Author Topic: Skinny Shaming (long)  (Read 7839 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Mental Magpie

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4830
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #15 on: November 12, 2012, 09:43:21 PM »
I wouldn't go to the instructors at this point because you haven't said anything to her. Next time look her right in the eye and say "You make a lot of comments about my body and it makes me uncomfortable. Please stop." If she argues "What? I said you were little. Most people would take that as a compliment!" just reiterate "It makes me uncomfortable." and keep saying that. I'd give it two, maybe 3 more times and then I'd go to an instructor. Hopefully it won't come to that.

I agree with this.  You aren't going to change her mind on your size, but you might be able to change her behavior.  So don't address the opinion she's expressing just that she's expressing it.  I would be a bit more... baiting?  Aggressive?  I'm not sure the word but I'd publicly call her out "why are you so obsessed with my body?" "you make a lot of comments about my body, its very uncomfortable." "please stop checking out my body and commenting on it." It won't change her mind but it will probably embarrass her enough to stop making comments to you, or behind your back.

I thought about that, but I wasn't sure exactly how to execute it.  Perhaps, "Why do you keep making comments about my body?"  If she says, "Because you're little," I would say, "So you've said, numerous times, so why?"
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21246
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #16 on: November 12, 2012, 09:48:44 PM »
I might even mention that if the "little" inmates figure out her weakness she is dead meat.

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8349
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #17 on: November 12, 2012, 09:48:55 PM »
OP, if we share a house and your room is 12 x 12 and my room is 12 x 10, my room is smaller, right.  They might be the same lenght but one is basically a bit skinnier.  It isn't a character flaw or anything, despite the fact that she talks like it is.

I know it's not a character flaw, despite her acting like it is, I just think you and I define it a little bit differently.  I am smaller only in one aspect, not all aspects, but she is focusing on all aspects, I think, to keep me from realizing it is about my weight.

See, when I read the post, it really does seem to be about all aspects. Whether it's because she has funhouse mirrors in her brain and genuinely perceives you as short and small-boned compared to her, or whether she just latches onto some random thing to tease people about, it doesn't seem to be primarily about weight. I don't know what her deal is.

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5355
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #18 on: November 12, 2012, 09:49:18 PM »
I wouldn't go to the instructors at this point because you haven't said anything to her. Next time look her right in the eye and say "You make a lot of comments about my body and it makes me uncomfortable. Please stop." If she argues "What? I said you were little. Most people would take that as a compliment!" just reiterate "It makes me uncomfortable." and keep saying that. I'd give it two, maybe 3 more times and then I'd go to an instructor. Hopefully it won't come to that.

I agree with this.  You aren't going to change her mind on your size, but you might be able to change her behavior.  So don't address the opinion she's expressing just that she's expressing it.  I would be a bit more... baiting?  Aggressive?  I'm not sure the word but I'd publicly call her out "why are you so obsessed with my body?" "you make a lot of comments about my body, its very uncomfortable." "please stop checking out my body and commenting on it." It won't change her mind but it will probably embarrass her enough to stop making comments to you, or behind your back.

I thought about that, but I wasn't sure exactly how to execute it.  Perhaps, "Why do you keep making comments about my body?"  If she says, "Because you're little," I would say, "So you've said, numerous times, so why?"

If you want to have a discussion about your body and/or her issues with it that'd be the way to go. If you just want her to stop I stand by my original advice.  ;)

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5355
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #19 on: November 12, 2012, 09:49:51 PM »
I might even mention that if the "little" inmates figure out her weakness she is dead meat.

That, too!

ccnumber4

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2036
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #20 on: November 12, 2012, 09:52:48 PM »
Did you say you will not be going to work at the same facility that she is?  If so, I would just get through this training and be done with her.  I would not complain about something like this to the instructors at a Department of Corrections Basic Training.  That is likely to backfire and give you a reputation that may follow you. 

I know people who do this.  My best friend likes to refer often to the fact that she is "barely 100 pounds!"  And I've had people say roughly the same types of things to me that you are experiencing.  Makes no difference to me, I'm secure in who I am.  I say ignore it. 

SamiHami

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2861
  • No! Iz mai catnip! You no can haz! YOU NO CAN HAZ!
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #21 on: November 12, 2012, 10:57:56 PM »
It may not be exactly ehell correct, but after her next comment I would suggest rolling your eyes and saying something along the lines of, "Your constant comments about my size are really becoming creepy. If you have a crush on me, I'm not interested. If you are jealous of me, go on a diet. Whatever it is, just get over it already." After that, I would not speak to her unless absolutely necessary.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

Shopaholic

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1699
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #22 on: November 13, 2012, 12:03:29 AM »
I thought of a few responses, not sure all of them are EHell approved:

1. "Yes, I am. Now let's get back to training."
2. "So you've said. I am thinner than you, we have established that fact. That's the way Deity made me/genetics works. Now can you let it go?"
3. "Oh, honey, you've got it backwards - it's not me that's little, it's you that's big!"

I do think you should stop arguing with her, it's getting you nowhere. I don't think there's something to go to the instructors about either.
She has some insecurities, that's for sure. Don't get sucked into her vortex.

LA lady

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 73
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #23 on: November 13, 2012, 07:42:26 AM »
MM, I think  you are giving her remarks far more attention than they deserves.  The first thing you should do is stop counter-arguing with her.  Dismiss her remarks for the silliness they are, when it fits, and tell her to stop commenting on your body.  Tell her this in the moment, in front of the same people she makes her comments in front of.  She will only be embarrassed if she chooses to embarrass herself by making her remarks in front of other people.

Sometime during the second week, I needed to get by her.  I said, "Excuse me," and she stood her ground.  Jessica said, "Nope, you can't get past me."  It was obviously a game, so I didn't mind, but I did eventually get past her, smiling, and said, "Ha, I got past you!"  Her reply?  "Yeah, because you're skinny."

MM:  "You say that like it's a bad thing." 

Quote
Michael was showing her things by using me, and once she did it on me, she said, "You're too little.  I can't bring my elbows in like that, you're just too little."
 

MM:  "Better work on that, then.  You won't get to choose the size of the offenders you have to deal with."

Quote
She searches me out then finds a way to work how small she thinks I am into the conversation.  It's getting exhausting.

"Co-worker, you make a lot of comments about my body.  Please stop."
 
After that, you can upgrade to "Co-worker, you keep making comments about my body.  It is rude, unnecessary, and inappropriate to the workplace.  Don't do it again."

I recommend that you avoid the phrase, "It makes me uncomfortable," as that is exactly what she intends to do, and you will just be feeding her behavior.

BarensMom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2475
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #24 on: November 13, 2012, 08:25:55 AM »
Sounds like you might need to use the magic phrases:  Hostile Work Environment or Workplace Harassment.

petal

  • Dancing Queen
  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2659
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #25 on: November 13, 2012, 09:05:02 AM »
at this stage of the game i think id be saying straight out to Jessica  "cut it out, i dont want to hear anymore comments about my weight or build"

i know you say you'll be able to deal with comments from prisoners but workmates are different. as i see it,  prisoners will make a lot worse comments about your weight (and many many other things. 
they will be tougher to deal with so if youre having difficulties with colleagues  then maybe some assertiveness training is the way to go?

Oh Joy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1224
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #26 on: November 13, 2012, 09:13:20 AM »
I spent many years in an enforement environment, so I preface this response with the disclaimer that what is considered polite and appropriate here may not be considered polite and appropriate elsewhere.

Would your dynamics and culture support a pocket phrase such as, 'It's not going to change - get over it,' delivered directly but lightly and with a bit of a smile?  It sounds confrontational, but it would not be considered so in places I've trained when working with people from one's own department or class.

Best wishes.

WillyNilly

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #27 on: November 13, 2012, 09:28:19 AM »
I wouldn't go to the instructors at this point because you haven't said anything to her. Next time look her right in the eye and say "You make a lot of comments about my body and it makes me uncomfortable. Please stop." If she argues "What? I said you were little. Most people would take that as a compliment!" just reiterate "It makes me uncomfortable." and keep saying that. I'd give it two, maybe 3 more times and then I'd go to an instructor. Hopefully it won't come to that.

I agree with this.  You aren't going to change her mind on your size, but you might be able to change her behavior.  So don't address the opinion she's expressing just that she's expressing it.  I would be a bit more... baiting?  Aggressive?  I'm not sure the word but I'd publicly call her out "why are you so obsessed with my body?" "you make a lot of comments about my body, its very uncomfortable." "please stop checking out my body and commenting on it." It won't change her mind but it will probably embarrass her enough to stop making comments to you, or behind your back.

I thought about that, but I wasn't sure exactly how to execute it.  Perhaps, "Why do you keep making comments about my body?"  If she says, "Because you're little," I would say, "So you've said, numerous times, so why?"

If you want to have a discussion about your body and/or her issues with it that'd be the way to go. If you just want her to stop I stand by my original advice.  ;)

Again I agree with JenJay.  Asking "why?" is you trying to continue the conversation, to get her to talk to you about your body and why she's focused on your body and why she's thinking about your body and why your body affects her.  If you want to her to stop talking about your body shut her comments down, don't ask her to flesh them out (no pun intended).  I know I suggested one "why" comment, but I must admit in my mind I was thinking you'd say it with a rhetorical tone.

Perfect Circle

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2951
  • The followers of chaos, out of control
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #28 on: November 13, 2012, 09:34:19 AM »
I think you need to just ask her to stop. Don't engage, just ask her to stop.

But I would also really consider it in terms of the environment you will be working at. I know it's different when something like this is coming from a co-worker, and definitely not acceptable,  but I would imagine you will hear a lot worse from the inmates when you actually do start working in a prison.

You may need to look into how you are going to cope with comments and language they may use. I would imagine that a workplace doesn't come much more hostile than that, although I have no personal experience.

Good luck getting her to stop. At least you know you won't have to work with her in the long run.
In all this talk of time
Talk is fine
But I don't want to stay around
Why can't we pantomime, just close our eyes
And sleep sweet dreams
Me and you with wings on our feet

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6076
Re: Skinny Shaming (long)
« Reply #29 on: November 13, 2012, 11:05:11 AM »
I wouldn't go to the instructors.  She sounds very insecure about her body image.  I've met people who just have such negative body images, they perceive everyone being smaller than them even if they are of the relatively same size. 

Honestly, since your in the last week and don't expect to be working with her in the future, I'd use this week as an opportunity for me to improve my skills in ignoring taunting.  But if you want to address it, this is an easy fix to get her to shut up. 

After your training is over, catch up to her and say "Co-trainer, I really thought over the weekend all of the comments you made about you being so much bigger than me.  It sounds like you might have a poor body image and I'd be glad to be that sounding board if you want to talk about it."