Too picky?

[Luci]

There also is the problem of how to spell the more formal, but misused, name in this case.

How did the bride choose the spelling of the formal name? Did she use 'Rebecca' or 'Rebeccah' or any of the other variations? If the bride had asked for the correct spelling from the family, she would have found out immediately that OP's legal name is the diminuative. (OP's screen name has 'becky' in it, so I'm jumping off from there to make an example for not guessing anyone's spelling!)

(The Reverand who performed our wedding really was 'Billy' - he had children my age, so had to be born before 1925 by rough math and reasonable assumptions, so the diminuative is not that new a legal name.)

[robobecky]

The only thing I think you did wrong was approaching SIL rather than your brother. Shouldn't your blood relative know your name?

I guess I don't assume the man is hands-off to the degree that even if his fiancee is writing the invitations, he wouldn't have a responsibility to make sure his sister's name is done right.

(This comes from the perspective of a person whose brother is somewhat known for misspelling her name, but who would be radically offended if I were to use the long, incorrect form of his legal "nickname"-type name.)

The reason I emailed future SIL is because she had to have been the one to send the card, not brother as he knows my name   So I figured I'd go to the source rather than an intermediary.  For the posters mentioning talking to her in person, we don't live anywhere near each other, and in fact have only met once, which was last month.  I think we'll see each other at Christmas, but no guarentees, and concievably we could not see each other until the wedding.  We live about 8 hrs apart.

[robobecky]

There also is the problem of how to spell the more formal, but misused, name in this case.

How did the bride choose the spelling of the formal name? Did she use 'Rebecca' or 'Rebeccah' or any of the other variations? If the bride had asked for the correct spelling from the family, she would have found out immediately that OP's legal name is the diminuative. (OP's screen name has 'becky' in it, so I'm jumping off from there to make an example for not guessing anyone's spelling!)

(The Reverand who performed our wedding really was 'Billy' - he had children my age, so had to be born before 1925 by rough math and reasonable assumptions, so the diminuative is not that new a legal name.)

She used Rebecca, which would be correct if that was my name, since I don't think my parents would have used an alternate spelling if they had chosen that for my name.  I also choose email as opposed to a phone call because we have never spoken on the phone, and my brother and I rarely talk on the phone.  What little communication we do have is over Facebook 98% of the time.  And we don't hate each other or anything, we're just both lousy at staying in touch   So I thought it would be stranger to deviate from our normal mode of communication.

[Shoo]

Since you asked - yes, I think you were too-picky.

Many people who normally go by a nickname do expect formal correspondence to be given in Real Name.  Yes, this was not the case with you, and many people don't consider STDs to be formal correspondence, but in most cases people are way more likely to be offended by being called by the nickname as opposed to the longer name.

I think that it would have been much better to talk to her casually rather than having it by email.

The OP doesn't go by a nickname, the nickname is her real name.

Yes, I'm aware of that.

So why is it "too picky" to be addressed by your actual real name?

It's the way the OP went about making the correction that I consider "too picky", not that she made it at all.

Are you saying that you don't think someone should correct someone else when they use the wrong name?  Or that it shouldn't be done by email?  I disagree, either way.

And to say the way she did it makes her "picky" doesn't make sense to me.

[Zilla]

The only thing I think you did wrong was approaching SIL rather than your brother. Shouldn't your blood relative know your name?

I am sure the brother does know her name and if he had a hand in it, he would have corrected it.  It sounds like it was all the sil to be and her family who may not have known.  I think it was better that the OP did it instead of telling her brother.  Coming from the bother and if he wasn't tactful might accidentally make it worse. 

[kareng57]

Since you asked - yes, I think you were too-picky.

Many people who normally go by a nickname do expect formal correspondence to be given in Real Name.  Yes, this was not the case with you, and many people don't consider STDs to be formal correspondence, but in most cases people are way more likely to be offended by being called by the nickname as opposed to the longer name.

I think that it would have been much better to talk to her casually rather than having it by email.

The OP doesn't go by a nickname, the nickname is her real name.

Yes, I'm aware of that.

So why is it "too picky" to be addressed by your actual real name?

It's the way the OP went about making the correction that I consider "too picky", not that she made it at all.

Are you saying that you don't think someone should correct someone else when they use the wrong name?  Or that it shouldn't be done by email?  I disagree, either way.

That's fine, I certainly don't expect everyone to always agree with me.

I've already answered your first question.  For the second - I do think that this is one instance where the spoken word is better than email or texting.  Otherwise, the second party could get the impression that the sender was terribly offended when that wasn't the case.  And, I do think that this could have waited till the next time they spoke on the phone, or in person.  It's not really analogous to someone mistakenly using the "short" form of a name rather than the "long" form i.e. assuming that someone named Catherine goes by Cathy.  That needs to be corrected right away, otherwise the person will probably continue calling her Cathy.  But someone who mistakenly uses Patricia rather than Patty on a formal document is highly unlikely to switch to calling her Patricia all the time - that's the difference.

In any event, it's probably best for OP to leave it alone at this stage.

[thedudeabides]

If it's too picky to want to be called by my actual name and to drop someone a quick line so they don't keep messing it up and then feel dumb that I waited to correct them in person, then I will gladly be too picky.

[kareng57]

If it's too picky to want to be called by my actual name and to drop someone a quick line so they don't keep messing it up and then feel dumb that I waited to correct them in person, then I will gladly be too picky.

But that's my point - OP hasn't switched to calling the person by the erroneous long name.  She used it one time, in a formal document.

I give up, I don't think that people are really reading my posts.

[stargazer]

If it's too picky to want to be called by my actual name and to drop someone a quick line so they don't keep messing it up and then feel dumb that I waited to correct them in person, then I will gladly be too picky.

But that's my point - OP hasn't switched to calling the person by the erroneous long name.  She used it one time, in a formal document.

I give up, I don't think that people are really reading my posts.

I have absolutely no idea what you are trying to say here.  The Dude was saying he would rather drop them a line than have to wait until they see each other again in person.  That has nothing to do with calling them, which the OP has stated they do not do and so it would be weirder to actually call them.  I don't know what this means "OP hasn't switched to calling the person by the erroneous long name.  She used it one time, in a formal document."  The OP didn't call anyone by the wrong name at all.

[SoCalVal]

It's not really analogous to someone mistakenly using the "short" form of a name rather than the "long" form i.e. assuming that someone named Catherine goes by Cathy.  That needs to be corrected right away, otherwise the person will probably continue calling her Cathy.  But someone who mistakenly uses Patricia rather than Patty on a formal document is highly unlikely to switch to calling her Patricia all the time - that's the difference.

I wouldn't agree.  I know more than one person who switched from calling someone whose given name IS the nickname to calling the person the more formal or longer form, e.g. calling someone "John" whose name is "Johnny" or calling someone "Jennifer" who goes by "Ginny" -- so not even short for "Jennifer" but "Virginia").  In fact, I'd be one of those individuals more likely to switch to calling someone the longer or more formal name than the nickname (if it truly were a nickname).

In the OP's case, it's not a nickname; she's being addressed by a name that is not hers.  I get addressed often enough by a name I don't use (my first name; I use my middle name).  I will correct someone right away on that because I don't think it's a good idea to let the person continue to err then finally decide at some point later to correct the person.  Obviously, YMMV in this case, but I figure it falls on the person whose name is being stated incorrectly.

As far as being "too picky" by correcting her FSIL via e-mail, I think you're using the wrong phrase.  It sounds like you mean "impolite" when saying OP should've made the correction via a phone call or in person.  That's not being too picky at all.

Also, I think you're missing the point that this isn't simply the case of being called the formal longer name; she's being called the wrong name, period, regardless of whether or not her legal name is normally recognized as the nickname of another name.

[bonyk]

If it's too picky to want to be called by my actual name and to drop someone a quick line so they don't keep messing it up and then feel dumb that I waited to correct them in person, then I will gladly be too picky.

But that's my point - OP hasn't switched to calling the person by the erroneous long name.  She used it one time, in a formal document.

I give up, I don't think that people are really reading my posts.

You're saying that because the error is not likely to occur often, it's no biggie, correct?

I would agree, if it was a more distant relation. 

[Shoo]

If it's too picky to want to be called by my actual name and to drop someone a quick line so they don't keep messing it up and then feel dumb that I waited to correct them in person, then I will gladly be too picky.

But that's my point - OP hasn't switched to calling the person by the erroneous long name.  She used it one time, in a formal document.

I give up, I don't think that people are really reading my posts.

You're saying that because the error is not likely to occur often, it's no biggie, correct?

I would agree, if it was a more distant relation. 

But it IS likely to be repeated, if it isn't corrected.  This error was made on the save-the-date cards.  And after that?  It would be the actual wedding invitations.  Then maybe the place cards at the reception.  Then the thank you notes?  There is opportunity for this mistake to be perpetuated.  That's why it's important for something like this to be nipped in the bud.

[Joeschmo]

It can be a good general rule to speak with the blood relative but in this case I think it could have created more problems. I can't imagine responding negatively to the message op sent and in my world direct contact with the person who made the mistake indicates i welcome them to my family and am comfortable enough with them to be direct.

[thedudeabides]

If it's too picky to want to be called by my actual name and to drop someone a quick line so they don't keep messing it up and then feel dumb that I waited to correct them in person, then I will gladly be too picky.

But that's my point - OP hasn't switched to calling the person by the erroneous long name.  She used it one time, in a formal document.

I give up, I don't think that people are really reading my posts.

I read them.  I just didn't agree with them.

[Jaelle]

If the person making the mistake was someone you regularly talked to in person, I'd say you should have called to let her know. Since most of your communication is online, I think you'd fine to do it that way. (Calling might have made it seem like you were upset, since you usually don't call.)

And I definitely don't think you were picky.

My legal name is often a nickname for a longer name. For whatever reason, most people don't seem to jump to the longer name for this one, though. (But my doctor did at my last office visit. Sheesh. She has a ton of formal paperwork for me and the short form is on all of them; don't you think she'd know better? )