Author Topic: At a Loss  (Read 17897 times)

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oz diva

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #30 on: November 13, 2012, 11:28:22 PM »
When she heard that your son had asked you for a guitar, she could have called you and offered to help you buy him a nice one. But undermining your efforts by buying him a crappy one and then trying to fix it, that's just crazy behaviour.

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kudeebee

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #31 on: November 13, 2012, 11:33:06 PM »
I don't think you are overreacting. She has done this type of thing before.

Ds mentioned to mil that he had asked HIS PARENTS for a guitar.  It wasnt a wishful " i would like".  It was a specific statement.  Mil should never have taken it upon herself to buy a guitar.  She should have asked if you were planning to do it.  If you weren't she could have said she would like to get him one.

Last_Dance

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #32 on: November 14, 2012, 05:06:56 AM »
I don't think you're overreacting.

By going out and buying the guitar yourself when she knew your DS had asked you for one, she might have well have said "I know you're not going to that so I, being the nice caring granny I am, will make sure my grandson is not disappointed"
She hsould have definitely checked with you.
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laud_shy_girl

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #33 on: November 14, 2012, 05:19:38 AM »
I don't think you are overreacting. She has done this type of thing before.

Ds mentioned to mil that he had asked HIS PARENTS for a guitar.  It wasnt a wishful " i would like".  It was a specific statement.  Mil should never have taken it upon herself to buy a guitar.  She should have asked if you were planning to do it.  If you weren't she could have said she would like to get him one.

Not only this but she made sure he saw it and knew about it well before Xmas. why tell him unless she was trying to beat OP to the 'proverbial' punch.

That said, play the situation like a simple misunderstanding. "Oh mum (DH should be the one doing this.) I wish you had asked if we were going to get Son an instrument. Don't wast your money on getting the Guitar fixed as we have already gotten Son a supper duper Gold plated guitar with sprinkles.
“For too long, we've assumed that there is a single template for human nature, which is why we diagnose most deviations as disorders. But the reality is that there are many different kinds of minds. And that's a very good thing.” - Jonah Lehrer

Gyburc

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #34 on: November 14, 2012, 06:27:48 AM »
I'm with laudshygirl on this one. I think it's highly telling that MIL rushed out immediately to buy the guitar and told DS about it.

I would be really steaming about this. Ladyknight, you and your DH are the best placed to decide how to handle this, but I would definitely want to put my foot down hard.

I don't think you should jump straight to the cut direct, though - I would advocate your DH telling her that you are both angry and why. If she apologizes and seems sincere, great. If not, then you can escalate.

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MamaMootz

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #35 on: November 14, 2012, 08:16:33 AM »
I have to chime in and respectfully disagree with those posters that said this is no big deal.

If my DD had mentioned to her grandmother that she asked her for a guitar, and then grandma bought her one without checking with me first, I'd be pretty ticked off. The competitiveness doesn't enter in to the situation for me. How did the grandmother know that the parents said it was OK for the kid to have the guitar in the first place? Maybe the parents don't want the kid to have the guitar because it's too loud and they know their child will never follow through on learning to play it.  Or maybe the parents want the kid to earn the guitar with chores, or by a part time job. To me, it's about that - she actually just usurped the parent's decision making by buying the guitar without discussing it first.

Time for DH to have a good long talk with his mom - and actually, I would make her return the guitar/refuse the gift on DH's behalf.

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Jones

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #36 on: November 14, 2012, 08:37:35 AM »
I can't believe she bought him a broken, used guitar, showed it to him while it was broken, told him she was taking it to be fixed and it would be her Christmas gift. I've given secondhand things to people before but I take care of fixing and cleaning them up before the recipient sees it, and I don't show it to them a month out.

Harriet Jones

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #37 on: November 14, 2012, 08:42:29 AM »
If one of my kids had told someone that they had asked me for a certain big ticket gift, I'd hope that person would think to ask me before running out and buying that item.  What if I had already bought it or there were certain specifications that needed to be met?

ladyknight1

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #38 on: November 14, 2012, 08:58:44 AM »
The ball is now in DH's court. I told him that I will be polite and no more when we have to see MIL, but he needs to deal with this. Other than those occasions, I will have no contact with her. This is just the latest in 18 years of PA and competitive behavior on her part, and I simply do not need to deal with it any longer. (There are two people in my family that I am also cutting out, so this is not just singling out MIL for this one occasion. Anyone who brings pain to my life is my past, not my present.)

The guitar bought by MIL and shown to DS yesterday is used and damaged on the exterior, with no strings, so I don't know how the interior is or if it can even be played. She told him she had bought it from a thrift store. As far as I know, it can't be returned.

WillyNilly

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #39 on: November 14, 2012, 09:06:29 AM »
I don't understand the posters who are saying "she didn't know you were going to buy him one."  She knew he'd asked them to buy him one.  So regardless of their decision she knew he'd put it to them to decide, not her, and at the end of the day that's all that matters - mom and dad have been presented with this desire for them to decide how to proceed. 

And to the poster who said its not big deal they have two guitars and they love both - um that's exactly the issue!  OP wanted the chance to give her son his first guitar love.  One always loves their first just a bit most, even if its beater.  And grandma came and stole the guitar love thunder!  And that's no doubt why she showed it to him already, before even Thanksgiving, so his heart would fall in love with the one she got (does he even know there was a plan for a nice one in the works?  Sounds like it was supposed to be a surprise - so no matter what that first love possibility is gone.  And that to me is definitely a direct cut worthy move.)

And I think the direct cut has to be a family cut... or otherwise it can't be a direct cut, because clearly she needs only supervised conversations with the kid(s) if she thinks she gets to just make holiday plans with the still-minor-in-their-parents-care-kids without even discussing let alone getting the ok from the parents!  I mean did she expect son to ditch his holiday plans with his parents for her, or did she think son got to decide for the whole family where they went, mom & dad not even getting in on the conversation let alone the decision?!?!?
We have already had some friction over the past week since MIL thought it was DS' decision to visit them during the Thanksgiving holiday instead of his parents' decision.

blue2000

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #40 on: November 14, 2012, 09:19:01 AM »
I don't understand the posters who are saying "she didn't know you were going to buy him one."  She knew he'd asked them to buy him one.  So regardless of their decision she knew he'd put it to them to decide, not her, and at the end of the day that's all that matters - mom and dad have been presented with this desire for them to decide how to proceed. 

And to the poster who said its not big deal they have two guitars and they love both - um that's exactly the issue!  OP wanted the chance to give her son his first guitar love.  One always loves their first just a bit most, even if its beater.  And grandma came and stole the guitar love thunder!  And that's no doubt why she showed it to him already, before even Thanksgiving, so his heart would fall in love with the one she got (does he even know there was a plan for a nice one in the works?  Sounds like it was supposed to be a surprise - so no matter what that first love possibility is gone.  And that to me is definitely a direct cut worthy move.)

And I think the direct cut has to be a family cut... or otherwise it can't be a direct cut, because clearly she needs only supervised conversations with the kid(s) if she thinks she gets to just make holiday plans with the still-minor-in-their-parents-care-kids without even discussing let alone getting the ok from the parents!  I mean did she expect son to ditch his holiday plans with his parents for her, or did she think son got to decide for the whole family where they went, mom & dad not even getting in on the conversation let alone the decision?!?!?
We have already had some friction over the past week since MIL thought it was DS' decision to visit them during the Thanksgiving holiday instead of his parents' decision.

I don't think this is a 'first love'. First serious disappointment maybe, since the guitar is broken and can't be played. Most kids would be crushed if they asked for a big fancy present and got an old junker they can't even use.

She may be trying her best to make hers first but IMO, he should be thrilled to bits to have a really nice working guitar on Christmas morning, rather than the broken one Grandma gave him.
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Shoo

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #41 on: November 14, 2012, 09:27:01 AM »
I don't think you are overreacting. She has done this type of thing before.

Ds mentioned to mil that he had asked HIS PARENTS for a guitar.  It wasnt a wishful " i would like".  It was a specific statement.  Mil should never have taken it upon herself to buy a guitar.  She should have asked if you were planning to do it.  If you weren't she could have said she would like to get him one.

Exactly.  She should have never just gone ahead and bought it.  A purchase that significant needs to be cleared with his parents first.

Sophia

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #42 on: November 14, 2012, 09:30:32 AM »
If the MIL is trying to compete, she is doing a bad job of it. She bought a guitar that might not even work. 

rashea

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #43 on: November 14, 2012, 09:33:08 AM »
I don't know. When I started playing violin, I got a half decent one. It plays fine, but it's not a beautiful instrument. It's certainly a step up from what Grandma found, but you get the point. It was fine for learning fingering and bowing and basics.

Then, my DF got me a beautiful violin for Christmas. I was involved in picking it out, so no surprise. But, I love that violin. I play it every chance I get. It is my first love on the violin.

I still have the other one though. I can take it when I travel, or when I want to let a child play. Children love the idea of playing, but I'm not letting them touch my nice one until they can show me they know how to handle it appropriately.

I think Grandma overstepped. But I don't think it would occur to me that getting a guitar would need to be cleared through parents. I can understand the noise issue, but as for them giving it up, well, they give up most presents eventually. And the noise issue would depend on the living situation. So, if the dynamic wasn't already toxic, I would chalk this up to a misstep. With the background, I can understand why the OP isn't likely to do that, but I wanted to give that perspective.
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WillyNilly

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Re: At a Loss
« Reply #44 on: November 14, 2012, 09:39:20 AM »
I don't understand the posters who are saying "she didn't know you were going to buy him one."  She knew he'd asked them to buy him one.  So regardless of their decision she knew he'd put it to them to decide, not her, and at the end of the day that's all that matters - mom and dad have been presented with this desire for them to decide how to proceed. 

And to the poster who said its not big deal they have two guitars and they love both - um that's exactly the issue!  OP wanted the chance to give her son his first guitar love.  One always loves their first just a bit most, even if its beater.  And grandma came and stole the guitar love thunder!  And that's no doubt why she showed it to him already, before even Thanksgiving, so his heart would fall in love with the one she got (does he even know there was a plan for a nice one in the works?  Sounds like it was supposed to be a surprise - so no matter what that first love possibility is gone.  And that to me is definitely a direct cut worthy move.)

And I think the direct cut has to be a family cut... or otherwise it can't be a direct cut, because clearly she needs only supervised conversations with the kid(s) if she thinks she gets to just make holiday plans with the still-minor-in-their-parents-care-kids without even discussing let alone getting the ok from the parents!  I mean did she expect son to ditch his holiday plans with his parents for her, or did she think son got to decide for the whole family where they went, mom & dad not even getting in on the conversation let alone the decision?!?!?
We have already had some friction over the past week since MIL thought it was DS' decision to visit them during the Thanksgiving holiday instead of his parents' decision.

I don't think this is a 'first love'. First serious disappointment maybe, since the guitar is broken and can't be played. Most kids would be crushed if they asked for a big fancy present and got an old junker they can't even use.

She may be trying her best to make hers first but IMO, he should be thrilled to bits to have a really nice working guitar on Christmas morning, rather than the broken one Grandma gave him.

But with gifts isn't the cardinal truth "its the thought that counts"?  Grandma's thought was somewhere along the lines of "so... he asked his parents for one for Christmas... I know I'll get him one before that!"  Whether he loves the junker or even likes the junker is not really the big picture, the big picture is she tried to take that first guitar experience as her own.  Her thoughts weren't "oh wow my son & DIL work so hard and guitars are expensive, let me work with them to get grandson something wonderful" her thoughts were "ha!  Let me get him one first!"

It doesn't matter if her plan didn't/doesn't work.  It doesn't matter so much if the son doesn't actually fall in love with her junker.  The issue, what matters is that that's what she was trying to do.