings for 20 of your "closest" friends. Just tell them you can't and suggest someone else host and you can bring something along.  Or suggest use your place and everyone help out.  I would never expect a friend to put herself in financial harm to throw a party.

So she did and now Rachel has called her and said I was sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong.  OK, I get it she is jealous of me for various reasons. I am not a Red Hat lady, I am invited to functions and occasionally attend as I did last week because they want me to  join and I want to know about the charitable causes they support.  Also, she didn't want the guy but I did. I am also a bit socially awkward but have always been polite to her when we meet.  As some of you may know from the hugs folder my Fella is stuck in Bermuda on a boat after going through Hurricane Sandy. At the Red Hat meeting several mutual friends asked about it. Rachel sat at the end of the table glowering at me. 

My question is how do I deal with her when I see her at our mutual group of friends on the real Thanksgiving?  I am polite and courteous but this does not seem to be getting me any where.

Ideas? Or should I just smile, bean dip and move along?

Pamela
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NyaChan

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2012, 12:30:24 PM »
I think you should continue to be polite and courteous.  But my issue is, why did Jamie tell Rachel that you were the reason for canceling the luncheon?  I also wonder why Jamie keeps relating to you the negative things that Rachel brings up regarding you supposedly not liking her. 

White Lotus

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2012, 12:32:44 PM »
I think you've got it covered. 

WillyNilly

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2012, 12:36:26 PM »
I'm really not understanding a lot of this.

Do you think Rachel is romantically interested in you "fella"?  Its hard to tell if that's your impression or not.

Why did you not admit to or remind her of having met Rachel before?  Was that you just going along with her because you thought she was being PA or something?

Why did Jamie try to stir up trouble?  If she can't host she can't host, but why did she A) apparently tell Rachel you were involved in her decision to cancel and B) tell you Rachel's reaction to that news?

Ultimately I think you should just be pleasant and somewhat distant with Rachel.  Smile, say hi, answer questions, say goodbye at the end, but focus on other people at events you are both at and avoid more direct socializing with her.

yachtchick

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2012, 12:42:59 PM »
Agreed on all  points - distancing myself from Rachel and Jamie although I like Jamie she is a bit more of a drama queen than I have the stomach for.  I dont think Rachel is interested in the fella romantically I think she is just used to getting the attention. She is younger than the rest of by ten years, cute and perky. 

Enough replies - my instinct is right - bean dip and move along. Thanks!
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yachtchick

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2012, 12:57:06 PM »
Tried to remove this but the board won't let me ... moderators feel free, please.  Question asked and answered.
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BeagleMommy

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2012, 01:19:38 PM »
POD with being polite but not overly friendly.  If she has no designs on Fella she's sure doing a poor job of showing it.  She seems jealous.  Almost an "I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to want him either".

TootsNYC

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2012, 01:25:19 PM »
I think it's not that uncommon for someone to be faced with the "she doesn't like me" comments made behind their back and then reported by a "neutral party."

It's all too much drama.

And I think someone in your spot should feel free to say to the Jaime's of the world: "I'm sure the two of us will figure out our social relationship in due time. Please don't try to interfere, either by intervening with her or with me. Let us find our own feet on our own. So, I'd appreciate it if you didn't carry messages to her OR to me. It'll sort out in time, as long as no one is meddling."

And even feel free to say, "Well, I think she's fine, but whatever. We don't *HAVE* to be close friends, as long as we're friendly enough when we do meet. Other than that, I'm not sure what she wants."

But you may also, given your own story of your reaction about the computer problem, want to watch that you aren't letting your awareness of Rachel show in your tone or voice. It does sound like you sort of don't like her, and it may be leaking out.

yachtchick

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2012, 01:49:45 PM »
The computer reply was just to Fella. Don't mind him knowing I am a little jealous :-)  I am meeting Jamie tomorrow and going to follow instructions .. thank you all again.  Drama  ... ah, don't feed the drama lhama right?
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hobish

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2012, 01:56:30 PM »

Well, yes, that is kind of the point. By your own account you are the one who was catty from the start in your comments about the computer, and then continued it in pretending not to know Rachel. If you don't like interacting with your Fella's "friend without benefits" that's fine, you can't help how you feel and a lot of people might feel the same; but you can help how you act. Staying away from her and being neutrally polite when necessary is the correct way continue.
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PastryGoddess

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2012, 02:10:31 PM »

Well, yes, that is kind of the point. By your own account you are the one who was catty from the start in your comments about the computer, and then continued it in pretending not to know Rachel. If you don't like interacting with your Fella's "friend without benefits" that's fine, you can't help how you feel and a lot of people might feel the same; but you can help how you act. Staying away from her and being neutrally polite when necessary is the correct way continue.

Actually Rachel was the one who initially pretended not to know her.  I think OP was just going along with it as not to cause even more waves
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thlayly

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2012, 02:16:41 PM »
I'd just like something clarified- your Fella is good with computers and Rachel, the "friend without benefits", asked him for help with her printer. Is that right? What made you think her printer didn't actually need fixing?
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Two Ravens

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2012, 02:33:18 PM »
A "friend without benefits" is just a friend, right? Or am I missing something? I don't understand the need to spell this out.

TootsNYC

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2012, 02:39:28 PM »
or is a "friend without benefits" a *flirty* friend with whom the relationship never really gets sexual?

(not that this changes the advice, though)

yachtchick

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Re: acquaintances behaving badly
« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2012, 03:15:09 PM »
yep, guilty on almost all points.  I will stay the course. 

Pamela
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