Do you accompany your SO to memorial services for people you never met?

[Quest_]

If it was the annual memorial service of someone who had passed away before I was with my partner, I may feel a bit intrusive, but I would without question go if he asked me to.

[Minmom3]

I went to an Uncle's funeral with my father because he wanted the moral support.  It was his last brother.  I had never met any of that family, because his entire family wanted nothing to do with me or my mother after she divorced him.  I had to pay for my airfare because I was flying in from California and Dad was flying in from Connecticut.  We stayed at the house of a cousin I had never met.  I met GOBS of cousins new to me, and I had a good time.  But it was pretty odd, because they all had history I had no part in, of both themselves and our grandparents.  I would not have gone without the request from my father.

[Sterling]

If my SO wanted me there I would go.

[ladyknight1]

Yes, I have done this for DH since we first started dating and he has reciprocated. I think it is supportive of one's SO. However, if DH did not ask me to attend, I would abstain.

[katycoo]

To a funeral, yes I would.  Particularly so if DH asked me to.

An annual memorial service, probably not.  Surely the hurt of loss fades to an extent where he can attend a memorial gathering without my support.

[kherbert05]

It meant a lot when my sister's inlaws came to Dad's Memorial service. They had literally met him 1 time. It meant a lot that they came. Funerals are about the living not the dead. IF an SO or friend needed my support I would be there.


 

[otterwoman]

DH and I recently went to the memorial service for DH's sister's husband's grandmother. We had never met her or BIL's parents before. But the look on BIL's face when we walked in let us know we'd made the right decision. We were the only people from his wife's family to come. We met his parents. A week or so later we received a lovely note thanking us for coming.

I believe services are for the living, I will attend to support the grieving person.

[JacklynHyde]

Sadly, I met the majority of my FIL's family at his mother's funeral.  She and I had only spoken on the phone once, when DH called her to let her know he was engaged (she insisted he pass the phone to me).  She passed away soon after.  Going to her memorial service was a way to honor the family I was entering.  FIL's family was happy that I was there to support them and to be a minor distraction of happiness on a sad day.

[Eeep!]

I hinged my answer on the "important to my SO" part.  While I would be less inclined to want to go to one for someone I've never met, or to go on an annual basis, if my DH told me that it was important to him, I would go. Because I know that if he actually were to tell me it was important, it truly would be, regardless of if I really understood the reasoning. Now if he just wanted me to go so he would have someone to talk to? I would likely be less inclined, especially for an annual event.

[Sterling]

I answered a while back about this but now I have a story.

My father died a year before I met my now husband.  It will be 4 years this April that he passed.  He was cremated and eventually my mother had his ashed buried on the family farm.

The farm is being sold and my mother plans to move my fathers ashes this year on the anniversary of his death and have them placed in the same vault as my grandfathers ashes.  It won't be a huge service but my family will be there and I expect my husband to be there as well.  I am sure some may think 4 years is long enough to be "over it" and not need the support anymore but the fact is it still hurts.  I think about the fact my father never met my husband.  He wasn't at my grad school graduation.  He wasn't at my wedding this past summer and I cried leading up to the wedding because of that.  Now I am pregnant with my first child and my father isn't here to coach me through labor like his did my sister and my son will never meet the greatest man I have ever known.

So yeah if your SO wants your support at a service, even years after the fact, I think you should go. 

[katycoo]

I answered a while back about this but now I have a story.

My father died a year before I met my now husband.  It will be 4 years this April that he passed.  He was cremated and eventually my mother had his ashed buried on the family farm.

The farm is being sold and my mother plans to move my fathers ashes this year on the anniversary of his death and have them placed in the same vault as my grandfathers ashes.  It won't be a huge service but my family will be there and I expect my husband to be there as well.  I am sure some may think 4 years is long enough to be "over it" and not need the support anymore but the fact is it still hurts.  I think about the fact my father never met my husband.  He wasn't at my grad school graduation.  He wasn't at my wedding this past summer and I cried leading up to the wedding because of that.  Now I am pregnant with my first child and my father isn't here to coach me through labor like his did my sister and my son will never meet the greatest man I have ever known.

So yeah if your SO wants your support at a service, even years after the fact, I think you should go.

The difference for me here is that it is your father.  And this is a one-off particular event.

If it was an Aunt or other more distant relative, and my husband went to a celebration every year, then by 4 years I would feel excused from the obligation of attending.

[Sterling]

Maybe but if it is really important to your husband that you be there does that not matter?  I get that these things can be boring but is it not worth putting up with if it is important to your husband?

[katycoo]

Maybe but if it is really important to your husband that you be there does that not matter?  I get that these things can be boring but is it not worth putting up with if it is important to your husband?

It does.  So then other factors come into play.  Is my attendance easy?  Eg. is it relatively nearby on a weekend or am I going to have to buy a plane ticket and stay in a hotel room and take 3 days off work?  Can we afford that every year, for us both to go? Would my attendance one year mean missing something which is important to me?

I respect my husband's feelings enormously, but they are not necessarily the be all and end all of decisions.  If it was easy and pretty much free to attend I would go yearly providing I did not have an equally important to me conflict.  Otherwise some compromise would have to be reached.

[Winterlight]

Maybe but if it is really important to your husband that you be there does that not matter?  I get that these things can be boring but is it not worth putting up with if it is important to your husband?

It does.  So then other factors come into play.  Is my attendance easy?  Eg. is it relatively nearby on a weekend or am I going to have to buy a plane ticket and stay in a hotel room and take 3 days off work?  Can we afford that every year, for us both to go? Would my attendance one year mean missing something which is important to me?

I respect my husband's feelings enormously, but they are not necessarily the be all and end all of decisions.  If it was easy and pretty much free to attend I would go yearly providing I did not have an equally important to me conflict.  Otherwise some compromise would have to be reached.

This. If it's a local event that means two hours on a weekend, that's easily managable. If it requires a plane ride or a day's drive, a hotel room and time off, then that's another kettle of fish.