Gym "flirt" -- did he cross the line?

[Drawberry]

That's called sexual harassment. That's also called being a gross piece of garbage.

If only his daughter could have heard those statements....


Report him to gym management, keep track of any times he harasses you and if the management at the gym does nothing bring it up with the authorities. Your boyfriend is a witness and can back you up on his disgusting behavior.

I know that we're all taught to be passive and non-aggressive, but you have every right to say something to him. This is unacceptable behavior and when it goes unchecked he's only being taught that it's acceptable for him to harass strangers.

Frankly I'd be pretty pissed off if I was out with my boyfriend and he flippantly ignored some guy treating me like a piece of meat at a butcher shop. It isn't that your expecting the man in the relationship to 'fight your battles', but it's rather that he seems unaffected and uninterested in the harassment you face. Thanks for the back up honey.

Absolutely this guy crossed the line, if you ever feel uncomfortable then they've crossed the line.

[JenJay]

I was in a similar position once and as much as I'd love to say "I would have told him to knock it off!" what I actually did was high-tail it to my large, male coworker and tell him some creep was freaking me out. Then I hid out in a back area until he was gone. It was early enough that management wasn't in.

What I most likely would have done in your situation was get away from him and complain to management that he was making unwanted lewd comments and they needed to do something about it. I wouldn't have expected my DH to say anything. In fact I would have been hoping he wouldn't. My DH is rarely eHell-approved and his reaction probably would have got all 3 of us put on notice. 

[JenJay]

Yes, the guy crossed the line.  And yes, I'd be pretty angry at my BF for not telling him so.

No offense, but this is pretty sexist.  The OP should have spoken up since she was the one being harassed, and if that didn't work she should have gone to management.  While it is is great to have a SO support you, it's important to be able to take action against these sorts of things on your own.

While I understand what you are getting at, I do think what made this situation weird was that he was talking to my boyfriend 100%, not to me. That's the only reason I think he might have listened to him -- though he obviously didn't listen to either of us (and other posters are right that we're both nonconfrontational to a fault).

We chose not to let it get to us because it was so absurd it was easier to ignore one ranting weird man than engage the staff, but I appreciate everyone saying they'd have engaged a professional's assistance.

It is very odd when someone is talking "to" you, except they aren't, and it can be difficult to figure out how to react.

At my former job we had some extra help come in for a few days because we were preparing for a big inspection. One of the extras was a department manager from another store who was friendly with my dept. manager. I'd never met him before but I'm perfectly capable or working with people I've just met. Him, not so much.

For two days it was "Tell her to do this." and "Tell her to set up that." Each time he'd be speaking to my manager but I'd be within earshot. Finally on the third morning I was standing on one side of a display, my manager was on another side of the same display, maybe 3-4 feet away, and this guy was another 3-4 feet beyond my manager, so 6-8 feet from me and easily within hearing and eyesight. He says, to my manager of course, "Tell her to finish that up and then do the other thing." I'd had enough so I said to my manager "Tell him I'm standing right here and he should feel free to speak directly to me!" My manager went  and then  and then said "She's got you there!"

Of course the jerk extra manager never did speak directly to me. Instead he just pretended I didn't exist which suited me just fine as I was free to do my job as usual.

[LifeOnPluto]

I would have said to this creep: "You do realise that's my boyfriend you're talking to, right?"

If he responded with "Who cares?! You're so hot that I just can't help it, etc," I would have moved away to another area. And possibly notified the staff.

I also don't think the OP's BF was rude for not confronting the creep. It sounds like he tried (by saying "come on, dude") but that didn't work. Also, if this guy was bigger and/or clearly spoiling for a fight, it would have been a very stupid move for the BF to confront him.

[Raintree]

What I probably would have done: left in disgust, or gone to a different area of the gym.

What I would like to think I would have done: Said boldly and loudly, loud enough for everyone else in the gym to hear, "DUDE! Why are you making such creepy comments? Seriously, your comments are creepy and unwelcome, and you're embarrassing yourself. If this CREEPY behaviour continues, you will be reported to management for sexual harrassment. Do you understand?"

Kind of along the same lines as how to deal with subway fondlers. They count on their victims being quiet and really don't want everyone else to know about their behaviour.

[JadeAngel]

And I wouldn't be that thrilled at my boyfriend "taking the bait," perhaps. Maybe a fight is what this guy wanted. And, from years of living in NYC, I don't want the confrontation; I don't want to win; I want to be free of the situation--not just in the moment, but in mindshare. So I prefer the solution that has the shortest mental and emotional repercussions *for me*.

That's the impression I got too, that he was not trying to hit on you so much as he was trying to push your boyfriends buttons and get into a confrontation with him, and far from being pissed with him for not taking this guy on I would applaud my boyfriend in this situation for keeping his cool and just letting this creeps comments go because he isn't worth it on any level.

I would still go to the staff at the gym and tell them what happened, they need to know if this guy is harassing other women in their gym, because either they'll start losing female members or the next guy he tries this on will take him up on his offer and they'll have a testosterone implosion in the middle of the workout area... better to lose one member than many. If this guy can't keep his disgusting comments to himself then he can work out somewhere else... preferably Siberia.

[Cat-Fu]

FTR, I do think it's important when looking back on this to realize that your reaction was pretty normal. Generally speaking, women think they will react to creeps more strongly than they actually would in real life. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Hunter-Gatherer]

Ignoring and lifting continue, while he keeps making remarks, telling BF how pretty/hot/sexy "she" is; he gets pretty weird, saying things like that I remind him of his oldest daughter.

Even ignoring just how inappropriate the rest of it is, saying how pretty/hot/sexy you are, and then saying you remind him of his daughter is probably the creepiest thing I can imagine.  I mean, really?   You've just said you find you daughter hot/sexy, which is about a 47 on the creepy scale of 1-10.

To agree with what others have said though, the thing to do would have been for both you and your boyfriend to tell management that this guy was harassing you.

[Twik]

That's called sexual harassment. That's also called being a gross piece of garbage.

If only his daughter could have heard those statements....

I truly hope that she doesn't. If he's got such boundary-blindness, who knows?

[weeblewobble]

I would have said to this creep: "You do realise that's my boyfriend you're talking to, right?"

If he responded with "Who cares?! You're so hot that I just can't help it, etc," I would have moved away to another area. And possibly notified the staff.

I also don't think the OP's BF was rude for not confronting the creep. It sounds like he tried (by saying "come on, dude") but that didn't work. Also, if this guy was bigger and/or clearly spoiling for a fight, it would have been a very stupid move for the BF to confront him.

Yeah, I hate the "you're so hot, I can't help it" line as it basically negates any responsibility that a grown man has over his own hormones/actions.   

[jmarvellous]

Ignoring and lifting continue, while he keeps making remarks, telling BF how pretty/hot/sexy "she" is; he gets pretty weird, saying things like that I remind him of his oldest daughter.

Even ignoring just how inappropriate the rest of it is, saying how pretty/hot/sexy you are, and then saying you remind him of his daughter is probably the creepiest thing I can imagine.  I mean, really?   You've just said you find you daughter hot/sexy, which is about a 47 on the creepy scale of 1-10.

To agree with what others have said though, the thing to do would have been for both you and your boyfriend to tell management that this guy was harassing you.

Agreed. The rest, well, on talking about it again last night with BF (who feels pretty bad for saying nothing but also recognizes that this guy's main goal was to fire him up -- and thanks to his personality and background as a Zen priest, my guy is pretty calm in the worst situation, if also nonconfrontational), we agree was just bluster. That comment was straight-up gross.

Not that I know the age of his daughter, but he did say something about not getting to see "these kinds of things on this side of 30," which leads me to believe his daughter is unlikely to actually be like me in terms of age/looks in an ordinary "you two look alike" way. I didn't get a good look at him (unlike him, I don't stare at strangers off to the side when I'm busy working out), but I'd guess he was 35-45.

[Yvaine]

He crossed a few lines and can't even see the initial line from where he is currently positioned. It's people like him that convince so many to go to all-one-sex gyms.

This, exactly. This is the kind of guy who puts women off gyms. Nobody wants to think they're providing free entertainment for some lout while exercising, either by being up to the guy's beauty standards or by being not up to the guy's beauty standards (because this is the same type of guy who will heckle the women who aren't in perfect shape yet). Gyms are full of attractive people in tight clothing, so it's natural to look, but one should ogle discreetly.

[Mikayla]

I can't throw anybody under the bus here for their behavior (other than the perv, of course).  For me, there's a big difference between reacting to a pattern of behavior vs the reaction when some unexpectedly slams into you with no warning.

In this situation, it would have been fine for your BF to react to the guy, but I also think it was fine not to.  It would be very different if, say, his best friend had a pattern of dissing you in front of him, or making suggestive comments, etc. and he refused to address it. 

I have no idea what I would have done, since I couldn't even finish reading the OP! 

[Barb3000]

If this creep was making these remarks to you in front of your BF, I can only imagine how he would harass a woman by herself. I would report him to management.

Also, maybe keep an Ipod and earphones in your gym bag so you can tune him out. It must have been really uncomfortable listening to him. yecchhh.

[TootsNYC]

I still think you should call the gym. It'll make you feel like you *did* something, and it really is important for them to know about it.