Dear bossy, paying for own birthday dinner

[squashedfrog]

I would be interested to see how other E-Hellions view this one.

http://blogs.news.com.au/bossy/index.php/news/comments/hes_making_me_pay_for_my_own_birthday_dinner/P20/

I think if it were me, I'd say no to the fancy restaurant he expected me to pay for, and ask him to cook me a special meal instead.    The cheek!

NB try not to read too many of the comments, some serious trolls there!

[rashea]

I get it. When you're dating, falling into the going out to dinner routine is easy. But it seems far easier to find a few ways to go out that don't cost much. Dinner at home, movie from Redbox, flying a kite, there are lots of cheap options.

[Virg]

rashea beat me to the punch.  I was about to mention the idea that they should discuss what they can afford and work something out, and I found it odd that "Bossy" didn't mention that possibility.  I agree that the LW should put aside the resentment about paying for her own birthday dinner because I agree that it sounds like he won't pay because he can't afford it, not that he doesn't want to do it.  That said, I also think he should consider that and try to come up with cheaper ways to celebrate without going someplace "cheap".

Virg

[CakeBeret]

I think her suggestion that they go ahead to the $$$ restaurant on the LW's dime and she should suck it up and have a good time is a little preposterous. I think the LW should talk to the boyfriend in advance, maybe say that she would love a homecooked meal from him for her birthday.

[Twik]

It's one thing for him to be poor. That's not a character fault. But he appears to expect that, since she is "rich" (comparatively), she will pay his way for everything.

What bothers me is that he's already taken her to an expensive restaurant, and after eating, announced that he had no money. What if she didn't have any either? At best, this is poor planning - at worst, it sounds like he's learning his mooching skills, presenting a front of "just because I suggested we should go to Chez Trop Cher, doesn't mean I ever intended to pay for it. That was a very unwarranted assumption on your part."

If he can't afford to eat out, he should let her know what he *can* pay for, and let her be at least a 50-50 partner in the decision, even if she's paying 100% of the bill.

[Amara]

I wonder what she would like to do if he wasn't part of the equation. Would she choose to go out to an expensive dinner with good friends? Or would she choose some personal care like a day spa? Or would she enjoy cooking a meal (gourmet or casual) with friends and seeing a new movie? Or perhaps just taking a long drive to the mountains or beach and spending the day sightseeing? Whatever it is she should propose that instead. It is her birthday. She gets to choose.

What will be telling her is not her choice so much as his reaction when she makes that choice. If he is real he will support that, bring her a gift he can afford--even flowers picked in a field and arranged in a pretty thrift store vase--would be great. But if going out to a restaurant he picked is only what he wants then ... the facts become pretty clear.

[Cat-Fu]

Just a note, Kate de Brito says in the comments that the OP is a man.

I don't agree that the OP should suck it up and pay for his own birthday dinner at someplace super expensive. I think this is one of those cases where communication has to happen before his resentment reaches levels that will lead to the end of the relationship.

[Twik]

OK, same principle, though - saying "let's go to Chez Trop Cher," without intending to pay for it, and not saying you intend to pay for it, is wrong, whether you're male or female. The only slight difference is that perhaps the GF comes from a culture where men are expected to pay as a matter of course. However, in that case, it has been expected that partners who are not users either let the man pick the restaurant, or make sure that they do not suggest anything expensive.

The OP clearly comes from a tradition where either side pays their own share, as the standard. If the GF isn't, then he's going to have to learn to put the brakes on, and respond, "No, I can't afford Chez Trop Cher. Let's try Rick's Reasonable Cafe, the food is good there."

[Winterlight]

I think Italian Guy sounds like a mooch. There's no mention of him coming up with cheap/free dates, instead, the LW is paying for everything. And considering that IG picked a place last time, then announced after the bill came that he couldn't pay, I'd be rethinking this relationship since there's no reciprocity.

[bopper]

When I was in college I had a little bit more money than my BF.  Normally we would do free or cheap things, but if I wanted to go to a nicer restaurant once in a while I would offer to pay for it.  But never did he suggest we do something expensive and expect I pay for it.

[LifeOnPluto]

I'm a huge fan of Ask Bossy. And yeah, several of the posters there are regular trolls!

I think the Italian Boyfriend has a huge cheek. He's basically suggesting an expensive restaurant, but expecting the LW to pay for both of them. AND the LW is supposed to be the Guest of Honour! I would not be impressed if I was dating a guy who tried this on.

Personally, I think the Italian Boyfriend needs to make more of an effort to do something special for the LW's birthday, even if it doesn't cost much. And the LW certainly shouldn't feel obliged to spring for both dinners at the expensive restaurant if he doesn't want to. 

[Hmmmmm]

I think her suggestion that they go ahead to the $$$ restaurant on the LW's dime and she should suck it up and have a good time is a little preposterous. I think the LW should talk to the boyfriend in advance, maybe say that she would love a homecooked meal from him for her birthday.

POD to this.  He's a mooch.  The LW should respond "no, I can't afford that restaurant for my Bday." and then see how his BF responds.

[Coruscation]

OK, same principle, though - saying "let's go to Chez Trop Cher," without intending to pay for it, and not saying you intend to pay for it, is wrong, whether you're male or female. The only slight difference is that perhaps the GF comes from a culture where men are expected to pay as a matter of course. However, in that case, it has been expected that partners who are not users either let the man pick the restaurant, or make sure that they do not suggest anything expensive.

The OP clearly comes from a tradition where either side pays their own share, as the standard. If the GF isn't, then he's going to have to learn to put the brakes on, and respond, "No, I can't afford Chez Trop Cher. Let's try Rick's Reasonable Cafe, the food is good there."

LW is also a guy.

[Ceallach]

OK, same principle, though - saying "let's go to Chez Trop Cher," without intending to pay for it, and not saying you intend to pay for it, is wrong, whether you're male or female. The only slight difference is that perhaps the GF comes from a culture where men are expected to pay as a matter of course. However, in that case, it has been expected that partners who are not users either let the man pick the restaurant, or make sure that they do not suggest anything expensive.

The OP clearly comes from a tradition where either side pays their own share, as the standard. If the GF isn't, then he's going to have to learn to put the brakes on, and respond, "No, I can't afford Chez Trop Cher. Let's try Rick's Reasonable Cafe, the food is good there."

LW is also a guy.

I just came to post the same thing - the LW is a guy, as is his partner, so it's not a gender role issue.

Sometimes in relationships it's all about setting expectations.    If LW is as generous as he indicates and has a tendency to treat all the time, I can see how the partner could have fallen into an assumption or habit that this is how the relationship is, without intending to be presumptuous or freeload.   If LW doesn't want to be treating all the time he needs to be honest about this and carefully set the expectation to something that does work for him. Perhaps the partner thinks the LW has expensive taste and assumes that he won't want to go anywhere cheaper, who knows.   But either way I think if they can't set any honest expectations with each other now then it will just build resentment.

[Brisvegasgal]

I read that post the other day too (totally agree that there are too many trolls making comments) and thought that the boyfriend was totally rude making dates for places he can't pay for.