Author Topic: Wanting things done properly  (Read 5928 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

blarg314

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8504
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #15 on: November 13, 2012, 08:11:08 PM »

My evil twin would be tempted to go to his place, break a bunch of stuff, and then claim you were 'helping'.

Given the depth of his problem - he comes over when you're not there, and trashes stuff under the guise of repairs. You take away his key, so he brings over his own lawn equipment and trashes the lawn. He fails to see either that his 'help' isn't wanted, or that he is actually destroying stuff rather than fixing it.

He's not going to get hints. I'd say it's time for a major freak-out.  Get so mad that he can't fail to notice you are upset.  Tell him point blank that every time he does this, it costs you massive amounts of time and money. Present him with a bill for the clean up for the last mess he made.  Tell him point blank that he's not allowed to do anything in your home or on your property without your written consent *and* personal presence while he does it, and he's not allowed on your property without you there. If he disobeys this, he will not be allowed on your property at all.

Then stomp off in a huff and don't speak to him for a couple of weeks and ignore his phone calls.

If he *does* ignore you, and trashes something else, you send him a bill, and ignore him for a longer period. You also install a simple but noisy alarm system on your back lawn and windows (leave room for the mailman).  If you're on good terms with your neighbours, ask them to phone you immediately if they see your father on your property without you.

It sounds drastic, but by what you've described, he's deliberately and willfully done damage to your home that has cost you massive amounts of money to fix. Either you're going to have to get really tough and take a hard line, or you're going to have to learn to live with it, and budget "cleaning up after Dad" money as part of your monthly budget.  Or move to an apartment with security.



LifeOnPluto

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6635
    • Blog
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #16 on: November 13, 2012, 09:26:44 PM »

My evil twin would be tempted to go to his place, break a bunch of stuff, and then claim you were 'helping'.

Given the depth of his problem - he comes over when you're not there, and trashes stuff under the guise of repairs. You take away his key, so he brings over his own lawn equipment and trashes the lawn. He fails to see either that his 'help' isn't wanted, or that he is actually destroying stuff rather than fixing it.

He's not going to get hints. I'd say it's time for a major freak-out.  Get so mad that he can't fail to notice you are upset.  Tell him point blank that every time he does this, it costs you massive amounts of time and money. Present him with a bill for the clean up for the last mess he made.  Tell him point blank that he's not allowed to do anything in your home or on your property without your written consent *and* personal presence while he does it, and he's not allowed on your property without you there. If he disobeys this, he will not be allowed on your property at all.

Then stomp off in a huff and don't speak to him for a couple of weeks and ignore his phone calls.

If he *does* ignore you, and trashes something else, you send him a bill, and ignore him for a longer period. You also install a simple but noisy alarm system on your back lawn and windows (leave room for the mailman).  If you're on good terms with your neighbours, ask them to phone you immediately if they see your father on your property without you.

It sounds drastic, but by what you've described, he's deliberately and willfully done damage to your home that has cost you massive amounts of money to fix. Either you're going to have to get really tough and take a hard line, or you're going to have to learn to live with it, and budget "cleaning up after Dad" money as part of your monthly budget.  Or move to an apartment with security.

I completely agree with everything that Blarg has said.

My parents can be overbearing, and I can picture my own father wanting to help out with handyman chores (if we lived in the same city). However, my dad would make sure he knew what he was doing and would NEVER cause property damage. And if he did, he'd own up to his shortcomings and offer to pay for the cost of rectifying it.

So yeah, if he still persists, hit him with the bill for rectifying his "work".

Shopaholic

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1699
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #17 on: November 13, 2012, 11:31:29 PM »
Your dad has some severe boundary issues, and it's time you redefined them.

Sit him down and tell him
"Dad, I know your intentions are good, but your helping around the house has done more harm than good. I want you to stop coming over here when I am away and changing things without my knowledge. Do not surprise me. Dad, I love you and I love when you visit, but from now on I alone will take care of the house and yard as I see fit."

If that doesn't work, what blarg said.

My dad once showed up at my house with an electric drill. I distracted him with cake.

PastryGoddess

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4836
    • My Image Portfolio and Store
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #18 on: November 13, 2012, 11:33:02 PM »

My evil twin would be tempted to go to his place, break a bunch of stuff, and then claim you were 'helping'.

Given the depth of his problem - he comes over when you're not there, and trashes stuff under the guise of repairs. You take away his key, so he brings over his own lawn equipment and trashes the lawn. He fails to see either that his 'help' isn't wanted, or that he is actually destroying stuff rather than fixing it.

He's not going to get hints. I'd say it's time for a major freak-out.  Get so mad that he can't fail to notice you are upset.  Tell him point blank that every time he does this, it costs you massive amounts of time and money. Present him with a bill for the clean up for the last mess he made.  Tell him point blank that he's not allowed to do anything in your home or on your property without your written consent *and* personal presence while he does it, and he's not allowed on your property without you there. If he disobeys this, he will not be allowed on your property at all.

Then stomp off in a huff and don't speak to him for a couple of weeks and ignore his phone calls.

If he *does* ignore you, and trashes something else, you send him a bill, and ignore him for a longer period. You also install a simple but noisy alarm system on your back lawn and windows (leave room for the mailman).  If you're on good terms with your neighbours, ask them to phone you immediately if they see your father on your property without you.

It sounds drastic, but by what you've described, he's deliberately and willfully done damage to your home that has cost you massive amounts of money to fix. Either you're going to have to get really tough and take a hard line, or you're going to have to learn to live with it, and budget "cleaning up after Dad" money as part of your monthly budget.  Or move to an apartment with security.




POD to this.  It usually only takes one time getting really really mad and having tears and snot involved.  I really think its the snot, Dads/Grandpas don't like seeing ugly crying :) 

LA lady

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 78
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #19 on: November 14, 2012, 09:51:57 AM »
I know he wants to feel needed but I always end up spending twice the money that I would have in the first place redoing what he thinks he did right the first time.

In a certain section of Interstate, I used to pass a huge sign (actually paipnted on the roof of the building)

"John's Plumbing.  We repair what your husband fixed."  I always got a great laugh, because my own DH can fix almost anything except plumbing.

Piratelvr1121

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 11110
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #20 on: November 14, 2012, 10:08:23 AM »
Your dad is Tim "The Toolman" Taylor? (Home Improvement)

I'm lucky to a degree that DH is pretty good at fixing things up, the problem is he takes so long to do it.  I mean when we found out we were expecting the babe a year and about 8 months ago, he started out building a room in the basement.  Guess when it got finished? When the babe was 10 months old.

Though I will say that when he knows something's beyond him, he will call in for help.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

peach2play

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 963
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #21 on: November 14, 2012, 04:02:31 PM »
You can not have it both ways.  You either have to hurt his feelings and be very direct about it or continue to endure his "helping".  You don't want to hurt his feelings because it makes you feel bad.  Which is worse? You feeling bad for a little while or him really messing something up in your house costing you a lot of money?  Your choice but hurting his feelings will be a lot less pain in the long run.

EMuir

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1383
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #22 on: November 14, 2012, 04:07:38 PM »
Not to worry you, but if his fixing abilities have gone downhill just recently, you may want to have him checked for dementia.  My FIL's started with him trying to help but doing odd things... like going to shovel snow and breaking off all the solar patio lights and shoveling the lawn so deep he actually dug up grass.

Raintree

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6034
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #23 on: November 15, 2012, 02:34:36 AM »
Is he related to that old woman in Spain who tried to restore a painting?

spookycatlady

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 420
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #24 on: November 15, 2012, 08:54:04 AM »
I'm going to agree with everyone who says to be direct.  If tears haven't swayed him (as with the lawn), then getting mad will have to do.

I wouldn't go so far as escalating to giving him a bill, but I would definitely get mad, every time he does it until he's skittish about coming over for any sort of 'help.'

I disagree with the soft sell, "Dad, I love you, but..."

It's now time for, "Stop disrespecting me and my house.  Stop it.  You've ruined enough things.  Stop."

It will hurt his feelings.  But the resentment his 'help' is building is hurting you.

O'Dell

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4372
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #25 on: November 15, 2012, 11:14:14 AM »
Another option, stony silence. Along with ugly crying (love that term, PastryG.), dads hate the silent treatment. The next time he informs you that he did some work at your house, don't respond and walk away.

You know your dad better than us. Choose from the options what has the best chance, then move on to another option if the first doesn't work.

Is he related to that old woman in Spain who tried to restore a painting?

LOL If he's been following that story..."Hey dad, you know that old lady in Spain? You did that with my deck."  >:D
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
Walt Whitman

Petticoats

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3494
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #26 on: November 15, 2012, 11:40:48 AM »
Would it work to present this as an issue of your pride and independence? As in, "Dad, it's so sweet that you still want to take care of me. But I'm grown up now, and it's important for me to be able to take care of things on my own. I kind of feel like I'm being treated as a little girl when things are done for me without me having a say in them, and that hurts my feelings. I'd really love to feel like you have the faith in me to take care of my own problems."

Minmom3

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2434
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #27 on: November 15, 2012, 11:58:33 AM »
Also, maybe tally up the expenses you've been put to to replace or repair his 'work'.  If it adds up to a substantial sum, he may realize that however much he's TRYING to help, he's actually costing you money you maybe cannot afford.
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

MrTango

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2386
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #28 on: November 15, 2012, 12:10:15 PM »
If using insurance as an excuse isn't successful, you may need to be very direct with him.

"Dad, this is my house.  I will decide how, when, and by whom maintenance is done.  I will decide what level of repair is good enough.  Do not bring this topic up again."

Yeah, it'll likely upset him and hurt his feelings, but it sounds like it's the only way to get him to back off.

weeblewobble

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3341
Re: Wanting things done properly
« Reply #29 on: November 15, 2012, 12:43:04 PM »
If you've made your feelings clear about the subject, would it be possible to find some other outlet for making him feel useful?