I do believe I have been blown off.

[elephantschild]

But this is someone who has been asking the OP for weeks if the time off was approved yet. And then when it is ... she dismisses the information.

I could understand why that would make someone feel blown off, honestly.

[hobish]

Take it as snark if you like, it wasn't meant that way. Honestly, i felt bad your friend made you feel blown off. That's no fun.

Thank you.  I apologize that I took it wrong.

NP. My nerves are raw and i could have phrased that better. I am probably not fit for the public right now. {{{hugs}}
I'm sorry.

[LazyDaisy]

I make plans months in advance with friends all the time -- even for just a Saturday lunch. I'm busy, they're busy. And they live closer to me than your friend to you. We can and do the occasional quick, "hey I'm free this weekend, want to meet at Special Cafe?" but most times that doesn't work out so when we are together, we manage to pull out our calendars (in whatever form) and pick a day to meet again. It's at the very least a starting point even if we end up having to reschedule. I've had a lunch planned for the Saturday after Thanksgiving since June, with a friend I see about 5 times a year.

Honestly, it sounds like you are more invested in the friendship than she is. You are committed to meeting up with an old friend, while she seems rather "whatever" about it. I can only hope that she responded before she really thought about how long it has taken you to schedule this vacation time. The fact that this is someone you haven't actually seen for a while makes it more special than just a "whatever, whenever" hangout.

[MOM21SON]

I make plans months in advance with friends all the time -- even for just a Saturday lunch. I'm busy, they're busy. And they live closer to me than your friend to you. We can and do the occasional quick, "hey I'm free this weekend, want to meet at Special Cafe?" but most times that doesn't work out so when we are together, we manage to pull out our calendars (in whatever form) and pick a day to meet again. It's at the very least a starting point even if we end up having to reschedule. I've had a lunch planned for the Saturday after Thanksgiving since June, with a friend I see about 5 times a year.

Honestly, it sounds like you are more invested in the friendship than she is. You are committed to meeting up with an old friend, while she seems rather "whatever" about it. I can only hope that she responded before she really thought about how long it has taken you to schedule this vacation time. The fact that this is someone you haven't actually seen for a while makes it more special than just a "whatever, whenever" hangout.

Yeah, I am not free every weekend by any means and I have a DH and DS.

I wouldn't even say I am "invested"  Sure, I would love to see her, but its not a hill to die on.  I know way more about her life in the missing years than she will probably ever know about mine.  I mean I literally get at least 10 messages a day from her to my phone or FB.  I work and don't always respond in a timely manner.

[LazyDaisy]

I make plans months in advance with friends all the time -- even for just a Saturday lunch. I'm busy, they're busy. And they live closer to me than your friend to you. We can and do the occasional quick, "hey I'm free this weekend, want to meet at Special Cafe?" but most times that doesn't work out so when we are together, we manage to pull out our calendars (in whatever form) and pick a day to meet again. It's at the very least a starting point even if we end up having to reschedule. I've had a lunch planned for the Saturday after Thanksgiving since June, with a friend I see about 5 times a year.

Honestly, it sounds like you are more invested in the friendship than she is. You are committed to meeting up with an old friend, while she seems rather "whatever" about it. I can only hope that she responded before she really thought about how long it has taken you to schedule this vacation time. The fact that this is someone you haven't actually seen for a while makes it more special than just a "whatever, whenever" hangout.

Yeah, I am not free every weekend by any means and I have a DH and DS.

I wouldn't even say I am "invested"  Sure, I would love to see her, but its not a hill to die on.  I know way more about her life in the missing years than she will probably ever know about mine.  I mean I literally get at least 10 messages a day from her to my phone or FB.  I work and don't always respond in a timely manner.

Then her response is even more strange to me. She sounds like the type to be really put-out when you end up having made other plans in January when she contacts you at the last minute. 

[Nebraska Jones]

That sounds a little like repartee to me.

And sometimes people just need to be coached or role-model-ed through this sort of stuff, because it *can* seem sort of formal to plan a get-together that far in advance.

So give her a day or two, and then get ahold of her and say, "I'm firming up my vacation, and I'd really like to come and see you on this day. Can you write it on your calendar and plan around it? I want to get it written down on my end, because stuff is coming up and trying to take over the whole weekend. It's important to me to see you, so I'm willing to shift all the other stuff to another day. What about that day? We can decide exact time and activities later."

If I said I wasn't sure about my plans and someone said the above I would find it condescending and smothering.  I don't need someone to tell me to write it on my calendar and plan around it.  That sounds like you think they don't know how to plan something (at least not to your liking).

[MOM21SON]

The more I think about it, I have come up with this.  She does not work, her DH does not work.  Her only child has gone away for college.  She is late 40's like me, and she has almost 800 facebook friends.  They do not have money for travel.  Maybe she likes the idea of meeting up with friends but her self esteem gets in the way?  IDK.

[Jelaza]

Warning: stream of consciousness type post follows.  Exact wording should probably be cleaned up before sending anything to your friend if you find any of this valuable enough to use.

I can think of several approximate wordings you can go with, depending on what the two of you would like to do  when you visit (such as, do you want to just hang out with her without doing anything special/sight-seeing-ly, do you want to look into if there are local events or sightseeing attractions (or already know there are and want to visit them), would either be fine with you, or haven't decided yet?).

Whichever of the above applies, I'd say to acknowledge that you understand completely, as it is a busy time of year, and maybe suggest that a couple days after Thanksgiving and before the Christmas/holiday crunch begins that she take a look at the days that you have vacation time, and see which ones would work for her.  (This is assuming that you're in the US, if not just do the "before the Christmas/holiday crunch" part.)

Then, if you and she both want to just hang out, you can just request that she let you know before X date because you need to make travel arrangements.

If you and she both want to visit local attractions, ask her to also let you know if which ones in particular that she wants to visit and when, and if she can suggest a good place for you to research her area online to see if there are particular attractions you want to visit.  Include both of these, so she is aware you're not expecting her to do all the research alone, but also that you don't expect to call all the shots without letting her give input (and that you aren't going to do all the research alone either).  And also that you'd like to know the dates best for her by date X so that you can look for fun events on those dates, and make travel arrangements.

If you don't have a preference or it hasn't been discussed yet, ask if she wants to just hang out or do touristy stuff.  And if she wants to do touristly stuff (see last paragraph) and if she doesn't, you'd just need to know before X date because you need to make travel arrangements.

[MOM21SON]

Warning: stream of consciousness type post follows.  Exact wording should probably be cleaned up before sending anything to your friend if you find any of this valuable enough to use.

I can think of several approximate wordings you can go with, depending on what the two of you would like to do  when you visit (such as, do you want to just hang out with her without doing anything special/sight-seeing-ly, do you want to look into if there are local events or sightseeing attractions (or already know there are and want to visit them), would either be fine with you, or haven't decided yet?).

Whichever of the above applies, I'd say to acknowledge that you understand completely, as it is a busy time of year, and maybe suggest that a couple days after Thanksgiving and before the Christmas/holiday crunch begins that she take a look at the days that you have vacation time, and see which ones would work for her.  (This is assuming that you're in the US, if not just do the "before the Christmas/holiday crunch" part.)

Then, if you and she both want to just hang out, you can just request that she let you know before X date because you need to make travel arrangements.

If you and she both want to visit local attractions, ask her to also let you know if which ones in particular that she wants to visit and when, and if she can suggest a good place for you to research her area online to see if there are particular attractions you want to visit.  Include both of these, so she is aware you're not expecting her to do all the research alone, but also that you don't expect to call all the shots without letting her give input (and that you aren't going to do all the research alone either).  And also that you'd like to know the dates best for her by date X so that you can look for fun events on those dates, and make travel arrangements.

If you don't have a preference or it hasn't been discussed yet, ask if she wants to just hang out or do touristy stuff.  And if she wants to do touristly stuff (see last paragraph) and if she doesn't, you'd just need to know before X date because you need to make travel arrangements.

The area is pretty well known between us both.  She has stated many times that she hates/likes/has no money/too much traffic, etc. to go there.  I am content with a one day visit or no visit.  When she first started the get together thing, she made this well known.  She has since moved into a brand new home and said that I am the only frend she is comfortable having visit.  she has sent me pictures of "my room"

[Mental Magpie]

But this is someone who has been asking the OP for weeks if the time off was approved yet. And then when it is ... she dismisses the information.

I could understand why that would make someone feel blown off, honestly.

Same.  To me it seems like "I'm gonna make you feel very important then totally not important a moment later!"

[siamesecat2965]

But this is someone who has been asking the OP for weeks if the time off was approved yet. And then when it is ... she dismisses the information.

I could understand why that would make someone feel blown off, honestly.

I could as well.  I might be biased since I am a planner, and trying to plan something in Jan, after the holidays, would mean now.  part of it for me is i have a second job, which requires a minimum of 3 weeks advance notice for time off requests. I however, like to get mine in as soon as I know.  for example, the wed before thanksgiving, we generally get out of my first job at 2, so i always ask for that off, as leaving at 2, then having to be at the other job at 5 is a waste of my early getting out.

and she did ask a couple times about your vacation and whether it was approved, which seems to me she wants to get together, but now is waffling a bit.

[bonyk]

She may not realize that you need to plan ahead.  I don't think it would hurt to message her back and say, "I know January's far away, but I'm going to have to *blah*, *blah*, and *blah* during my vacation, too.  I have to start scheduling that stuff now.  Do you want me to go ahead scheduling without a date in mind for us?"

[cabbageweevil]

But this is someone who has been asking the OP for weeks if the time off was approved yet. And then when it is ... she dismisses the information.

I could understand why that would make someone feel blown off, honestly.

I could as well.  I might be biased since I am a planner, and trying to plan something in Jan, after the holidays, would mean now.  part of it for me is i have a second job, which requires a minimum of 3 weeks advance notice for time off requests. I however, like to get mine in as soon as I know.  for example, the wed before thanksgiving, we generally get out of my first job at 2, so i always ask for that off, as leaving at 2, then having to be at the other job at 5 is a waste of my early getting out.

and she did ask a couple times about your vacation and whether it was approved, which seems to me she wants to get together, but now is waffling a bit.

My feelings are in accordance with the PPs quoted above, and with Mental Magpie.  MOM21SON, I can empathise: in your situation I'd also be feeling somewhat hurt, and confused as to what my friend was wanting of me. In fact I'd probably feel so, more acutely -- a couple of sore spots / hot buttons for me, are involved. I'm a rather over-the-top planner, for which I've at times got (not-appreciated) ridicule or condescension from associates of mine who were toward the opposite, "freewheeling" end of that spectrum; and I dislike inconsistency.  Have no useful advice re responding, I'm afraid -- my response in this situation would be liable to be extreme-verging-on-hostile, where you obviously don't want to go.

[Itza]

I get what most of you are saying.  It just seems so odd to question me several times and send that response.

I am not mad or anything just puzzled.  I will make any plans that come forth weather it involves her or not.

I was wondering that, too. Why go on about when you are having time off and turn round and say that? It doesn't make sense to me and I can see why you may think she's pre-emptively blowing you off.

[MariaE]

I get what most of you are saying.  It just seems so odd to question me several times and send that response.

I am not mad or anything just puzzled.  I will make any plans that come forth weather it involves her or not.

I was wondering that, too. Why go on about when you are having time off and turn round and say that? It doesn't make sense to me and I can see why you may think she's pre-emptively blowing you off.

Yeah, that's how I would see it as well.