Poll

Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?

Yes, if it is important to my SO.
231 (92.8%)
No, I never met the person, I feel out of place.
2 (0.8%)
Only if it is convenient for me.
3 (1.2%)
Only if I know and respect the deceased's immediate family.
6 (2.4%)
Other
7 (2.8%)

Total Members Voted: 249

Author Topic: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?  (Read 8293 times)

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Shopaholic

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If your SO had a friend/distant relative who passed away long before you met, would you accompany him/her to an annual memorial service?

Please share why/why not.
Also, does "distance" matter - i.e. grandparent vs. second cousin once removed?

AngelicGamer

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2012, 01:30:01 AM »
I've seen this on other threads, but I agree with it.  Funerals/wakes/viking sendoffs/spreading of the ashes are for the living.  I think it would be a very nice thing to go with your SO to support him or her in their time of need.  So that's why I selected what I did.  :D




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LifeOnPluto

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2012, 02:23:44 AM »
Yes, I would go if it was important to my SO.

I must say though, I've never heard of having a annual memorial service. Is this something that happens every year? Because I'm not sure whether I'd agree to go every.single.year. Especially if travel and related costs were involved, etc.

Ereine

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2012, 02:34:01 AM »
I've accompanied my boyfriend to all sorts of things where I know nobody (like his cousin's son's wedding, I had never met the happy couple and I don't think that my boyfriend knew them well), and though I really hate it, I would probably do it for a memorial service too. Though there are limits, I probably wouldn't do it if it involved traveling for a long distance and staying the night somewhere or I had to spend a lot of money. But if it was in the same town and seemed to be important to him I would go.   

cicero

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2012, 03:30:31 AM »
i voted yes, and i want to add "only if it would not cause anyone any distress" - e.g., if i am the "second wife", i probably wouldn't go to the service of the deceased "first wife".

as ereine says, i would go to a wedding of people i don't know because it's important to my SO. So if this is important to them, i would go to a memorial.

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Luci

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2012, 05:22:53 AM »
Annual memorial service? I have never heard of that.

I'm curious about who would do that. There would be more than one a week at this point. I didn't vote.

I do go to funerals of people I don't know.

Sophia

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2012, 09:15:47 AM »
I read "memorial service" as "funeral", so the answer was Yes.  It is automatic that I would go.  I've even gone to the gathering of the closest at house afterward.  Been extremely out of place and bored, but that is what you do. 

Annual memorial service?  I wouldn't go to one if it were my relative.  If it were immediate enough that I wanted to do something every year, I wouldn't a bunch of people.  So, I don't even understand the concept of an annual memorial service.

Two Ravens

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2012, 09:19:43 AM »
I am not quite sure what is meant by "annual memorial service" either. Are you talking about something like a Memorial Mass? (In the RCC, a mass can be dedicated to a person that had passed away, but it is also a regular church service). Yes, I would go to a memorial pass in honor of someone my husband cared about, and he goes with to those in honor of my relatives.

SleepyKitty

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2012, 10:01:03 AM »
My family has something like an annual memorial service - once a year, on the anniversary of my mom's death, the priest comes and blesses her grave. He says a short prayer, sprinkles some holy water on the grave, and then leaves. The immediate family (or whomever wants to come) hangs out for a little while (30 minutes tops, usually more like 15-20) and talks about my mom, just generally sharing memories and anything related to her. Then we go out for lunch.

It's a pretty casual thing, so someone's SO would be welcome, but since it's an annual tradition, it's not like any of us need their support like we would at a funeral. It's really an event designed for the immediate family. The SO would probably feel a little awkward as we all hung out around the grave, but overall I would see this particular circumstance as being a non-issue. They could come, or not.

ETA: By immediate family, I mean my sister/brother (my mom's kids) and my grandma and uncle (mom's mom and brother). So this is not a large group of people - usually six or seven people show up a year, depending on circumstances.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2012, 10:03:00 AM by SleepyKitty »

cicero

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #9 on: November 11, 2012, 10:26:21 AM »
Annual memorial service? I have never heard of that.

I'm curious about who would do that. There would be more than one a week at this point. I didn't vote.

I do go to funerals of people I don't know.
It's a Jewish custom - different groups do it differently, but at the least there is a special prayer in the synagogue, and the close family will go to the cemetery. Other customs will add a larger "event" - maybe including learning religious/spiritual texts, holding a lecture, etc - and sometimes a meal for all those who come. It's usually a "bigger" event on the first year anniversary (because that is when the family is officially 'out of mourning'), and more people will come the first year, but in some circles it is done every year (usually only the very close family /friends will come after the first year)

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Mental Magpie

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #10 on: November 11, 2012, 12:36:55 PM »
I would do just about anything for my SO if it really was that important to him, so going to a memorial service with him would not be out of the question.  If it was important to him, I would suspect that he needed the support of me being there with him; why on earth would I refuse him that?
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

camlan

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #11 on: November 11, 2012, 12:40:46 PM »
I'd go to the funeral and the first anniversary service. After that, I'd go if requested, if it were possible. I'm not sure I'd take time off from work and fly across the country for the annual service, but if it were relatively close I'd go if possible.
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Tia2

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #12 on: November 11, 2012, 12:54:11 PM »
I'd go to a funeral to support my (hypothetical) SO.  For an annual memorial service, things like cost and time off work would be taken into account, but if my SO really wanted me there and this was reasonable, I'd try to manage it. 

I'd be going for the sake of my SO, not the deceased or the deceased's family, so I'd also take that into account (if there are only 50 seats for example, I think people who are there for the deceased should take priority over people who are there to support a mourner).

SpikeMichigan

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2012, 12:58:44 PM »

 I am not in a couple, but I would vote NO unless it was really important to the person I was accompanying. And even then, I'd be very very uncomfortable, though I wouldn't voice this (my hypothetical SO would probably know my stance, however)

  Interestingly, the few times I've voiced my total lack of comfort towards attending a funeral/memorial for someone I never met, I've been met with opposition - maybe I'm in the wrong. Still, the very idea makes me very uncomfortable.

Jones

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #14 on: November 11, 2012, 01:00:28 PM »
DH won't go with me if he didn't know/wasn't connected to the deceased. He has chosen to comfort me at home before and after. So far that has worked out OK. That said, I would go with him if circumstances were flipped, if he asked me to.