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Author Topic: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?  (Read 48614 times)

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mindicherry

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #165 on: November 14, 2012, 09:32:54 PM »
Wait, how did religion get into this? ???

We're on a totally different topic than I thought.
I didn't bring religion in to it.  Merely mentioned that I was unsure about the "tone" of the event for various reasons

Please don't put words in my mouth

DottyG

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #166 on: November 14, 2012, 09:35:21 PM »
Mindicherry, I get the feeling you think I'm an eat and run person. I can assure you that I've been at homes well into the evening as well. I've stayed hours after suppers are over. I'm not saying that I always leave right after I eat. It depends on the situation and party I'm at.


DottyG

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #167 on: November 14, 2012, 09:38:04 PM »
You said something about religion, and I've heard that there may be a backstory regarding religion to this thread. I thought that's what you were referring to. I'm not putting words in your mouth - just thought you were referring to something that I'm now finding out could be related to the responses here.


mindicherry

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #168 on: November 14, 2012, 09:41:56 PM »
Mindicherry, I get the feeling you think I'm an eat and run person. I can assure you that I've been at homes well into the evening as well. I've stayed hours after suppers are over. I'm not saying that I always leave right after I eat. It depends on the situation and party I'm at.
DottyG - I can honestly say that I have never thought about what you do specifically do if you were invited to my home.

What I HAVE said consistently is that I operate my life a certain way.  I surround myself with people who operate the same.  I am lucky that my family is all the same.

That being said - if a newcomer to my house for dinner got all up in arms about me not conforming to HER way of life/serving dinner, I would feel bad in the short-term, but then just not worry about them and not invite them back to my home for a dinner event. 

Neither way is wrong in how we choose to live our lives,  We just may not be compatible "come for dinner" friends.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2012, 09:44:07 PM by mindicherry »

baglady

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #169 on: November 14, 2012, 09:45:48 PM »
Wait, how did religion get into this? ???

We're on a totally different topic than I thought.

I think she means because they are of a different religion there will be some unfamiliar customs to deal with, along with the issue of what's considered an appropriate length of visit. That's all. The "other issue" could have been a plain old secular cultural difference, or a language barrier; it just happens to be a religious difference in Mindicherry's case.

In a situation like this, I'd ask the sister-in-law what the norm is in her family ... does the usual "company" lunch run two hours? Four? Longer? Explain that you're trying to plan for babysitting, and she's unlikely to take offense.

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mindicherry

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #170 on: November 14, 2012, 09:45:54 PM »
You said something about religion, and I've heard that there may be a backstory regarding religion to this thread. I thought that's what you were referring to. I'm not putting words in your mouth - just thought you were referring to something that I'm now finding out could be related to the responses here.
There is no backstory of religion to this thread.

The backstory of this thread is that the OP in another thread has to leave because dinner was just starting to be prepared when it was about 10 minutes from her childrens bedtime and she needed to leave

Yvaine

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #171 on: November 14, 2012, 09:47:57 PM »
The general understanding of phrases is something that I notice a lot between countries.  We have a very common turn of phrase here which is "Bring a plate".  Often this will be a large gathering, maybe a school or church function.  People new to Australia will sometimes show up with an empty plate.  But "bring a plate" in Australia means bring a plate of food to share.  Like "come for dinner", it's the way it has abbreviated over time in our society.

 ;D I'd probably have brought an empty plate too! I'd think the hosts didn't have enough dishes for the number of people coming over! But if you said "bring a dish," I'd interpret it as bring food. That's funny.
This thread is hilarious (and enlightening), because it would never occur to me that "Bring a Plate" means anything other than "bring a dish to share" ;)

You've got to keep in mind that I've been to way too many parties where one was supposed to bring things like chairs.  ;D But that's a whole 'nother thread's worth of discussion.

KenveeB

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #172 on: November 14, 2012, 09:48:49 PM »
Mindicherry, I get the feeling you think I'm an eat and run person. I can assure you that I've been at homes well into the evening as well. I've stayed hours after suppers are over. I'm not saying that I always leave right after I eat. It depends on the situation and party I'm at.
DottyG - I can honestly say that I have never thought about what you would specifically do if you were invited to my home.

What I HAVE said consistently is that I operate my life a certain way.  I surround myself with people who operate the same.  I am lucky that my family is all the same.

That being said - if a newcomer to my house for dinner got all up in arms about me not conforming to HER way of life/serving dinner, I would feel bad in the short-term, but then just not worry about them and not invite them back to my home for a dinner event. 

Neither way is wrong in how we choose to live our lives,  We just may not be compatible "come for dinner" friends.

Honestly, the only one I've seen "up in arms" is you. It is perfectly possible for someone to go to a dinner invitation, behave completely politely the entire time, and leave around 30 minutes after dinner. The only idea in this thread that someone is going to be all upset at dinner not being served early in the evening has come from you. I'm a "dinner=dinner" person. If I showed up at an invitation and we had lengthy appetizers followed by a later-than-I-expect meal, I wouldn't be "up in arms", and I'm annoyed at the implication that anyone who thinks "come for dinner" means "come for dinner" would behave like that. If I went to an evening that was an entire night instead of just dinner, I would think "they have a different idea of entertaining than I do", not "they're horrible people for acting like that!" I think the same courtesy should be extended on both sides.

Sharnita

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #173 on: November 14, 2012, 09:51:05 PM »
Dotty there was another thread abou religious invites at work. I don't want to go into it too deeply but one of the topics covered was whether those invites were different from other invites. Several people felt that you might get judged over religious invites but things like movies or dinner were safe. I have known people to catch grief for eating veal or even meat at all but the idea that staying for the wrong amount of time will result in the level of judgement makes me think dinner is a high risk invite. If I leave too early will I by deemed a free loader? If I stay too late do they think I am a squatter?

kareng57

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #174 on: November 14, 2012, 09:52:20 PM »
actually, that's my point.

it's FAR more individual and "UK/USA."

I'll confess that one of my pet peeves is the assumption that something is "regional"or "national" because it's what *you* experienced.

There are plenty of Americans who think it would be rude to eat and run.

Several different posters have said that things appear to be done differently in their country. It has not just been one single person's opinion, so yes I think this is a regional or national difference. 

I'm in the UK, I would never go to someone's house just for a meal and leave shortly afterwards - I expect to be spending the better part of an afternoon or evening with them.  Why does it bother you so much when several people have said that that is how things are done in that part of the world?

But they haven't been to the other country. Or, people from that other country have directly contradicted them.

In fact, the only clear trend seems to be that MOST of us--no matter what country we're from--think you shouldn't "eat and run," and that SOME socializing *should* take place after the last bite.

We may not be able to codify that, and as Hmmmmm says, we may differ on how much it should be, and we may feel that different factors will influence it (small kids in the family; weeknight; suburb/urban; travel distances).

How do you know they haven't been to X country, Toots?  I grew up in Canada, live in the US and have been to the UK.   In Canada and the UK, it seems the norm is for a dinner to last all evening, not to sit down and eat and leave shortly after.  It is a social occasion in those countries.


But honestly, I don't think that this would be universal anywhere.

I'd never be offended/upset that anyone left shortly after coffee.  Perhaps they have a babysitter at home and have to get back to young kids (either because they want to minimise the time with the sitter, or don't want to have to pay for another couple of hours).  Or, they work shifts and have to be available at something like 11 or 12 midnight.  Even if it's a couple of hours prior, they might need to get home and take a short nap beforehand.

My late Dh worked shifts and we had friends who did also, so perhaps that's colouring my response.  Overall, I just don't think it's something to get very upset about (i.e. "they only came for the dinner").

Deetee

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #175 on: November 14, 2012, 09:53:40 PM »
You said something about religion, and I've heard that there may be a backstory regarding religion to this thread. I thought that's what you were referring to. I'm not putting words in your mouth - just thought you were referring to something that I'm now finding out could be related to the responses here.
There is no backstory of religion to this thread.

The backstory of this thread is that the OP in another thread has to leave because dinner was just starting to be prepared when it was about 10 minutes from her childrens bedtime and she needed to leave

This is more a spin off than related to that as backstory. I am fairly certain that every member of the thread that expects longish dinners would view the hostess there as rude. There is no requirement to adjust an invite to accomadate a guest's schedule, but once you say you will, the onus is on the hosts to follow up on the promise.

DottyG

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #176 on: November 14, 2012, 09:53:56 PM »
Ah. Thanks Sharnita. :)


mindicherry

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #177 on: November 14, 2012, 09:56:33 PM »
The general understanding of phrases is something that I notice a lot between countries.  We have a very common turn of phrase here which is "Bring a plate".  Often this will be a large gathering, maybe a school or church function.  People new to Australia will sometimes show up with an empty plate.  But "bring a plate" in Australia means bring a plate of food to share.  Like "come for dinner", it's the way it has abbreviated over time in our society.

 ;D I'd probably have brought an empty plate too! I'd think the hosts didn't have enough dishes for the number of people coming over! But if you said "bring a dish," I'd interpret it as bring food. That's funny.
This thread is hilarious (and enlightening), because it would never occur to me that "Bring a Plate" means anything other than "bring a dish to share" ;)

You've got to keep in mind that I've been to way too many parties where one was supposed to bring things like chairs.  ;D But that's a whole 'nother thread's worth of discussion.
Oh please - if we are going to get in to college parties, this could get INTERESTING  >:D

mindicherry

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #178 on: November 14, 2012, 09:59:54 PM »
Dotty there was another thread abou religious invites at work. I don't want to go into it too deeply but one of the topics covered was whether those invites were different from other invites. Several people felt that you might get judged over religious invites but things like movies or dinner were safe. I have known people to catch grief for eating veal or even meat at all but the idea that staying for the wrong amount of time will result in the level of judgement makes me think dinner is a high risk invite. If I leave too early will I by deemed a free loader? If I stay too late do they think I am a squatter?
I missed that thread, but I have to say - it makes me glad that I work at home for myself!

mindicherry

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Re: What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?
« Reply #179 on: November 14, 2012, 10:34:57 PM »
Mindicherry, I get the feeling you think I'm an eat and run person. I can assure you that I've been at homes well into the evening as well. I've stayed hours after suppers are over. I'm not saying that I always leave right after I eat. It depends on the situation and party I'm at.
DottyG - I can honestly say that I have never thought about what you would specifically do if you were invited to my home.

What I HAVE said consistently is that I operate my life a certain way.  I surround myself with people who operate the same.  I am lucky that my family is all the same.

That being said - if a newcomer to my house for dinner got all up in arms about me not conforming to HER way of life/serving dinner, I would feel bad in the short-term, but then just not worry about them and not invite them back to my home for a dinner event. 

Neither way is wrong in how we choose to live our lives,  We just may not be compatible "come for dinner" friends.

Honestly, the only one I've seen "up in arms" is you. It is perfectly possible for someone to go to a dinner invitation, behave completely politely the entire time, and leave around 30 minutes after dinner. The only idea in this thread that someone is going to be all upset at dinner not being served early in the evening has come from you. I'm a "dinner=dinner" person. If I showed up at an invitation and we had lengthy appetizers followed by a later-than-I-expect meal, I wouldn't be "up in arms", and I'm annoyed at the implication that anyone who thinks "come for dinner" means "come for dinner" would behave like that. If I went to an evening that was an entire night instead of just dinner, I would think "they have a different idea of entertaining than I do", not "they're horrible people for acting like that!" I think the same courtesy should be extended on both sides.
I'm not "up in arms".  Life is too short for that.

12 pages of posts with people agreeing with my point of view (ok - let's say only 5-6 pages of those posts) and you are going to say "The only idea in this thread that someone is going to be all upset at dinner not being served early in the evening has come from you"?  Seriously?

I have NEVER said that people with a different viewpoint of "come to dinner" are horrible people.  I have friends who are like that.  I just don't invite them to my dinner parties because BOTH of us would be stressed (me trying to conform to their schedule while still being ME and them trying to ask when dinner would be served without beating me to death with a pepperoni stick or canape). They are my "restaurant friends".  They want to have dinner together?  Fine?  We pick a tine, we go out, the dinner ends and we all go home. 

But when I host dinner in my home, I go "all-out" (at a considerable expense, by my choice).  I don't spend the time, energy and money so that my friends can treat me like an Applebee's where they have to turn the table in 90 minutes!

It's just a DIFFERENT WAY OF LIVING YOUR LIFE, and neither one is wrong.  it just may mean you aren't compatible or invited with my "come to dinner friends"


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