Author Topic: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....  (Read 7926 times)

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rose red

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #15 on: November 12, 2012, 05:58:47 PM »
Oooh, can I vouch for the ramifications.  When we purchased our house, my in-laws flat-out asked us for a key.  I told them that they did not need a key as I knew that it meant drop-ins whenever they felt like it.  Due to their need for food and drink and a spotless house when they were visiting, this is not something I wanted to sign myself up for.

Well, they took it as "we are not welcome in Cattlekid's home EVER" and spread that message around to their entire extended family.  So now, just because I didn't want uninvited drop-ins, I'm looked at like the most rude person who ever walked the planet. 

Moral of the story:  tread wisely.

Now I'm picturing Marie Barone.  You know, the TV character who read her sons' teenage private diaries and later took over their adult homes.  (quote) Robert: "Grandma's here?"  Grand-daughter Ally:  "Grandma's always here."

If the relatives believe her, so be it.  It's better than having her and those relatives snooping in your home whenever they wish.

peaches

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #16 on: November 12, 2012, 06:30:11 PM »

Well, they took it as "we are not welcome in Cattlekid's home EVER" and spread that message around to their entire extended family.  So now, just because I didn't want uninvited drop-ins, I'm looked at like the most rude person who ever walked the planet. 

Moral of the story:  tread wisely.



It's not your fault they reacted this way (obviously), and I fail to see how you could have prevented it. They are the rude ones, spreading gossip within the family and making disparaging remarks. You were just standing up for legitimate preferences. 

It's possible that someone within the family feels the same way as you do, but has never had the courage to say so. You've set an example of a different way to do things, one that's respectful of others' feelings.
You sound like a breath of fresh air in that family to me.


« Last Edit: November 12, 2012, 06:49:45 PM by peaches »

nuit93

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #17 on: November 12, 2012, 06:40:12 PM »
Oooh, can I vouch for the ramifications.  When we purchased our house, my in-laws flat-out asked us for a key.  I told them that they did not need a key as I knew that it meant drop-ins whenever they felt like it.  Due to their need for food and drink and a spotless house when they were visiting, this is not something I wanted to sign myself up for.

Well, they took it as "we are not welcome in Cattlekid's home EVER" and spread that message around to their entire extended family.  So now, just because I didn't want uninvited drop-ins, I'm looked at like the most rude person who ever walked the planet. 

Moral of the story:  tread wisely.

If someone drops by without warning or asking first, you do not have to let them in the house. It is perfectly polite to stand in the doorway, blocking them from entering and tell them that you are very sorry, but you have plans and unfortunately, there's no time to visit with them, so they have to leave.

Now, in most families, there will be some ramifications from this. You need to balance that fallout with how you give the message. Some people are fine with drop-bys; others are not. So the newly arrived family members might need some training. I would do as NyaChan suggests and bring up the failed drop-by visit and tell them flat-out that drop-by visits don't work for you, and you'd much rather schedule time to see them.

Well, did they specifically ask for a key to *your* house?  Because the evil side of me would have given them some random key and said "well, you didn't specify what you wanted a key TO".

bopper

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #18 on: November 12, 2012, 07:08:40 PM »
"I am sorry you stopped by and we weren't there.  I think it would work best if you call before you come so we can make sure we are there and have nothing else planned so we can spend the time with you."

Make it seem like you are doing them a favor!

kherbert05

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #19 on: November 12, 2012, 10:09:08 PM »
Yes, I was wary of coming home to a house completely rearranged or God knows what else.  FIL is a flea market junkie and loves to gift his "finds" to relatives.  With a key and unfettered access, I can only imagine what kind of stuff he would haul over to our house.



Happened to friend of mine. They came home from their Honeymoon to a redecorated house. All traces of friend's family and history were removed because they shouldn't have pictures of "strangers up in the house". Thankfully the husband has a spine. Things were put back where they belonged and the MIL was told never to do it again, and that they had changed the locks.

A few months later the MIL decided to believe the lying X over my friend (about friend's stepdaughter attending a family destination wedding. Lying X was planning on secretly getting married that same weekend. Instead of telling anyone, she told friend and her DH the child could not go - but told the MIL that she told friend that the child could go, but friend didn't want to take the child.). The husband cut off his family until they apologized for calling his wife a liar. They toe the line now.
Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future

Phoebelion

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #20 on: November 13, 2012, 06:53:45 AM »
Another reason to not give MIL a key - snooping thru financial stuff.

DS and DDIL got a call from her Mom wanting to know where DS got all the money that was in a savings account that had only son's name on it (was advised by attorney due to money being from a childhood  insurance settlement - DDIL knew all about it).

Locks were changed without advising MIL.  Boy, was she surprised the next time she tried to snoop.  Caused quite a row - DS has spine that doesn't bend at all.
 

smroy724

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #21 on: November 13, 2012, 12:37:00 PM »
We used to have visitors that "dropped by" all the time (we live within walking distance of many of my in-laws) - as in walk in without knocking and then laugh when I jumped a mile high when they walked up behind me in the kitchen.

For other reasons, we agreed to get a door lock that can be opened by combination...
Side benefit - those who dropped by all of the time before... don't anymore. 
I guess they don't like having to knock and wait until we answer the door.
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The big day is fast approaching - 10/9/10.

emwithme

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #22 on: November 13, 2012, 02:46:10 PM »
My grandma used to keep a hat by the front door.  She'd put it on when there was an unexpected knock.

If it was someone she wanted to entertain, she would say "Oh, I've just got in" and take her hat off and make a pot of tea.

If it was someone she didn't want to entertain, she would say "Oh, I'm just going out" and therefore have a ready-made excuse not to engage.

BeagleMommy

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #23 on: November 13, 2012, 02:55:53 PM »
OP, if the family mentions you not being home I would simply say "Oh, yes, we were out.  It would be best if you called before dropping by."

If they just "drop by" while you are home you could say "Oh, dear.  Sorry, I'm in the middle of waxing the dog.  Be sure to call next time." and close the door.

squashedfrog

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #24 on: November 14, 2012, 07:59:18 AM »
My grandma used to keep a hat by the front door.  She'd put it on when there was an unexpected knock.

If it was someone she wanted to entertain, she would say "Oh, I've just got in" and take her hat off and make a pot of tea.

If it was someone she didn't want to entertain, she would say "Oh, I'm just going out" and therefore have a ready-made excuse not to engage.

For the win!

VorFemme

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #25 on: November 14, 2012, 08:47:27 AM »
My grandma used to keep a hat by the front door.  She'd put it on when there was an unexpected knock.

If it was someone she wanted to entertain, she would say "Oh, I've just got in" and take her hat off and make a pot of tea.

If it was someone she didn't want to entertain, she would say "Oh, I'm just going out" and therefore have a ready-made excuse not to engage.

For the win!

I read a 1950s book where the female lead had a basket by the door for the same reason - if she was busy, then she was just heading out to the market & if she was fine with company - then she'd say that she was putting the basket by the door so she'd remember it later in the day when she was going to go out shopping. 
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Minmom3

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #26 on: November 14, 2012, 01:17:30 PM »
I knew somebody who was getting romantic with her boyfriend/husband (don't recall) when her parents walked in friends home.  Friend did not interrupt 'action', and parents walked into the room and did an abrupt about face and left.  When they tried to 'gently chide' her for that surprise, she reminded them that they had chosen to drop by unannounced, failed to knock, and were on their own as regards said shock.  If they would like to avoid the shock in the future, they were welcome to come over when mutually planned by everybody involved...  This, apparently, did the trick!   >:D
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Honey

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #27 on: November 14, 2012, 03:02:55 PM »
I absolutely hate unexpected visits.  Luckily DH and my families live too far away for this to really happen.  But, you know what else I hate?  The in-laws traipsing and snooping through parts of my house that they have no business being in (i.e., master bedroom, home office, etc.).  I discovered this to be a problem during our first family visit after moving into our new home.  I put my foot down with DH and told him that his family was not welcome back in our home until he installed a key lock on our master bedroom door.  I was at least going to have some privacy.  I even went to Home Depot and bought the new door knob kit for him.  I only wish I could have seen MIL's face the next time she visited and discovered she could not get into our master bedroom!!  ;D

Carpathia

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #28 on: November 15, 2012, 04:55:12 PM »
I think you mostly have to be direct with people and tell them that you need some warning/arrangement in advance rather than popping in. There's nothing inherently wrong with drop-bys as long as both parties are quite happy about it - but I've discovered that people who do enjoy unexpected visits/visiting are often a bit nonplussed when someone else says they hate that.

On the subject of keys, DH gave one to his aunt and years ago when the children were babies she used to come over and let herself in whenever she pleased without calling first. The worst things about it was that I was generally at home and the house was generally a mess (two kids under 14 months) and on several occasions all three of us were napping. I would wake and go into the other room to find her sitting with a cup of tea!

The fact that she criticised my parenting snidely and obliquely at every opportunity meant that I couldn't stand her (still can't) which really added insult to injury. I learnt to leave my own key in the inside of the door so she had to knock.

Jones

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Re: Preventing the unexpected "drop by"....
« Reply #29 on: November 15, 2012, 05:56:12 PM »
Recently I was home with the children. We were in the master bath/bedroom, with the door to the rest of the house shut. We'd each taken a turn in the bathtub and were on the bed in various states of undress (is it counted as undress if it's pajamas and a robe?), having a very casual evening, watching a cartoon when I heard what sounded like a car door. I peaked out the window and saw MIL and Step-FIL driving away from our home. Shocked, as there had been no knock or "hello" that I had heard, I called DH, who called them. They had stopped by for a visit, come into the house, realized the kids and I were shut in the bedroom and decided to peacefully leave rather than bother us.

MIL has since been very good about calling first. I was just grateful they hadn't let themselves into the bedroom.