Author Topic: How to kick out a mooching family member?  (Read 6538 times)

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Amalthea

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How to kick out a mooching family member?
« on: November 10, 2012, 09:28:51 PM »
EHell, let me finally tell you the story of the crazy that is my family.

This story stars my aunt, who lost her job after divorcing her alcoholic husband, and moved in with my mom for a couple of months to get back on her feet.  A couple of months has turned into nearly four years, during which she's gotten and lost about a dozen jobs.  Somehow she hasn't connected "calling in sick constantly" with "being fired", so despite the fact that she's been hired for several pretty well paying jobs in her field, she hasn't kept one for more than a couple of months at a time.  My mother has been financially supporting her through all of this, helping pay bills and paying for the prescription medicine my aunt takes.

So, the medicine.  The medicine is a pretty big issue because it ramps up my aunt's crazy, which does not help with the job issue.  Sometimes she's out of it to the point where no one can understand her, and she once got lost in the bathroom while the power was out.  She made friends with the drug addicts living with their grandmother across the street, and made the mistake of telling them all about her meds.  This got our house broken into.  Twice.  Despite the fact that they know my father is a police officer.  This was the last straw for my dad, and he snapped like a twig and ran her out of the house in a non-EHell approved way.  She has now moved into my grandmother's house.

My mom is currently mostly living with my grandmother because my grandmother is 90 and broke her hip in May, and my mom is a nurse.   My dad was over there a lot too until him being gone so much led to an increase in drug addict neighbor activity (they're now almost all in jail).  My aunt being at my grandmother's has upset the routine my mom had got working.  My grandmother feels like she no longer has any privacy (my mom works nights, so she would sleep during the day between appointments and such so my grandmother could still feel kind of like she lived alone), and my aunt takes offence to everything making everyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells around her.

My aunt and my mom had a huge fight right after my grandmother broke her hip.  My mom was taking care of her during the day and working at night, so she was beyond exhausted.  My aunt was kind of hanging on to a job that paid pretty well, but she decided that she needed some surgery to test for something.  It wasn't an emergency, and taking that time off would cause her to lose her job, so my mom asked her to wait for a better time to do it.  My aunt snapped and called my mother a cold hearted Female Dog, and brought up the fact that my mom never had contact with their biological mother (who my mom did not remember from childhood and did not seek out as an adult.  She considered my grandmother to be her mother) before she died.  If I wasn't 7,000 miles away, this would have been my last straw and I would have ran her out myself (this happened about four months before the break ins).  How could anyone say that to the person who's been supporting them and giving them a place to live for four years?

My mom is no longer paying my aunts bills, but doesn't have the heart to totally run her out.  But she's stressing everyone out and putting a huge strain on my parents marriage.  My brother and I no longer live at home, so I think we can be the bad guys.  It will most likely be my brother because I won't be there until after Christmas.  We need a way to tell her to leave now and never come back without resorting to the plan my brother has codenamed Naked Thanksgiving.

WillyNilly

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2012, 09:35:19 PM »
I think your mom should take the money she's saving by not paying aunt's bills and apply them towards hiring help to take are of her mom, and then your mom will have more time to go home to your dad. The hired nurse will likely just ignore aunt, as the nurse's job will be with grandma and her employer will be your parents, and the nurse has no relationship with aunt. Being a full time nurse and a full time caretaker is two full time jobs - not something most people can sustain for long, eventually something will have to change, might as well start now.

Two Ravens

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2012, 10:00:57 PM »
If your aunt is living with your grandmother, how exactly can you 'run her out'? Unless your grandmother is onboard with this plan, you have no control over who lives in her house.

Amalthea

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2012, 10:11:41 PM »
If your aunt is living with your grandmother, how exactly can you 'run her out'? Unless your grandmother is onboard with this plan, you have no control over who lives in her house.

My grandmother is very much like my mother.  She doesn't want her there, but doesn't have the heart to kick her out.

ETA: I should probably also point out that my grandmother has almost no short term memory and is easily confused.  My aunt being in the way and upsetting the routine is causing a lot of stress for my grandmother.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2012, 10:18:48 PM by Amalthea »

sweetonsno

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2012, 10:30:16 PM »
It's a crummy situation, but because it is your grandmother's house, I really don't think you have the right to kick your aunt out. Unless she is actually stealing from your grandmother or otherwise breaking the law, you can't really compel her to stop mooching. Only the "mooch-ee" can do that.

Amalthea

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2012, 10:48:24 PM »
I just figured it would be better for my brother or I to do it because she would focus her rage on us instead of my mom.  My mom is too nice.  I'm a terrible person.  I have a bulb of garlic instead of a heart, and my brother is very similar.  We can handle having her furious at us.  Hell, she already thinks I'm awful for moving so far away from home in the first place.

Two Ravens

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #6 on: November 10, 2012, 10:50:35 PM »
But you or your brother have no legal standing to force your Aunt out of the house, do you? You do not have the ability to make her leave.

Amalthea

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2012, 10:54:34 PM »
But you or your brother have no legal standing to force your Aunt out of the house, do you? You do not have the ability to make her leave.

This is not currently a legal issue and I do not want to make it one.

LeveeWoman

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #8 on: November 10, 2012, 11:37:31 PM »
Someone should contact the agency devoted to elder abuse.


Ms Aspasia

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #9 on: November 10, 2012, 11:47:14 PM »
I've had to do that. It was a wrenching time, and I've forgotten many of the details.  Of what I remember, Sis and I first established that TooKind did want Moocher to leave.  Sis and Moocher had a reasonable relationship, and so one of Sis's main tasks was emotional support to Moocher.  I changed the locks, listed rentals and support services for Moocher, met with Moocher to explain, gave him a cell phone with credit, and a box of groceries and personal supplies for his new abode.

Someone, I forget who, cleared out Moocher's room.  If Moocher hadn't come to collect his belongings, I was going to take them to a commercial storage place and pay for one month, then give the key to Moocher.  He did get his main things from TooKind's house.

However, four years later, and Moocher has not quite got around to removing his belongings from TooKind's garage.  I have left that one in TooKind's hands!

Good luck!

Amalthea

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #10 on: November 10, 2012, 11:53:11 PM »
Someone should contact the agency devoted to elder abuse.

Y'all, seriously?  Do we really have to skip the step of "asking her to leave" that is really what I need help with?  I want to ask her to leave without going HULK SMASH, which is what would have happened had I been there when she insulted my mother.  If she refuses to leave after that point, we'll look into legal resources.

LeveeWoman

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #11 on: November 11, 2012, 12:01:22 AM »
EHell, let me finally tell you the story of the crazy that is my family.

This story stars my aunt, who lost her job after divorcing her alcoholic husband, and moved in with my mom for a couple of months to get back on her feet.  A couple of months has turned into nearly four years, during which she's gotten and lost about a dozen jobs.  Somehow she hasn't connected "calling in sick constantly" with "being fired", so despite the fact that she's been hired for several pretty well paying jobs in her field, she hasn't kept one for more than a couple of months at a time.  My mother has been financially supporting her through all of this, helping pay bills and paying for the prescription medicine my aunt takes.

So, the medicine.  The medicine is a pretty big issue because it ramps up my aunt's crazy, which does not help with the job issue.  Sometimes she's out of it to the point where no one can understand her, and she once got lost in the bathroom while the power was out.  She made friends with the drug addicts living with their grandmother across the street, and made the mistake of telling them all about her meds.  This got our house broken into.  Twice.  Despite the fact that they know my father is a police officer.  This was the last straw for my dad, and he snapped like a twig and ran her out of the house in a non-EHell approved way.  She has now moved into my grandmother's house.

My mom is currently mostly living with my grandmother because my grandmother is 90 and broke her hip in May, and my mom is a nurse.   My dad was over there a lot too until him being gone so much led to an increase in drug addict neighbor activity (they're now almost all in jail).  My aunt being at my grandmother's has upset the routine my mom had got working.  My grandmother feels like she no longer has any privacy (my mom works nights, so she would sleep during the day between appointments and such so my grandmother could still feel kind of like she lived alone), and my aunt takes offence to everything making everyone feel like they have to walk on eggshells around her.

My aunt and my mom had a huge fight right after my grandmother broke her hip.  My mom was taking care of her during the day and working at night, so she was beyond exhausted.  My aunt was kind of hanging on to a job that paid pretty well, but she decided that she needed some surgery to test for something.  It wasn't an emergency, and taking that time off would cause her to lose her job, so my mom asked her to wait for a better time to do it.  My aunt snapped and called my mother a cold hearted Female Dog, and brought up the fact that my mom never had contact with their biological mother (who my mom did not remember from childhood and did not seek out as an adult.  She considered my grandmother to be her mother) before she died.  If I wasn't 7,000 miles away, this would have been my last straw and I would have ran her out myself (this happened about four months before the break ins).  How could anyone say that to the person who's been supporting them and giving them a place to live for four years?

My mom is no longer paying my aunts bills, but doesn't have the heart to totally run her out.  But she's stressing everyone out and putting a huge strain on my parents marriage.  My brother and I no longer live at home, so I think we can be the bad guys.  It will most likely be my brother because I won't be there until after Christmas.  We need a way to tell her to leave now and never come back without resorting to the plan my brother has codenamed Naked Thanksgiving.

I hope that SOMEONE calls the agency responsible for elder abuse.

This is beyond  the Pale.

rigs32

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #12 on: November 11, 2012, 12:14:05 AM »
Someone should contact the agency devoted to elder abuse.

Y'all, seriously?  Do we really have to skip the step of "asking her to leave" that is really what I need help with?  I want to ask her to leave without going HULK SMASH, which is what would have happened had I been there when she insulted my mother.  If she refuses to leave after that point, we'll look into legal resources.

Based on what you've said, I see about .001% chance that asking politely is going to work so why waste time.

Amalthea

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2012, 12:34:42 AM »
She has not actually done anything illegal, so I think any legal entity would require us to ask her to leave before they would further assist.  As no one has actually tried the polite spine approach because it feels mean, I would at least like to try it first.  If it fails, we'll go from there.  If my mother has to be the one to do it, she would benefit from something of a script to follow and assurance that kicking her sister out doesn't make her Queen of the Female Dogs as much or more than I would. 

Shopaholic

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Re: How to kick out a mooching family member?
« Reply #14 on: November 11, 2012, 01:14:45 AM »
Well, honestly, if your dad was so successful at it previously, why not ask him to do it again?
Aunt probably sees him as a bad guy already. This keeps Mom and Grandma in the clear and you and your brother out of it completely.

Naked Thanksgiving is a great idea, but it may just backfire. >:D