Author Topic: Daughter doesn't want to vacation w/ g-parents  (Read 5409 times)

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elephantschild

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Re: Daughter doesn't want to vacation w/ g-parents
« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2012, 05:45:22 PM »
I think that the OP is trying not to put that awkward moment on the shoulders of her daughter, however. And I don't blame her.

I'm surprised that so many are saying the granddaughter should be the one to deliver the news, when it sounds like it was mainly a parental decision. (That the daughter happens to agree with.) I'd never drop that conversation on my kids, especially if I was trying to maintain the grandparent/grandchild dynamic at all.
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VorFemme

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Re: Daughter doesn't want to vacation w/ g-parents
« Reply #16 on: November 15, 2012, 05:48:07 PM »

In this case, Daughter shuts down the trip conversation by making it clear it's not happening. However, it also clearly indicates that this decision was made by you and your husband (i.e., not Daughter's decision to explain or justify) and tells her who she should talk to about it. If Grandma asks why, Daughter can always repeat "Dad said it wouldn't work this year. He wanted to talk to you about it himself" and change the subject.


This actually should work, with "normal" grandparents - sometimes summers get tied up with other things as kids get older (band camp, basketball camp, tennis camp, computer camp, church camp, etc. come to mind). 

If the grandparents aren't "normal" (and we've gotten hints that Grandma, at least, has a few issues that have her DIL being unhappy with the way that she is treated - and possibly DGD is being treated like her mother - while DH/DS of the Grandmother is treated well enough that he is only unhappy about the way that his family is treated by his mother) - then this won't work because nothing will work because Grandma gets her way or makes everyone WISH that they'd done things the way that Grandma wanted them done...

Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Yvaine

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Re: Daughter doesn't want to vacation w/ g-parents
« Reply #17 on: November 15, 2012, 05:56:04 PM »
I think that the OP is trying not to put that awkward moment on the shoulders of her daughter, however. And I don't blame her.

I'm surprised that so many are saying the granddaughter should be the one to deliver the news, when it sounds like it was mainly a parental decision. (That the daughter happens to agree with.) I'd never drop that conversation on my kids, especially if I was trying to maintain the grandparent/grandchild dynamic at all.

Me neither. I think it would be really off base to make the child be the "heavy" here. This is a situation where her parents need to have her back. She's 12 and it probably took guts just to tell her parents she didn't want to go--this isn't a situation where she's 18 or 20 and needs to fully fight all her own battles. You get there in steps, not overnight.

Onyx_TKD

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Re: Daughter doesn't want to vacation w/ g-parents
« Reply #18 on: November 15, 2012, 06:30:30 PM »
I think that the OP is trying not to put that awkward moment on the shoulders of her daughter, however. And I don't blame her.

I'm surprised that so many are saying the granddaughter should be the one to deliver the news, when it sounds like it was mainly a parental decision. (That the daughter happens to agree with.) I'd never drop that conversation on my kids, especially if I was trying to maintain the grandparent/grandchild dynamic at all.

Me neither. I think it would be really off base to make the child be the "heavy" here. This is a situation where her parents need to have her back. She's 12 and it probably took guts just to tell her parents she didn't want to go--this isn't a situation where she's 18 or 20 and needs to fully fight all her own battles. You get there in steps, not overnight.

To clarify, I don't think the daughter should be the one to break the news to Grandma. I think it's good that the OP's husband made sure to talk to her first.

However, the OP presented two hypothetical conversations of what might happen if the daughter were to talk to Grandma first. The desired outcome seemed to be for Grandma to drop the topic of the trip until she talked to the OP's husband. What I am saying is that I would not expect the OP's "ideal" conversation to get the desired point across to even a reasonable person, so trying to use it on an unreasonable person seems futile. OTOH, I would expect a statement like "Dad said I can't go, but he wants to discuss it with you himself" to get the point across to a reasonable person, so it seems like a better option to try on Grandma unless the OP already knows that she will react poorly to this. Also, I didn't think the "non-ideal" example demonstrated unreasonable behavior from Grandma--if the daughter asks Grandma to contact her dad, then finding out when is a good time to call seems reasonable. Also, the OP implied that Grandma has never been told that Daughter doesn't enjoy the trips, so she has no reason to assume that Daughter won't want to discuss it.

Based on the OP's examples, I just think it might be worthwhile to re-evaluate how they handle conversations with Grandma. Maybe there is good reason to believe that the OP's examples would be the best way to handle that conversation. But it's also possible that there is a lack of communication that contributes to their frustration with Grandma, because she's reacting to what they say instead of what they avoid saying. If Daughter avoids telling Grandma that she's not coming on the trip, then it's not surprising that Grandma continues the conversation as if Daughter is coming. If Daughter wants to play along with that assumption until Dad talks to her, that's great, but if she's going to be uncomfortable or frustrated when Grandma assumes she's coming, then does avoiding the issue really improve anything? IMO, it would be more productive to skip that week's Skype call if she's was just going to be uncomfortable either way.

joraemi

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Re: Daughter doesn't want to vacation w/ g-parents
« Reply #19 on: November 16, 2012, 05:50:29 PM »
Any updates?  How did DD's Skype go with grandma?




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turtleIScream

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Re: Daughter doesn't want to vacation w/ g-parents
« Reply #20 on: November 16, 2012, 06:14:12 PM »
Skype went well; absolutely no mention of the trip. Daughter had a pleasant chat with grandma, and didn't feel drained afterwards. That is a huge win!

joraemi

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Re: Daughter doesn't want to vacation w/ g-parents
« Reply #21 on: November 16, 2012, 09:36:46 PM »
Skype went well; absolutely no mention of the trip. Daughter had a pleasant chat with grandma, and didn't feel drained afterwards. That is a huge win!

Awesome!  Love that Grandma respected DD's feelings.




Courage is the price life  exacts for granting peace.  ~Amelia Earhart~