I've Been "Unfriended"--Now What? (Update on Page 2)

[sparksals]

It is obvious they don't respect that you have a different opinion.  If they react this way by defriending you after decades of friendship, then they were never really your friend. 

[blarg314]

You know, I'm pretty cynical about the fact that they defriended you for your political comments on Facebook *after* the election was over. Not during any of the months of apparently evil comments before that, when they could have quietly defriended, or turned off your news feed so they didn't have to see it.

I'm betting their candidate lost, and they're lashing out at the other candidate's supporters as a result. If their candidate had won, it would have been no problem, and they'd have been the ones posting happy comments.

I'd just ignore the whole thing completely for now, and wait for them to come back, if they want to. If they don't, you've got an idea of what the friendship meant to them. If they do, next election, you know to block their view of your news feed well in advance.

[Nannerdoman]

The PP's who said I should probably stayed out of the situation are probably right. It's just that my sister and I are very close and I hoped--mistakenly, obviously--to defuse the situation.

Unfortunately for getting together for coffee or dinner, we live on opposite coasts (with a three-hour time difference that makes telephone communication problematic). Ironically, church would be the BEST venue to get together--we agree on most things in that area, and in fact they are members of the clergy in my denomination. I met them many years ago at the church we both attended.

I myself quietly unfriended someone during the campaign because some of the things he posted revealed a facet of his character I didn't like to see. Now that the election is over, I'm considering re-friending him. He's an all right guy in a lot of things.

Thanks for the comments. I'm contemplating sending them Friend requests.

[HenrysMom]

Nannerdoman, they cut you off - it is up to them to make the first move back to friendship.

Personally, if someone turned on me like a rabid dog over an opinion, I'd be backing way, way off.  Is a friendship worth it if you have to walk on eggshells and not be able to express an opinion on anything?

[Nannerdoman]

UPDATE

I have mutual friends with this couple. Last evening one of them let me know that she had also been defriended.  She is more at my end of the political spectrum.

However, another mutual friend got a post from one of them on her feed this morning (on a matter completely unrelated to politics). She is closer to them on the political spectrum. So I have a feeling that my sister, our roommate, and I have all be caught up in the Facebook equivalent of ideological housekeeping.

Roommate and I have both separately asked why this was done (via regular e-mail), and I have expressed my desire to continue our friendship. I don't want to throw away 30 years as though it were an old shoe.

[bansidhe]

I don't want to throw away 30 years as though it were an old shoe.

But that's exactly what they did to you. Frankly, they sound bigoted, shrill, and vindictive.

As for handling politics on Facebook, I don't keep my political affiliation a secret, but I don't post much in the way of political stuff, either (though I do "like" a lot of political posts). On numerous occasions during the presidential election, one FB friend in particular posted stuff that was against my political affiliation. No biggie most of the time, but her posts consisted of name-calling, hatred-spewing, and outright lies.

I ignored them on FB, but whenever she'd post something especially vile, I made a contribution to my guy's campaign fund.

[Jaelle]

I don't want to throw away 30 years as though it were an old shoe.

But that's exactly what they did to you. Frankly, they sound bigoted, shrill, and vindictive.

As for handling politics on Facebook, I don't keep my political affiliation a secret, but I don't post much in the way of political stuff, either (though I do "like" a lot of political posts). On numerous occasions during the presidential election, one FB friend in particular posted stuff that was against my political affiliation. No biggie most of the time, but her posts consisted of name-calling, hatred-spewing, and outright lies.

I ignored them on FB, but whenever she'd post something especially vile, I made a contribution to my guy's campaign fund.

Oh, I like that way of handling it.   I'm like you; I don't post political stuff, but I'll like other people's posts.

I'm fine with FB political posts from either side. It's when it gets nasty (also either side) that I'll start hiding people.

[Winterlight]

UPDATE

I have mutual friends with this couple. Last evening one of them let me know that she had also been defriended.  She is more at my end of the political spectrum.

However, another mutual friend got a post from one of them on her feed this morning (on a matter completely unrelated to politics). She is closer to them on the political spectrum. So I have a feeling that my sister, our roommate, and I have all be caught up in the Facebook equivalent of ideological housekeeping.

Roommate and I have both separately asked why this was done (via regular e-mail), and I have expressed my desire to continue our friendship. I don't want to throw away 30 years as though it were an old shoe.

I agree that you should have stayed out of it, but they clearly aren't interested in being reasonable. Don't try to contact them again- either they will come to their senses and realize they've been behaving like brats, or they will continue to sulk. Either way, they aren't your problem. And yes, it does sting that they want to toss your friendship aside, but ask yourself this- how good a friend is someone who vilifies you?

[Nannerdoman]

We got an e-mail from the DH of the group, that he was taking a break from Facebook generally and that he'd become increasingly distressed by trends he perceives in American culture and how the Facebook commentary feature did not lead to in-depth discussion. He stressed that "Facebook friend" does not equal "friend" and that he doesn't mean to sever the friendship. I'm very relieved by this and wrote him by regular e-mail.

[Twik]

A radio show this morning had this same topic, and he concluded that because of social media, we can create our own little world, where we only listen to "our" music, watch "our" tv shows on our own schedule, support "our" causes, and never have to be confronted with other opinions and viewpoints simply by hitting one button. 

Click!

And you have created your own little cocoon.

As a result, we have lost connections, while supposedly being the most connected.

I agree - one of my coworkers was nearly in tears of rage and hurt this week over a FB posting from another friend that viciously attacked her political stance (which her friend knew of). I'm pretty sure that this friend would NEVER have said the things she said to anyone's face (at least, not to anyone she hoped to maintain a relationship with). I think the ex-friend had confused her FB postings to being a newspaper columnist, whose rantings are not taken personally by the readers.

[TurtleDove]

I think the ex-friend had confused her FB postings to being a newspaper columnist, whose rantings are not taken personally by the readers.

I don't like political rantings at all, even if I agree with them, but I have never taken a friend's political ranting personally.  I think for some people the idea anyone would is foreign.

[blue2000]

I think the ex-friend had confused her FB postings to being a newspaper columnist, whose rantings are not taken personally by the readers.

I don't like political rantings at all, even if I agree with them, but I have never taken a friend's political ranting personally.  I think for some people the idea anyone would is foreign.

Generic ranting, no. "You are a horrible scumbag because you voted for X!!" yes, a lot of people would. That's not something you say to a friend, even if you disagree with them on political issues.

[Twik]

I think the ex-friend had confused her FB postings to being a newspaper columnist, whose rantings are not taken personally by the readers.

I don't like political rantings at all, even if I agree with them, but I have never taken a friend's political ranting personally.  I think for some people the idea anyone would is foreign.

Well, in my colleague's case, I guess you'd consider her oversensitive for a friend's calling her "brain-dead and unpatriotic"?

If someone said to you, "Turtledove, you're stupid and immoral for voting the way you do," you would not take it personally?

One can rant about politicians. However, when you insult your friends for their political beliefs, one may be surprised to find that some of them find these attacks, well, personal.

[Tea Drinker]

I'm with Twik here.

If I say I'm glad someone was re-elected because she's doing a good job, or oppose candidate X because I think his policies would be bad for the country, I hope people (with the possible exception of the candidate himself) can take that impersonally. If I said "anyone who votes for X is trying to destroy our way of life," I have to realize that people who voted for that candidate will take it personally.

Frankly, there are political positions I take personally. But I am willing to have that known, and let the chips fall where they may. After all, if I really think "that policy is both actively harmful, and hostile to me and people like me," what do I lose by saying that? If I'm lucky, the other person might see that and thinks "Hmm, Tea Drinker is a Purple, maybe I'm wrong about Purples." If, instead, they think "Oh dear, I didn't know Tea Drinker was one of those Purple people, I'm not inviting her to my party," and unfriends me, what have I lost, really? A casual acquaintanceship with someone who only wanted to socialize with me because they thought I was someone I'm not. (Somewhere in between, someone might think "Yes, candidate X supports this policy that Tea Drinker thinks is a threat to her, but I like their policy about these other things," and if they say so, then I get to decide how important the issue is to me in this case.)

[Sharnita]

I'm with Twik here.

If I say I'm glad someone was re-elected because she's doing a good job, or oppose candidate X because I think his policies would be bad for the country, I hope people (with the possible exception of the candidate himself) can take that impersonally. If I said "anyone who votes for X is trying to destroy our way of life," I have to realize that people who voted for that candidate will take it personally.

Frankly, there are political positions I take personally. But I am willing to have that known, and let the chips fall where they may. After all, if I really think "that policy is both actively harmful, and hostile to me and people like me," what do I lose by saying that? If I'm lucky, the other person might see that and thinks "Hmm, Tea Drinker is a Purple, maybe I'm wrong about Purples." If, instead, they think "Oh dear, I didn't know Tea Drinker was one of those Purple people, I'm not inviting her to my party," and unfriends me, what have I lost, really? A casual acquaintanceship with someone who only wanted to socialize with me because they thought I was someone I'm not. (Somewhere in between, someone might think "Yes, candidate X supports this policy that Tea Drinker thinks is a threat to her, but I like their policy about these other things," and if they say so, then I get to decide how important the issue is to me in this case.)

I tend to agree. The reality is that it is extremely unlikely that any candidate who will do absolutely everything I would have them do in every circumstance. Even the candidate I support overall are never goldplated.  For that reason, I don't take it personally if somebody else chooses to vote for the other guy who also has some flaws and a a few things to offer. If they rant about the fact that candidate A is the Antichrist I am a little turned off, however.