Gym "flirt" -- did he cross the line?

[Hmmmmm]

That's called sexual harassment. That's also called being a gross piece of garbage.

If only his daughter could have heard those statements....


Report him to gym management, keep track of any times he harasses you and if the management at the gym does nothing bring it up with the authorities. Your boyfriend is a witness and can back you up on his disgusting behavior.

I know that we're all taught to be passive and non-aggressive, but you have every right to say something to him. This is unacceptable behavior and when it goes unchecked he's only being taught that it's acceptable for him to harass strangers.

Frankly I'd be pretty pissed off if I was out with my boyfriend and he flippantly ignored some guy treating me like a piece of meat at a butcher shop. It isn't that your expecting the man in the relationship to 'fight your battles', but it's rather that he seems unaffected and uninterested in the harassment you face. Thanks for the back up honey.

Absolutely this guy crossed the line, if you ever feel uncomfortable then they've crossed the line.

Actually, we are not all taught to the passive. 

But I think the guy  interpreted your boyfriend's first response as a half smile to his first  sleazy remark.  Since he addresses the first remark to your BF, he should have responded with a "that is seriously not cool" and if he didn't shut up then, you are fully within your right to tell the guy he can find another place in the gym  tonwork out or you will  report him to management.

[LeveeWoman]

I still think you should call the gym. It'll make you feel like you *did* something, and it really is important for them to know about it.

Yes, it is. I wouldn't be surprised if jmarvellous is NOT the only one he's harassed.

ETA the "NOT".

[gramma dishes]

I think your BF handled it fine just by largely ignoring the creepy guy.  Had he protested any more than he did, the creepy guy's interpretation would have been that he had succeeded in making your BF jealous.  Obviously your BF has enough self confidence to know that you weren't going to be 'excited happily' over the other one's gross remarks.

It would have been fine if either or both of you had shut him down after his first sentence, but ignoring him was fine too.   

Frankly, you and BF did great  (in my humble opinion) by not letting it show that he was really disturbing you.  Hopefully it was a real blow to his ego to get no response at all.  Good job!

However, if it ever happens again.  Just stop whatever you're doing and go to someone on the gym's management team and let them know that this has happened before and now it's happening again.

[jmarvellous]

I still think you should call the gym. It'll make you feel like you *did* something, and it really is important for them to know about it.

I get what you're saying, but I am pretty sure "brown haired, tan man between 35 and 50" isn't going to help the gym staff much. I would feel pretty silly calling to report something from four days ago with such a vague description.

I will keep everyone's comments in mind in case there's an unfortunate second incident.

[gingerzing]

I still think you should call the gym. It'll make you feel like you *did* something, and it really is important for them to know about it.

I get what you're saying, but I am pretty sure "brown haired, tan man between 35 and 50" isn't going to help the gym staff much. I would feel pretty silly calling to report something from four days ago with such a vague description.

I will keep everyone's comments in mind in case there's an unfortunate second incident.

You may be surprised.  I mentioned something to our gym's front desk crew about a woman who was making comments about something (not harassmening anyone really).  I asked if they knew about the white hair gal who was talking about cleaning crew to EVERYONE.  Yes, they knew who she was and yes, they were keeping track of her comments. 

[LeveeWoman]

I still think you should call the gym. It'll make you feel like you *did* something, and it really is important for them to know about it.

I get what you're saying, but I am pretty sure "brown haired, tan man between 35 and 50" isn't going to help the gym staff much. I would feel pretty silly calling to report something from four days ago with such a vague description.

I will keep everyone's comments in mind in case there's an unfortunate second incident.

I'd go ahead and give them a call. They might already know about him and could be looking for further justification to boot him. Even if they don't know about him, reporting him for the first time will give your possible second report more weight.

[TootsNYC]

It would have been fine if either or both of you had shut him down after his first sentence, but ignoring him was fine too.   

Do you really think they could have done that, succeeded at truly "shutting him down"?

I agree with grammadishes that the OP and her boyfriend did fine--though I personally might say that they would have done MORE fine if they had left the area immediately.

But sometimes people (not just here, but definitely here) think they *can* "shut someone down," and I think that's a great part of the problem today.

People think they can make other people behave a certain way, if they just say the right thing.

They can't. And the OP and her boyfriend instinctively knew this.

All of us (including me, often) would do better to remember it.

[TurtleDove]

But sometimes people (not just here, but definitely here) think they *can* "shut someone down," and I think that's a great part of the problem today.

People think they can make other people behave a certain way, if they just say the right thing.

They can't. And the OP and her boyfriend instinctively knew this.

All of us (including me, often) would do better to remember it.

Bravo!

[Jloreli]

He was totally out of line. In your shoes I would have told him once very clearly using small words that his comments were offensive and unwelcome. If he persisted I would have told management and expected that they would tell him to stuff a sock in it or be tossed out. If it had gotten to the level of me involving gym management and they didn't make it clear that the behavior would not be tolerated....or they didn't follow thru if he continued...I would be Very Displeased. Like pull my membership and run my mouth about it all over town Very Displeased.

Mr JL would have been told rather firmly that I can handle it thankyouverymuch....though he would have been more than happy to rather quickly tell Mr. Gym Creeper to shut it. My motive for trying to keep him out of it would be two fold....firstly he has a short fuse and the whole situation would get ugly too fast....and secondly (and in my book more importantly) to show the Gym Creeper that women not only are not amused or charmed by that behavior but are also not going to tolerate it. Which is different IMHO than having a DH/BF say stop the crap because she's taken.....that implies that the behavior is only wrong because he's chosen the wrong target, not that it is wrong full stop.

[gramma dishes]

...   and secondly (and in my book more importantly) to show the Gym Creeper that women not only are not amused or charmed by that behavior but are also not going to tolerate it. Which is different IMHO than having a DH/BF say stop the crap because she's taken.....that implies that the behavior is only wrong because he's chosen the wrong target, not that it is wrong full stop.

This.  Precisely!

[TootsNYC]

I can understand not wanting to call now, 4 days later.

And in a way, calling is "prolonging the unpleasantness for you," by continuing to give it mindshare.

But if you ever see him again, I hope you will feel that you could go up to the desk and say, "See that guy over there on the chest-press bench? A couple of weeks ago he was making really offensive comments to about me to my boyfriend--it was really unpleasant. We tried to just ignore him, but it was really out of line, and I wanted you to know about it. Honestly, he should have been kicked out of the gym for it, now that I'm not 'in the moment' anymore. I don't expect you to necessarily do anything about it now, but I wanted you to know about it, so it helps you build a more accurate picture of this customer."

Think of it as being helpful to the gym management.

[Yankeegal77]

First, I'm really sorry that you had to put up with this. I think you and your boyfriend did the best you really could. I mean, you came in to work out and this guy was horribly over the line. He couldn't even see it anymore.

Like others have said, this isn't flirting. Flirting is the guy next to me on the treadmill who pretended to not know how to use the machine and asked nicely for my help. I knew he was full of it, he knew I knew, but we had a pleasant conversation.

I have learned that any reaction will act as fuel for scumbags like this. I most likely would have stopped what I was doing and said keep it up, I'll have you tossed out. If he kept it up, I would have had a staff member come talk to him.

Two previous posters had some great thoughts:

1. Rebuking him *very loudly* would have drawn attention and possibly really embarrassed him--especially with other "hot" women around. I can guarantee that most men there would not have taken kindly to the fact a woman was being harassed. And the females would have been on alert to *not* work out anywhere near this dude.

2. And I agree with another poster who said the staff most likely knows about this guy, but maybe needs more complaints or to catch him in the act in order to throw him out. Or, he might be a new guy who needs to be on their radar. Either way, when you go in, ask to speak to management, explain the situation and say you want them to be aware that females may be reluctant to come in if this guy is a regular.

Given the number of females who are serious athletes, or just serious about getting into/staying in shape, a gym manager would be an idiot to allow someone like this to stay around. And another reason to put the gym on alert?  Not to be an alarmist or sexist, but I'm super glad your boyfriend was there. This jerk may have been aggressive enough to follow you to your car. He might follow another "hot" woman to the parking lot if he didn't feel gratified in a reaction within the gym walls.

So, yeah. Still tell management.

[snowdragon]

I still think you should call the gym. It'll make you feel like you *did* something, and it really is important for them to know about it.

I get what you're saying, but I am pretty sure "brown haired, tan man between 35 and 50" isn't going to help the gym staff much. I would feel pretty silly calling to report something from four days ago with such a vague description.

I will keep everyone's comments in mind in case there's an unfortunate second incident.

actually it might. I had a teen kid make some really obnoxious comments about my chest a while ago, and no matter where I moved or if someone tried to block his view I could not escape him - he'd make comments and scream them across the Y like "Hey, dad, hers bounce when she rides the bike....bounce, bounce, I wanna see them bounce". I reported him to my trainer and he knew ex.act.ly which family this was, the entire staff knew.  Since the guy you describe is so obnoxious I'd bet they know him, too. It will likely not be the first he's been reported.

[Bijou]

I would have complained to the staff about him harassing you then and there.  Maybe the gym can help him to restrict his exercise to his own living room.