Party Parameters, updated page 1

[GSNW]

DH and I are throwing a party this weekend for a dear friend who moved away last year and is returning to visit for two weeks.  We volunteered for this, and we're hosting about 15 people.

People involved:
Ben (returning friend)
Josh (friend with whom Ben will be staying for the duration of his visit)
Sue (wife of Josh)
Molly (mostly friends with Ben and Josh)

The issue is that I didn't really want to invite Molly, partly because I personally don't care for her and partly because I'm not a huge fan of her behavior at parties.  I discussed this with Josh, who told me that cutting her out would likely cause a huge amount of drama between Ben, Molly, Sue, and himself.  I'm not willing to hang on to my dislike to the point of causing issues for others, so I told Josh it was fine to just invite her.  I would like to talk to Josh about some conditions of her invitation.

Stipulations are as follows:

-If Molly gets very drunk, she is NOT welcome to sleep it off at our house.  Josh and Sue need to take her away.  I don't care where.
-If Molly "falls" into the pool, we do not have dry clothes to lend her (this has happened in the past, and we have not had our things returned).  I hope she doesn't fall in - it's cold.
-Molly is not welcome to bring any of her rotating cast of strange boyfriends, and I WILL turn him away at the door.  I'm pretty sure one of them was responsible for some missing Ambien in the past, of course, I can't prove it.

The question is, is it very rude of me to discuss these conditions with Josh?  I've already said it's fine to invite her, but Josh knows I am reluctant.  Is it very mean of me to put conditions on an invitation like this?

[Deetee]

It is fine to state that the invite is just for her and that she can't spend the night. Instead of addressing the chance of her falling in the pond, I would go with a blanket "She can come, but if I ask you to take her home, you have to take her right then" ( put her in taxi, drive her, whatever)

Basically she comes on probation and the person who wants her there is responsible for like. Kinda like a parent with a small child.

Also, you can just say "No" and tell josh to blame you.

[rose red]

It is fine to state that the invite is just for her and that she can't spend the night. Instead of addressing the chance of her falling in the pond, I would go with a blanket "She can come, but if I ask you to take her home, you have to take her right then" 

Also, "I'm also not permitting uninvited guests.  Any will be turned away at the door." (ETA: Deetee included that too.  I misread)

Don't mention clothes.  If she falls into the pool, just say you are not lending out clothes and you understand if she need to go home (if you want to be nice, which you don't have to, prepare to have an old towel around that you don't mind losing).

I would also find a way to lock the bedroom doors.

[Hmmmmm]

It sounds like you have a good relationship with Josh and will take him at his word.  I suggest you tell him you will extend an invitation to Molly at his request, but by making the request knowing your concern, he is accepting full responsibility for Molly.  And that includes:
a)telling Molly the invitation is for her only
b)being the one to pull her asside to tell her she'll need to leave if she shows up with an univited guest
c)dealing with any drama she creates, including providing dry clothes if necessary
d)being willing to leave early to take Molly home if she becomes to disruptive

Not to be mean, but it's like the person who asks if it is OK to bring their dog when visiting  for the weekend.  You can say yes, but you can also make sure they are responsible for caring and controlling the pet while visiting.   

[doodlemor]

Given Molly's past behavior, you are wise to put stipulations on her behavior. 

In the normal course of events, she would not deserve an invitation back to your house.  Josh is requesting that she come because he fears that she will cause drama if she is not invited.  This is basically putting his "problem" onto you.

I think that you need to put the responsibility of Molly back onto Josh, using the excellent suggestions of your own and from the PP.  Perhaps if Josh realizes that he is responsible for Molly the idea of her coming will be less appealing.

If Josh and Sue carpool with Molly they may have to leave early to take her home, perhaps taking Ben with them.  That would certainly put a damper on the party.  If Molly drives herself you may worry about how much she has had to drink.  Either situation seems difficult

I also think that you can just say *no* to this person.  Given her history she is unlikely able to behave herself in a civil fashion, and is probably going to cause problems.  You might as well get her drama of not being invited over with now, without having another annoying incident at a party.

[WillyNilly]

Of course you are fine with making "Molly Rules".  I get why you have to invite her - you are hosting but you are hosting to honor Ben, whom will be staying with Josh, so you really have to invite Ben's (& to a lesser extent, Josh's) friends - its just one of those things within social groups.  But you do not have to let her crash, nor do you have to babysit her or provide her with anything above the invitation.

I do think if you think she might really fall in the pool to have a plan.  You don't need to tell anyone (except your DH) what your plan is, but still just be prepared so you aren't caught out.  I would suggest either: 1. She has to leave immediately or 2. have an old, large towel on hand.  Offer to allow her to run her clothes through your laundry dryer (a round through the washer's spin cycle first to get much of the water out would speed things up), and she can wrap the towel around herself while she waits for them to dry. I'm sure there are other ideas I'm not thinking of as well, the point is know how you will handle a bad situation, so when it happens you aren't put on the spot and pressured into something you aren't comfortable with.

[Harriet Jones]

What about getting a inexpensive less-than-attractive outfit from a thrift store for her to change into after she accidentally falls into your pool.  Then you won't have worry about her returning something of yours.

[Chivewarrior]

What about getting a inexpensive less-than-attractive outfit from a thrift store for her to change into after she accidentally falls into your pool.  Then you won't have worry about her returning something of yours.

This is far more trouble than she should have to go to for someone who routinely misbehaves, and is far beyond the call of etiquette.

[Harriet Jones]

What about getting a inexpensive less-than-attractive outfit from a thrift store for her to change into after she accidentally falls into your pool.  Then you won't have worry about her returning something of yours.

This is far more trouble than she should have to go to for someone who routinely misbehaves, and is far beyond the call of etiquette.

Possibly.  I'd find it a little amusing, though, to have a guest who routinely "accidentally" falls into the pool have to change into a $1 muu-muu.

[blarg314]

I'd be tempted to go with "I'm not inviting Molly because she has repeatedly demonstrated that she is unable to behave at my home. " and let the blowout happen. If her friends complained, I'd respond with "If someone else wants to host the party and deal with her behaviour, they can." I don't want to have to deal with trouble makers when I'm hosting a party, and if they are friends with a trouble maker who will flip out if her actions have consequences, that's not my problem.

If you do invite her, though, I'd tell Josh point blank that when Molly starts acting out, he is responsible for tidying her up and taking her away, even if it means he has to miss the party.  And *you*, not he, makes the call.

The thing that would really worry me though is if she drives to the party. Because if you don't let her sleep off the alcohol, she sounds like the type who would then say "Fine. If you won't let me sleep over, I'll have to drive home anyways."  Then, of course, you have to decide between wrestling the car keys away from her physically, or calling the cops on her, neither of which can be considered low drama.

[FoxPaws]

Given Molly's history, no, you are not rude to put your foot down.

Your conditions are very reasonable. If it's possible, spell them out for Josh and Sue before they extend the invitation - that way, they can decide whether they'd rather deal with responsibility (and having their own evening cut short) or "drama". You might be pleasantly surprised.

A large garbage bag makes excellent temporary cover when one's clothing is unwearable. Just cut out neck and armholes.

[FauxFoodist]

I'd be tempted to go with "I'm not inviting Molly because she has repeatedly demonstrated that she is unable to behave at my home. " and let the blowout happen. If her friends complained, I'd respond with "If someone else wants to host the party and deal with her behaviour, they can." I don't want to have to deal with trouble makers when I'm hosting a party, and if they are friends with a trouble maker who will flip out if her actions have consequences, that's not my problem.

This would be my inclination; I couldn't see why Molly's potential drama has to become my problem.  Also, giving in to Molly by inviting her just enables her SS-ness.

A large garbage bag makes excellent temporary cover when one's clothing is unwearable. Just cut out neck and armholes.

I love this idea.  I wouldn't even do the neck and armholes for her, just hand her the garbage bag.  She can figure out how to make it work for her on her way out the door (I would've said hand her the scissors, but the scissors might not come back).

[GSNW]

Fun Update:  The party went off without a hitch, it was great to see Ben, and Molly RSVP'd in the affirmative but then didn't bother to show up.  I cannot say I was disappointed!

[Minmom3]

Had she been warned, and this is why she bailed?  Or is she just flakey in general?  Either way, NICE for you to have her no-show!     Did you do a private happy dance later on?

[GSNW]

Had she been warned, and this is why she bailed?  Or is she just flakey in general? 

It could be either or!  Josh said that she did not show up to his house at the appointed time, plus twenty minutes (they were giving her a ride over to ours as part of the deal that they were responsible for her).  Or maybe she met a new boyfriend!  Yes, I was quite pleased to see her miss the gathering, not having to babysit anyone made it a much more enjoyable evening.