At a Loss

[ladyknight1]

DH is a wonderful, patient husband and father. He communicates well, and listens (for the most part) to what people say. His mother, on the other hand is not patient and doesn't listen. We have had boundary trampling issues in the past with our family as a whole and DS in particular. We have changed our behavior to keep minimal contact for DH and I with MIL.

DS (14) decided this summer that he would like to have a guitar. I did research and got advice from a few friends that are musicians and picked out the perfect guitar to buy for him. I planned to spend a few hundred this Christmas on an archival quality instrument that he could pass down to his children. My family is on a budget, but we have found it worthwhile to spend the money for a better product than something we could get cheaper.

Somehow, MIL found out about the guitar idea. MIL went out and bought a damaged, used guitar at a resale shop. I am absolutely speechless at this point. Do I continue with my plans to buy DS the guitar? Do I confront MIL? Do I continue to let DS spend time with her?

What would you do in my place?

[Beyond The Veil]

My husband would be reading her the riot act. That is high disrespectful and inappropriate, and she clearly disregarded boundaries and your relationship with your child.

Above all else, your husband should be handling it. It's not acceptable.

[Jaelle]

I agree. He should deal with her ... and tell that you already have a guitar for DS and that's the end of it.

I'm sorry.   I'd be livid.

[Shoo]

I would be so mad, I'm afraid I'd really lose my temper with her, so I'd give the job of reading her the riot act to your husband, where it probably belongs.

And no, I would no longer allow her to spend time with him.  She has lost that privilege, IMO.

[Quest_]

That is not okay. She really took it upon herself to (poorly) hijack your gift idea? It was going to be your special present to your son. I would continue as planned. Your MIL will look foolish when she presents the damaged guitar but that's really her problem.

[ladyknight1]

Thank you for the comments. We have already had some friction over the past week since MIL thought it was DS' decision to visit them during the Thanksgiving holiday instead of his parents' decision.

This happened today, and she told DS the reason she bought a used one is she didn't want to waste money if he changes his mind about playing the guitar. 

Internally, I am screaming, but I am trying to remain calm until DH comes home.

[Deetee]

I would give MIL a heads up and let her know you already had the guitar picked out. Continue to give yours. Your son can have two.

Maybe hers can be used if he needs to go somewhere and doesn't want to take the real one. Or maybe it is so awful he never uses it.

It doesn't seem like a really big deal to me, as a bonus instrument seems useful.

[Shoo]

I would give MIL a heads up and let her know you already had the guitar picked out. Continue to give yours. Your son can have two.

Maybe hers can be used if he needs to go somewhere and doesn't want to take the real one. Or maybe it is so awful he never uses it.

It doesn't seem like a really big deal to me, as a bonus instrument seems useful.

The big deal is that grandma just completely stole the boy's parents' Christmas thunder. That guitar was going to be special.  It was picked out with love, and his parents obviously looked forward to giving him his first guitar.

Grandma took that right away from them.  That's a pretty big deal, IMO.

[Hmmmmm]

MIL way over stepped her boundaries. 

Since she didn't consult you before buying her guitar, I see no reason why you should consult her before buying the one you want your son to have. 

If on Xmas she throws a fit about you "duplicating" her gift, your DH can say no, it was she who duplicated the gift as it was always your intent to buy your son a guitar and she was well aware of that. 

[Jaelle]

She gave it to him already?? 

Oh, yeah, that would be it. She would be on a lengthy enforced break, especially with the background about Thanksgiving.

I do still think your DH should be the one to deal with her. Completely let her know that this is not acceptable.

Please continue to give your guitar. It will still be special.   I am so sorry.

[CocoCamm]

I would give MIL a heads up and let her know you already had the guitar picked out. Continue to give yours. Your son can have two.

Maybe hers can be used if he needs to go somewhere and doesn't want to take the real one. Or maybe it is so awful he never uses it.

It doesn't seem like a really big deal to me, as a bonus instrument seems useful.

The big deal is that grandma just completely stole the boy's parents' Christmas thunder. That guitar was going to be special.  It was picked out with love, and his parents obviously looked forward to giving him his first guitar.

Grandma took that right away from them.  That's a pretty big deal, IMO.

Was he given the guitar already? I read it as that Grandma bought the used guitar with the intention of it being a Christmas gift. If this is the case then the OP will still get to give the first guitar on Christmas morning. If he gets another guitar later in the day or week, especially a used one I highly doubt it will spoil the OPs plan as hers is cooler. Heck even if he does already have the used guitar I bet he's still stoked about the new fancy one!

Thats not to say that Grandma is in the right. If she knew this was the plan then she waaaayyy overstepped and a talking to is in order.

[Outdoor Girl]

Not cool at all.  I agree with the others; have DH read her the riot act, gift DS with the quality instrument at Christmas and return/sell the substandard one.  (Unless you/DS wants to keep it as a travelling instrument.)

When my nephews were getting to the point that they'd need a razor to shave, my Dad wanted to buy one for them for the next gift giving occasion.  I suggested that he double check with my brother to make sure my brother didn't care one way or the other about being the person to buy them their first electric razor.  Brother didn't care so my Dad went ahead.

[atirial]

I would be furious, not just because of the whole issue of upstaging your gift, but you should probably let your DH handle it as she is his mother.

Somehow, MIL found out about the guitar idea. MIL went out and bought a damaged, used guitar at a resale shop.

This is what I don't get.  A second hand instrument I can understand, but a damaged one not so much. Is it actually useable? If not, is she expecting you to pay for the repairs?

Giving your son a damaged instrument apparently expecting he will give up playing the guitar seems more likely to put him off than encourage a love of playing.

[TootsNYC]

I would absolutely still give the guitar you picked out.

I would not discuss it with anybody except DH.


Yours will be the one he takes with him everywhere, the one he plays.

[squeakers]

Having a shabby secondhand guitar is good for going camping/at the beach or when the bratty younger cousin wants to play your good guitar.  A damaged non-playing one on the other hand is only good for the fire.

I think it is time to stop discussing any future gifts with your MIL.  If she doesn't know about them she can't try to steal your thunder.