Is it up to the guest to follow up on a save the date?

[prairie_dances]

I have this friend who can push my buttons some times. I've started to drift away lately but my sister is still relatively close to her. She was suppose to have a party two weeks ago but cancelled without saying anything until I asked. She sent out another save the date (as a text) for this weekend about a week or so ago. I saw it and acknowledged it  but assumed that it was a casual thing she might cancel like the last time. Never head another thing about it. (she spoke to my sister about it a bit but she has a habit of not inviting me to things directly and just going through my sister like we're the same person). No date, time, nothing, just the save the date.

Today get a text saying somewhat passive aggressively "so I guess you guys aren't coming, because I haven't heard back from you". I responded back with what time? She says "whenever".  It's an hour and a half away, I don't want to show up and the party hasn't started. She finally says 8 to the next day.

My question is if someone sends you a save the date, is it up to you to follow up for  times, etc?

background if interested, but not necessary for the question: I'm probably going to go because my sister wants to (she feels guilty) and would like the company and to be honest this friend has a habit of making fun my sister and I for being shy/reserved if we don't go to her parties. She'll get passive aggressive and mean to the point that we feel like we are lame and should go, but when I have something? She just won't come, "forgets about it", or comes for literally two seconds and leaves saying she has to go to the gym or out with someone else. Stuff like this is why I'm starting to drift away a bit.

[Giggity]

If the "save the date" card doesn't have any directions beyond "save the date," which to me means "write down Sam's Wedding on my calendar," then what directions are you supposed to follow?

ETA: your sister's guilt is her problem. I wouldn't bother with any of this. The friend sounds petty and high-maintenance.

(ETA also: I have never heard of a "save the date" for anything but a wedding.)

[Yvaine]

I'm guessing she doesn't know the difference between a save the date and an invitation. But if she meant it to be an invitation, surely the date and time would have been helpful!

[BarensMom]

In my experience a "save the date" is not the same as an invitation.  You acknowledged its receipt, but the onus is on your so-called friend to issue a proper invitation.

This person sounds like a Mean Girl.  It sounds like your attendance at her parties is an excuse for her to mock and demean you and your sister.  I would decline any "save the dates" or invitations for her gatherings and back way, way off.

[rose red]

If she makes fun of you and is mean to you and your sister, why are you friends.  She's not a friend.  I would ignore her "invitation" and not show up because you are correct.  A save-the-date is not an invitation.

[LeveeWoman]

I'd dump anyone who treated me this way.

[shivering]

A save the date is informational, not an actual invitation and doesn't necessitate a response. It was on her to issue an actual invitation with the time, etc.

While Save the Dates are more appropriate for formal events such as weddings, I do know people who will say, "save X date, I'm having a party" and they'll later issue invitations (through Facebook, evite, or email).

[Shoo]

background if interested, but not necessary for the question: I'm probably going to go because my sister wants to (she feels guilty) and would like the company and to be honest this friend has a habit of making fun my sister and I for being shy/reserved if we don't go to her parties. She'll get passive aggressive and mean to the point that we feel like we are lame and should go, but when I have something? She just won't come, "forgets about it", or comes for literally two seconds and leaves saying she has to go to the gym or out with someone else. Stuff like this is why I'm starting to drift away a bit.

What is it you LIKE about this person?  Because she sounds awful, to be frank.  I wouldn't waste my time on someone who treated me like that.  C'mon.  You and your sister deserve better.  Surely you realize that.

[prairie_dances]

What is it you LIKE about this person?  Because she sounds awful, to be frank.  I wouldn't waste my time on someone who treated me like that.  C'mon.  You and your sister deserve better.  Surely you realize that.

That's a good question. Writing it all out made me realize that there's not not a whole lot, if anything, that I do like. It's just that we've been friends since the very first day of elementary school. There's a lot of history there that I'd feel bad about throwing away. Also I suppose I was worried that somewhere in all that I was wrong or biased or something.  Good to know that others see something off about this "friendship". I was worried it was all in my head.

[LeveeWoman]

What is it you LIKE about this person?  Because she sounds awful, to be frank.  I wouldn't waste my time on someone who treated me like that.  C'mon.  You and your sister deserve better.  Surely you realize that.

That's a good question. Writing it all out made me realize that there's not not a whole lot, if anything, that I do like. It's just that we've been friends since the very first day of elementary school. There's a lot of history there that I'd feel bad about throwing away. Also I suppose I was worried that somewhere in all that I was wrong or biased or something.  Good to know that others see something off about this "friendship". I was worried it was all in my head.

Think of it as if we're frogs who've been dropped in a pot of hot water while you're a frog who started off in  pot of cold water that was placed on a stove.

[Cat-Fu]

1. A save the date ≠ an invitation. She should have provided more info without prompting.

2. She doesn't sound like much of a friend. 

[jedikaiti]

I have this friend who can push my buttons some times. I've started to drift away lately but my sister is still relatively close to her. She was suppose to have a party two weeks ago but cancelled without saying anything until I asked. She sent out another save the date (as a text) for this weekend about a week or so ago. I saw it and acknowledged it  but assumed that it was a casual thing she might cancel like the last time. Never head another thing about it. (she spoke to my sister about it a bit but she has a habit of not inviting me to things directly and just going through my sister like we're the same person). No date, time, nothing, just the save the date.

Today get a text saying somewhat passive aggressively "so I guess you guys aren't coming, because I haven't heard back from you". I responded back with what time? She says "whenever".  It's an hour and a half away, I don't want to show up and the party hasn't started. She finally says 8 to the next day.

My question is if someone sends you a save the date, is it up to you to follow up for  times, etc?

background if interested, but not necessary for the question: I'm probably going to go because my sister wants to (she feels guilty) and would like the company and to be honest this friend has a habit of making fun my sister and I for being shy/reserved if we don't go to her parties. She'll get passive aggressive and mean to the point that we feel like we are lame and should go, but when I have something? She just won't come, "forgets about it", or comes for literally two seconds and leaves saying she has to go to the gym or out with someone else. Stuff like this is why I'm starting to drift away a bit.

Yea, I would just drop her like a hot potato. Your sister's guilt is her own problem, you don't need to be a party to her being abused like that. Sounds like there is no up side to being "friends" with this person, and many many down sides.

And, quite frankly, I probably would have texted her back with "Oh, I never received an invitation, so I assumed it wasn't on after all." No good host expects their guests to chase them down begging to have the pertinent details bestowed upon them.

[Shopaholic]

The best thing you could do for your sister is help her grow a spine with this friend.
Convince her not to go, and explain why she should not feel guilty.

[anonymousmac]

It's just that we've been friends since the very first day of elementary school. There's a lot of history there that I'd feel bad about throwing away.

I think you can try to get treated better in this friendship without necessarily throwing the whole thing away.  If a friend did that to me, I'd probably say "Sorry, i never heard back from you about any plans.  I can't make it this time, but I hope it's fun!"  Then maybe next time, my friend would be a little more respectful and actually invite me, instead of tossing barely coherent texts my way and expecting me to jump.

If your friend gets mad at you for not coming to her party, then that's her problem.   A "save the date" is never an obligation, and it's definitely her responsibility to contact people and actually invite them if she wants them to come to anything.

[TootsNYC]

And you can also get treated a little better in this friendship by:
1) not caring so much about that sort of "jab" or "teasing"--stop caring quite so much what she thinks, especially if it's negative.

2) calling her out on it at the time: "Susie, I just don't want to go / can't go! Wow." (and stop there--don't get into it, just "wow." Then, to ALL subsequent sentences from her even remotely related to the topic, cut-and-paste the "Susie, I just don't want to go" sentence. It will remind her, and you, that this answer is ALL that is necessary, and that "not wanting to go"  or "not being able to go" is a perfectly acceptable reason not to go somewhere.
  And the cut-and-paste I think also makes people focus on what it is they are doing to you. Once they notice the repetition, then they have to look at the sentences THEY are saying. And *sometimes* they'll notice what they're doing.