Author Topic: Not inviting mutual friend  (Read 3519 times)

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snowdragon

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #15 on: November 13, 2012, 02:56:56 PM »
I used to have a friend who thought if two of her friends wanted to be friends, with or without her, they both needed to ask her permission. We had quite the argument over it via Facebook chat. When I refused to ask permission to be friends with another person she was friends with she flipped and accused me of "stealing" her friend I was 45 years old at the time( She was in her late 20's , maybe early30's) , reminded her of that and told her I don't need anyone's permission to pursue a friendship, she then tried to shoot down the friendship from the other end by telling the other person, that I would not ask permission - Other person laughed at her too. She claims "all her friends ask her permission to be friends with each other, otherwise they are not her friends".   

She has not spoken to either of us since, and has told several folks in our mutual group that I will "steal" their friends.  Personally, I thought this type of thing would be out grown by this time - I guess not.
   My long winded point is that some folks will find it rude to pursue a friendship with their friends....but I think it's up to each person to decide for themselves.

CakeBeret

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #16 on: November 13, 2012, 05:41:31 PM »
I used to have a friend who thought if two of her friends wanted to be friends, with or without her, they both needed to ask her permission. We had quite the argument over it via Facebook chat. When I refused to ask permission to be friends with another person she was friends with she flipped and accused me of "stealing" her friend I was 45 years old at the time( She was in her late 20's , maybe early30's) , reminded her of that and told her I don't need anyone's permission to pursue a friendship, she then tried to shoot down the friendship from the other end by telling the other person, that I would not ask permission - Other person laughed at her too. She claims "all her friends ask her permission to be friends with each other, otherwise they are not her friends".   

What a loon. :o

OP, I think it would be nice to invite both to one event initially, but I don't think it would be rude to invite just the new friend out first.
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LifeOnPluto

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #17 on: November 13, 2012, 09:31:47 PM »
Hi e-hellions! Quick question, would you consider the following circumstance rude?

You have recently become acquainted with a friend-of-a-friend and you're interested in pursuing a friendship beyond the group settings you usually interact in. Is it rude to invite the new person out for coffee without including the friend you originally met through?

Yes, it is--the first time.

There's actually been writing on this--I think Miss Manners had something on it once.

The FIRST time you get together, you should include the mutual friend. After that, you don't need to.

This has been my understanding as well.
That would be my suggestion. The first invite should include both friend and friend of friend. I wouldn't say this is written in stone but an effort should be made.

Agreed. It may not be technically rude not to invite Mutual Friend the first time, but personally, I would make an effort to do so.

Also agree that it may be rude to invite New Friend out in front of Mutual Friend.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #18 on: November 14, 2012, 04:20:51 AM »
When you introduce FriendA to FriendB, it can be kind of a jolt the first time you find out that they got together without you - even when you made a point of introducing them because you thought they'd hit it off.  Mature people shrug off the awkwardness and are happy their friends now have more people to spend time with.

Quest_

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #19 on: November 14, 2012, 04:49:18 AM »
Thank you for your thoughtful replies, everyone. I was fairly sure it would generally not be considered rude, but may have needed some reassurance for my specific circumstances. I have known a friend's long-term girlfriend, Grace, for years, and was more recently introduced to Grace's good friend, Nancy. While I have never desired to spend time alone with Grace, I have much more chemistry with Nancy, and wished to get to know her better. Was just double-checking with you guys because Grace has a history of being quite possessive of her friendships and might have thought that I was 'stealing' Nancy. Not that I plan on mentioning the coffee date around Grace anyway.

TootsNYC

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #20 on: November 14, 2012, 12:12:06 PM »
Hi e-hellions! Quick question, would you consider the following circumstance rude?

You have recently become acquainted with a friend-of-a-friend and you're interested in pursuing a friendship beyond the group settings you usually interact in. Is it rude to invite the new person out for coffee without including the friend you originally met through?

Yes, it is--the first time.

There's actually been writing on this--I think Miss Manners had something on it once.

The FIRST time you get together, you should include the mutual friend. After that, you don't need to.

This has been my understanding as well.
That would be my suggestion. The first invite should include both friend and friend of friend. I wouldn't say this is written in stone but an effort should be made.

And I would also want to include both of them in several get-togethers for a little while.

sparksals

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Re: Not inviting mutual friend
« Reply #21 on: November 14, 2012, 01:23:19 PM »
I would be very careful not to do this so that it appears you went behind friend A's back and were secretive about the meetings. 

I introduced a friend of mine to my meetup group.  The purpose of the meetup, of course, is to meet new people.  What my friend did was start meeting people separately behind my back and secretly, never including me and my husband and not reciprocating our invitations.  THEN she has the audacity to complain to me she was hurt not being invited to my Canadian TG dinner that the same people have been invited to for the past three years.   We have never been invited to any special holiday dinner at her house, so she wasn't even on my radar to invite and she is not part of the circle invited to my TG dinner.

She was very quick to latch onto my friends, but there wasn't any reciprocity in introducing or including us with hers.  Turns out, she has few friends to introduce and perhaps that is why she latched onto mine and did so secretly.  Don't know why she felt she had to be so secretive. 

I think people have a right to be friends with whomever they choose if they connect.   But going behind the back of the friend who introduced you is not cool.   Turns out it burned her big time.  She isn't invited to the larger circle events anymore.   Her actions have been quite hypocritical.