Poll

Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?

Yes, if it is important to my SO.
231 (92.8%)
No, I never met the person, I feel out of place.
2 (0.8%)
Only if it is convenient for me.
3 (1.2%)
Only if I know and respect the deceased's immediate family.
6 (2.4%)
Other
7 (2.8%)

Total Members Voted: 249

Author Topic: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?  (Read 8786 times)

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jmarvellous

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #15 on: November 11, 2012, 01:28:02 PM »
I would go, but I also would expect him not to ask unless it was really, really important to him. He had a friend die when we'd been together about 5 months, and he didn't fly across the country for that, for example.

He and I both have very little time off in the larger sense of things, so it's necessary to be selective about what we do on the spur of the moment. Certainly, I'd respect his wishes.

Shopaholic

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #16 on: November 11, 2012, 02:07:24 PM »

It's a Jewish custom - different groups do it differently, but at the least there is a special prayer in the synagogue, and the close family will go to the cemetery. Other customs will add a larger "event" - maybe including learning religious/spiritual texts, holding a lecture, etc - and sometimes a meal for all those who come. It's usually a "bigger" event on the first year anniversary (because that is when the family is officially 'out of mourning'), and more people will come the first year, but in some circles it is done every year (usually only the very close family /friends will come after the first year)

Thanks, cicero, for answering before I got around to it.
My family is orthodoxically secular, so we just visit the grave, place some flowers, observe a moment of silence and then go eat. Actually, with most Jewish families I know food is a big part of it.

My husband was invited to his uncle's (by marriage) anniversary "service" recently. He passed away many years before we met. I don't know if the widow does this event every year, but DH has only been "invited" two or three times since we've been together, and attended twice in the past six years. The widow has some short speeches, a poetry reading and usually someone to sing a song or two (so I've heard).

I saw no reason to go with him for the following reasons (in no particular order):
1. I did not know the deceased.
2. I do not have a close relationship with the widow.
3. Neither of my SILs have EVER gone.
4. These things are not very important to my husband. In fact, last year I went to his relative's memorial service when he himself didn't.
5. I had other plans.
6. He does not join me at every family event.

If it were a grandparent, I probably would have joined him. If it were a close friend, I probably would have joined him had he asked (he wouldn't have).

It's interesting, everyone I ask around here seems to think I had no reason to go with him. But all your answers make me feel like a bad person...

Sharnita

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #17 on: November 11, 2012, 02:12:41 PM »
I don't have a SO so take this with a grain of salt - original memorial service, yes.  Annual - it might depend.  On their relationship, on the "mood" of the service" - does it send people out do do something positive in memory of the deceased, etc.  It might also depend on scheduling, travel, etc.  Also, how long do you do this? 5 years, 10 years, 30 years?

cicero

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #18 on: November 11, 2012, 02:23:00 PM »

It's a Jewish custom - different groups do it differently, but at the least there is a special prayer in the synagogue, and the close family will go to the cemetery. Other customs will add a larger "event" - maybe including learning religious/spiritual texts, holding a lecture, etc - and sometimes a meal for all those who come. It's usually a "bigger" event on the first year anniversary (because that is when the family is officially 'out of mourning'), and more people will come the first year, but in some circles it is done every year (usually only the very close family /friends will come after the first year)

Thanks, cicero, for answering before I got around to it.
My family is orthodoxically secular, so we just visit the grave, place some flowers, observe a moment of silence and then go eat. Actually, with most Jewish families I know food is a big part of it.

My husband was invited to his uncle's (by marriage) anniversary "service" recently. He passed away many years before we met. I don't know if the widow does this event every year, but DH has only been "invited" two or three times since we've been together, and attended twice in the past six years. The widow has some short speeches, a poetry reading and usually someone to sing a song or two (so I've heard).

I saw no reason to go with him for the following reasons (in no particular order):
1. I did not know the deceased.
2. I do not have a close relationship with the widow.
3. Neither of my SILs have EVER gone.
4. These things are not very important to my husband. In fact, last year I went to his relative's memorial service when he himself didn't.
5. I had other plans.
6. He does not join me at every family event.

If it were a grandparent, I probably would have joined him. If it were a close friend, I probably would have joined him had he asked (he wouldn't have).

It's interesting, everyone I ask around here seems to think I had no reason to go with him. But all your answers make me feel like a bad person...
I don't thin you are a bad person for *not* going, I don't think there is anything wrong with you *yes* going.

Personally, if *my* (non existent) SO would *ask* me to go - i would. when i was married, i went to his relative's weddings and bar mitsvahs, even when HE wasn't able to go - but if i *couldn't* have gone at the time, i wouldn't think i was in the wrong. so - going gets you extra points, but not going doesn't deduct points. at least in my opinion...

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Mental Magpie

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #19 on: November 11, 2012, 02:27:03 PM »

It's a Jewish custom - different groups do it differently, but at the least there is a special prayer in the synagogue, and the close family will go to the cemetery. Other customs will add a larger "event" - maybe including learning religious/spiritual texts, holding a lecture, etc - and sometimes a meal for all those who come. It's usually a "bigger" event on the first year anniversary (because that is when the family is officially 'out of mourning'), and more people will come the first year, but in some circles it is done every year (usually only the very close family /friends will come after the first year)

Thanks, cicero, for answering before I got around to it.
My family is orthodoxically secular, so we just visit the grave, place some flowers, observe a moment of silence and then go eat. Actually, with most Jewish families I know food is a big part of it.

My husband was invited to his uncle's (by marriage) anniversary "service" recently. He passed away many years before we met. I don't know if the widow does this event every year, but DH has only been "invited" two or three times since we've been together, and attended twice in the past six years. The widow has some short speeches, a poetry reading and usually someone to sing a song or two (so I've heard).

I saw no reason to go with him for the following reasons (in no particular order):
1. I did not know the deceased.
2. I do not have a close relationship with the widow.
3. Neither of my SILs have EVER gone.
4. These things are not very important to my husband. In fact, last year I went to his relative's memorial service when he himself didn't.
5. I had other plans.
6. He does not join me at every family event.

If it were a grandparent, I probably would have joined him. If it were a close friend, I probably would have joined him had he asked (he wouldn't have).

It's interesting, everyone I ask around here seems to think I had no reason to go with him. But all your answers make me feel like a bad person...

I think you're missing the point of many of our posts: if our SO thought it was important and asked us.  Yours does not and did not, so why would you go?  You're perfectly in the clear, I think.
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miranova

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #20 on: November 11, 2012, 05:48:58 PM »
I voted before I realized it was an annual event.  That would have totally changed my vote.  Initial memorial:  yes, I will go with my SO unless there is some pressing reason that I can't (such as one of us must stay with the children or something like that).  Annual memorial:  definitely depends on many other factors such as distance, how well I know the other mourners, how much my SO wants me to go etc. 

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #21 on: November 11, 2012, 07:19:27 PM »
I'd go to the funeral and the first anniversary service. After that, I'd go if requested, if it were possible. I'm not sure I'd take time off from work and fly across the country for the annual service, but if it were relatively close I'd go if possible.

I agree.
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MariaE

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #22 on: November 12, 2012, 02:07:57 AM »
I voted before I realized it was an annual event.  That would have totally changed my vote.  Initial memorial:  yes, I will go with my SO unless there is some pressing reason that I can't (such as one of us must stay with the children or something like that).  Annual memorial:  definitely depends on many other factors such as distance, how well I know the other mourners, how much my SO wants me to go etc.

Same here. And I POD miranova.
 
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Bijou

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #23 on: November 12, 2012, 02:18:28 AM »
Just plain yes.  He does the same for me.
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Margo

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #24 on: November 12, 2012, 04:45:47 AM »
It depends. Such services are for the living, so if my (hypothetical) So wanted me there, I'd go, if it were possible.

I think that the closness of the relationship with the deceased would probably make a difference - the closer they were,the more likely the SO is to want/need support (even if it is mianly for practical things, such as being able to drive / book accommodation etc)

I don't however, thinkthere is anything wrong with not going - I thinkhowever that this is very much a 'your mileage may vary' diffierent people will have very different expectations and needs about what is, or isn't expected or 'normal', so I'd see this as being very much about the individual relationship


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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #25 on: November 12, 2012, 07:01:04 AM »



I went with my DH to his uncle's funeral even though he hadn't seen him for 15-20 years. I think he only went because his father was there.  :-\
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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #26 on: November 12, 2012, 09:00:53 AM »
I would if it was important to my husband. He would do the same for me.
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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #27 on: November 13, 2012, 02:55:19 PM »
Buddhists do anniversary or individual memorial services all the time, but either they are big general things like Equinoxal or mid-Summer memorial services in which anyone may participate, or private services done as part of a regular service, where, again, anyone may participate on behalf of any decedent; or just privately, at home.  Private anniversary-type exclusive memorial services can often be set up whenever one likes, but are not common.  Some temples have regularly scheduled memorial services separate from other services, but those are also open to anyone who wants their decedent to be so remembered.  Buddhist memorial services are not sad or solemn, generally, and tend to be fun, leaving people feeling good, happy, and connected to their deceased loved ones. Food after is entirely optional.
I go if the Prof wants me to, and he for me, to a first (following the death, formal and exclusive) memorial service if possible, but in fact, because of the way we do things, I will almost certainly be at subsequent ones, anyway.

SiotehCat

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #28 on: November 13, 2012, 06:07:04 PM »
If my DH wanted/needed me there, then I would go.

O'Dell

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Re: Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?
« Reply #29 on: November 13, 2012, 10:14:23 PM »
I voted other because it depends. In a situation like yours, I think it can be viewed as a family event which just happens to be a memorial. For my family, funerals/memorials are opportunities for distant relatives to see one another when they otherwise don't.

But it sounds like that isn't the case here. So with all the other factors, I too see you as being in the clear.

I initially thought your question had to do with people that you had no connection to at all, such as the funerals/memorials that my husband attended for coworkers and coworkers spouses. I've never gone to those and would vote that I wouldn't go.
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