Dear bossy, paying for own birthday dinner

[Emmy]

I have to say mooch as well.  It is not about him having money, but he seems to have expensive tastes and be sneaky by only saying he has no money when the bill comes.  I would think somebody who was not a user would be trying to find creative, fun ways to spend time together (or at least be upfront about the money situation and let the bill payer choose the restaurant).  If this guy chose a fancy restaurant for his SO's birthday and expects her to pay for the big night out, he is really showing no effort in making her birthday special for her.  If I was in this woman's shoes, I would feel much more honored if the man would plan an inexpensive special date for my birthday, then choosing a fancy restaurant with the expectation of getting a free meal.  I don't think a person can turn off resentment like a faucet and the OP will wind up resenting the situation if her date left her with the bill again.  He may be willing to surprise her by springing for dinner, but it isn't worth taking the chance of a ruined evening if he didn't, especially since he has a reputation for not paying. 

I believe that this can be an awkward conversation to have, but if a person would blow up or get upset that their SO did not want to subsidize their fancy dinner plans, then good riddance.  It is better to discuss and know where she stands than to continue on and feel used and resentful. 

[MsOverThinker]

I just came to post the same thing - the LW is a guy, as is his partner, so it's not a gender role issue.

This made me feel better about the whole thing, since some of the troll comments were all about how women are such moochers, but when the tables are turned . . .

I do agree with Bossy that it's a bit late to bring this up -- my boyfriend and I have been trading off who buys dinner for 3 years.  We make exceptions for special occasions.  If I want to take him to Chez Expensive Place for his birthday or on a romantic just-because, it's on my dime, whether it's my turn or not.  But if LW knows he's always going to have to pay no matter what, he CAN exert his preference to avoid super-expensive dinners, as previous posters have said.

[PurpleFrog]

Moochy mooch mooch and he won't change.

From someone who's ex took them away for a romantic weekend on her birthday, and informed het in the car she was paying for accommodation, food, and attractions for both of them (i would have expected to split meals and attractions) his contribution was booking the hotel. Not sure why I stayed with that one as long as I did.

[Twik]

I just came to post the same thing - the LW is a guy, as is his partner, so it's not a gender role issue.

This made me feel better about the whole thing, since some of the troll comments were all about how women are such moochers, but when the tables are turned . . .

I do agree with Bossy that it's a bit late to bring this up -- my boyfriend and I have been trading off who buys dinner for 3 years.  We make exceptions for special occasions.  If I want to take him to Chez Expensive Place for his birthday or on a romantic just-because, it's on my dime, whether it's my turn or not.  But if LW knows he's always going to have to pay no matter what, he CAN exert his preference to avoid super-expensive dinners, as previous posters have said.

Yes, for some reason I had a hard time figuring that out, because so often money issues are clouded by gender roles, and I kept assuming that had to be part of it. But in this case, neither of them could claim a traditional expectation that one partner should pay for everything, although since one of them is a student, obviously he cannot afford as much as the employed partner.

If you are poorer than your partner, you still should provide him/her a birthday present to the best of your ability, even if that's just baking cookies or taking him/her for a specialty coffee. Otherwise, it's like PurpleFrog's ex, who seemed to assume that merely making the arrangements for the treat (or suggesting it) is quite enough to count as a present, even if the recipient ends up paying for both of them. As they say, a good deal if you can get it.