What does "come over for dinner" mean to you?

[DottyG]

We get it! No need to yell!

You still didn't address the "ditching out" phrasing, by the way.

[KenveeB]

12 pages of posts with people agreeing with my point of view (ok - let's say only 5-6 pages of those posts) and you are going to say "The only idea in this thread that someone is going to be all upset at dinner not being served early in the evening has come from you"?  Seriously?

Many people have agreed with the idea that dinner=evening and that "eating and running" is bad. (Actually, I think everyone has agreed on the latter. It's just a question of how long do you have to stay for it to not be eating and running.) You are the only one I've seen who has talked about people getting "up in arms" about your not serving dinner early or how they're upset at you for "not conforming to HER way of life/serving dinner." Everyone else seems to get the concept that you can just have different ways of eating dinner. Someone having a different way of eating dinner or visiting isn't remotely the same thing as them being up in arms or mad at you for not conforming. That's the attitude I find mind-boggling. You have no problem assigning bad motives to others by saying they're "ditching" you or trying to make you conform to their way of life. That's not just saying "I don't want to have dinner with you," that's saying "You're rude because you don't subscribe to my same beliefs about how things should be done."

Invite whomever you want to invite for dinner and host dinner however you like. But stop ascribing rude motives to people who do it differently.

[mindicherry]

We get it! No need to yell!

You still didn't address the "ditching out" phrasing, by the way.

Seriously DottyG - are you just trying to be disagreeable?

I get that I may be the "new kid on the block", but was this really necessary?

(and yes - I do consider leaving within 30 minutes of the end of the meal "ditching out", barring any pre-agreed-upon arrangements)

[DottyG]

No, I'm not trying to be disagreeable. In this forum, it is considered to be yelling when you use all caps. I think that may be in the actual rules. I'll check.

[mindicherry]

No, I'm not trying to be disagreeable. In this forum, it is considered to be yelling when you use all caps. I think that may be in the actual rules. I'll check.

All caps can also be used for emphasis.  had my entire post been in all caps, you may have had a point

[DottyG]

Yes. It can be emphasis. But, the usual thought here at EHell is to bold or italicize for emphasis, unless it's a "difficult to do because of using the phone to type messages thing". Which is something I hadn't considered. If you're in that situation, I apologize. That was wrong of me to make an assumption there.

[Rohanna]

A host is in charge of setting the "tone" of the party through the invitation. If you do not communicate to your guests the "type" of dinner you expect to have, then you can hardly get annoyed if your guests don't know what you expect either.

If you are putting a lot of effort and money into something, then it's incumbant upon you to discretely word the invite (even a verbal one) so that people know it's an "event" meal and not just a casual night over. Perhaps something like "I have this fantastic recipe for skewered LaDeeDah, and a great red wine I've been dying to open- [when] would you be free to come over for dinner and cards/a nice catch-up/movie".  If I *don't* tell you that "Well, I'd love to come over but jr has to be home by 9, so I wouldn't be able to stay all that late" I'd be rude.  By letting you know this, you can either tell me that's fine or plan something different/do it another time. This is what I do all the time- I consider it being thoughtful of my guests schedules while making sure I don't end up disappointed in my plans. Now, someone that knows you well will know how you do dinner, so you don't usually  need to spell it out anymore.
 
If I get invited to dinner and you don't know me well enough for me to *know* how you do dinner, you'd better tell me what you had in mind before I come over if you are going to get offended or put out if I don't do it. Especially if what you expect is such a large commitment of my day- I've been to weddings that haven't lasted as long as some people expect every dinner guest to stay for.

[DottyG]

Mindi, I sent you a PM, but I wanted to do this here. I have come across as unnecessarily snarky to you. And I wanted to say that I'm sorry for that.

[kareng57]

We get it! No need to yell!

You still didn't address the "ditching out" phrasing, by the way.

Seriously DottyG - are you just trying to be disagreeable?

I get that I may be the "new kid on the block", but was this really necessary?

(and yes - I do consider leaving within 30 minutes of the end of the meal "ditching out", barring any pre-agreed-upon arrangements)

It's actually pretty universal as an etiquette-rule on the Web - not just here.  Blocked-capitals = shouting.

Emphasis is better done by something such as using italics.

[stargazer]

We get it! No need to yell!

You still didn't address the "ditching out" phrasing, by the way.

Seriously DottyG - are you just trying to be disagreeable?

I get that I may be the "new kid on the block", but was this really necessary?

(and yes - I do consider leaving within 30 minutes of the end of the meal "ditching out", barring any pre-agreed-upon arrangements)

Can you address my post where the person comes at 5pm, you eat at 7pm-8pm, and they leave at 8:30pm.  They have been there 3.5 hours.  Are they still "ditching out"?  They are clearly not there just for the "free food" as you have socialized that entire time. 

[mindicherry]

We get it! No need to yell!

You still didn't address the "ditching out" phrasing, by the way.

Seriously DottyG - are you just trying to be disagreeable?

I get that I may be the "new kid on the block", but was this really necessary?

(and yes - I do consider leaving within 30 minutes of the end of the meal "ditching out", barring any pre-agreed-upon arrangements)

Can you address my post where the person comes at 5pm, you eat at 7pm-8pm, and they leave at 8:30pm.  They have been there 3.5 hours.  Are they still "ditching out"?  They are clearly not there just for the "free food" as you have socialized that entire time.

COMPLETELY Legit complaint! (oh - wait - was that too many all caps ;-) ? )

But I think this goes back to "know your audience".

The first time it happens? ok - come and post on eHell about it!

But if it is the 3rd, 4th, 5th time that you have been "subjected" to these kinds of invites or guests, you forfeit your right to complain.

Who cares if they are your best friend from college/Dh's friend/Playgroup friend?  If they cause you this much stress, just STOP extending/accepting invites! Assuming they are grown-uos - why do you think you going to change them?

Either confront the issue with the offending person, or stop inviting them/accepting invites.

It's really that simple!

[MariaE]

But when I host dinner in my home, I go "all-out" (at a considerable expense, by my choice).  I don't spend the time, energy and money so that my friends can treat me like an Applebee's where they have to turn the table in 90 minutes!

It's just a DIFFERENT WAY OF LIVING YOUR LIFE, and neither one is wrong.  it just may mean you aren't compatible or invited with my "come to dinner friends"

Actually, I think it is wrong to assume people are "treating you like an Applebee", when they might think they are being polite to leave early.

That your expectations are incompatible is perfectly reasonable, but after 13 pages of some people saying "this is polite/the norm where I am" it surprises me that you would still see it as "I'm only here for the food" rather than cultural differences.

I don't understand your reply to stargazer at all (post above mine). Did you mean to quote a different post?

[kareng57]

We get it! No need to yell!

You still didn't address the "ditching out" phrasing, by the way.

Seriously DottyG - are you just trying to be disagreeable?

I get that I may be the "new kid on the block", but was this really necessary?

(and yes - I do consider leaving within 30 minutes of the end of the meal "ditching out", barring any pre-agreed-upon arrangements)

Can you address my post where the person comes at 5pm, you eat at 7pm-8pm, and they leave at 8:30pm.  They have been there 3.5 hours.  Are they still "ditching out"?  They are clearly not there just for the "free food" as you have socialized that entire time.

COMPLETELY Legit complaint! (oh - wait - was that too many all caps ;-) ? )

But I think this goes back to "know your audience".

The first time it happens? ok - come and post on eHell about it!

But if it is the 3rd, 4th, 5th time that you have been "subjected" to these kinds of invites or guests, you forfeit your right to complain.

Who cares if they are your best friend from college/Dh's friend/Playgroup friend?  If they cause you this much stress, just STOP extending/accepting invites! Assuming they are grown-uos - why do you think you going to change them?

Either confront the issue with the offending person, or stop inviting them/accepting invites.

It's really that simple!

I'm truly puzzled.  I figure that it's completely okay for someone for someone who has been invited for a 3 hour dinner to leave shortly after that time.

[mindicherry]

We get it! No need to yell!

You still didn't address the "ditching out" phrasing, by the way.

Seriously DottyG - are you just trying to be disagreeable?

I get that I may be the "new kid on the block", but was this really necessary?

(and yes - I do consider leaving within 30 minutes of the end of the meal "ditching out", barring any pre-agreed-upon arrangements)

Can you address my post where the person comes at 5pm, you eat at 7pm-8pm, and they leave at 8:30pm.  They have been there 3.5 hours.  Are they still "ditching out"?  They are clearly not there just for the "free food" as you have socialized that entire time.

COMPLETELY Legit complaint! (oh - wait - was that too many all caps ;-) ? )

But I think this goes back to "know your audience".

The first time it happens? ok - come and post on eHell about it!

But if it is the 3rd, 4th, 5th time that you have been "subjected" to these kinds of invites or guests, you forfeit your right to complain.

Who cares if they are your best friend from college/Dh's friend/Playgroup friend?  If they cause you this much stress, just STOP extending/accepting invites! Assuming they are grown-uos - why do you think you going to change them?

Either confront the issue with the offending person, or stop inviting them/accepting invites.

It's really that simple!

ETA: and I say this because if there was anyone that I offended THAT MUCH that they would come on eHell to complain about me, I hope they would know that they have the option of just not associating with me.

[MariaE]

We get it! No need to yell!

You still didn't address the "ditching out" phrasing, by the way.

Seriously DottyG - are you just trying to be disagreeable?

I get that I may be the "new kid on the block", but was this really necessary?

(and yes - I do consider leaving within 30 minutes of the end of the meal "ditching out", barring any pre-agreed-upon arrangements)

Can you address my post where the person comes at 5pm, you eat at 7pm-8pm, and they leave at 8:30pm.  They have been there 3.5 hours.  Are they still "ditching out"?  They are clearly not there just for the "free food" as you have socialized that entire time.

COMPLETELY Legit complaint! (oh - wait - was that too many all caps ;-) ? )

But I think this goes back to "know your audience".

The first time it happens? ok - come and post on eHell about it!

But if it is the 3rd, 4th, 5th time that you have been "subjected" to these kinds of invites or guests, you forfeit your right to complain.

Who cares if they are your best friend from college/Dh's friend/Playgroup friend?  If they cause you this much stress, just STOP extending/accepting invites! Assuming they are grown-uos - why do you think you going to change them?

Either confront the issue with the offending person, or stop inviting them/accepting invites.

It's really that simple!

ETA: and I say this because if there was anyone that I offended THAT MUCH that they would come on eHell to complain about me, I hope they would know that they have the option of just not associating with me.

Offended by what? How is any of this a reply to what stargazer wrote?