Author Topic: Not inviting mutual friend  (Read 3671 times)

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Quest_

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Not inviting mutual friend
« on: November 13, 2012, 08:11:24 AM »
Hi e-hellions! Quick question, would you consider the following circumstance rude?

You have recently become acquainted with a friend-of-a-friend and you're interested in pursuing a friendship beyond the group settings you usually interact in. Is it rude to invite the new person out for coffee without including the friend you originally met through?

Perfect Circle

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2012, 08:13:43 AM »
Absolutely not.
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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2012, 08:15:53 AM »
I don't believe so but I have seen others on this board state they would be hurt.

LA lady

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2012, 08:16:33 AM »
IS this a time and place that you would usually meet original friend for coffee?  If so, then not inviting her this time would probably feel like a deliberate exclusion.

In general however, it is not rude to make a new friend, however you met them.  It would be rude to simultaneously drop old friend as if she were only a means to an end.

BarensMom

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2012, 08:16:54 AM »
It's not rude, but, for a first-time get together, I would invite the mutual friend along to make getting acquainted with the new person easier.

cicero

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2012, 08:45:03 AM »
Hi e-hellions! Quick question, would you consider the following circumstance rude?

You have recently become acquainted with a friend-of-a-friend and you're interested in pursuing a friendship beyond the group settings you usually interact in. Is it rude to invite the new person out for coffee without including the friend you originally met through?
generally speaking - not rude.

is there a reason you are asking? did something happen?

I could see situations where the first friend might be insulted - if, for example, you would become friendlier with new friend and the two of you would semi drop the person who introduced you (not saying you would do this, but i've seen it happen). or if you and original friend have standing plans - not ever explicitly established, but something that you sort of morphed into doing, e.g., casual meet up for coffee on sunday morning at starbucks - and you suddenly do *that thing* with new friend or do something else with new friend and stop meeting original friend.

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CrochetFanatic

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2012, 09:08:07 AM »
No, it's not rude at all.  I wouldn't ask Friend1 while Friend2 is standing right there, though.  There's a possibility of Friend2 trying to invite him/herself, and there's a possibility of hurt feelings.

Twik

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2012, 10:10:47 AM »
I believe Miss Manners said that the traditional thing was to have one event where you invite both. Then, they are "equal" friends, and you can invite them separately.
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Luci

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2012, 10:30:19 AM »
It's OK by me.

I am was proud that I introduced them, sort of like a match-maker!

TootsNYC

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2012, 10:33:42 AM »
Hi e-hellions! Quick question, would you consider the following circumstance rude?

You have recently become acquainted with a friend-of-a-friend and you're interested in pursuing a friendship beyond the group settings you usually interact in. Is it rude to invite the new person out for coffee without including the friend you originally met through?

Yes, it is--the first time.

There's actually been writing on this--I think Miss Manners had something on it once.

The FIRST time you get together, you should include the mutual friend. After that, you don't need to.

bah12

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2012, 11:44:52 AM »
No, it's not rude. 

If anything, it might be awkward depending on how much you interacted with this person in the group settings you usually meet in.  But, if you broke the ice in the group setting to the point where you are comfortable inviting this person out for coffee on your own, then there's nothing wrong with it.

hobish

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2012, 12:40:05 PM »
I believe Miss Manners said that the traditional thing was to have one event where you invite both. Then, they are "equal" friends, and you can invite them separately.

You beat me to it :)

I've done this frequently. The best was meeting friends of Kay through her, then friends of theirs through them. The third couple are among our closest friends now. And now there is another couple we have met through the third couple that we would like to get to know better, but we have not yet found a time when we can all get together at my house, although we have been to theirs a few times. Even though they have been invited i would not feel comfortable just inviting the newer people without third couple until the getting together actually happens. I don't know if that is strict etiquette or my own taste.

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LadyJaneinMD

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #12 on: November 13, 2012, 02:24:14 PM »
Hi e-hellions! Quick question, would you consider the following circumstance rude?

You have recently become acquainted with a friend-of-a-friend and you're interested in pursuing a friendship beyond the group settings you usually interact in. Is it rude to invite the new person out for coffee without including the friend you originally met through?

Not rude at all.  In fact, I have many times introduced friends that I've recently met to current friends, hoping they'd hit it off, and they'd go off and become the best of friends!  (same gender friends).  I have no problem with that, as long as I get included in the group events once in awhile (and I do). 

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #13 on: November 13, 2012, 02:37:33 PM »
Hi e-hellions! Quick question, would you consider the following circumstance rude?

You have recently become acquainted with a friend-of-a-friend and you're interested in pursuing a friendship beyond the group settings you usually interact in. Is it rude to invite the new person out for coffee without including the friend you originally met through?

Yes, it is--the first time.

There's actually been writing on this--I think Miss Manners had something on it once.

The FIRST time you get together, you should include the mutual friend. After that, you don't need to.

This has been my understanding as well.
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Deetee

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #14 on: November 13, 2012, 02:45:12 PM »
Hi e-hellions! Quick question, would you consider the following circumstance rude?

You have recently become acquainted with a friend-of-a-friend and you're interested in pursuing a friendship beyond the group settings you usually interact in. Is it rude to invite the new person out for coffee without including the friend you originally met through?

Yes, it is--the first time.

There's actually been writing on this--I think Miss Manners had something on it once.

The FIRST time you get together, you should include the mutual friend. After that, you don't need to.

This has been my understanding as well.
That would be my suggestion. The first invite should include both friend and friend of friend. I wouldn't say this is written in stone but an effort should be made.